Laughing Through the Chaos

Serenity now, insanity later.

2010-07-22T16:42:00.003-07:00

We just got back from what I would definitely call the most relaxing vacation I've ever had. I can't remember the last time I'd felt so relaxed. It was easy for us to go because Kaylee is so attached to all of her grandparents and practically pushes us out the door when we drop her off. We knew she'd have a great time with them, and vice versa, so we had no worries about being away.

Plus, there's something to be said about just having time as a couple and not having to worry about changing diapers or trying to deal with a breakdown over whether or not we should really watch Barney or the Wiggles or Veggie Tales. You know, the big, big, taxing, stressful life decisions that two-year-olds struggle with...

I was so excited to go out to restaurants and not have to worry about public meltdowns, bathrooms with no changing tables, or not being able to fully enjoy a meal not cooked by me while enjoying an actual intelligent, adult conversation because a certain someone was dead set on escaping the high chair and subsequently chucking crushed Saltine crackers off the table. *Deep breath*

We got to the bed and breakfast and I start settling in, unpacking, and being so delighted at the fact that, at least for a couple days, life could be a little bit like it used to be. Just the two of us.

You know how you always hear parents talking about how they finally get to go out on a date without their kids, but then all they end up talking about is the kids? I knew we'd miss Kaylee, and of course we'd think about her and talk about her, but what I didn't realize was the little things during our trip that would bring her to mind. As I unpacked, and throughout our trip, I found things.

Things like this...

Lovely golden glitter glue on the bottom of my Nikes, which (I'm willing to bet my life on this) appeared as I was trying to prevent this...

...from getting any worse (thats' the same golden glitter glue - on my hardwood floors).

To be honest, I left that glitter glue on my floor for a while. I actually thought it was kind of cute. But I never realized I had glitter glue on my freaking shoes until I was unpacking on our trip. That one thing brought back such a fun little memory. And let's not forget the spare (clean, of course) diaper I found in my purse or half the plastic Easter egg that was also floating around in there.

As if being away from her in itself wasn't enough to make me think about Kaylee, I had cute little things like this popping up the whole time we were gone.

So the trip was awesome, and it was a much-needed getaway because I have a hard time sitting still, and this trip reminded me how important it is to actually do just that. Sit still. Sit still and do absolutely nothing.

I even put down my book a few times when I was sitting outside, just to take it all in. All that fresh, quiet country air with cute little chirping birds...

...little bunny foo-foos hopping everywhere...

...the butterflies...

...the incredible views...

...the red adirondak chair that oh-so-badly wanted to make my home its own...

and the Jack La Lanna stair stepper placed directly beside it (wth, right???)

...the bellowing cows, and the far-off monsoon storms - oh, those fabulous monsoon storms with all their lightning and thunder!

But, from the moment we drove up to that cozy little place...

...I knew I better enjoy every single second while it lasted because as soon ask I got home, I'd see the laundry that hadn't been done, the bills that needed to be paid, and it would be time to referee time-outs and to be on diaper duty again. I knew the peace would be fleeting.

I braced myself when it was time to leave. I still felt relaxed, but I'd have been kidding myself if I thought it would continue once we got home. I couldn't have been reminded of that more clearly than this morning.

As soon as Kaylee walked out the door from story time at the library where she behaved perfectly, it was mere moments before I was ready to shout, "Serenity nooooow!" (Seinfeld fans, there's a treat for you at the end...) because she turned into an absolute crazy person.

Seriously. You can even ask my dear friend's five-year-old who said something to the effect of, "I don't know if she has brakes, but she sure has a gas pedal!"

While the serenity was nice while it lasted, I am glad to be back home with my little firecracker, even if the serenity is a bit lacking for the time being.

Plus, the view of the monsoons from my front porch isn't so bad, especially when I consider that what seems, at times, like insanity at home really isn't so crazy afterall. It's actually quite enjoyable.

***

And, for any of you who cannot get the image of past Seinfeld episodes out of your head after reading, "Serenity nooooow!" this is for you...

There's a hole in my bucket, Dear Liza, Dear Liza.

2010-07-08T21:41:00.002-07:00

Since I've been out of the blog world for what seems like so long, I forgot until just now that today is Writer's Workshop with Mama Kat . One of the prompts this week was to write out your bucket list - 100 things you want to do before you turn 100. I easily came up with 50 before my brain decided it was time for me to go to bed. Actually, as soon as I wrote the above sentences, I remember that I want to have a chicken coop - hence, #51, which then led to numbers 52 and 53. I'm sure I'll come up with more later. But, this is a pretty good start.

1. Learn to swim.
2. Find a type of sushi that actually tastes good.
3. Go to Italy.
4. Once I can actually swim, swim in the ocean.
5. Learn to grill food on the bbq.
6. Plant and harvest a garden.
7. Learn to drive a stick shift.
8. Get my BSW license.
9. Become an obstetrics social worker.
10. Have another baby.
11. Take my daughter to the places I grew up.
12. Ride a hot air balloon.
13. Drive a convertible.
14. Go to grad school.
15. Learn to play the violin.
16. Move to a house with a fenced in back yard that my child can actually play safely in.
17. Take a painting class (preferably a Bob Ross class - seriously)
18. Take a pottery class.
19. Read all of Barbara Kingsolver's books.
20. Ride in an authentic gondola. With an authentically handsome gondolier.
21. Find a really, really good wine that I love.
22. Become a public speaking advocate/educator for postpartum mood disorders (in the works)
23. Go to a new bed and breakfast every year.
24. Go on a horseback ride in the woods.
25. Buy a pair of totally hot pink high heels, and actually learn to walk in them. Without breaking my ankles.
26. Successfully stop biting my nails. For good.
27. Answer the door with my husband as he holds a shotgun while letting Kaylee's first boyfriend in the house to meet us for the first time.
28. Win a radio contest.
29. Adopt a family at Christmas.
30. Play bingo with old people.
31. Show my husband Mt. Rushmore when the faces are not completely covered in fog.
32. See a crazy meteor shower.
33. Watch lightning bugs.
34. Buy a buttload of lady bugs and let them go in my future garden.
35. Stay up half the night finishing my child's science fair project the night before it's due, just so I can truly appreciate what I put my own mom through.
36. Go on a weekend getaway with my very best girl friends.
37. Spend entire day. ENTIRE day at a spa. Pedi. Mani. Massage. Facial. The works.
38. Get published. In something other than Blogger or a college newspaper.
39. Own a hammock.
40. Play a game of Super Mario Bros. 3 without uttering a single cuss word.
41. Get a cat.
42. Figure out a way to not be allergic to cats.
43. Raise a happy, confident, assertive, brave little girl.
44. Touch a dolphin.
45. Introduce Kaylee to all of her great-grandparents.
46. Participate in a "Beat the Blues" walk for postpartum mood disorders awareness.
47. Go to New York City.
48. Teach Kaylee how to fish.
49. Camp at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
50. Make baking soda volcanoes with Kaylee.
51. Have a chicken coop and sell fresh eggs to my friends and family.
52. Take a self defense class.
53. Try at least one new recipe every month.

A summer of books

2010-07-08T16:59:00.000-07:00

I've been zipping through books like crazy this spring and summer, and because the beautiful Angie asked, I decided to share some of my favorite books that I've read these past couple months.

If you're looking for a light, easy, very fast read and you're a fan of authors like Fannie Flagg, definitely check out Looking for Salvation at the Dairy Queen by Susan Gregg Gilmore. I'm a huge Fannie Flagg fan. If I ever had another life, I'm pretty sure I was a Southern girl in it. I love the vernacular, the culture, the accent - all of it. This book is absolutely charming. You'll fall in love with the characters, and the writing style is just delightful. I think I read it in a single day.

I know I'm way behind the times on this one, but I just read Marley and Me. I can't see the movie because I don't want to cry. Plus, I'm big on reading the book before I see the movie. This, again, was a really easy, quick read, and it's not just a story about a dog. I just fell in love with the family in this book. I was expecting to finish the book and be all sad, but I wasn't. It's such a positive story. Loved it.

Next up? Julie and Julia. LOVED this book. Saw the movie first, actually, and I was a big fan. But, I really liked the book even better. Julie Powell is hysterical - she's one of those authors where you can tell she writes just like she talks. This book was highly entertaining and a really fun, easy read.

I mentioned a while back I was struggling with the whole concept of church (still am, but I'm making some forward strides...). I recently read If the Church were Christian, and it was very fitting for my struggles. It deal with some of my huge frustrations with the church in general, and it focused on how different church would look if people actually acted the way they supposedly believed. I didn't agree with everything in the book, but I really, really liked the overall concept, and I feel like the author made some excellent points. Very thought-provoking. It was also a really quick read - I think I read this one in a day as well.

I've recently read two books by Jennifer Weiner. Wasn't a huge fan of Good in Bed, but Little Earthquakes was definitely something to write home about. I got into the book very quickly, and I could definitely relate to it at this point in my life. It was all about adjusting to life as a new mother. It was a refreshing read.

And most recently...I've broadened my horizons into the romance novel genre. I was given the opportunity to review a new trilogy by Tessa Dare, and I'm hooked. The first in the trilogy is One Dance with a Duke, and the second one is Twice Tempted by a Rogue. While I liked the first one better, I must admit I can't wait to read the third one. I won't go into too much detail because I'll actually be reviewing the second book later this month and giving away the entire trilogy. I was expecting a bit of smut and a generic storyline. But really, the books have a few steamy scenes here and there with really good story lines, surprisingly enough.

I'm currently reading The Poisonwood Bible, and next up after that is a Philippa Gregory book.

Read any good books this summer?

Jumping back in

2010-07-06T18:16:00.000-07:00

After a nice, long break from the blogging world, I finally decided it's time to start writing again.

I've had a lot of things that needed my attention and focus, so I chose to give the blog a bit of a rest so I could put all my energy where it really needed to be.

Like...

Making sure my child doesn't break her neck while moving the dining room chair to the back of the couch in order to show me her sweet new skill of doing a summer sault from the chair onto the couch. (And I thought putting her in gymnastics was a good idea...)

Facilitating approximately 85,276 time-outs and 46,724 tantrums - 26,000 of which were in public (terrible two's are the bees knees, folks).

Going to therapy. Oh my GOSH I am such a huge fan of therapy now. I think everyone should go. Just for fun. Seriously. My therapist can work wonders in just 50 minutes.

Reading like a fool.

Supervising my child while she dangles off the kitchen counter, hanging by her tiny little fingers.

Cooking up some delicious goodness in my kitchen.

Trying to make sure I don't turn my head long enough for Kaylee to climb up on the dining room table where she subsequently squeals and does a crazy combination of dancing and stomping.

Working, working, working. Have I mentioned I've been working my butt off?

Enjoying my little family. Dennis has a part-time job this summer, but we have had some great days together - going to the park, the zoo, Costco, whatever. It's been so nice to just relax and spend time together.

The writing bug just left me for a while. It was time for me to dig a little deeper and deal with some of my own junk. On my own. And I just didn't feel like putting it all out there.

So, I'm back. Hopefully on a more regular basis.

And, some goodies to look foward to...a guest post from Dennis in the near future, and a couple book giveaways - one of which is a fabulous romance trilogy, and the other is the new cookbook by Aviva Goldfarb which has quickly risen to the VERY top of my all-time-favorite cookbooks. Ever. So healthy, so easy, and SO yummy.

My letter to new mothers

2010-05-09T11:15:00.003-07:00

Today, you can find me hanging out over at Katherine Stone's blog, Postpartum Progress. She's kind of a big deal.

She writes the most widely-read blog in the U.S. on postpartum depression, and she is a tenacious advocate for women who suffer from postpartum mood disorders. Katherine is a survivor of postpartum OCD, and her blog is all about promoting awareness, education, and info on the latest research, programs, and legislation.

She's fiesty and she's honest, and she is an amazingly inspirational woman who works tirelessly to shatter the stigmas that surround postpartum mood disorders.

I think I probably nearly peed my pants with excitement when she invited me to be a part of the 2010 Mother's Day Online Rally for Moms' Mental Health. It's an event in which she posts a new story every hour on the hour from survivor moms, social workers, nurses, doctors, and experts about postpartum mood disorders. Each post is a letter to new moms, and I am honored beyond words to be included with so, so many amazing women.

So, please go check it out..here's the link to my letter to new moms - Sera: On surviving postpartum depression

And while you're there, please check out all of the other amazing stories that you will find as part of today's rally.

And may all of you mamas be ridiculously spoiled this Mother's Day. You deserve it.

From sleepless nights to potty training: Reflections on my two-year journey as a mother

2010-04-28T22:07:00.003-07:00

It's the night before my sweet little Kaylee Bug turns two years old.

I came in here to write after spending a short while with her before bed, where we read her favorite new book - Ladybug Girl, and she asked to say her "pears" (prayers) - prayers in which she frequently thanks Jesus for things like Captain Feathersword from The Wiggles, as well as other important things like candy, Costco and Grandma.

After the reading of the book (and my refusal to read the book again), the pears, and the stalling, I succumbed to her request of "Mommy yay down, too?"

So, this little mommy yayed down, too.

And, in those little moments, I realized how far we'd come in two years.

We made it through postpartum depression and anxiety, an overwhelming sense of when in the hell am I going to figure this whole motherhood thing out (answer = uh, never), very sleepless, unpredictable nights, the horror of teething, so many firsts, so many laughs and tears and holycrapIamgoingtoLOSEit moments.

We've made it through so much. And while I will always remember those really, really hard times - the belief that I would literally never sleep again, the terrifying panic and worry, the worse-than-contractions-kind-of-pain I had after giving birth, the insane sleep deprivation, the unbearable irritability, our 9-month battle with breast feeding, Kaylee's refusal to take naps for her first 12 months of life, multiple trips to the ER and a stay in the children's hospital, and did I mention the sleep deprivation? - I can honestly tell you that I don't have anywhere near the vivid imagery of those events that I did months ago. The emotional pain of those struggles fades more and more as time goes on, believe it or not, and I thank God for that.

When I look back on the last 2 years, those really sucky moments are not what stands out most to me anymore. For the longest time, I couldn't get past those haunting memories. I felt like they were so deeply etched in my mind, and for the longest time, I had a hard time believing things would get much better, or that it would ever become easier for me to look back and not have those be the most dominating memories I had of being a mother.

Will I ever completely forget what that junk was like? Oh, heck no. I will always remember how real and how difficult those days and months were. But now, I'm able to see myself as an even tougher woman for actually surviving all that. Those were bumps in the road that helped me grow, helped me learn more about myself, and helped to stir up a passion in myself to help other women who are either in that boat now or who have been there in the past.

Now, when I play that little slideshow in my head of the past 2 years, I see things like Kaylee taking her first steps in our office, and then later that night, taking more steps out in the living room after Dennis bribed her with a cookie.

I see her enjoying her first bite of cake, courtesy of my Dad.

I see her running all the way across a soccer field, just to get to the dirt border around the outside so she can play in the dirt and rocks instead of the soft grass.

I see a little girl who decided all on her own that it was time to start potty training, and who pretty much always thinks it's okay to just sit all the live long day on the toilet and "go potty more!" only to get off the toilet, state matter-of-factly, "Don't pee on da floor" and then proceed to pee on the floor.

I see her jacking a can of V8 out of the fridge and toting it around pretending to drink out of it as she walks around the house, and then saying, "Ahhhhh" after she's finished with her pretend drink.

I see a little girl who knows her ABC's and sings the Ippy Pider (Itsy Bitsy Spider) song all on her own.

I see a little girl who uttered, "Dammit!" in Wal-Mart today after I dropped a box of pasta off the shelf.

I see all the times Kaylee's face lit up each and every time Uncle Colin and Sarah came home from college after she'd gone months without seeing them.

I see my spunky little smiling, energetic, funny, smart, absolutely beautiful baby girl.

And, finally, I see myself as a damn good mother.

I no longer see a failure who still can't keep the house clean, who occasionally swears and loses my patience and struggles to stay sane some days. I no longer see a mess of a mom who never had it together.

Now I see a woman who balances a marriage, a job, friendships, family, being a mother, and trying to have some time to myself, among other things like oh, paying the bills and planning meals and countless other super-fun responsibilities.

I see a woman who still swears and loses my patience and struggles to stay sane, but now I see that as normal, rather than seeing it as a character flaw. I still don't have it together many days, and I know I will never "arrive" at a place where I'll have it all together. That'd be a load of crap. I see a mama who does her best and who realizes, more often than not, that that's all I can do.

Forget the pressure to be the perfect mother, to have a clean house, and to be Pollyanna. Screw than, man. It's just not me.

I see the way my daughter has turned out, and I know I've done okay. And I know I will do okay.

While I may not be proud of everything I do and the way I react to everything, I realize that's just fine. And I realize that my daughter needs to see that. She needs to see her mama as human. As imperfect and sometimes messy. As one in need of a daily happy pill and some time to myself, and a good, healthy dose of Grey's Anatomy once a week.

We made it.

We made it two years. And while she tries my patience like no other, she just keeps getting more fun.

Fun enough to give me the crazy notion that it's finally time to do this whole thing over again.

God help me...

The day my kid said "Dammit."

2010-04-15T11:58:00.002-07:00

It's a day all of us parents dread. We hope and pray it won't happen to us, but deep down, we all know it's just a matter of time.

It's the day our child says their first cuss word. You swear up and down you'll watch your mouth around your child and you will not be THAT parent, the one whose child says bad words.You vow to be a better parent than that. You will always set a good example. That's what you tell yourself.

But, really - that's probably what you told yourself. Before you had kids. Because before we have kids we all swear there are certain things that we'll never allow, but then we end up allowing them anyway, because you learn to pick your battles, and you learn that while Barney may inspire you to chuck things through your picture window, he can also be your best ally when it comes to taking a shower or getting 30 minutes of quiet time to yourself when you're standing on the brink of insanity.

So, some months ago, one of us opened the hall closet only to find that a crayon had been shoved under the door such that when we opened said door, the crayon scraped a huge streak of color across our lovely hardwood floors. The adult in question uttered, "Dammit!" upon seeing the bright red streak on the floor. Pretty much immediately, Kaylee said it, too. Plain as day. Great.

Dennis tried to fool her into thinking it was "rabbit" and not "dammit" that actually came out.

Then came an oh-so-innocent sounding string of, "Dammit! Rabbit. Dammit. Dammit. Rabbit. RABBIT!"

Not exactly a redemption there, folks.

At first we really reacted to it. "No, Kaylee! We don't say that!" and on and on. We tried to correct her, but we found it actually made the situation even worse. She loved the reaction, and she'd just cock her head to the side, turn up the cuteness by about 76 notches, smile that irresistible smile and then whisper it..."Dammit?"

So, we changed gears. We consciously made the choice to become terrible parents by actually deciding to ignore her when she said it. I know! Despicable, right? If you want to take away my nomination for Mother of the Year, I'm sorry to tell you you're too late. I'm pretty sure I lost it on January 1st (dammit).

Anyway, ignoring it has seemed to work best. But, we can definitely tell when Kaylee's about to say it. She'll say, "That's a bad word! Don't say that!" And then we know a tiny little "dammit" is just around the corner.

Now, don't get me wrong - I'm not writing about this because I'm all proud of my child's newly expanded vocabulary.

I'm writing about this because I'm not perfect. Dennis isn't perfect, and we don't have a perfect child. We're just doing the best we can, and if that means that our nearly-two-year-old sometimes utters "dammit" (always in perfect context, by the way...), then oh well.

We feed her. We love her. We bathe her. We play with her. We do the best we can.

And that's good enough for me.

This post is loosely based on writing prompt #4 from Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop, going on all day long over at Mama's Losin' It.

Little bit of this, little bit of that.

2010-04-14T14:44:00.000-07:00

I hate it when so much time goes by without writing, but it's been happening more and more, and I think it's just the nature of where I'm at in life right now. There's certainly no shortage of things to write about, but I just haven't taken the time to sit down to form the thoughts into words.

Kaylee and I have been spending less time at home during the week and more time out doing things. She is just in love with the zoo (as am I), and slowly, but surely, she's getting used to sitting on the tiny benches at story time long enough to actually listen to the story. This weekend will be her first gymnastics lesson also.

She's just changing so fast that I can hardly believe she'll be two at the end of this month. She's taken it upon herself this last week or so to start using the potty, which is freaking awesome. Hellooo! Still not out of diapers, but definitely very, very interested in the potty, so that's pretty darn big. We're also back in our habit of hitting the Mommy and Me exercise class, which does wonders for my mood and my overall sense of well-being.

I'm still a Martha Stewart in training, cooking up more yummy stuff. I've got several pictures ready so I can share some new ideas with you. I'm also still loving reading, although I'm not able to get through books so fast at the moment with all that's going on.

So - nothing earth shattering going on over here. Nothing super witty to say. Just feeling the itch to write some more. That's all.

Wordful Wednesday - Just one of several looks that get her out of trouble...

2010-03-30T20:35:00.002-07:00

There are just so many things I love about this picture. Where to begin?

1. The cropping action. I busted out my sweet cropping skills on this one. So, you really have no idea how messy this room was when I took this picture. Ha!

2. The ensemble. Kaylee remains stubborn in her fashion choices. Even though this picture was taken in the morning, this is the outfit she insisted on wearing to bed the previous night. Let's discuss. Okay...we've got purple pony sweatshirt, black knit tights (which were not orginally paired together for her outfit, by the way...) and her pink and brown Sketchers. Beautiful, no? And yes, she slept in the shoes.

3. The makeup application skills. Sure, she got some makeup on her shirt. And her tights. And all.over.my.FLOOR! But, I have to give this girl some props for her mad skills in makeup application. Would you just look at the precision of the blush on the cheekbones? Just like Mary Poppins - practically perfect in every way. Seriously. She doesn't miss a beat when she watches me put it on every morning. She knows exactly where that makeup goes, people.

3. The bedhead. Oh, the crazy bedhead. My child finally has enough hair to have crazy bedhead!

4. The look. Really, do I need to offer an explanation for why I love the look? It kept her out of timeout for getting into my makeup - little stinker...

This post is a part of Wordful Wednesday, hosted by Angie at 7 Clown Circus. Go check her out!

Fighting the blahs.

2010-03-30T08:11:00.001-07:00

All I want to do today is just stay home, put on a marathon of Barney for Kaylee, and read a book. I started a new one last night by Jennifer Weiner called Little Earthquakes, which was a recommendation from a friend. I'm already hooked and don't want to put it down.

I'm just feeling lazy and unmotivated and not wanting to get out of my cushy robe to do much of anything. I know we all have our days like that.

But, it's sunny outside. Spring is in the air (and everything in bloom is making me want to scratch my eyes out because my allergies are ALSO in full boom). My child thrives on fresh air. I miss the girls at our Mommy and Me exercise class, and I haven't gone to the gym in ages.

So, at some point in the next 62 minutes, I'm going to wash my face, put on a dash of makeup in an attempt to hide my puffy allergy eyes, put on my workout clothes, load Kaylee up in the car, and prepare myself for getting my butt handed to me in our boot camp class for an hour

Because I know it will do both of us some good. I'll feel energized and refreshed and hopefully it will jump start my workouts again.

Plus, when I was changing Kaylee's diaper after she woke up this morning, I asked her what she wanted to do today, and said, "Go to zoo? See da bear?" And...I just can't bear to keep her cooped up in the house all day after such a cute request.

So, the gym and the zoo it is.

(Written on 3.29.10)

iRead. iCook.

2010-03-27T15:16:00.005-07:00

It's an understatement to say that my whole life changed when Kaylee was born. While I was navigating the waters of my early months with her, there were lots of things in my life that I let go - like daily showers, getting outside regularly, housework - the usual things that take a back burner when a new baby comes on the scene. I could only juggle so many things, and unfortunately, one of the things I dropped for several months was reading for fun.

Last year I really got back into reading, and I tried hard to always have a book going on my nightstand. Reading has always been my favorite before-bed ritual. It slows my mind down, calms me, and if I read until my eyelids become heavy and I can't keep them open any longer, I usually sleep really well.

In 2009 I read 19 books. And, while I usually tend to stick to fiction, just for the simple fact that I love getting lost in a good story - something that's totally made up, I started getting into more non-fiction books last year. Memoirs, biographies, books about health - just broadening my horizons.

So far this year, I've already read 17 books, so I know I'll surpass last year's number of books read by quite a lot. I'm continuing to try and read a good variety of books. This year it's been everything from biographies to chick lit, to adventure, to just plain fiction.

I'm so glad I eventually brought myself back to rekindle one of my very favorite past times. I find myself reading, and being so excited about the other books that I want to read, that it seems I just can't read my current book fast enough.

I'm currently on a little kick about reading about polygamy, and I'm finding it absolutely fascinating. At the bottom of this post, I'm including a link where you can view all the books I read in 2009 and all the books I've read so far in 2010. I've rated all of them, and some I've even written quick little reviews about.

I've got a couple books lined up for some blog book tours that I'll be sharing my reviews with you on (one includes a giveaway, which I'll announce tomorrow), and I also hope to highlight some of my favorite books from last year and this year.

Along with more talk of books and reading, there will be some more cooking and food talk, too. I still have a couple giveaways that I meant to include in Food Week, and I also have another food-related post I've had in the works. In addition to that, I've taken some pictures of a couple of the recipes I shared during food week - included especially for those of you who said you're visual and want pictures! And since I kicked off Food Week, I've found another recipe that we are absolutely crazy about around here, and I'll be sharing that, too.

I'm hoping that rather than having themed weeks, I'll just share stuff about books and cooking in more of an ongoing way. I didn't like being limited to talking about just food for a whole week.

So, that's that. Come back tomorrow for a review on one of my most recent reads - a copy of the book will be up for grabs for one lucky reader!

Pickin' up where I left off

2010-03-22T18:47:00.001-07:00

So...I definitely bit off more than I could chew with my attempt at the whole Food Week thing a couple weeks ago. Sure, I got an awesome interview with cookbook author Aviva Goldfarb, put up some fun, yummy recipes and got some great feedback from some of you on them, but two of my planned Food Week days never happened.

I had a Pampered Chef party at my house at the end of that particular week, and it was so much stinking FUN. It was the first time since Kaylee was born that I had an actual group of girl friends over for a party. It was such a wonderful feeling to have my house full of some of my closest friends and my family. So...needless to say, I spent a ton of time getting ready for that.

Then...Spring Break arrived, and Dennis had an entire week off from work. So, I neglected the blog, and I let the rest of my Food Week go down the crapper. But, I kept my family first, so that's that. We'll just pick up right here and finish things off.

So, one of the things I had planned was to share three great foodie giveaways with you all. One of them expires this Friday - as in, I must give your address to the company by THURSDAY or there will be no giveaway. I definitely dropped the ball on that one.

Right now, I'm home by myself, so I'm just going to get this particular giveaway up, and the other two will go up sometime later this week. Because - hello! I am home. BY. MYSELF.

So, be sure to check out the next post about the Fiber One gift pack that's up for grabs. Be sure to enter - your chances are probably going to be good since there's only a couple days left!

And the other topic I never posted on? Money-saving ideas, especially related to buying and eating fresh produce. That'll be up later this week, too.

How to be a rock start in your own kitchen: Part Three

2010-03-11T15:20:00.000-07:00

Welcome to day five of Food Week on Laughing Through the Chaos - click the links below to catch up if you need to!

Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday

As we've been trying new recipes this year, we've discovered some that ended up in the trash after one bite, some that weren't bad, and some that we were just totally crazy about. The following are some of our favorites from our many new adventures in cooking. I hope you enjoy them!

Spicy Turkey Bean Chili
Oven-Crisp Potato Wedges
Low Fat Oatmeal Banana Bread
Microwave Apple and Pear Crisp

How to be a rock star in your own kitchen: Part Two

2010-03-11T14:57:00.001-07:00

Welcome to day five of Food Week on Laughing Through the Chaos - click the links below to catch up if you need to!

Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday

On making my first "gourmet" meal...

Glaze of Glory Pork Tenderloin

This is a recipe I adapted from Gourmet magazine. The original recipe is by Paul Grimes and it included a fancy shmancy salad and some salad dressing to serve along with the pork. I never cooked that, so I'm omitting it here. I also made a slight modification to the pork tenderloin based on our family's tastes.

The first time I had this was during a girl's night at a friend's house. I bit into this juicy pork and pretty much thought I'd died and gone to heaven. It was that good. Seriously? One of THE best things I have ever tasted in my life, and it was SO easy to watch them make (I was in charge of potatoes and dessert).

I decided to brave it on my own when we had some family come and visit us in February from out of state. I don't think I've ever cooked for so many people, so I was a little nervous about it turning out right. They raved about it. They asked for the recipe, and they had seconds.

This seriously tastes like a gourmet meal you would get at a restaurant.

It goes great with the Oven-Crisp Potato Wedges and a side of steamed veggies (my personal favorites to go with this meal are asparagus and broccoli).

Dennis told me this was the best dinner I have ever made. That being said, you definitely need to try this, and I promise - it is SO easy!

Ingredients

For pork:

2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. black pepper (I prefer the course ground pepper)
1 tsp. ground cumin
1 tsp. chili powder
1 tsp. cinnamon
2 pork tenderloins (2 1/4 to 2 1/2 lbs total - Costco has these for a GREAT price!)
2 Tbsp. olive oil

For glaze

1 c. packed dark brown sugar (all I had was light, and it worked just fine)
2 Tbsp. finely chopped garlic (I substituted the jarred, minced garlic)
*Original recipe also listed 1 Tbsp. of Tabasco, but we omitted this ingredient

Directions:

-Preheat oven to 350.
-Sit together salt, pepper, cumin, chili powder, and cinnamon, then coat pork with spice rub.
-Heat oil in an ovenproof 12-inch heavy skillet over moderately high heat until just beginning to smoke, then brown pork, turning, about 4 minutes total. Leave pork in skillet.
-Stir together brown sugar, garlic, and Tabasco (if you choose to add that ingredient) and pat onto top of each tenderloin. Roast in middle of oven until thermometer inserted diagonally in center of each tenderloin registers 140 degrees F, about 20 minutes. Let pork stand in skillet at room temperature 10 minutes (temperature will rise while standing).

NOTE: I did not put my skillet in the oven. I transferred the pork to one of my Pampered Chef stoneware casserole dishes. Also, at 140 degrees, the pork was still pink in the middle, so I went with the recommended internal pork temperature listed right on the meat thermometer, which - I do not presently have in front of me, so I'll just go ahead and let you refer to your own meat thermometer. Or Google. Whatever.

How to be a rock star in your own kitchen: Part One

2010-03-11T14:53:00.006-07:00

Welcome to day five of Food Week on Laughing Through the Chaos - click the links below to catch up if you need to!

Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday

On making my first souffle...

This recipe was was one of the very first I tried after deciding to broaden my horizons with new recipes and new ingredients. I didn't even know what a "souffle" was until I saw the movie, Julie and Julia. Now, every time I see the word souffle, I hear, "I'iiiim Julia Chiiiild" in my head. I checked out the ingredients, thought it sounded like they'd taste good together, and figured the directions looked simple enough, so I gave it whirl.

The recipe says bake until "puffed and golden," but, having never made a souffle before, the high level of puffiness was pretty much freaking me out. It looked like it was about to explode all over the inside of the oven. So, I do what any novice cook does - I jumped on Google real quick, where I quickly found out that, not only is it actually a pretty big deal to make a souffle, but the crazy stuff going on in that oven was actually normal.

Anyway - apparently, souffles can be a bit tricky to make. Had I known that, I probably would have chickened out and say, "Hey, honey. Looks like it's Cheerios and toast for dinner again," but I'm so glad I was ignorant up to that point because this is one of my proudest kitchen creations EVER. I made a souffle! And it tasted amazing, and Dennis even loved it! Oh, happy day.

It's great for breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner - anytime, really, and the leftovers taste great the next day.

Apple Pancake Souffle
A modification from Weight Watchers' Simply the Best : 250 Prizewinning Family Recipes

Ingredients

1 cup + 2 Tbsp. all-purpose flour (I used whole wheat flour)
3 Tbsp. sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
2 c. fat-free egg substitute
2 c. skim milk (I used 2%)
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 Tbsp. unsalted stick margarine (I used butter)
6 apples, peeled and thinly sliced (my food processor saved me a lot of time by slicing the apples for me - I also used Granny Smith apples)
3 Tbsp. firmly packed light brown sugar

1. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F.

2. In a large bowl, combine the flour, sugar, salt and cinnamon; make a well in the center. Add the egg stubstitute, milk and vanilla; whisk until thoroughly combined.

3. Place the margarine in a 13 x 9" baking dish; place in the oven until the margarine is melted and sizzling, about 3 minutes. Add the apples and mix gently to coat. Bake until th e apples are heated through, about 5 minutes (just an FYI, I forgot this step the first time, and it didn't make any difference at all). Pour the egg mixture over the apples; sprinkle with the brown sugar. Bake until the souffle is puffed and golden and a knife inserted int eh center comes out clean, about 35 minutes. Serve at once.

Chart Toppers: Top 10 food blogs & websites you don't want to miss

2010-03-10T14:35:00.002-07:00

Welcome to day three of Food Week on Laughing Through the Chaos - click the links below to catch up if you need to!

Sunday
Monday

Tuesday

In no particular order...

10 food blogs & websites you don't want to miss

Chart Toppers: my top 10 favorite cookbooks {at the moment...}

2010-03-09T08:13:00.000-07:00

Welcome to day three of Food Week on Laughing Through the Chaos - click the links below to catch up if you need to!

Sunday

Monday

Later this week I'll be bustin' out some of my favorite recipes to share with you (some new, some old), so I thought it was only appropriate that we talk about cookbooks and other places I find my recipes before we actually check out the recipes themselves. Today it's all about the cookbooks. Tomorrow I'll share my favorite food blogs, websites, and iPod/iPhone apps related to food.

I broke all these bad boys up into categories in case you're looking for something specific. I received many of my cookbooks as gifts, some I bought online, and others were borrowed from friends or checked out from the library.

When it comes to buying cookbooks, I highly recommend checking out local used bookstores or checking online for the best deals. I'd say close to 90% of the time I buy books online, I buy them on Amazon.com because you can get used copies in good condition for super cheap. Another great site I bought books from in college is Half.com, where you'll also find great deals on books. Or, better than paying anything, go to your library and borrow the book, or ask friends if you can peruse their cookbook collections and borrow from them.You don't need to spend a bunch of money to get good ideas for recipes.

The most special cookbook I have was given to me by mom mom as a wedding gift. She compiled recipes that have been in our family for years, got recipes from Dennis's mom that were his favorites, and she had Dennis's sister illustrate it. I remember looking through it the first time, seeing some recipes and realizing it had been years since I'd eaten some of them, but they instantly brought back great memories of my child hood and the creative ways my mom would prepare foods for us. The book itself is something I'll always treasure, with many personal touches from my mom thrown in throughout the book. It's something that I will one day add to and share with Kaylee. I just couldn't include a post about cookbooks without mentioning it.

So, here are some of my favorite cookbooks, with little tidbits about why I love each of them.

Healthy

WomenHeart's All Heart Family Cookbook

by Kathy Kastan and Suzanne Banfield

This is a cookbook I checked out from the library. While I didn't find a bunch of recipes that I thought our family would particularly like, I would be tempted to buy this book just for all the reference material at the beginning. The whole first part of the book lists many, many heart healthy foods and discusses the health benefits of each. I learned so much in those pages.I was fascinated by how powerful a role our food choices play in our health. There are so many foods that have been shown to prevent diseases, so it was just more motivation to continue preparing healthy meals from scratch.

Hungry Girl: 200 Under 200: 200 Recipes Under 200 Calories

by Lisa Lillien

Hands down, this is the best cookbook ever. I am absolutely in LOVE with it, and there are still oh-so-many recipes I'm dying to try but still haven't had the chance to. Every recipe in this book is under 200 calories, and the Weight Watchers Points values are also listed on the Hungry Girl website for each recipe. This book has it all. Snacks, desserts, breakfast, lunch, dinner, appetizers, drinks - holy bananas, it's phenomenal. Lisa takes everybody's favorites like french toast, cinnamon rolls, cookies and cakes, and changes them up to be healthy. You'd expect them to taste nasty with so few calories, but I am in awe of how delicious and decadent her recipes are. Kaylee is crazy about the banana pancakes from this book. I make a big batch and freeze them, and they make a really quick and healthy breakfast for her. If you pay full price for any cookbook, make it be this one.

Weight Watchers' Simply the Best : 250 Prizewinning Family Recipes

One of my coworkers let me browse through this cookbook, and I found some absolutely amazing recipes. I've done Weight Watchers in the past, and really enjoyed some of the recipes on their website, so I had high expectations and I was not disappointed with what I found in this cookbook. Again - all sorts of things from muffins to cakes, fish, soups, poultry - something for everyone. All nutrition information is listed, and since it's Weight Watchers, you know all the recipes are healthy. All too often I look through cookbooks and only find a few recipes that seem worth trying, but not this one. This is one I hope to buy soon because it is filled with so many recipes that just sound amazing!

Crock Pot/Slow Cooker

Make It Fast, Cook It Slow: The Big Book of Everyday Slow Cooking

by Stephanie O'Dea

Ok, so I don't actually own this cookbook - YET, but I want it really, really bad. You may have heard of The Crockpot Lady. She used her crockpot every day for a year, and wrote a blog to chronicle the whole thing. This is a book filled with some of those recipes. Her blog is amazing, and she includes pictures of all the ingredients and the finished product. She's a mom, so you won't find any crazy, off-the-wall ingredients, and all of her recipes are gluten-free. On her website (http://crockpot365.blogspot.com), she talks about how she tries to limit the amount of sodium, fat, and processed foods that she and her family consume. This is another cookbook I know you wouldn't regret buying. Her stuff is deee-licious.

Fix-It and Forget-It Cookbook: Feasting with Your Slow Cooker

by Dawn J. Ranck and Phyllis Pellman Good

One of my aunts sent me this cookbook in 2005 after I'd written an email about the crock pot being my "new best friend." This book has over 800 crock pot recipes, submitted from people all over the country. Like many of my other favorite cookbooks, I love the incredible variety this one has! It's not just crock pot soups or pot roasts (although there are plenty of those recipes listed) - there's dessert, breakfast, appetizers, veggies, beverages and more. One other thing I love about the book is that there are so many variations on similar recipes that if you don't like one particular pot roast, you're bound to find another one that suits you better. There are also handy little crock pot tips throughout the entire book.

Reference Cookbooks

Betty Crocker Cookbook: Everything You Need to Know to Cook Today (Betty Crocker Books)

Dennis's mom gave us our Betty Crocker cookbook shortly before we were married. This serves as one of the main cooking references in my kitchen. If I haven't heard of a specific method of cooking before (i.e. blanching), or if I decide to be all brave and try a new vegetable, but have no idea how to cook it, I bust out Big Betty. There are handy tables that list different methods for cooking veggies, tips on selecting good produce and suggestions about how to store foods properly. The back cover has a chart for emergency substitutions if you happen to be out of a vital ingredient. I use this cookbook primarily for reference, and not so much for recipes, but it's an invaluable reference book in my kitchen as is evidenced by the many food splatters that adorn its pages.

Babies/Children

Miracle Foods For Kids: 25 Super-Nutritious Foods to Keep Your Children in Great Health

by Juliette Kellow and Sunil Vijayakar

This was a Christmas gift from my mom. I've always struggled with feeding Kaylee, and she's pretty tiny, so for the longest time I worried about whether she was getting enough nutrition and if I was choosing the right foods for her. It's so important to me that I instill healthy eating habits with her at a young age. My hope is that she'll develop a love for healthy foods including a variety of fruits and veggies. But, like many kids her age, she can be picky, and she's regularly practicing her ability to say things like, "I no yike it" before she's even tried it, so I have to get creative. This book is absolutely packed with healthy recipes, menu plans for different age groups, information on why kids need certain nutrients, how you can present the same foods in different ways to try and get your kids to eat them, and of course - recipes. The book focuses on "miracle foods" - things like blueberries, kiwifruit, eggs, yogurt, sweet potatoes, avocados, etc. The book discusses how these particular foods can help our kiddos protect themselves against future heart disease, diabetes and other illnesses, as well as the immediate benefits they offer, like helping to prevent things like constipation and anemia. I think all caregivers of children can benefit immensely from this book, and it would make a great gift for expectant or new moms as well.

Healthy Meals for Babies and Toddlers

by Valerie Barrett

This was another gift from my mom. This book is also filled with great resource information regarding allergies and intolerances, appropriate serving sizes for children, tips on cooking, freezing and reheating homemade baby food, and even ideas for for babies who are on vegetarian diets. The book is broken into age-appropriate recipes and meal ideas for babies and toddlers at each stage of their development. The photography in this book is gorgeous and sooo cute! The tiny little kid portions and utensils are just adorable. This is another fantastic resource for anyone with kids.

Refreshments

Smoothies and Ice Treats
by Lindsay Barnes and Amy Shawgo

My mom got me this cookbook a few years back at Kohl's during one of my smoothie kicks - I definitely go in spurts with the smoothies. One of the authors, Lindsay, is also a nutritionist, so the first part of the book has some basic nutrition information and discusses the health benefits of several foods. The rest of the books has a crazy variety of smoothie recipes. I'm talking everything from smoothies for athletes, for stress management, for men, women, children, breakfast, lunch, dinner - even special occasion smoothies. Love this book.

Please leave a comment tell me what your favorite cookbook is!

Stale marshmallows, exploding pie dishes, and dinner on the table by 7: A conversation with cookbook author, Aviva Goldfarb

2010-03-08T10:52:00.003-07:00

Sure, we’d all love to have a nice, hot, healthy meal on the table for our families each night, but – in reality – we all know that’s about as achievable as me trying to figure out a way to stop eating the three boxes of Thin Mints that are currently shoved way in the back of my refrigerator.

We’ve got so much on our plates, and if your dinner rotation looked anything like ours used to (a repetitious cycle of spaghetti, bean burritos, scrambled eggs, and cereal), you understand that all the preparation and planning to create homemade recipes with fresh ingredients can be overwhelming.

I feel lucky I have time to shower most days, let alone successfully plan a menu and make a grocery list. If you ask me, it’s one of the biggest challenges I face as a wife and a working mother, and I’m willing to bet my three boxes of Thin Mints that a majority of you feel the same way.

Enter…Aviva Goldfarb. She’s a wife, mother of two, cookbook author, owner and CEO of The Six O’Clock Scramble, and an active participant with such organizations as Oxfam and Healthy Child, working to promote awareness about creating healthy environments for our children and putting an end to hunger and poverty.

And, not surprisingly, she’s been in your shoes. She knows what it’s like to try and negotiate the aisles of a grocery store with children in tow. She’s had nights where she wondered what in the world she should cook for her family. She’s been tired and exhausted, and she’s even blown stuff up in her kitchen, for crying out loud.

She’s been featured in “O” magazine, Real Simple, Redbook and Shape (to name just a few), and I am so very excited that you get to hear from her today!

Stale marshmallows, exploding pie dishes, and dinner on the table by 7:

A conversation with cookbook author, Aviva Goldfarb

Sera: How have your cooking habits changed since you became a mom?

Aviva: Oh, pretty much completely. Actually, I have always been interested in healthy food, but before we had kids I didn’t mind so much running around to find special ingredients or making an elaborate meal. But once the realities of parenting set in, I needed really practical recipes, and had to tone down some of the spiciness for a while, although now our 12-year-old son loves spicy food (our 10-year-old daughter is just starting to like them.) Also, going to the grocery store wasn’t as much of a chore before we had kids, although I never loved shopping daily. But now I try to keep errands to a real minimum and plan for a whole week of meals and snacks at once.

Sera: How do you handle the days when you're rushed, tired and too hungry to spend a bunch of time preparing a healthy meal?

Aviva: Do you mean every day? That’s pretty much what you’re describing for us moms, right? That’s why I find that it’s essential to have a plan so you already know what you’re making for dinner and you know you have all the ingredients needed. What holds many people back from making dinner isn’t the cooking itself, it’s the planning or making decisions every day at dinner time about what to make and then trying to scrounge together the ingredients for it. Also, stick to simple meals that don’t take too long to make and don’t have too many ingredients. You can make such wonderful food from a few fresh and healthy ingredients, there’s no need to go to all that trouble and expense!

Sera: What are some of your favorite non-healthy splurges, whether they are from a restaurant, a box, or something you come up with on your own?

Aviva: Well, in terms of meals, I love cheese and could make a whole meal out of it, but I try to resist, and also love a great slow-cooked beef like brisket or homemade corned beef. Once in a while a piece of fried chicken is a treat, too. My strange dessert obsession is stale marshmallows, but I also love chocolate and would eat a lot of candy if it was healthier and calorie free.

Sera: Is there one particular recipe from your cookbook that is a staple in your household, one that everyone just loves?

Aviva: My daughter loves simple pasta like Celia’s Simple Spaghetti from my upcoming cookbook (basically spaghetti with olive oil, garlic and cheese), my son loves steak and baked potatoes, and my husband loves my spinach enchiladas. If my family could have steak and baked or mashed potatoes every week they would probably be thrilled, and we all love my husband’s homemade pizza, which he makes a couple of times a month. I like a lot of variety so I’ll eat any of it happily, but I really love lots of vegetables with my food, and I’m kind of crazy for fresh roasted beets, especially with oranges and goat cheese.

Sera: What is your personal favorite recipe from your cookbook?

Aviva: Wow, I think it’s impossible for me to choose! I got into my business partially because I love experimenting with food and could eat different meals every day of the week. But the Grilled Baby Back Ribs with Pineapple Glaze are pretty awesome, and I love the Grilled Caramelized Ginger Salmon and the Mango and Black Bean Salad.

Sera: What inspired you to get involved with the non-profit organizations you work with, and how can people get involved?

Aviva: I grew up in a family that always found ways to give back so it’s kind of a way of life for me, and I feel like we are so terribly fortunate to have all of our needs met when so many are suffering. I guess that I feel that we who have so much have an obligation to give back in as many ways as we can, but I also find that doing so brings great happiness and satisfaction, because it puts life in perspective and helps us realize what is important. It’s also important when you’re trying to raise kids in world that everyone around them has so much, that they also see how little others have and how we can help them. I was very proud of my son this month. For his bar mitzvah this month rather than giving him gifts, he asked that people make donations to an organization called Nothing But Nets that provides malaria nets for people in third world countries.

Sera: Who inspires you to cook?

Aviva: Probably my family because I want to feed them healthy meals and help them appreciate good food and where it comes from. Also my mom because she always made the most wonderful dinners for our family when we were kids and it really had an impact on me and helped me realize how important that effort and that time together is.

Sera: Aside from your own, which blogs and/or cookbooks do you read or refer to the most?

Aviva: Well of course I love Laughing Through the Chaos! I don’t read tons of blogs, although I’m kind of a Twitter fanatic, so if you count micro blogging that I guess I do follow a lot of people. I love Epicurious.com for research and fantastic recipes, and in terms of cookbook authors, I admire Mark Bittman (The Minimalist), Ina Garten (Barefoot Contessa), and I worship Mollie Katzen, the author of the original Moosewood vegetarian cookbooks.

Sera: Please tell us more about how we can waste less by doing fridge and/or freezer makeovers.

Aviva: A well-stocked freezer is my secret trick to getting through a week of homemade meals without making extra trips to the grocery store. It can be my safety net for those nights when I’ve run out of planned meals but don’t have time to get back to the store. I also keep extra veggies or side dishes in my freezer to quickly round out or expand meals I’m making. I find many people conceal hundreds of dollars of food in their freezers without realizing it. Without a plan to use what’s in there, all that valuable food can go to waste! So, I recommend that people “shop” in their freezers weekly to save money on your grocery bills. Here are some of the foods that I like to keep stocked in my freezer:

· Frozen vegetables for sides and main courses— our favorites are broccoli, chopped spinach, edamame, peas, and corn, but we like to branch out occasionally

· Easy and healthy side dishes like Asian dumplings, pierogies, potato or broccoli pancakes - we like Dr. Praeger’s, and even fresh bakery bread· A prepared meal or two—we love Amy’s or Trader Joe’s frozen pizza, Boca Burgers and Gorton’s grilled shrimp entrees

·Frozen lunches for those days we don’t have leftovers to pack for lunch—we enjoy Trader Joe’s or Kashi single-serving entrees

·Frozen fruit for smoothies and snacks, such as strawberries, mangos and blueberries.

· Low fat ice cream, of course! (We favor Edy’s Slow-Churned and Skinny Cow frozen cones)

Sera: I love that you and your entire family sit down together every night to eat at 7. Do you and your family have any fun traditions you do during dinner time?

Aviva: Eating dinner together such an important part of our family life. It’s the only time we’re all in the same room at the same time with no electronic distractions, and sometimes the only time we all even make eye contact! These days the kids help nearly every day with the cooking or setting the table, clearing and loading the dishwasher. We also have some great discussions and play some great games. In one game our kids call Dr. Know It All for some reason, each person says one word and we go around the table and try to create a story, but of course the plots and characters are always crazy.

Sera: Any fun kitchen/recipe disasters you'd be willing to share?

Aviva: All the time! Since I’m always testing new recipes sometimes it seems like nothing comes out well for an entire week, and then we’ll have a week of spectacular meals. But the worst one I can remember is the time that I accidentally set a glass pie dish on a hot burner on Thanksgiving and it exploded. We had to toss the soup, too, because we weren’t certain that it didn’t have glass shards in it.

Sera: What advice do you have for moms who realize they forgot to plan for dinner and have no idea what to make?

Aviva: Eggs and beans are your friends! You can easily make a frittata or omelet or even Scrambled eggs with toast, bagels and/or hash browns, or even just with some fruit. With beans and tortillas you can make super healthy and quick burritos. Both are inexpensive, flexible and healthy proteins. But next week take 10 or 15 minutes to plan out some meals in advance and make a grocery list before heading to the store. Your evenings will be infinitely more relaxing and probably healthier and cheaper, too.

Sera: Your new cookbook "SOS! The Six O’Clock Scramble to the Rescue: Earth-Friendly, Kid-Pleasing, Dinners for Busy Families" talks about earth-friendly recipes. This is not a theme I've ever seen in a cookbook. What can readers expect in terms of "earth-friendly"? Are you talking about organic foods, or how to produce less waste? Do tell!

Aviva: I’m so excited about this book, Sera, and it’s finally coming out next month! The new book is still full of easy and healthy family-friendly recipes, but it’s got a new twist. I’ve realized that weekly planning and eating seasonally are actually better for the earth, in addition to being better for our families. So in this book I talk about how families can reduce their environmental impact through smart dinner-time choices, like eating seasonally, buying more organic foods, eating more meatless meals and using sustainable seafood, and eliminating food waste (according to the New York Times, a family of four will throw out an average of 24 pounds of fruits and vegetables per month, or by another estimate, 15 percent of their groceries). I even talk about how to grow some of your own herbs and veggies, and how easy it is to compost your scraps, which is also one of the best things we can do for the environment. I hope you have a chance to check it out!

To hear more from Aviva, check out this video:

***
Follow Aviva on Twitter: @thescrambler
Become a Facebook Fan: The Six O'Clock Scramble/Aviva Goldfarb
Nothing But Nets website: http://www.nothingbutnets.net/
Aviva's books:

Junk in the trunk.

2010-03-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

This is not an easy conversation for me to have on my blog. In fact, I wrote the majority of this post nearly a month ago, and I've just been sitting on it, making sure I want to put it out there.

But ultimately, after having a good amount of time to mull it over, I've decided it's going up because is something I feel really compelled to write about. To be honest, it's probably more for my own therapeutic benefit than anything else, but also because I think it's really important for us to constantly be looking at our lives and making sure that we're dealing with our "junk" because when we carry around things that aren't resolved, it starts to affect our lives in ways we'd never imagine.

For years, I've been able to fly under the radar without these particular issues not seeming to affect my life all that much. But, I can now see that ever since Kaylee was born, these issues have been trying to push their way to the surface. I have this fear that the same things that happened to me, the same harmful ideas and concepts that were ingrained in my head as a kid and young adult, will somehow get to my child as well.

For now, I'm keeping things pretty general. Maybe down the road, as I figure things out a little better, I'll share more, but I figure this here is a good place to start.

About a month ago, I wrote a post about how I hadn't been sleeping well. I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out why, until I had two pivotal conversations - one with my mom, and one with a friend that prompted me to start digging a little deeper. She helped me realize that maybe my brain was literally giving me a wake-up call in the night, saying, "Yo! Sera! There's stuff in here you need to deal with!" She thought that maybe, if I could pinpoint whatever that was, I might be able to sleep better again. And she was right, because I've been sleeping like a log ever since I figured out what was bothering me.

So...here's the post I began writing on February 9, 2010.

*****

I think I've finally figured out what's been keeping me up at night for weeks on end.

After talking with my mom yesterday, it seems that I can pinpoint the time when the sleeplessness began, and now it's all making sense to me.

Not long after Kaylee's ear surgery, we made the choice to keep her out of the church nursery to limit her exposure to illness during the cold/flu season. Her immune system was shot after 2 months of heavy-duty antibiotics, and we didn't want her to end up in the hospital again. So, I began staying home with her on Sundays while Dennis went to church.

Stepping back from church gave me the opportunity to really look at some things in my own life. I've been going to church since I was a baby, but not long after Kaylee was born, I realized I had been having less and less interest in church, and I wasn't quite sure why. It's always been a big part of my life, and growing up, it's where I formed my identity, so to have these thoughts of wanting to step back from it for a while seemed weird to me.

Unfortunately, many aspects of my identity were skewed as a result of some ideologies I learned in the churches I went to.

Because of what I was told over and over during my younger years in church, I've been spending my life trying to live up to expectations that are nothing short of impossible. I've had an all or nothing mentality. I've driven myself to the edge with anxiety and worry and panic because I haven't been able to achieve perfection and the ideal image of who I thought I should be.

I've lived in constant fear of being judged, not being liked, not being good enough, and not making other people happy, and the things I was lead to believe in church ultimately set me up for some really unhealthy perceptions of myself later in life.

I was led to believe a whole series inaccurate things about myself...what it means to be a woman, a mother, a wife, and a Christian.

What I was told all those years ago has set me up to have these underlying themes of guilt and shame throughout my life, even when they were completely and utterly unnecessary and unfounded.

The intellectual part of my brain knows that I was lied to, that I unabashedly trusted people who never deserved my trust and who did nothing but hurt me in return.

It's just taking me some time to accept the fact that the things I learned in church as a young, trusting, impressionable girl have left a tremendously deep footprint on my heart, and it's not one of those footprints in the sand that's light and pretty - it's like a footprint from a big old nasty heavy boot with steel toes.

Being away from church for a while and having time to really think about some of the not so great behind-the-scenes stuff that all churches have (I don't care how "great" a church is - they've all got junk. They're run by people, and none of us are perfect) it's just made old memories fresh and raw, and it's just made me all kinds of angry and ticked off. I can look back on things with a different perspective and see how blinded and naive and vulnerable I was.

The only place I know to go from here is - well, to counseling, to be honest with you. Trying to get my head and my heart on the same page is a rather difficult thing. I'm a much stronger, more confident, and way less naive person than I was back then, but I need somebody neutral to help me figure this stuff out.

I'm comfortable in my faith, and I believe that God accepts me as I am, and that He doesn't want me to live in shame, fear, or guilt. I know those things, but it doesn't change some of the things that happened to me over the last 20 years. It doesn't change the fact that people - who claimed to be doing God's work - did and said things to me that I will never, ever forget, and that will always, always hurt me.

I just know that now, at the slightest sign of being hurt by people who claim to be Christian and doing "God's work" - all I want to do is run. I want to protect myself from ever being hurt like that again. And I'm trying to find the balance between protecting my daughter from those very things, while - at the same time - teaching her about our faith in an accurate light.

There's still a lot for me to figure out, so I'm just going to end here. I certainly welcome your comments and your stories and your experiences. Let's just keep things friendly, ok? Any mean or nasty comments will not be published.

(This post is a part of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop taking place every Thursday over at Mama's Losin' It.)

Wordful Wednesday - Sayonara, sucker.

2010-03-03T14:46:00.014-07:00

I hate to jinx this glorious situation, but I think it's finally safe to say that we've done away with the pacifier for good.

I told Dennis about all the talk of cutting part of the pacifier off with scissors (thanks again for all of your ideas and stories), and the moment we decided to dive in head first and DO THIS THING, he went to the kitchen and just flat out whacked that sucker in half. I was thinking more along the lines of a not-so-obvious cut in the end of it, but I didn't give him precise instructions, so...we just went with it.

She put it in her mouth, scrunched up her little eybrows, took it out and looked at us like, "Dude! WHAT the?!?"

This was followed by a series of putting it in, taking it out, putting it in, taking it out.

And then...oh, then all hell broke loose.

She utters this long string of thoughts, and we began to wonder if we pretty much made the biggest mistake ever...

"It's broke! What happened? Fix it! Daddy?!?! FIX it! What happened! Mommy? Kiss it!"

Because Daddy fixes things, and I kiss her owies. But, Daddy wasn't going to fix this, and no amount of kisses from me would make it all better.

BREAK. my. HEART!

Into a million little pieces.

I think it would be safe to say that Dennis and I were both fighting back tears.

You'd have thought we just told her the Wiggles were checked into rehab and wouldn't be released for 28 more days. She took it that hard.

The kid was devastated with a capital D. And her tears weren't part of a fit or a tantrum - it was pretty much just pure heartbreak.

You better believe we were questioning our decision. I'm freaking out thinking my child is going to end up in therapy someday because I gave her a broken pacifier. Please. Give me a break, right? But her big old alligator tears did that big of a number on me.

Once she calmed down later that night, she'd occasionally pick it up, put it in her mouth once, and then set it down and say, "It's broke." And that was that.

Getting her to bed was nothing short of a miracle, but she eventually went to sleep. And so did we.

And we all woke up the next morning and lived to tell the tale.

Since then, we've left some of the broken ones around the house and she just keeps telling us they're broken, but that's it. No tears. No sadness. As if it's no big thing.

The one significant change is that now, for breakfast each morning, she tells us matter-of-factly, "I need a cookie." Maybe she's dealing with it in her own special way like so many of us girls do. Cookies.

So, one really rough night, and a few days and at least an entire box of Thin Mints (we all remember the depths I'll go to for my Thin Mints, right?) later, we're no worse for the wear.

We've conquered one huge struggle, and now we just wait for the next one that's lurking it's ugly head around the corner, waiting to pounce on us.

But, I've got a box of Thin Mints hidden in the freezer, so we are good to go, people. Good to GO.

(This post is a part of Wordful Wednesdays, hosted by Angie at 7 Clown Circus.)

Oh, how she breaks us down...

2010-02-23T19:26:00.004-07:00

A few weeks ago Dennis and I began having the conversation about when to nix the pacifier. The consensus was to try and do away with it when Kaylee turned 2 (which is just around the corner).

We also agreed that it may very well be harder on us than it is on her.

The pacifier (which she fondly refers to as her "night-night") is an instant silencer 97.6% of the time. It saves me from public embarrassment in restaurants, grocery stores, and the library. It helps her go to sleep. It seems to be the magic ingredient that gets her to take naps.

And it is also her own sad little version of crack cocaine.

Recently, we've noticed she's taken up quite the attachment to the dearly beloved night-night - moreso than usual. We suspected that maybe she senses the end is near, and she better take what she can get before it's taken from her.

So - today, as she asked for it for pretty much each and every waking moment, we realized we should probably nip this thing in the bud before the big birthday. It's really getting pretty pathetic. Our rule used to be "only when you're sleeping," but our little manipulator broke us down at some unidentifiable point (I'm guessing during an illness or a way-too-frigging-long car ride), and we bent the rules.

We decided, in a decision that was nothing short of impulsive, that tonight would be the night. I told Dennis she would break us.

And break us she did.

We had about a 20 minute car ride that consisted of complete and utter drawn out wailing and screaming and sobbing and the most pathetic, tearful scream of, "I. NEED. my. NIGHT-NIGHT!"

Over. And over. And over. Again.

Sometimes all Dennis and I could do was to simply look over at each other and burst into laughter. She sounded so very desperate and needy.

And her screams were beginning to break down our very cores.

Dammit!

We got in the house, Dennis tried to calm her down by cuddling with her on the couch, but nothing would do the trick. We decided to cave.

I dug a pacifier out from one of the multiple pockets of my newly purchased Destructed Khakis from Old Navy (so stinking comfy!) and tossed the pacifier to Dennis on the couch. He dropped it, and then pointed it out to Kaylee and told her to go get it.

She scurried over to it, squatted down on the floor, and just stared at it, probably thinking something along the lines of, "Where have you BEEN all my LIFE! I freaking LOVE you!" Then she promptly popped that sucker in her mouth and carried on as usual.

Instant transformation. Nothing but smiles and songs and cute little jibberish like, "Don't hit Mommy! Mommy loves you!" and "I need candy" and "Hee-haw, hee-haw, hee-haw" the rest of the night.

20 minutes. We didn't last more than 20 minutes.

We need serious help.

I am soliciting your advice. Tell me your tried and true methods of nixing the binkie. Sooner, rather than later - please???

Well, we're official members of the Poop is Fun to Play With Club

2010-02-09T14:36:00.009-07:00

I can't believe it's taken us 22 months to officially earn our membership into this prestigious club. Sure, Kaylee had the whole episode when she was about 6 months old where she crafted a beautiful poop painting with her toes, but it wasn't until about 15 minutes ago that she inducted herself into the Poop is Fun to Play with Club.

I was sitting here, enjoying the fact that I could actually blog because Kaylee was quietly napping. I was working on some details for an upcoming food-themed week on the blog full of recipes, tips, giveaways and healthy, money-saving ideas. I was also trying to figure out how to tell you about the great books (11 so far) that I've read this year. So, I hear her start to fuss, but I let her be because it wasn't time for her to get up yet, and she was just whining a little bit.

Well, the whining quickly turned into a full blown fit, and I'm thanking my lucky stars I went in there at the precise moment I did or I fear that Kaylee would've facilitated her very own Extreme Nursery Makeover: Poop Edition.

I walk in and she's clutching her diaper - which is not on her body, and she's quietly saying, "Diaper off...diaper off."

Yes, my little baby genius. You are right. Your diaper is off. And your bed has poop on it. And you are playing with your poop. And I am totally grossed out.

So, the plans about food week and the ideas about sharing my must-reads with you had to wait.

I thought perhaps I could finish some of my thoughts by letting her watch Barney on the portable DVD player here in the office. But, she knows how to change it to Spanish now, and if there's anything more annoying than Barney, it's Barney and his obnoxious little pals singing in Spanish, so I'm afraid that's the end of my writing for today.

Because we can only take so much of Barney and the Wiggles

2010-02-05T17:28:00.005-07:00

Kaylee's been sick since about Tuesday (doctor said it was nothing more than a cold), and when she's sick, we let her watch about as much TV as she wants. Often, it's all that will calm her down.

Isn't it amazing how the very things that irritate us the most right now (uh...Barney and the Wiggles) can be so soothing to her?

Dennis and I can only take so much. Seriously. So, we've gotten to the point of just being totally ridiculous.

We can either nix the videos altogether, or we can have one crying, whiny, cranky kid who just needs a dose of Barney or the Wiggles to make the world a better place again.

We'd rather have a happy child.

So, what do we do? We put the videos on and then start dancing like idiots - I mean totally over-the-top, worse than Steve Urkel dancing.

Laugh all you want. It's our way of dealing with it. Parents do some crazy crap when they get an overconsumption of annoying toddler programs. Some turn to booze. Some might take up crack. Others might run away from home or join the circus. Anything to get away.

Us? Well, we dance until we have sufficiently irritated our child - just so she has a taste of the irritation that we, ourselves, experience. We start to dance and after we've gotten obnoxious enough for Kaylee to peel her eyes away from the TV, she notices us and gets a terrified look on her face and begins screaming a frantic, "NO! No-no-no! No! NO!"

And then we laugh until it hurts.

Because laughing is better than crack cocaine, folks.

I'll take diarrhea of the mouth with a side of insomnia for 200, Alex.

2010-02-03T12:22:00.013-07:00

When I talked about getting my priorities straight and not feeling guilty if certain things (i.e. the blog) had to take a back burner, I really didn't think I'd go two weeks without writing at all. But, I did. And I survived. And so did you. And here we are again.

I haven't written much because - well, I'm tired. Seriously tired. As in dragging all day and feeling like I could take a nap at any given moment, and frankly - I haven't had the brain power to write anything that really makes sense.

So, instead, I've been reading a lot. Reading books by people who were, at one point, getting enough sleep to write interesting and entertaining things that actually made sense. (I'll be doing a post about some of the great books I've been reading at some point in the hopefully-not-too-distant future...)

I'm working with my doctor to get this sleep thing figured out so I can feel like a normal person again. For several weeks, I'd fall asleep with no problem at all, but I'd wake up pretty much every two hours on the dot. Can we say annoying? Ugh.

Then my doctor switched me to a different antidepressant (fondly known in this house as ABPs for any of you newbies out there) that didn't put such a huge dent in our budget that I had to wonder...hmmmm, do we buy mama's happy pills and wipe our butts with newspaper this month, or do we buy toilet paper and skip the pills?

Joking...

About the toilet paper thing, anyway. We've never really had the meds vs. toilet paper dilemma, but seriously, what I was on was crazy expensive, so we decided to give something else a try. Plus, I think Dennis and I would both agree that we'd take out a second mortgage on the house and give up the internet, TV and chocolate if it meant I could keep my ABPs.

Now, I was having the sleep trouble even before I started the new stuff, but now, instead of waking up every two hours, I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow at 10, but I wake up anywhere between 1 a.m. and 3 a.m. and never fall back asleep.

It's torture.

So, we're decreasing my meds for a week to find out if that change alone will improve my sleep while still managing my anxiety/depression. Oh, how I love the waiting game!

But, in the meantime, I have a prescription for what I hope is something wonderful - Ambien, my friends.

Unfortunately, though - I'm on call at work for the next two nights, so it's like someone is dangling a Kit Kat bar in front of my face and every time I think about having a bite, they snatch it away...I've got the prescription in my hot little hands, but I don't suppose driving into work at 2 a.m. to deal with a psych patient while I, myself, am under the influence of Ambien would be a fantastic idea. So, two more nights and then hopefully I'll get a solid 8 hours in a row thanks to yet another little pill that will hopefully contribute to my happiness.

So - on top of this whole I'm not frigging SLEEPING thing, Kaylee got sick last night.

Crappity, crap, crap.

Congestion, nasty cough, snot, crankybuttedness, the whole 9. And I freaked out. It drug up everything we went through when she was so sick and ended up in the hospital, when she got sick again just after being released from the hospital, facing doctors who didn't understand the severity of her recurrent illness, and eventually taking her in for emergency surgery. That whole thing began with a simple ear infection gone really, really bad, so you know there was a part of me that was wondering if it might happen again.

This is the first time she's been sick since her surgery, and I know kids are more prone to ear infections when they've got colds. So, I'm just praying it doesn't get worse.

In other news (hey, I go two weeks without writing - you can pretty much count on getting a smorgasbord of random thoughts that I've had bottled up for 14 days...), the whole cooking healthy meals with fresh ingredients thing is still going really well. I continue to try new recipes, and Dennis is patiently going along with it. I know it's gotta sound crazy, but I have found that I love the mindless monotony of chopping vegetables. Isn't that ridiculous? But I'm being serious! I get so excited when I've got an entire meal that's cooked and I realize that I chopped every little carrot and potato and bell pepper.

It's the little things, ya know?

Mama Kat occasionally does a feature on her blog called something to the effect of "What's for Dinner?" where she has pictures and/or video of the ingredients she uses and how to make a certain recipe.

I'm pretty seriously contemplating a food-themed week coming up soon here with some ideas for healthy yet delicious cooking based on some of the recipes we've tried and loved, and some of the ways we're saving money on the good stuff. And, of course I'll have a couple giveaways to go along with all of my sage advice. Ha ha ha.

And, that's probably enough for now. This is why I shouldn't go 2 weeks without posting - I get diarrhea of the mouth and can't shut up. So, if you're still reading, do what Kaylee does when she coughs, and pat yourself on the back. You deserve it.

Living with priorities and without regrets

2010-01-19T21:47:00.007-07:00

I've had a significant amount of time off from work this month (not by choice), and while it made me apprehensive at first due to the fact that I'd be wondering how we might make ends meet, I am now SO grateful for it. And wouldn't you know...I was able to get extra shifts and we'll be just fine.

I haven't been blogging as much lately because I'm trying to keep my priorities in line. Writing is something I'll always need to do. I have to get things out, and I want to be able to look back on all my posts someday to remember all the little things that may otherwise be forgotten. Part of me feeling peaceful about where my priorities are has meant less time on the computer, less time reading blogs, less time blogging, less time commenting. And while I felt some guilt about that initially, I decided to just get over it.

Right now, I've got no regrets about how I spend my time. I'm playing with my daughter, taking her out on errands with me, teaching her things, learning things from her, making time to exercise and to - (are you sitting down?) cook healthy, wholesome foods for my family. We're talking fresh fruits and veggies, high protein, low fat, limited processed stuff and recipes we've never tried before. I know. What has come over me? I now spend more time reading books than I do on the computer, and that is one change that I am so glad I made. I've already finished 4 books this month, and I hope to finish one more by the end of the month.

Kaylee is just more of a sponge every single day, and she's cracking us up so much. From asking us, "What happedid?" during a commercial on one of her shows, or during the very short break between songs on a CD, to blaming her own farts on Dennis, we are just loving this stage of being parents. And yes, she seriously blamed a fart on Dennis. How can a child who is not even two yet even know that's an option? She farted the other day and then said, "Daddy FART!" and started laughing.

She now sings her ABCs up to the letter K, knows her colors, and counts to 9 (I know, budding Baby Genius over here).

My parents were incredible teachers to us growing up. They took every opportunity to help us learn about ourselves and the world around us. It just really instilled a love of learning in me, and I've always looked forward to the time when I could pass that on to my own children, and now I'm seeing the results of it.

I feel like this time - right now - is what I envisioned when I pictured motherhood. This interaction, this bonding, and the joy and laughter she brings to us (coupled with, of course, an overwhelming sense to protect her, to worry about her, and to be overcome by frustration with her, at times) - this is what I wanted. At the beginning, I just didn't realize it might take so much time to get here.

Of course there have been good moments at all the stages of her life, but it was so hard for me to just relax and enjoy things for such a long a time at the beginning. There was a mean, nasty adjustment period I hadn't counted on. I didn't realize that, at first, there would be so little sleep and so much stress. I expected so many fun times right away, but that's not how it works.

And what I didn't realize is this time - right now - is like the ultimate prize for surviving the first few months.

This little piggy went to market, this little piggy went home, and this little piggy went to gym class and became a mean old stealer of parking spaces

2010-01-12T14:01:00.005-07:00

It's true. It's really true. Today I stole someone's parking space at the gym. Go ahead and unfollow my blog - I'm a terrible person. This much I know.

We were running late. I hate being late to class. I don't want to miss a minute of the cardio portion of the class, and if I didn't get my butt into class pronto, there would be calories that would never have the opportunity to burn. So sad. Plus, there are never any spots in the far, far away parking lot, waaaay in the back of the gym. It was cold. I had to unload all the crap from the car and then buckle my kid into the stroller. The task before me was not an easy one.

The spot was RIGHT in front of the entrance. As I turned on to the street, I saw the sporty red car backing out, making room for me to park - allowing me to get to class on time. Hallelujah! Had I strained my ears a bit closer to heaven, I am pretty sure I'd have heard the angels singing. A spot at the entrance?!? On a day when I'm LATE? Be still my heart!

Of course, in my mind, as soon as the sporty red car backed out, I staked my claim on that spot. It would be mine!

But, to my dismay, as I approached that stinking gorgeous parking space, I noticed The Red Jeep.

Poor, poor, victimized Red Jeep.

The Red Jeep had its blinker on. A blinker which happened to not only be pointing in the direction of the entrance to the parking lot, but that also happened to be pointing in the direction of my parking space, sent to me straight from the heavenly angels up above. How would I know where she really mean to turn? I pretended she meant to turn into the parking lot and not into the space.

So, I had about 4 seconds to solve my moral dilemma of the century. Do I politely keep driving ahead and let The Red Jeep have the spot, or do I decide to be a mean old selfish hag and take the spot for myself?

Well, to be honest with you, I am not familiar with what it feels like to be a mean old selfish hag, and I thought - What the heck? Today's as good a day as any, right? I wanted to try it out. So I did something I've never before done in my life...I took the spot. For myself. The spot that was clearly not mine because it had a big, fat tag on it that said: This spot belongs to The Red Jeep.

My good old Lutheran guilt got to me a bit, but I tried to tell myself it was no big deal, and I watched as The Red Jeep circled the parking lot.

"Oh, CRAP! Please don't let it be one of the moms in my class!!!" I hoped and prayed.

About 5.6 seconds later, I found out it was most definitely not one of the moms from my class.

I was strapping Kaylee into her stroller as fast as my little fingers could get her in there, hoping against all hope that I could get inside before The Red Jeep lady exited her vehicle. There was no way I was making eye contact if I could help it. I may have been a mean old selfish hag, but I was still ashamed and embarrassed.

All of a sudden, I hear a voice. A voice that is addressing me. The voice from The Red Jeep. Dang it.

She says, "That was really RUDE of you take my space."

Well, reeeer! I felt like saying, "Oh yeah? I didn't see your name on it!" and sticking my tongue out at her. Please - I spend my days with a toddler. Regression is bound to happen at some point. But worry not, I didn't say it, and I didn't even stick my tongue out.

So instead, I sincerely said, "I'm sorry." And then - before I knew it, the words were out of my mouth...

I said sarcastically, "Well, I can pack my kid up in the car and move so you can have it back."

Goodness, me. Where did that come from? From sincere to sarcastic in 2 seconds flat. That's me, people. That's me.

...Me who waits for eons for the old people to scoot across the crosswalk at Wal-Mart.

...Me who will let one or two cars go when no one ahead of me has.

...Me who drives defensively and takes great pride in my safe driver discount.

...Me who has never had a speeding ticket or moving violation in my LIFE.

...Me who is a polite and courteous driver (and by polite and courteous I mean that I don't flip people off. Do I occasionally utter swear words when they cut me off in traffic? Yes, ma'am. But the windows are up, so give me a break).

And just in case I didn't hear her the first time, she took one more opportunity to whine at me about how rude I was and then drove off angrily.

Seriously, I am usually so nice and would never do such a thing - steal a parking space OR smart off like that. To complete and total stranger no less.

But, the woman pissed me off. She actually blocked traffic behind her (preventing anyone else from stealing any other parking spots, I'm sure. What a killjoy!) so that she could stop and inform me that I was rude.

Dude, I know I was rude. I'm nice to strangers 98.6% of the time. I know what I did was wrong. I apologized. Pull up your big girl panties and go find another frickin' parking spot. It is what it is.

Will I steal another parking space? Probably not.

At first, when I thought about it, I considered how fun it was to get chewed out in public and I decided it would probably be awesome if I made a daily habit out of stealing parking spaces.

I'd be like, "What's that, Kaylee? You're tired of Barney and you want to go steal things? I've got just the ticket! Let's go steal parking spaces for the next 3 hours! YES!"

But, just as anyone should do before taking up a new hobby, I decided to google it.

But, after what I found, I'm not sure I should tempt fate, lest my luck run out and eventually I end up like this poor guy - stabbed in the chest with an ice pick for stealing a parking space, or like this poor girl who got knifed in the head, shoulder and arms after she got in a fight with another chick over a parking space.

I guess I'm done trying out this whole mean old selfish hag gig. It's not worth an ice pick to the chest.

Because those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days of early motherhood eventually become a thing of the past, just like sleep and your sanity.

2010-01-06T20:19:00.024-07:00

When Kaylee was 2 weeks old or 2 months old, or heck - even 6 months old...when I was knee deep in my, "Really? I thought I could do this? I actually thought I was cut out to be a mom? When will I ever sleep again? I will never be able to function as a normal adult again - EVER." days...

...I wish back then I'd had a video clip of the future - a video clip of tonight - to play for myself on those early days that were filled with so much frustration. Those days when I couldn't look at Dennis without snapping something mean back at him, even if he hadn't said anything.

Tonight - I sat back and watched as my baby played with my mom and my dad. I just sat there and took it all in and watched in amazement at where we are at in our lives now.

I just welled up with pride at the things she's doing - talking in these cute little toddler sentences, pushing her dolls all over the house in a cardboard box, telling them, "Ready? Set? GO!" and then "All done!" when she's tired, putting together puzzles and coloring and painting, and showing affection - actually asking for hugs and "noses" (Eskimo kisses).

My once helpless skinny mini baby who just gurgled, smiled, ate, farted and crapped her pants all day is turning into this tiny little person with an extremely strong personality who occasionally makes an angry face at me while yelling garbled words that I can only guess to be some form of toddler profanity invented by another baby genius somewhere else in the world who passed it on to toddlers everywhere. Maybe they learn these toddler swear words (i.e. "MamaYOWado-doYOWnabuggaYOW!") by playing their Elmo DVD's backwards or something when we're not looking. I have no idea.

Anyway - to get back to my point - a night like tonight would have been a light at the end of the tunnel for me during those first few months when I battled the worst part of my depression. Maybe if I'd been able to see what it would be like - what our life would turn into - maybe if I'd seen that someday I would get the sparkle back in my eyes and I would experience joy and pride and contentment, that I would be able to laugh again - maybe it would have been a little easier.

Maybe I would have actually believed that it really would get better.

But, I didn't have a snapshot of my future, and I still turned out okay. And so did my kiddo.

Because, as hard as that time was, it ended.

The really, really horrendously sleepless nights and constant crankiness and persistent funk ended.

And if that's where you're at, yours will end, too. You'll reach a day where you look back, and the hard times won't seem quite so harsh. And it will be because you're strong and you're going to make it through. Even though it seems like the struggles of life right after a baby will never get better, they can - and they will.

Eventually, you'll be able to sleep again, you'll be able to laugh and to feel like yourself. There are different ways of getting to that place, but if you're willing to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, you'll get there.

And once you do, you'll wake up the next morning to pick Ranch dressing out of your kid's hair from the night before, but only after you stub your toe on a spare Mr. Potato head ear, arm, or hat. Then you'll proceed to eat a breakfast consisting of either Cheerios that went soggy because your kid took a monster dump right after you poured the milk, or once-delectable-looking scrambled eggs that are now cold because there was a toddler breakdown when the extremely overplayed Barney DVD began to skip.

You will then walk to the bathroom, and you'll imagine how amazing a 25 minute shower would be. You'll skip the shower because - well, who are we kidding? Do you really need an excuse to skip a shower? (You're a mom now - put in a headband and a ponytail and call it good.) You'll count to 10 v-e-r-y slowly, and then you'll jump right back into the chaos.

Because you are someone's mom. And even though it may not seem like what you signed up for in the first place, in so many ways, it's turned out to be even better.

Wordful Wednesday: The joy, the anticipation, the complete and utter deliciousness

2010-01-05T20:29:00.009-07:00

To my dear Kaylee,

As your mother, there are so many things I'm responsible for teaching you. Look both ways before you cross the street. Don't cut in line. Be nice. Don't bite. Don't pinch. Don't throw a fit. Boys are disgusting. 2 + 2 = 4. Take your vitamins.

But, out of all the things I feel the need to teach you, I cannot even begin to describe the level of joy I felt when I realized I didn't need to teach you about how nothing else in the world matters when you've got a Christmas sugar cookie in your face. I feel like doing this very same thing with my own hands and opening my mouth as wide as it will go when I feast my eyes upon one of Grandma's sugar cookies, too. And I didn't even have to teach you. You figured it out all on your own. That's my girl, sweetie pie.

That's my girl.

Love, Mama

This post is a part of Wordful Wednesday, hosted by Angie at 7 Clown Circus.

The first shiner.

2010-01-04T13:51:00.002-07:00

Well, my little sugar plum got her first shiner.

She took a nosedive off my bed and face planted it on my nightstand. A nasty, ugly purple bruise appeared almost instantly on her little cheek, and it just kills me to see it.

She cried for a short bit and then she was over it. Didn't break any skin inside or outside her mouth, and her teeth are just fine.

But if this was so hard, how will I deal with it if she ever breaks a bone?

I have a feeling I'm headed into uncharted territory with my now climbing, running, jumping, energetic and fiesty little firecracker.

Anyone know where I can buy bubble wrap in bulk?

Starting with a clean slate.

2010-01-01T19:36:00.004-07:00

I've never been one for New Year's Resolutions. It's just too much pressure.

On the one hand, though, I like the idea of having a brand new year. A clean slate. 12 months of possibilities. It's like a breath of fresh air.

Last year was quite a year. Sure, there was nothing monumental, but I did a lot of growing. Had a few growing pains, in fact. But - I'm grateful for all that happened and for the realizations I made.

I did a lot of reflecting on things. Things like - what really brings me joy? What do I need more of, and what can I get by with less of? What do I need to feel balanced, to feel well, to feel like my priorities are in line?

So, this year I'm not making resolutions, but I'm establishing just a few goals for myself. It's hard to not just sit here and just brainstorm stuff that I want to get done this year. Two or three months ago, if I'd decided to sit down and come up with a list of goals for 2010, the list would have easily been a few pages long.

BUT! I'm learning to put less pressure on myself. To let some things go, and to try and have less stress and anxiety in my life. So, I'm setting the bar lower. Realizing that less is more. And this is what I'm going for this year.

*Being WELL. To me, this means taking care of myself - eating right, regularly doing exercise that I love, getting good sleep, setting boundaries where they need to be set, and realizing that I don't have to do everything and be everything.

*Reading like crazy. These past couple months I've been reading voraciously, and even though it may sound corny, it's making me such a happier person! It's like I've rediscovered my favorite past time, and I am absolutely loving getting lost in a good book.

*Enjoying life and relishing in the small things. This could mean ditching the laundry for watching my backlogged episodes of Grey's Anatomy and eating a chocolate bar, or it could mean remembering that playing with Kaylee is more important than anything else I need to do in my day. It means keeping my family and friends my first priorities, and trying not to sweat stuff that really doesn't matter in the long run.

Do tell me what you are hoping for this year!

Best of Laughing Through the Chaos - 2009 - Right where I want to be

2009-12-31T10:00:00.000-07:00

Right where I want to be.

We've been doing good letting the baby cry it out at night lately. We haven't caved, and we're all surviving.

But, tonight? Tonight I really needed to cuddle my baby. I needed those quiet, tranquil moments when she's cuddly and close, when she's out like a light and even snoring at times.

Yesterday I started reading, Down Came the Rain. The book is written by Brooke Shields, and it's all about her struggle through postpartum depression after the birth of her daughter, Rowan. I can clearly remember the exact place I was standing in Barnes and Noble the first time I saw her book.

I was pregnant, picked up the book, and quickly put it back after thumbing through a few pages. Some of the words I was reading were just appalling. I didn't want to read more. It seemed pretty dark, and I wasn't going to go through that - so, I put it back and didn't think much of it. I moved on to other books about fetal development, labor, and baby showers.

But, after having Kaylee and waging my own battle with postpartum depression, I've really been curious about what she shared in her book, and what she went through. I think it's a pretty brave thing for a celebrity like herself to share her story and put it out there.

Well, let me tell you that I'm glued to the book, and although there are things she writes about that I can't relate to, there are plenty of things that are stark reminders of my early postpartum life.

She talks about feeling disoriented in her own home during the few days following her daughter's birth. Feeling like everyone but her was caring for her baby because, physically, she could not. She talks about how the majority of her time spent with the baby was when people would bring the baby to her for feeding. She talks about feeling like the neverending cycle of crying, sleepless nights, and feedings wouldn't end. And she talks about feeling like a failure for not being able to do some of the most basic tasks of motherhood, and therefore feeling disconnected from and unfamiliar with her very own baby.

Those are things that resonated with me. And it took me back. It reminded me how far I've come. It was not a place I wanted to be. It was certainly not where I envisioned I would be.

I remember feeling almost like a bystander in my baby's life for the first week - just standing by and feeling completely helpless. In some ways, I was. It hurt to turn over in bed, to get out of bed, to walk to the bathroom, to go to the bathroom. I was in so much pain that it was hard to focus on anything else.

And my family knew that. And they were there for me every step of the way. They alternated nights staying with Dennis and I for the first week. They assumed full baby duty during the nighttime hours so we could attempt to actually sleep.

I remember thinking to myself that I would never be able to sleep again. I really believed that. I was so exhausted and tired that it seemed that the ability to fall asleep had escaped me. I was too busy trying to sleep and not being able to, that everyone else had to take care of my baby for me. I felt like the show was going on without me. I wondered if my baby even knew who her mother was, because I certainly wasn't the one spending the majority of the time with her. In my illogical and sleep-deprived mind, I wondered if I'd be able to bond with her, or if some magical window of prime bonding time had passed us by.

I loved my baby the instant she was born. She amazed me. I was in awe of her, and I loved her with everything I had. But, not being able to have a deeper involvement in her care made it harder for me to feel that connection with her right away because I physically could not do the things I wanted to do. I couldn't just sit awake - even during the day - and stare at her, holding her, rocking her. I couldn't change many of her diapers, clean her up, or wash and fold her clothes. I couldn't even breastfeed my own child, for pete's sake. I felt like the epitome of failure.

My family was (IS) amazing, and I have no idea how we'd have survived that first week without them. They stayed up through the night and never complained once. They did way more than we ever expected them to do. They were by our sides through it all. And when I couldn't be there for my baby, they were. It was because of them that I was finally able to get to that place of being able to be there for my little girl.

So, tonight, when I read more about Brooke's struggles that mirrored my own, I felt an overwhelming need to just hold my baby for more than a quick hug before I put her in her crib to cry it out. Tonight was certainly not a night for crying it out.

I needed to hug her, and hold her close, and tell her how much I loved her. Because tonight I was reminded of a time when I wondered how I could possibly make it to the place I'm at today.

Best of Laughing Through the Chaos - 2009 - Tribute to Elmo - the original gateway drug for babies

2009-12-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

I swore we would have nothing to do with Elmo.

Then, my aunt sent me some DVDs her boys outgrew. When I saw the Elmo video, I paused for a moment as I envisioned driving down the interstate doing 75 and chucking it out the window with a blissful smile on my face.

But, logic took over. I decided I better hang on to it. Kaylee might want to watch it someday. Maybe she'd wake up and decide she was just too cool for the Veggie Tales. One never knows about these things, so I put it with the rest of our DVDs, and hoped it stayed right there. In the DVD box. With the lid on. Never to come out. Ever.

Now, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure it was my husband who eventually dug it out, popped it in the DVD player, and introduced Kaylee to the gateway drug known as Elmo. I fear that this may lead to other even more powerful and annoying baby addictions such as the Wiggles. God help me...

Anyway, Elmo now runs through her veins. I can hardly tell her no when she looks at me with her pleading puppy dog eyes, a hopeful look on her face and utters the cutest little, "Ewmow???" you ever heard in your whole life.

Her face lights up, her smile becomes a mile wide, and she claps like a fool as soon as the movie starts.

And now, as we've been at home for 2 days giving her breathing treatments for the beast called bronchitis, Ewmow (in combination with a pacifier) is about the only thing that can get her to calm down.

Stupid Ewmow has also caused me to cave in ways I never thought I would. As we waited for her prescription at the pharmacy yesterday, we strolled down the baby aisle and found the thing I am ashamed to admit that I've been looking for - a stuffed Elmo that does. not. make. NOISE.

Oh, sweet miracle from Jesus.

She got the stuffed Elmo.

And this morning, when I drove to Wal-Mart at 6:30 in the morning to get a temporal lobe thermometer so I didn't have to hold the old fashioned one under her armpit for 87 minutes, I also got her a new Elmo DVD and a Sesame Street songs DVD.

Dang frickin' helium-filled Elmo got inside my head, too. I've already watched his DVD five - count 'em - FIVE times today, and I'm already getting jittery and sweaty, just jonesin' for another episode. I hope I can resist the temptation until Kaylee wakes back up from her nap.

So, you little crazy-eyed monster, this week, my tribute is to you. Not because I think you're even the slightest bit funny, cute, or entertaining (even though you look totally bad ass in your rapper costume when you sing hip hop songs)...

...but because you make my baby so happy. And for that, I'm grateful.

Best of Laughing Through the Chaos - 2009 - How I Kicked Postpartum Depressions Ass - The Series

2009-12-29T10:00:00.002-07:00

I'm finding it really hard to balance work, family, blogging and overeating these past couple weeks, so blogging had to take a back burner.

This week is still full of family time, working, and - well - the consumption of more holiday treats because, frankly, the holidays aren't over until January 1st. So...here are some of my favorite posts from this year. Enjoy them while you take breaks from your family. :)

Click the links below to read the five-part series I wrote about my struggle with postpartum depression.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five

Best of Laughing Through the Chaos - 2009 - I've Come a Long Way, Baby

2009-12-28T18:01:00.003-07:00

It's been a big year for me.

The biggest thing that's happened for me in the past year was welcoming sweet Kaylee into the world. She's going to be ONE next month - a concept I still can't wrap my head around.

I've learned a crap load of things about myself since becoming a mom. There's things I can do now that I could never do before, and believe it or not - a handful of these things actually have nothing to do with being a mom.

After Kaylee was born, I doubted myself so much, especially in those first few weeks. I had a really hard time making the adjustment from being just a wife to being a wife and a mother.

But, this past year, my confidence has grown a lot. I think it started when I realized that I can't be a "perfect" mother. I had to face it - Kaylee wouldn't always get a bath every day, a hot, home cooked meal was not always going to be on the table, I wouldn't get to shower every day, and there would not be one single day of my life since the day my baby was born that my entire house would be clean.

Go ahead and insert a big sigh right about here.

Finally realizing that I couldn't live up to my idea of the perfect mother/wife was directly related to a boost in my self-esteem (don't get me wrong - there are still plenty of days when my confidence goes down the crapper...) While I was becoming more confident in my role as a mother, my confidence starting growing in other areas of my life as well.

A year ago, there were so many things I just simply couldn't do.

I couldn't establish and stick to a strict budget without buying "little things" here and there that we may or may not have needed. Now I can.

I couldn't sit on the toilet and pee, while holding a child and talking on my cell phone - all at the same time. Now I can.

I couldn't imagine what it would actually look like to have my living room floor covered in ripped up tissue in a matter of seconds. Now I can.

I couldn't talk on the phone while wiping someone's ass. Now I can totally do that.

I couldn't spend less than about $100 on groceries in a week. Now I can.

I couldn't fit into my favorite pants. Now I can!

I couldn't imagine letting my child sit in front of the TV for 30 minutes (ok - 45 sometimes...) before she was even a year old, just so I could have some peace and quiet. Now I can.

I couldn't walk in to a patient's room at my job and ask them to talk to me about why they wanted to end their life. It was too scary for me, and I just couldn't do it. Now I can.

I couldn't understand why some moms yelled at their kids in the grocery store. Now I can.

I couldn't look at a tiny little turd and even think about just fishing it out of water bare handed - no way in heck, dude! But that changes when you run the risk of your kid eating that little turd. No way I could have done it a year ago. Now I can.

I've come a long way, baby.

I'm a proud, money-savin', butt-wipin', waist-shrinkin', domestically disabled, barehanded turd-wranglin' mom who loses my patience more than I wish I did, and who lets her baby watch TV.

But, I can hold my baby and talk on the cell phone while I pee, so that makes up for everything else, because there's probably a lot of people out there who couldn't do that even if they tried.

Holiday How-To #5: Decorate for Christmas if you've got a rambunctious toddler (or a cat)

2009-12-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

Decorating for Christmas presented a whole new set of challenges this year. Kaylee is a climber, a daredevil, and loves to put things around her neck, so the thought of having a Christmas tree up this year was starting to give me heartburn.

I figured she'd do one of four things:

1. Climb the tree
2. Pull the tree over on herself
3. Try to make the lights into a necklace
4. Remove all ornaments from the tree and hide them wherever it is she is currently hiding 22 of her 24 crayons and all but one of her pacifiers.

I hate heartburn, so we opted to do things differently this year.

First order of business?

We downgraded from last year's tree...

...to this year's tree...

We're pretty partial to our Christmas tree ornaments, some of which were our very first Christmas ornaments on our first Christmases. We don't have a Martha Stewart matching tree and we never will (although I will admit part of me would love to have an elegantly decorated color coordinated tree - I think I'd go with pink and silver). We love our collection of ornaments that commemorate special events that happened each year, and Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without them.

So...we came up with this idea for our entryway, which - believe it or not - was not inspired by anything in Better Homes and Gardens or the Martha Stewart magazine.

And, for the part of me that loves decorations that are beautiful and color coordinated, we have this, which Kaylee cannot destroy - I hope.

Now, I realize that it's a bit late in the game to be giving you tips for Christmas decorating. I mean - shoot - it's just a couple days away. But, hopefully this will give you some inspiration for next year.

And, I'd just like to throw it out there that I got all my Christmas decorations for 90% off at Target and Michael's during their after Christmas sales last year, so get in on that bit of shopping heaven a couple weeks after Christmas and you'll be set for next year.

Also - for you cat lovers out there, my totally rockin' and not the least bit cheesy wall display of ornaments will work wonderfully if for some reason you decide to opt out of a Christmas tree as a result of an adventurous cat (my dear friend Deb got to experience this first hand this year).

This post is my 5th Holiday How-To post, inspired by Summer's Holiday How-To Blog Carnival at Le Musings of Moi.

Making it on to my very first Top 10 list

2009-12-21T07:23:00.007-07:00

Today Katherine Stone, author of the the most widely-read blog in the country on depression and anxiety during pregnancy and the postpartum period - Postpartum Progress - named the top 10 writers on postpartum depression in 2009.

When she emailed me last week to inform me that I was one of her choices, I was honored beyond words. Katherine has the most comprehensive site that I've ever come across when it comes to all types of postpartum mood disorders.

Katherine is a survivor of postpartum OCD and is an incredible advocate for women who suffer from postpartum mood disorders of all kinds. Her site shares information for women, their families and spouses, and information for practitioners.

She shatters the stigma associated with mental illness, and she does an amazing job of showing that we are not in this alone - there are so many others going through the same struggles as we are, and there is help out there for us.

Mosey on over and take a look at her selections for the year...

Holiday How-To #4: Make to-die-for orange cream cookies

2009-12-15T21:04:00.008-07:00

It's no secret I love food. Especially food with lots of sugar. And carbs. Sugar and carbs are where it's AT!

So, it shouldn't surprise you at all that one of my very favorite things about the holiday season is all the yummy goodies. Fudge, cookies, warm rolls straight out of the oven, pie, mmmmm...

One of my favorite memories of Christmas as a child was making sugar cookies with white frosting and rainbow colored sprinkles to leave out for Santa. What is that is just so darn fun about rainbow colored sprinkles on white frosting?

So, this past weekend I went to my first ever cookie exchange, which gave me a perfect excuse to bust out some recipes from my new Betty Crocker Christmas cookie cookbook. I'm trying not to have too many sweets in the house, but hello! I had to make 3 dozen cookies for this party, so the cookie making just had to happen.

I fell in love when I saw the words, "Orange Cream Cookies."

Holy toledo, Batman. Orange cream is one of my favorite flavors in the whole entire world. Orange cream soda, orange cream candy, orange cream ice cream treats, and now you're telling me I can have all that delicious goodness in a cookie? I love you, Betty Crocker.

So, here's the skinny on how you can make these rip-roaring tasty cookies. Now, keep in mind that in the picture in the cookbook, these cookies are a very calm, pastel-ish light orange color. That's because the recipe calls for 5 drops of yellow food color and 2 drops of red food color. Well, I decided to be cheap and buy the store brand food coloring. What I didn't realize is that there are no droppers on the store brand food coloring. I'm guessing I was off in my estimations of what the equivalent of 5 drops of yellow and 2 drops of red were.

Hence, the neon cookies that almost make you want to wear sunglasses.

Ingredients:

1 pouch (1 lb 5 oz) Betty Crocker sugar cookie mix
3 Tbsp. butter or margarine, melted
1 tsp. orange extract
1 tsp. vanilla
1 egg
5 drops yellow food color
2 drops red food color
1 bag (12 oz) white vanilla baking chips (2 cups) **I think 1.5 cups would be perfect - 2 was a bit much)

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 350. In a large bowl, stir all ingredients except baking chips until soft dough forms. Stir in baking chips.

2. On ungreased cookie sheets, drop dough with 1 1/2 Tbsp-size cookie scoop or by rounded Tbsp about 2 inches apart.

3. Bake 9 to 10 minutes or just until dough is set (do not overbake). Cool 1 minute; remove from cookie sheets to cooling racks

Nutrition Info: Ahhh, who cares. Seriously.

This post is a part of Wordful Wednesday at 7 Clown Circus and the Holiday How-To's Blog Carnival going on at Le Musings of Moi.

Holiday How-To #3: How to make healthy food choices {Giveaway for FREE Healthy Choice food}

2009-12-13T06:53:00.013-07:00

If you haven't checked out your calendar today, it's December 13, which can only mean one thing...

With less than 2 weeks until Christmas, it's officially crunch time.

There are presents to buy, houses to decorate, Christmas cards to send, parties to plan, food to buy, and plans to be made. And, as much as we'd like to think we can do it all, we just can't.

While we're all trying not to lose our minds, it's important that we remember to delegate things, to ask for help, and to accept help.

Shoot, if you're workin' your little booty off trying to get 36 hand-decorated cookies made for tonight's cookie exchange while religiously watching that ebay auction so you get the best deal on this year's latest annoying singing, dancing, neurotic Elmo AND ironing your pants for work, for goodness sake - make your husband do a load of laundry, tell your kid to put away his OWN Legos, and declare tonight a "Cook Your Own Dang Dinner" night.

We may be burning the candle at both ends at this point of the year, but there's at least one area that we can choose to simplify, and that is cooking for ourselves and our families.

Healthy Choice realizes we're juggling a crazy amount of stuff right now, and these are just some of the ways they can help us this holiday season:

*This is the best time of year to enjoy hot soups, but if we're being realistic, this may not be the best time to spend boat loads of time starting from scratch. Healthy Choice has a variety of hearty soups that are as good as homemade, like Traditional Lentil and Tomato Basil. This is a great idea for yourself, your family, or your guests. Shoot, you could even put a few containers of it in the crock pot, and when your dinner guests arrive, they'll never know you made it in the microwave 10 minutes before they got there.

*We're all struggling to fight the temptations of all the holiday treats, and our trips to the gym have probably dwindled, but having some options from Healthy Choice on hand will help you stay on track. They have the Weight Watchers Points value for their foods right on the package. One idea Healthy Choice has is to enjoy a yummy Cafe Steamer or a Healthy Choice soup with a salad for lunch or dinner. And did you know that Healthy Choice is the only brand FDA approved to call their products healthy?

*Eliminate the stress of wondering what to feed those pesky unexpected guests by keeping some quick appetizers on hand like Healthy Choice All Natural Entrées Asian Potstickers or Pumpkin Squash Ravioli.

We've all got our own stresses about food when it comes to the holidays, but there are several ways Healthy Choice can help us eliminate stress related to preparing foods, and making sure our families and our guests have full bellies.

Now...here's the fun part!

Healthy Choice has offered to treat one lucky reader to some coupons for FREE Healthy Choice frozen foods, and here is how you can win:

1. Leave a comment telling me one way Healthy Choice can help YOU this holiday season.
2. Earn an extra entry by visiting the Healthy Choice website (www.healthychoice.com) , and tell me which frozen food item you want to try most! (you'll also find coupons on the website!)

Giveaway ends December 18! Be sure to leave your email address in each comment so I can contact you if you win.

During my recent trip to Las Vegas for SITScation I had the opportunity to attend a luncheon sponsored by Healthy Choice, and I was so impressed. That particular luncheon was one of the reasons I decided to become VERY picky about which companies I would agree to partner with on my blog because this is a company that really care about moms and families, and aside from providing frozen foods that taste like they came from a restaurant rather than your freezer, they do some amazing charity projects to fight hunger. I'm so excited to work with them, and I can't wait to share more about them with you in the future!

Thanks to Healthy Choice for providing coupons for free Healthy Choice foods for myself and one of my readers.

***This post is also a part of a Holiday How To blog carnival going on over at my dear friend Summer's blog - Le Musings of Moi. She's teamed up with a few other bloggers, too. So, head on over and get tips on everything from how to stay fit during the holidays to how to feel guilty about everything (you read that right).***

Holiday How-To #2: Mr. Potato Head like you've never seen him before... Edited with new info!

2009-12-10T19:05:00.011-07:00

***EDITED INFO...

Ok, so after posting this, I went to Wal-Mart - totally excited to score 2 Mr. Potato Heads for a buck, and the crankypants old lady at the checkout informs me they do NOT price match for Dollar General. Stupid radio ad says, "We will match any competitor's price." So, sorry if any of you tried this at Wal-Mart and it didn't work. But, if you've got a Dollar General - then hop to because the deal will still work there!

So, ever since Summer from Le Musings of Moi announced her Holiday How-To blogging carnival that's going on through the whole month of December, I've got ideas for holiday how-to posts just coming out my ears!

Coming up in the next few days you'll find these holiday how-to's on my blog...

*How to make a fun, inexpensive gift for your child or a child you know
*How to prioritize your week so you don't get overwhelmed with all the holiday hullabaloo
*How to let Healthy Choice take away some holiday stress (this one includes Healthy Choice coupons for one lucky reader)
*How to make some of my favorite holiday foods.
*How to put your Christmas ornaments up without putting up a tree to hang them on because your child will climb to the top of it, get tangled in the lights because they look like a "pitty neckick" (translation - "pretty necklace"), or choke herself with garland.

Today's idea is all about how you can get your child (or a child you know) a Mr. or Mrs. Potato Head doll for just 50 cents, and at the same time, you can get another Mr. or Mrs. Potato Head to donate to a child this Christmas.

This really takes care of two things for us this holiday season:

1. You're getting a fun, brand-new, not annoying or loud toy for your kiddo, or for some little munchkin on your Christmas list for a whopping 50 pennies. I don't even know if Goodwill would sell you Mr. Potato Head for that cheap. Even if they do sell them for 50 cents, this way you're guaranteed to get one that won't have snot from someone else's kid on it.

2. It allows you to give this holiday season without breaking your bank. So many of us are not in a place where we can just bust out the checkbook and give to charity right now, but what a great opportunity this would be to help out a little cutie pie in your town this Christmas.

I think most communities have toy drives going on this time of year, and they usually want new, unwrapped toys. If you're unaware of any, contact your local Salvation Army, shelters, children's hospitals, or your local Child Protective Services office - they're always in need of toys this time of year.

Ok, so how do you make this magic happen? It's easy.

First of all, go to www.coupons.com and print out 2 of the $2 off Mr. or Mrs. Potato Head coupons. The site allows you to print just two.

Next, head on over to your local Dollar General store where these toys are currently on sale for $2.50. So...$2.50 minus a $2.00 coupon = 50 cents.

Now, if your Dollar General store is out of them (like mine was), go to www.dollargeneral.com and print out the ad (or, pick up one of the actual ads if you're in the store) - the Mr. Potato head sale price is on page 7. Take the ad to Wal-Mart, where they match any competitor's prices from a print ad.

Now grab 4 quarters and a few pennies for tax and go get you some Mr. Potato Heads! I would also recommend getting yourself a chocolate bar while you wait in line. You deserve a tasty reward, you frugal woman, you!

Back to the real world tomorrow

2009-12-10T14:06:00.006-07:00

I'm at the tail end of six days off in a row from work. Normally, that would be a really bad thing, but I managed to pick up several extra shifts the second have of December, so it was actually just fine.

Usually, when I have that many days off in a row, I cram each day full of things to get done, places to be, and before the time off even starts, I can see a panic attack at the end of the hallway.

But, this stretch of days was finally different. Finally. Lowering my expectations of myself has been so freeing.

I have by no means mastered balance, and I know I never will, but I'm learning how to let go of some things, and I'm figuring out how I can add more enjoyable things into my life every day.

Like I mentioned a few days ago, by breaking up all my stuff to do into just a couple things per day, I was able to get stuff done that needed to get done, but I was able to relax, enjoy my baby and the rest of my family, and not feel like I constantly had to be doing something.

Kaylee and I played outside. I read books - books that were written for grown-ups! We knocked down towers of blocks over and over. and over. and over. and over. We colored. I did some Gilad workout videos. I got caught up with some friends. The house didn't blow up. The dishes didn't pile up to the ceiling, and miraculously, we all have clean clothes to wear and we have eaten food every single day. Crazy. I know.

So, while I get ready to have a whirlwind of days at work from now to the end of the month, I can actually look back on this past week and be proud of the fact that I was able to fill it with fun memories instead of unrealistic expectations and high levels of stress.

Now...time to dig out those work clothes and bring home some BACON!

Holiday How- To #1: Take the stress out of cooking and ENJOY your Christmas {$25 American Express gift card giveaway}

2009-12-08T14:05:00.010-07:00

I'm all about keeping things simple and eliminating stress. And, I'm a big believer in the fact that you don't need to spend a lot of money to eat good food and keep your family (and dinner guests, should you have any) happy.

Hellman's (as in Hellman's Mayonnaise) has partnered up with this guy...

...chef Bobby Flay in order to bring you a website that is sure to make your holiday easier.

When you visit the Hellman's Real Holiday Helpings site you'll find easy recipe ideas for everything from turkey, leftovers, main dishes, appetizers & dips, sides, and my favorite - DESSERTS.

So, no need to stress about your holiday menu. Seriously - this site has all the bases covered. And the recipes are made with ingredients that normal people actually EAT, so you don't have to worry about tracking down some obscure spice or something you've never heard of.

While you're there, you can download a coupon for Hellman's mayo (because the recipes on the site are made with Hellman's - duh). You'll also be able to enter to win free groceries for a year, and you can waste away your day playing a matching game while you try to win a $50 grocery gift card.

Now, we all know I've scaled back on the giveaways in order to make sure I'm only giving away stuff that I get really excited about, and that I think you'll love, too. I am so excited about this because - hello?! - who doesn't need some extra cash flow right now?

Not only did Hellman's send me a $25 American Express Gift card as part of the Hellman's Real Holiday Helpings program, but they're giving one away to one of YOU, too!

Woo hoo! So...you can use it for turkey, stuffing, cranberries, cookie mix, frosting, chocolate, or for whatever your little heart desires.

You all know that we've been doing our best to cut back on things and save money in as many ways as we can think of, and I am sure most of you are doing the same thing.

So, I'm super excited that one of you will be getting $25 this holiday season. Can I get a "What, WHAT?!?!?"

How can you win?

Leave a comment (please include your email address so I can get your info if you win) telling me what your favorite holiday food is. Good luck!

Contest runs until Sunday, December 13th so you can get your moolah in time for Christmas.

A BIG thank-you to MomSelect and Hellman's for sponsoring this awesome giveaway.

***This post is also a part of a Holiday How To blog carnival going on over at my dear friend Summer's blog - Le Musings of Moi. She's teamed up with a few other bloggers, too. So, head on over and get tips on everything from how to stay fit during the holidays to how to feel guilty about everything (you read that right).***

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...

2009-12-07T13:54:00.002-07:00

And I wish the fire inside was delightful, but we don't have a fireplace, so I'll settle for the heat brought to us by our lovely and oh-so-attractive propane tank. Ahhh...Sweet Lady Propane (that's for all you King of the Hill fans...)

Today is one of those ideal days that I usually only dream about.

Dennis decided to take a personal day to spend with Kaylee and I - what a guy, right?

It has been SO lovely.

We had planned on going into town so Kaylee and I could go to our exercise class, but then we realized we were in the middle of a winter storm warning that lasts until noon tomorrow. So, it took us about - oh, 5 seconds to decide we'd park our little booties at home for the day.

I looked outside and the ground was wet from rain, and the skies were nothing but gray.

I sat and hoped for lots of snow.

And then it came.

We've been sitting at home, relaxing, watching these big huge FAT snowflakes fall outside our window, and I couldn't think of a better way to spend a day with my family.

No plans. No agendas. Just being together. Being warm and cozy in our little house while the snow falls outside. (Kaylee keeps looking outside at the snow falling and yelling, "Noisy! Noisy!" Not quite sure what that's all about...)

It's days like this when simplicity reigns. I feel at peace. I feel content, and I am oh-so-thankful for all that we've been given.

Now, time to bust out some Frank Sinatra and Beyonce Christmas tunes while I dig out the Christmas decorations and toss back a mug of chai. Mmmmm...

The redundant whiner

2009-12-06T19:25:00.003-07:00

Several times today I formulated a witty and humorous blog post in my head.

The particular post was going to discuss the irony of writing a post in which I whined about the excessive amount of whining that my child did today.

But, I thought it would be redundant and hypocritical, so I decided to spare you the details.

You're welcome.

Improving myself, one fudge covered Ritz cracker at a time...

2009-12-01T19:22:00.008-07:00

So, I'm on Day 2 of this new concept of lowering my expectations of myself and making realistic, achievable, non-crazy-lady goals for each day. Yesterday I planned out my whole week, and all the tasks that need to be done have their designated day.

I've gotta say that I'm likin' what's going on.

For the past two days, everything on my list has been done before lunch. And, even though Kaylee doesn't always nap, I still put her in her crib for 2 hours to rest - and to give myself a break. And I no longer feel bad about that.

So, I find myself scratching my head wondering what to do. Today I watched some TV, and I did a little extra picking up around the house.

Part of my mind instantly goes to the place where I feel that - hmmm...since I can accomplish these small tasks, I better add more to the list. I can do more. I can get more done. I can be more productive.

But the key is learning to be content with doing what's on my list, and to avoid putting further pressure on myself to go over and above that. Everything that needs to be done will get done at some point this week because every menial little thing has an assigned day. But it's so hard to get it through my head that I don't have to be constantly plowing through the to-do list all the live long day. It's such a weird concept.

To not be constantly busy and doing something is really, ridiculously difficult for me.

But, I'm enjoying the quiet and the stillness.

I'm enjoying the fact that I no longer feel like my anxiety-ridden heart is going to pound right out of my chest due to feeling utterly overwhelmed.

I'm enjoying the fact that I can count things like watching my favorite shows as a way of taking care of myself.

And, to change the subject, I would also like to share with you that I ate nearly an entire box of fudge covered Ritz crackers - today. Just today. They were that good.

And that's all for tonight.

Let's bust out the dayplanner and schedule time to watch Grey's Anatomy, shall we?

2009-11-30T13:08:00.005-07:00

One of the things I did while I was on my recent blogging hiatus was to start talking to a counselor.

Last week we talked about what it is that triggers my anxiety and depression, and what I can do for myself to try and prevent things from getting overwhelming, and from getting to the point where I feel like I am just going to friggin' snap.

I'm going to tell you a bit about what I learned because I having a sinking suspicion that as women and/or mothers, we all struggle with this - at least to some degree.

Here's what I learned:

I put WAY too much pressure on myself. For everything. I seem to have this all or nothing attitude, and it's high time for me to knock that crap off.

I continue to struggle with mommy guilt. If I spend too much time getting stuff done, I feel guilty for not playing more with Kaylee. If I spend all my time playing with Kaylee, I feel guilty for not doing more around the house.

Guilt, guilt, guilt. It's gotta go. It's not going to be easy, as it seems to be a theme that is ingrained in my head, but I'm working on it...

My counselor had me list all the things that pile up and and stress me out, and then he drew a picture of a person with this big boulder on their shoulders, and he sectioned off the boulder into all the different roles and responsibilities I have.

Work. Housework. Meal planning. Budgeting. Chasing a toddler around all day. Paying bills. Scheduling our family. Being a wife. Being a mom. Having a social life. And on and on. I'm sure the list is very similar to what many of you would put on your lists.

After he was done drawing, he looked at me and said, "Well? Anything else? That's a lot of stuff right there. That's a lot of pressure."

I couldn't think of anything else, and he said, "Uh, what about self-care?"

Ahhhh, yes. That funny little thing called self-care. That concept I'd slowly grown to eliminate from my mind.

The board was filled up with all his little scribbles describing all my stresses and worries. And as soon as he put self-care up there, he erased everything else.

He said, "How about you just focus on one thing at a time?"

So, I'm slowly but surely working on eliminating this kind of thinking...

"But...I've got 5 loads of laundry and a sink full of dishes. I've got to get to the store because we've been out of milk for 3 days. But...I can't go to the store. I've gotta balance the checkbook and pay the bills. What? Is that a poopy diaper I smell? Ughhhh....Why can't I just get it together and do what needs to be done around here!?!?"

One thing that's been great for me about talking to a counselor is getting to the root of things. After just short while, he pointed out to me that I have an awful lot of "have to's and should's" in my vocabulary, and he said that I need to lower my expectations of myself.

WHAT? Are we both speaking English here? How can I lower my expectations when I can't even get done what needs to be done???? You are a crazy, crazy man!

But, he's right. He reminded me I need to be realistic.

Sure, there's a lot that needs to be done. But, is it really necessary to balance the checkbook 2 times a week? Do I really have to do 4 loads of laundry in one day? What's going to happen if I don't?

Nothing. Nothing is going to happen. The world will go on.

So, the game plan is that I schedule my week, and that I consciously make the choice to have time for ME.

As far as the scheduling things goes, rather than have a huge, looming list of things to be done hanging over my overwhelmed and frazzled little mind, I'm breaking it down.

I'll set a couple goals for the day. Today? Today I accomplished everything on my to-do list by 1 p.m.

Kaylee and I went to exercise class.
I called 2 places to make payments for Kaylee's mountain of medical bills.
I did a load of laundry.
I paid one bill online.
I spent time blogging.

My aim is to have one outing a day with Kaylee, whether it's to the store or to park - just something to get us both out of this house.

Next, I will choose one or two things to accomplish around here, but they will be small, realistic, reachable goals. No more page long lists of things to do in one day, only to reach the end of my day and feel that I accomplished nothing.

As far as the self-care aspect goes, I had to make an effort to schedule that as well. Dennis has karate Monday nights, so my parents agreed to watch Kaylee after work that day so I can have a night just for myself. I can go to the gym, go out with a friend, sit around in my pj's and watch TV all night - whatever I want - it's my night. And, I've designated the hour between 9 and 10 every night for reading, and then hitting the hay no later than 10 so that I get enough rest.

Now? Now I will go watch Grey's Anatomy because I haven't done anything JUST FOR ME today, and that whole self-care concept? Leaving it out of my day is just not an option any more, and I am not going to feel guilty anymore for taking care of myself.

A little time away.

2009-11-25T10:17:00.003-07:00

It's been about a week and a half since my last post, and since then, there have been lots of things I've wanted to write about, but just didn't.

Anxiety. Self-care. Changing habits and changing perspectives. Realizations.

I've had a lot of things to think about and to straighten out, and in order to accomplish that, I needed some time away. Time to really focus on stuff without distractions. I've also been offered some extra shifts at work these past two weeks, which has made life a bit crazier, but it's also lifted a good deal of financial stress for the time being.

I have so missed writing, and I've missed reading blogs and keeping up with what is going on with all of you out there.

But, it was a much-needed hiatus.

Now, of course, we're coming upon Thanksgiving (I'm drooling just thinking about all the deliciousness that awaits me tomorrow as we'll be having two Thanksgiving feasts, neither of which I will have to cook!) I'm excited to relax, eat, and be with my family - especially my brother, who just got home from college last night.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I'll be back to regular posts soon.

Tweetin' for a good cause

2009-11-16T18:19:00.006-07:00

Those of us involved in the world of Twitter love it because we can talk about silly little things like how we spent 2 hours watching Grey's Anatomy episodes and ate massive amounts of chocolate instead of doing the laundry or balancing the checkbook. And people care. They actually have conversations with you about things like that.

It's a fun and easy way to connect with people. We all know about the other fun things Twitter has to offer, like the fact that you can follow celebrities or the fact that you can find out about fun giveaways or online coupon codes. It's more than just a site that allows you to announce to the world that you are about to eat a peanut butter sandwich or that you've got some mad indigestion after the chimichanga you snarfed down at lunchtime.

One thing I LOVE about Twitter is that it's such a social media phenomenon right now that people are realizing we can use it for good. We can spread the word about important causes, and we can make a difference.

Today I found out about one of these great causes, and I hope you'll join me in supporting it, because all you have to do is tweet.

Simple. No money. No time (ok, 5 seconds of your time). Just a simple tweet.

Here's the deal.

There's a little kiddo named Jacob (he's 4) who was born with a life-threatening disease called Atresia, and the Make-a-Wish Foundation and LeapFish have teamed up to grant Jacob's wish of going to Disneyland with his family. The cool part is, they're using Twitter to raise the money.

LeapFish is donating 5 cents - until they reach $10,000 - every time someone tweets this:

Just tweeted 2 grant a childs wish, #leapfish donates to #makeawish foundation for each tweet RT pls http://bit.ly/3KgyQX Please retweet!

How stinking cool is that?!

It's so easy, and it will add up quickly. Head on over to Twitter and send this quick tweet so we can help get this cutie pie to Disneyland okay? Okay. Just copy and paste the tweet in bold above, tweet, and you're good to go.

And click this: tweet-a-cause to see a picture of this little dude. Oh, my goodness - he is absolutely adorable.

In a time where we can't all just whip out the checkbook to donate money, all we've got to do to help this little guy is to send a tweet, and LeapFish provides the moolah. Who says you can't help charities when you're broke?

---

About LeapFish
LeapFish is an evolved search engine that captures the traditional, multi-media and real-time Web, through a single, connected search platform for both searching and sharing content. Founded by Ben Behrouzi (co-founder of Reply.com), LeapFish is a privately held, 100-person corporation headquartered out of CARR America Corporate Center in Pleasanton, California. For more information, visit blog.leapfish.com.

About Make-A-Wish
The Make-A-Wish Foundation grants magical wishes for children with life-threatening medical conditions to enrich their lives with hope, strength and joy. For more information, visit www.makeawish.org

The impermeable wall has busted and crumbled.

2009-11-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

By impermeable wall, I mean - my immune system. My rock solid, only-gets-a-cold-once-a-year immune system has somehow been compromised, and I'm rather irritated about the situation.

Dennis usually gets sick a few times a year. Especially right about now, being that he works in the germ infested land known as an elementary school. Shoot, I work in a hospital for crying outloud - you'd think I'd get sick, but I rarely ever do.

I was such a good little lady...getting in line for my seasonal flu and H1N1 vaccinations, yadda yadda yadda and then KABAM.

Frickin' fever of 102 hits me like a Mack truck Wednesday. Then the body aches and sore throat.

Fever's been gone since Wednesday afternoon, but the sore throat persists. Dang swab for strep throat came back negative, so it looks like I'm just gonna have to wait this one out, just like all the other people who get sick every year.

Along with my fabulous sore throat, I've had killer headaches on and off, which makes the whole concept of writing coherent blog posts a rather undesirable activity.

So, whatever. Hopefully it will go away soon. Pshhhhh - stupid frickin' sickness.

And is it just me, or does anyone else think of that hilarious SNL skit with Will Ferrell and Christopher Walkin whenever you hear the word "fever"? You know...Christopher Walkin... "I've got a feva, and the only prescription...is more cowbell!"

Wordful Wednesday - Dragon Smiles

2009-11-11T19:30:00.011-07:00

Even though you can't see her whole dragon ensemble in this picture, it's hands-down my favorite picture from Halloween. You don't see the floppy hands and feet or the shiny iridescent wings or - my favorite - the way the tail wiggled back and forth when she walked.

But this is the smile.

The smile that makes my bad days seem not so bad. The smile she busts out right after doing something bad. The smile that makes me less mad when she does something she knows she shouldn't. The smile that precedes belly laughs (from her and us).

The smile that says, "This is me. This is who I am. I'm a kid filled with joy and spunk and utter delight."

I love you, my little Kaylee Bug.

Ugly Mommy Moments

2009-11-09T18:39:00.002-07:00

We all have them, don't we?

Today I let myself stay in a funk. I shouldn't have. But, I did.

I was halfway to work and I got a call from my boss stating there were hardly any patients at the hospital, so I didn't need to come in. Second time this pay period. OUCH.

I came home. I cleaned for an hour and a half straight. Hey, being mad has it's advantages, and for me - it often means something gets cleaned.

We'd already paid the babysitter for the 2 days she is scheduled to have Kaylee this week, so I figured I'd just get some stuff done. I spent the day cleaning, working on bills, working and re-working the budget, trying to make the numbers look prettier than they are, and found some stuff to sell and put it on Craigslist.

I packed up some clothes Kaylee's outgrown, as well as some other baby paraphernalia, and I had grand plans to haul it off to the resale store and take what they didn't want to Goodwill. Then...I was going to go to the library (because I cruised through A Girl Named Zippy in less than a week and read The Time Traveler's Wife in 2 days) and get some new books.

But...I realized I left my wallet in the diaper bag. The diaper bag that was with Kaylee. At the babysitter's. And I decided it would be best if I didn't drive without my license.

And I let the funk creep into my day. I hate it when I do that, but by the time Dennis got home, I was on the verge of tears, until I finally let some fall and I just told Dennis how stressed I was.

I feel crappy that I keep getting called off work. I hate that money is so tight. I hate having to worry.

So, I cried and vented for a short while, and then I went to the library, where I picked out 4 new books.

I hurried back home so Dennis could leave in time for karate, and then I listened to Kaylee have a toddler breakdown when he left. Which she tends to do. Pretty much every time he leaves.

Really - I swear I'm fun to be around, but she's such a Daddy's girl, and I've come to accept that. Sometimes she'd rather cry that he's gone than just calm down and have fun with me.

So, I'm still feeling a bit funky and between her screams, tears, and pleas for Dada and EWMO- PEAAAAS?!?! I had zero patience.

I was so frustrated with her. I was upset that she couldn't just get over the fact that Dennis was gone. He would be back, but I hadn't seen her all day. Come on, child! Have some fun with your mother already, would you?!

She wouldn't eat her dinner. She was mad when Elmo (yes, I finally caved and put on Elmo) wasn't on the screen. She was all done, all done, all done, all done with her dinner, but she'd hardly touched it.

So, I let her be. I let her sit in her chair, and I didn't watch her. She ate a few bites. I layed down on the couch and I said a quick prayer. Just asking for a little help. Apologizing for being such a cranky, whiny mommy to my adorable little girl who still can't quite communicate so I understand what she wants and needs all the time. For taking out my frustrations on her by not being patient.

And I asked for help tomorrow. Because tomorrow is fresh and new, and it's a clean slate. Ugly Mommy may have reared her head today, but it doesn't mean she has to tomorrow.

Let's just go ahead and start things off with some cake down the dress.

2009-11-05T05:00:00.000-07:00

Hands down, the funniest thing that happened at our wedding was during the cake cutting at the reception. Dennis and I talked beforehand about how it would go, and we didn't have plans for anything to get too crazy. Maybe a little bit of smeared frosting, but nothing crazy. Nothing crazy was the plan.

And then, the cake Dennis was about to give me took a nosedive straight down the front of my dress. We won't share the comment my dad made. You can just use your imagination. :)

*This post is a part of Writer's Workshop at Mama's Losin' It.

Wordful Wednesday - Gettin' crazy with menu plans - yeah, baby!

2009-11-03T15:13:00.011-07:00

I already told you about how we're having to pinch our pennies like crazy this month, and that our grocery budget is a measly $150.

How can a family of three possibly manage on that?

Well, it helps that our child refuses to eat pretty much anything besides goldfish crackers, graham crackers, yogurt, eggs and milk, but that's beside the point. And, eliminating non-essentials like sodas, cookies, etc., helps as well (but, since we stopped buying soda can I just tell you how bad I want a Diet Coke???)

Over a year ago, I started getting into coupons. Yes, I became *that* crazy coupon lady.

I joined a website called Coupon Sense that helps you organize coupons and matches up grocery store sales with coupons to maximize your savings, often resulting in free groceries.

They also teach you the strategy of stocking up on certain items when they're on sale, such as canned goods and anything that can be frozen.

So, I try to keep stockpiles of things like boneless, skinless chicken breast and 93% lean hamburger in my freezer. I also stock up on cereal when it's on sale (like the time I got 15 boxes of name brand cereal for $13.84), as well as things like diapers, baby wipes and personal care items. CVS is one of my favorite places to get those types of things for free.

Anyway, at the end of October when I tirelessly crunched the numbers to attempt to get our budget balanced, I realized our grocery budget needed to be cut - waaaay down. I hadn't been too gung ho with the coupon usage (I tend to go in spurts with it), and I realized I needed to hunker down and get back on the bandwagon.

I started with a menu plan, and I was able to come up with an entire month's worth of meals based on just the ingredients we had in our house (of course, things requiring dairy and other perishables would need the occasional ingredient here or there).

Sure, we don't have much of anything extravagant - you'll see things like bean and cheese burritos, blueberry pancakes, sloppy joes, Hamburger Helper, and spaghetti, but really - those are the kinds of things we like.

When it comes to side dishes, I've got things like Betty Crocker boxed potatoes and frozen veggies that I got for free or nearly free with coupons.

So, looking at that calendar and seeing what I was able to do for our family as a result of using coupons, stockpiling, and planning ahead made me feel really good.

We've got roughly $37.50/week to spend on groceries, and for the rest of this month, I'll be telling you how that goes. So far this week, I've gotten 3 gallons of milk, a carton of eggs and some Egg Beaters.

I love a good challenge, and I'm confident we can do this. When times get tough, we just need to get creative.

Your turn: What are your favorite meals that are cheap to make? Do you do menu plans? How do you save money on food?

*This post is a part of Wordful Wednesday, hosted each week by Angie at 7 Clown Circus.

Because it's a curl up with good book and a hot cup of chai kind of day...

2009-11-03T12:40:00.004-07:00

The only thing that could make this day more cozy would be huge snowflakes outside my window and some fuzzy slippers.

But, for some odd reason, our weather has decided to take a break from the frigid temperatures and grace us with some warm sunshine.

So, no fuzzy slippers for me, but I do plan on a cup of chai (along with a good book) as soon as I'm done writing.

I am just about finished reading Your Oasis on Flame Lake, by Lorna Landvick, and I have loved it from the very beginning. The first book I read of hers was Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons, and from then on, she's been a favorite author of mine.

I hate to be without a book to read, so I figured we better high tail it to the library so I'd have a book waiting for me when I finish this one.

Kaylee and I made a trip to the library this morning and picked out some new books, but as soon as she started going ballistic, we bee lined it to the car and came back home.

I really, really wanted to read Hunger Games because Tiffany has put it right up there next to the Twilight series classifying it as official "crackliture." I've heard raving reviews about here and there on different blogs, and so I'm dying to get my hands on it. But, the library didn't have a copy available, and I'm an instant gratification kind of girl, so I moved on to my second choice.

I chose this little gem - A Girl Named Zippy - which I am fulling expecting to be fabulous because Jenners, author of the blog Life With a Little One and More (one of my very first blogging buddies) recommended it on her book blog, Find Your Next Book Here. The book is a memoir of a girl who grew up in a small town (I, too, happen to be a small town girl), and it's supposed to be just delightful.

Which is something I need more of in my life - delightfulness.

Kaylee and I got home, and I proceeded to put in her newest video - some variation of Play With Me Sesame that she picked out at the library. I did my best to provide her with cheese, milk, crayons, and lovable, furry old Grover while I sat there on the couch and read more of my book.

Eventually, the movie ended, so we moved into her room for a change of scenery. The sun hits her room about midday, so I opened the blinds and curled up there on the floor in a patch of sunlight just like my old cat, Molly, would have done.

Kaylee played and I read, basked in the sunlight and relaxed. And of course, we played here and there.

Sure, there were other ways we could have spent the time. We could have gone to the store, done the laundry, or cleaned the house.

But, we didn't.

Because it's a curl up with a good book and a hot cup of chai kind of day.

Learning to get by with less

2009-11-01T20:42:00.004-07:00

With the crazy influx of medical bills that are steadily streaming in, it was high time to sit down and come up with a rather strict budget for November.

I sat down, listed all our expenses, figured out our estimated income and came close to a few tears when I saw that we weren't going to break even, and that was before we paid anyone for all of Kaylee's medical expenses.

I'm a firm believer that if you're smart with your money, you can make things work, and no matter how life gets, it seems like we'll never go without the essentials.

Right now, things are about as tight as they've ever been, and figuring out how to make things balance was nothing short of a monumental task, but I think we've managed to do it.

It started with a few cuts.

The home phone had to go.

Our monthly pest control had to go (and I'm just crossing my fingers that the cold weather keeps the nasty bugs out in the meantime!).

We downgraded to the lowest DirecTV package. And with it went CMT, GAC, TLC and Discovery Health...waaahhh!

The membership to the gym had to go.

The grocery budget is also a slim $150, but we already have enough food for dinner for the entire month (more on that Wednesday).

The allowance for eating out and "fun" stuff is at a big fat zero.

And, we're in the process of working with www.naca.com to try and negotiate a lower monthly rate on our mortgage.

We're down to just the essentials, folks, but we're going to break even, and if Craigslist is good to us and the lovely locals want to buy some of our unused crap, we might even be able to put some money in savings or pay extra toward the medical bills.

Times are tough for ALL of us. What have you had to cut back on, and what are you doing to save money?

Wordful Wednesday - Ghosts from Halloween Past

2009-10-27T19:37:00.008-07:00

If I said that we are the type of people that go all out for Halloween and really prepare ahead of time, I'd totally be lying to you.

So, let me tell you how it goes every year.

Each October, on either the 30th or the 31st, Dennis and I look at each other and say, "Uh. Well. Um, so what should we dress up as this year?"

Our first year of marriage we lived in married student housing at our university, and we were so excited to hand out candy to all the cute little kids. Unfortunately, when you go to the store to get a costume on the afternoon of October 31st, there's pretty much squat left to choose from.

I ended up with a black witch hat that had purple hair attached to it.

Dennis got a crazy Frankenstein mask, and I think we stuffed socks under the shoulders of his jacket to make him look even more...monster-ish?

Last year we pulled our costumes together literally a couple hours before we had to be somewhere for Halloween. I ended up going to my parents' house to snag my brother's baseball gear and I dressed up as a baseball player.

Dennis somehow ended up with a rather nasty looking beard, put a stuffed squirrel in it (not an actual stuffed squirrel - see picture below for what I'm talking about), wore a checkered shirt, and actually ended up being quite a believable lumberjack.

But, last year I did plan ahead for Kaylee. She was just 6 months old, so we didn't get too crazy, but boy, oh, boy was she ever the cutest little ladybug you ever did see.

And this year, her costume is even cuter. Just you wait and see.

Head on over to 7 Clown Circus to check out more fun Wordful Wednesday posts AND enter to win a SWEET Flip video camera while you're there.

Little moments of dizzy joy.

2009-10-27T06:27:00.006-07:00

Last night was a rough night - just stressful and overwhelming and emotional.

Put quite simply, my little dumpling was about to push me over the edge, and I was at my wit's end.

She's been on this crazy napping strike, so I've just been letting her stay in her crib during nap time, even if she's not asleep. She doesn't cry. She just talks. And talks. And talks. (And I have absolutely no idea where she gets that trait...)

Even though she's in there and I'm able to actually get some things done around the house on my own, it still drives me crazy. I'm going in to see if she's awake because there's a monster dump in her diaper or what (because she has a convenient way of crapping either as soon as I lay her down for her nap, or right after she's fallen asleep), or I'm going in there to give her The Look and do my best, "KaaaayLEE? LAY. down. NOW. It's NAP time!" in my low, scary mom voice.

It just drives me nuts. This kid didn't nap for her first year of life, and now, after 6 months of awesome naps every day, she's deciding that naps are maybe, just maybe, something that she's is above at this point in her little life.

Well, apparently spending an entire afternoon confined within the 4 walls of the crib charged her up like the freakin' Energizer Bunny. She was an absolute nut case once we finally let her out, and it made our night so memorable.

As I was trying to feed Kaylee her dinner and she was just messing around and irritating me, Dennis told me he'd stay home from karate because it looked like I needed a break. Praise the Lord, I may not lose my mind after all was my first thought...

So, I step into another room to get my composure back, and before long, Kaylee's out of her highchair and creating little whirlwinds all throughout our house.

She starts making this noise she does when she gets really excited about something. To me, it sounds like she's about to hyperventilate, but she gets the crazy baby eyes and this huge trouble-making grin, and then she proceeds to start spinning around in circles and laughing her head off. Then she takes off to try and walk straight and looks nothing short of a 2 1/2 foot tall drunk.

She had to be doing this for a good 15 minutes. And every time she fell down, she'd laugh at herself and get back up to do it again.

The kid drove me absolutely nuts yesterday.

Then, on that same day, all I could do was sit back, laugh my butt off at her, and realize that - without a doubt - one of the reasons she was brought into my life was to remind me not to take life to seriously...to just let go of the stress and the tension - to realize that what really matters is forgetting about all the other junk taking up space in my head and causing me stress - what matters is enjoying little moments like that and just laughing.

So, that's exactly what I did last night. And I enjoyed every minute.

Ahhhhh, finally. The fresh start I've been waiting for.

2009-10-26T13:48:00.012-07:00

I'm sitting here right now with a big old sense of relief.

I just hit the publish button on my last review that I committed to do, and I feel like I've finally got the freedom to get back to the basics on my blog - to write for the reasons I began writing, and to not be bogged down by other obligations.

Recently I wrote about how I want to head in a new direction on the blog - stepping away from doing so many product reviews and giveaways (yet not being closed off to them completely), and actually sitting down to figure out exactly why it is that I have a blog in the first place.

I felt the need to establish a clear direction and clear set of goals for myself so that, in the future, I won't get distracted by all the other stuff that's out there that I don't necessarily need to be a part of.

Doing this final review on my to-do list was a huge wake up call to me. I agreed to do a book review, and it didn't take me long to decide that I was so not into this particular book. But, I was committed, so I invested my time in finishing it so that I kept my word. I love reading - it's one of my favorite things to do in the whole wide world, so to be spending time reading a book I did not love made me wake up and smell the coffee.

I realized there is no sense in doing something I don't want to do. My time is more valuable than that. So, I will only be writing about things that mean something to me and that do not cause me any more stress than I already have.

So, here's what I've come up with. I hope you'll stay along for the ride.

*Stick to the basics. The name Laughing Through the Chaos says it all. That's what I strive to do - to be able to laugh at myself and to be able to laugh through the tough stuff. And I hope I can help you do the same.

*Keeping it well-rounded. I may be a mommy blogger, but I don't always want to talk about all things mommy. There's plenty of other things that make me who I am, so I'll be talking about other stuff, too.

*Provide more information and resources relating to postpartum depression/postpartum mood disorders. I've become very passionate about this in the last year and a half, and I want this blog to be a place you can come for resources, support, and information.

*I want to use my blog to make a difference when it comes to certain social causes. I've been honored to use my blog as a way to get the word out in the past about an amazing non-profit group called The Fresh Air Fund (a group that provides inner-city kids with the opportunity to experience things they may never have the chance to do otherwise, such as fishing, chasing butterflies, or camping in the woods), and I hope to bring awareness about other organizations that mean something to me as well.

*I'm cutting way back on product reviews and giveaways, but - at the same time - I am not going to close my blog off to them completely. I am aiming to make product reviews few and far between, and they will only make it on to the blog if I'm absolutely crazy about them, and if I think they will benefit you in some way as well.

*On a related note, I am hoping that by cutting back on reviews and giveaways, it will allow me more time to create a sense of community among my readers. That could mean more interactive discussions in the comment section, actually having time to respond to some of your comments on an individual basis, and being able to visit some of your blogs. I continue to be amazed by the sense of community there is when a few of us all say that we've gone through the same thing.

So, that's where I'm headed. Those are my goals, and I think it's good to step back and re-evaluate them from time to time.

Thanks to all of you for actually caring about what I have to say and for sharing your own experiences along the way as well. You rock my face off. :)

The lowdown on my Vegas vacation

2009-10-23T13:45:00.015-07:00

Time for a recap of my recent trip to VEGAS, baby!

It was a girls weekend filled with decadent food, nights on the town, relaxation and friends.

I arrived at the Venetian and was absolutely floored by how fancy it was. Paintings on the ceilings, glitz and glamor everywhere, little Italian men walking around the indoor fountains playing the accordian - it was unbelievable. And then I got to the room, which looked like THIS:

Cushy, heavenly blankets and pillows...

... a living room to hang with the girls...

... and one incredible bathroom...

Yes. That is a TV in the bathroom. Facing the tub. And yes, I watched TV in the tub while I ate a Krispy Kreme donut. At 1 in the morning.

My roommates, Rachel and Summer, arrived shortly after I did, and we wasted no time in getting ready for our night out.

Here's Rachel and I getting all glamorous.

We clean up rather nicely, wouldn't ya say?

So, after we got all beautimous, it was off to the SITS dance party, in our own private ballroom. But first, we all got to walk the red carpet (seriously - they had a freakin' red carpet!) and stop for a pose.

Here's a bunch of us hotties getting down with our bad selves at the party.

(Rachel, Kathy, me, Jen, and Summer)

After the SITS party it was on to Club Tao, which was THE "it" place to be since Kim Kardashian was there for her birthday. We saw her throw a fit before the party (surrounded by her massive bodyguards), and some shrimpy guy was standing in front of her videotaping the whole thing. She's so tiny! And gorgeous, of course. I didn't have my camera with me, but here's a picture of Kim, just for good measure.

Come to find out, K Fed was there that night, too. I'm so heartbroken I didn't get to feast my eyes upon that. (Kidding, I'm kidding...seriously.)

The next day was filled with speakers, a catered lunch, and then another evening out on the town, but toned down quite a bit. No celebrity sightings and no mobs of crazy drunk people.

This, my friends was my delectable dessert at lunch. And yes, I was so excited about it that I took its picture. Do you SEE that huge piece of curled chocolate. H-E-A-V-E-N.

In between lunch and our night out, I had some time to myself, so I went frolicking about, pretending I was in Italy. I never did get my gondola ride, but one of the Italian gray-ponytail-toting accordian players did say it was time for "my song" and proceeded to play The Chicken Dance for me. Anyway, isn't this just a heavenly sight? And to think - the sky is not even real - it's a painting. Loved it...

After my time pretending, me and some other hotties hit the town for dinner and some shopping for the kidlets. Here's me and the girls, posing with the likeness of the hotness known as The Rock. Mmmmm.

Me, Kristi, Bobbi, Alicia, Margarita, and Connie

Hands down, my favorite part of the whole weekend was getting to meet friends for the first time, and getting to meet so many new friends. The girl time was the best. And the break from reality wasn't bad, either.

Thanks to Tiffany and Heather for putting together one heck of a weekend for all of us!

Real motherhood.

2009-10-22T05:30:00.000-07:00

Motherhood has changed me in so many ways. I could talk about the cup size reduction, the fat relocation, the lack of sleep, the fact that I now eat things off the floor on a regular basis and occasionally partake of toddler foods for my own snacks, but today, I just want to focus on one aspect of how motherhood has changed me. And that, my friends, is the fact that I'm no longer as judgmental toward mothers.

Before I entered the world of motherhood, I will admit that I was totally judgmental.

I'd see moms in their sweats and messy hair and think, "Man, she's let herself go. Would it hurt to spend 5 minutes with a brush and a tube of mascara?" Mean, I know.

On the other end of the spectrum, I'd see those moms who were just totally gorgeous wearing the nice outfits, toting around their beautiful, well-behaved gorgeous children with perma-smiles on their faces and think to myself, "See? She took some time for herself? She hasn't let herself go. Look how cute her kids look in those trendy little outfits! Awww!"

Aw, BARF is what I think to myself now, as I sit in my sweats with no mascara on trying to pick spaghetti and peanut butter out of my hair.

Barf to the lady with the perfect outfit, the perfect children, and the smile that never fades. I'm calling her bluff because that's not real motherhood.

Now, hear me out. I like to look nice when I go out in public. I usually wear makeup every day, and I, for the most part, try to be presentable. Nothing wrong with that. But, there's also nothing wrong with going to the store in your sweats and crazy hair. To each his own.

What bugs the heck out of me is when women put this crazy pressure on themselves to act like they always have it together and that every single moment of every day with their children is filled with nothing but love and laughter and hugs. Oh, and no one ever farts or burps or says a cuss word in their little world, either.

Sure, there are moms who may have a better handle on things than others. Some may be more organized, more calm, better able to cope in stressful situations, but let's be honest - trying to act like it's all fun and games is just silly.

It's hard - plain and simple, and to me - it's really refreshing to be able to talk about the way it really is. I've been so blessed to have friends (and readers!) who are also willing to tell it like it is.

Frankly, I don't have time for sugar coating in my life (unless that sugar coating is on a piece of cake - in that case, I have PLENTY of time). I want people around me who can relate, who can be open and honest and not afraid to admit that this motherhood gig is no cakewalk.

When we give ourselves permission to admit that we have days when it feels like we weren't cut out for this, I think it helps us to enjoy and appreciate and relish in the multitude of fun and down-right hilarious days of motherhood as well.

In real motherhood, you can't have one without the other.

*This post is a part of Mama Kat's Thursday Writer's Workshop, hosted at Mama Kat's Losin It.

Wordful Wednesday: Motherhood, Tupperware and Toddlers - it's a beautiful mix.

2009-10-21T16:05:00.010-07:00

What does motherhood mean?

It means a whole heck of a lot of things. Scraped knees, bonked heads, explaining dead goldfish, tickle fights, tooth fairies, learning to put someone else's needs before your own, and many, many other things.

Right now, one thing motherhood means to me is that my days of having a Tupperware cabinet where I can find exactly what I am looking for thanks to my six beautiful and elegant bins from Dollar Tree are gone. For several years to come.

And I'm quite okay with that.

*This post is a part of Wordful Wednesday, hosted by Angie at Angie's 7 Clown Circus.

Pondering the meaning of it all.

2009-10-19T16:02:00.005-07:00

So, I got back from Vegas last night, and I'll tell you all about that soon. I promise. And as for pictures, I was not loving the idea of lugging out my inconveniently sized Canon camera, so I'm going to have to jack some pictures from my friends who are brilliant and carry cameras the size of iPods that are not cumbersome.

There will be pictures and stories to follow, for sure, but you're just going to have to wait. I'm mean - I know. I hate waiting, but you're not the boss of me, so you can't make me do anything. :)

Lately I've been thinking about the direction and purpose of my blog, and I've realized that here and there I've gotten distracted and in some ways I've gotten away from some of the most important reasons I started blogging in the first place.

I've enjoyed doing some reviews and giveaways, but I've had several things on my to-do list of reviews lately and it's become overwhelming and stressful to me, and no longer fun. So, I'm going to finish what I committed to because I feel strongly about keeping my word and following through with my commitments, and then I'll be cutting way back on things related to reviews and giveaways.

So, forewarning - I've procrastinated and have 3 CD reviews that are all due today, one product review that is due, and a book review as well (see what I mean? In over my head much?) so this week you'll be seeing more than usual of that, but I want you to know it's just because I need to FINISH these things. To get them off my plate, and then I can focus on what I really want to do with this blog.

Plus, I feel like the majority of you don't come here to read about products or win things because that's not the primary focus of my blog. I hope you come here because you want to read what I have to say, and hopefully some of it resonates with you.

I feel the need to prioritize things and establish a clear direction I want to go in. It's like I've had a little blog ADD or something, and I just need to step back, decide what needs to stay, what needs to go, and what is worthy of my time.

I promise it will all be worth it.

Gotta go figure out some plans for dinner, but watch for more stuff on Vegas later this week!

It's Vegas or bust, baby.

2009-10-16T05:00:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this, I'm in Vegas. I know, sniff, sniff - you're really sad for me because I'm not going to have any fun at all.

I mean, I'll be staying at a total dump.

Relaxing in luxury.

Shopping.

Dancing like a fool (seriously, like a fool - must I remind you I have no rhythm?).

Meeting blog friends for the first time.

Like Summer from Le Musings of Moi.

And Mama Kat from Mama's Losin' It.

Riding a gondola while a little Italian man sings to me.

Eating lovely food.

Watching TV in the bathroom. Because there's a TV in the bathroom.

Walking around, pretending I'm actually in Venice, even though it's far, far away.

And smiling from ear to ear.

Because I'm going on vacation. SITScation, to be exact, with a bunch of lovely ladies from SITS - otherwise known as The Secret is in the Sauce.

No diapers to change, no bills to pay, to work to go to, no dishes or clothes or spilled spaghetti-o's to clean up.

Just a girl's weekend in Vegas.

But, since we're all bloggers, I can tell you that what happens in Vegas, won't be staying in Vegas. ;)

Have a great weekend, and I'll tell you all about it when I return!

Eeeeeeee!!!!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - she's my rock star.

2009-10-15T05:00:00.004-07:00

The day was April 29, 2008.

It was the day Kaylee was born, but it was also the day I saw my mom in a whole new light.

She was there with me all day as I labored through contractions and walked up and down the halls in the labor and delivery unit.

With Dennis on one side and my mom on the other, I managed to endure about 8 hours of labor without my much-anticipated epidural.

When I was in the hospital bed and could tell I was about to get hit by a ginormous contraction, I'd close my eyes and just squeeze my mom's hand like there was no tomorrow. And it got me through, every time.

A lot of the details are fuzzy, but her and Dennis were like a tag team that day, taking turns rubbing my back and letting me squeeze their hands through the pain.

Dennis never left my side - he was rubbing my back pretty much the whole time.

But the face I remember seeing the most when I think back to that day is the face of my mom.

I remember her staying calm when I freaked out and I can still just picture her looking at me, and I could tell that if there was any way for her to take the pain from me, she would have. In a heartbeat.

I remember the look of excitement on her face when she first showed up at the hospital and I was still in the triage unit - it was like her face was telling me, "The day is finally here! We get to meet Kaylee - finally, and today I'll be a grandma! Woo hoo! Let's DO this thing!"

I'm so glad my mom was there with me that day. I needed her. I needed her right there beside me, holding my hand, reassuring me, and being there for me to lean on.

When all was said and done, and Kaylee had safely entered the world, that's when I realized my mom was more than just a mom.

I realized my mom is a rock star.

She managed to bring me into this world without any pain medication. I had my frickin' awesome epidural and didn't feel a thing once it kicked in. The contractions were unbearable at the end (hence, the epidural), but I don't even want to know what actually pushing the kid OUT would have felt like without drugs.

I realized that I put my mom through a heck of a lot the day I was born, and that was just the beginning.

She's always been there for me, through everything - stupid mistakes, stupid boys, zits, smart ass remarks, shopping for bras, leaving home for college, planning a wedding, getting married, being there for me the day Kaylee was born - and now - being there for me on my good and bad days as I do my best to be a rock star for my own daughter.

She's my mom, and she's my rock star, and I'm so, so lucky to have her.

Love you, mamacita. :)

*This post is a part of Writer's Workshop, hosted by the hilarious Mama Kat from Mama Kat's Losin' It.

Wednesday humor courtesy of moi. You're welcome.

2009-10-14T12:15:00.008-07:00

Well, if you don't share my sense of humor, you may not laugh - you may think this is ridiculous and stupid, but I love it.

And frankly, I think we're in need of a little humor around here. We saw this a few days ago on TV and it just had me in stitches. Another reminder that when you're down in the dumps, funny stuff can really help lift you out of the funk you're stuck in.

Dennis and I get so excited every time Andy Samberg comes up with a new digital short on Saturday Night Live. He's just crazy and hilarious, and we love him. I wish we could be friends with him so we could sit around and insist that he makes us laugh all day and all night. But, he would probably think that was be weird, and - well, he's a celebrity, so we'll never be friends.

I'll just have to settle for watching his videos online. This is his latest, and it had us cracking up and rewinding the DVR to watch parts of it again. His facial expressions just kill me.

Andy Samberg - I Threw it On The Ground - watch more funny videos

I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow this house down.

2009-10-13T07:13:00.005-07:00

This past week I've felt a bit like The Hulk when he starts to go from scrawny human to angry green monster.

It's made me feel a bit compelled to write about the aspect of depression that shows up as anger, because - frankly - I think that component is overlooked all too often.

Before I had actually experienced it for myself, I always associated depression with things like sadness, crying, having no energy, being down in the dumps, staying in bed all day - those types of things. I think those are the ideas that a lot of people in our society think of when we think depression.

But how often do we associate anger, and dare I even say it? RAGE with depression?

Because it is a symptom, but from my little corner of the world I never realized depression and anger went together until I experienced it for myself.

It doesn't fit the picture we all have in our minds.

I think one of the more common thoughts that probably comes into people's minds when they think of women with the baby blues, postpartum mood disorders, or just flat out depression is a picture of a woman who sits at home and cries all day.

Those of us who have been knee deep in depression or postpartum mood disorders know that's not how it is.

It's different for all of us. For some, maybe it does mean sitting at home crying all day. But, for me, and for several women that I have talked to in my own life, anger seems to be a pretty common theme, and if we're brave enough to admit it, we'll even tell you that the anger can turn to rage.

I'm talking about the feeling that your blood is actually boiling, you're on the verge of trembling and literally want to throw your TV set through your window kind of rage. You're mad, mad, MAD, and you can't talk yourself down from it. You don't think or act logically and you say things you regret.

You are 100% aware of what you are experiencing and how you are acting, but you have no power to change it.

Simply put - you are out of control.

It's amazing to me how we can put on our "I've got it all together faces," when really - we're falling apart and beating ourselves up over the fact that we are treating our families like dirt and have these emotions that seem unmanageable.

Now, I realize some people use a diagnosis to excuse their behavior, but that's not what I'm talking about here, and that's what makes it so difficult to grasp and to accept.

You act a certain way - you are mean, you are angry, and you want to stop. You hate what you see yourself doing, but it's happening anyway, and all you can do is wait for it to pass.

And in my case, wait and hope and pray and cross your fingers that the medication will kick in and do the same magic it did last time...

Ladies? If you've gone through this or are going through this - trust me. You're not alone. It happens, and there's help. You might feel crazy, but you're not, and you shouldn't have to feel like you need to just suck it up and move on. There's plenty of help out there that's yours for the taking, but you have to make the choice to accept it.

Wordful Wednesday - Watch out, kids - she bites!

2009-10-07T06:32:00.004-07:00

See that kid? That one on the right? She's mine. And she's a biter.

Up until Monday, the worst thing I'd heard whenever I picked her up from someone's house who watched her was, "Yeah. She used a blue crayon to color on the dog."

No big thang, right?

Yesterday one of my best friends, who happens to have a daughter just a couple months younger than Kaylee, watched her for me.

We decided when the girls were just weeks old that they'd be each other's BFF, and now we can say they are well on their way.

I arrived to pick Kaylee up and asked how she did. My friend said she did great, but that there was one little incident. Oh, crap! Not my sweet little child (who is nothing short of a little pistol) - no!

She totally bit Maggie's finger, which made Maggie cry, and then Kaylee started crying. My friend said she didn't even have to scold Kaylee. She just looked at her and said, "Kaylee!!!" and she could tell that Maggie's crying was enough of a lesson.

So that picture above is Kaylee giving Maggie a hug after what we now call "the incident."

The looks on each of their faces just kill me. I love it.

5 milligrams - down the hatch.

2009-10-06T20:10:00.007-07:00

Tonight, I'm filled with cautious optimism.

We've been swimming around in some all-too-familiar water these days.

All of us know that when we're under a lot of stress, we don't exactly put our best foot forward.We have a shorter fuse, we're a bit more cranky and lot less willing to have a sense of humor about things.

For me, an overwhelming amount of stress can often mean that I lose much of my ability to cope in appropriate ways, so instead, I turn to things like yelling - real, actual yelling - at my loved ones, eating too much, being cranky and rude, and getting focused on being in a "funk."

That's been me lately. I definitely think I had some situational depression these past few weeks when Kaylee was so sick. You can only take so much of seeing your kid go from doctor appointment to doctor appointment, hospital to hospital, and being put on medication after medication, only for the same infections to remain for over a month.

Optimism and hope aren't so easy to come by.

Negativity, pessimism, and all-around crankybuttedness begin to dominate. You start to realize you're becoming someone you're not.

And for me, it made me realize that maybe I'm not as okay as I thought I was...

I was on anti-depressants for 6 months after being diagnosed with postpartum depression 3 months after I had Kaylee. The medication worked absolute wonders. At the 6 month mark, my doctor and I agreed that I could come off the meds because it appeared that my depression had been treated.

Since then, I've questioned whether or not that was really the case, and when I went to see my OB in June I told her I felt like my depression was coming back. The thing was, feelings of depression and changes in mood were a possible side effect of my birth control, so we decided to switch to something else to pinpoint what the precise cause was. She wanted me to give it a month and see how I felt.

After that time passed, Dennis and I noticed a huge difference, so we pretty much wrote off any depression, even though - from time to time - we'd see a symptom emerge here and there. I think we chose to ignore it for the most part because it really was a drastic change from where I had been before.

About the same time I talked to my OB, I talked to my new primary care doctor who said that, based on my symptoms, she thought that what I was describing sounded a lot more like anxiety than depression, and I agreed with her, although I was still having symptoms of both.

She recommended some lifestyle changes before getting back on any medication, so I implemented her ideas, and I continued to sail along with minor symptoms here and there, but they were small enough to write off as day-to-day crankiness - pretty minor stuff, it seemed.

But, one thing Dennis and I finally concluded a couple nights ago was that lifestyle does make a difference (eating healthy, exercising, getting outside, getting good sleep, etc.), but in my case, it seems that, since I had Kaylee, there's always been something underlying, whether it's irritability or anger, or a panic attack waiting to happen. Up until more recently, it was pretty much under the radar and tolerable. But, really stressful situations just seemed exacerbate the symptoms and show us the scarier side of what has really seemed to be there all along.

When I shared my story on postpartum depression, I wrote about how I reached a point where I'd forgotten what it felt like to be myself, and I'm bummed to say it, but that's where I'm at again.

Lately, it's just been crazy amounts of anger and irritability. Anger over the stupidest little things, and I told Dennis it frickin' sucks that I can't just get through a day without getting really mad about something. That is not. ME. At all. But, it's how I've been acting, so something needs to change.

And now, I finally realize it won't be a 6-month trial of the meds. I was on them before. They worked. Life was good. And now things are starting go to crap again. I've come to accept that things went a little haywire with my brain chemistry after Kaylee was born, and I'm not sure they'll be going to back to normal. Possibly ever. I've talked with several other moms (many fellow bloggers) who feel this same way.

So, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm a bit whacked out, and I can unwhack what's whacked.

I need my trusty little pill to help me, and that's okay.

It's okay because I've been here before, and I know it doesn't have to be this way. I know that my life can get back to the way it was, and I will feel like myself again.

There is help, and I'm going to accept it. And if I still don't feel back to me with the medication alone, I'm going to find a counselor to talk to because my family and I deserve for me to be happy and healthy.

So tonight, I've got 5 milligrams down the hatch, and I'm more relieved than I can even describe, just knowing that it won't be long and I'll remember what it feels like to be me again.

Just give me a hot drink and my DVR and I'm set.

2009-10-02T19:20:00.002-07:00

Dennis is at karate and Kaylee is sleeping. My house is filled with with this unfamiliar thing I like to call silence.

I'm about to make myself a hot chai latte, pop some popcorn, grab some tissues and get set to watch last night's season premier of Private Practice.

One of my favorite shows ever, and no matter what - I cry at pretty much every episode. I'm such a frickin' sap.

Oh, how I love my alone time. So very much.

Losing my teeth in a caramel apple and explosive sandbox volcanoes

2009-09-30T20:01:00.004-07:00

Do you ever think back on your childhood and wonder why you remember some things?

Although I lived in 3 different houses in my growing up years, one of the homes in particular comes to mind when I think of my childhood home. We moved there before I was old enough to remember, and we moved away when I was about 10.

It was a cute little 2 story with a grassy front yard, a fenced in backyard, a swing set, a sandbox and a dog kennel with our obnoxious dog, Axel (yes, for the Guns 'n Roses Axel), who was forever sniffing my butt every time I went outside.

I have so many fond memories of our time in that home (the constant butt sniffing not being one of those...).

Sitting on my front porch in the summertime offering the mailman a bite of my lime popsicle.

Coming *this* close to getting my little brother to eat a dog turd because I told him it was a tootsie roll.

Making the conscious choice to lock the door to my room, step outside of it, and pull the door closed, bidding all my toys farewell because of my brilliant plan to tell my dad that I couldn't clean my room because I was locked out of it. I may go the rest of my childhood without my toys, but if it meant I didn't have to clean it, it was worth it all. The plan got shot to crap the moment my dad was all, "What the hell!" and picked the lock with a pen. And I thought it was such a brilliant plan...

Watching in disbelief as my little brother - a toddler at the time - crawled under the table and the tried to stand up, hitting his head and then yelling, "Shit!"

Waking inside my house on my birthday to find a yellow brick road made of construction paper with clues about little munchkins waiting for me in the basement, leading to a surprise Wizard of Oz birthday party.

Losing my front teeth in a caramel apple when I went over to the neighbor kid's house to play.

Learning how to play pacman on our ginormous new computer. It was super high tech with a brown screen and orange lettering.

Watching ET in the basement with my family for the first time, and covering my eyes during the part at the end where ET is in all those tubey things and looks all powdery and chalky.

Using masking tape to put prices on all my toys, pretending I had my own store.

Sitting on the sidewalk in front of my house capturing ants with a shovel and putting them in buckets, naming each and every one.

Making volcanoes in the sandbox with a vinegar concoction of some kind.

When we travel back to the town we used to live in, we drive by our old house. It looks the same, but now it's gray instead of black and white. And it seems smaller. The neighbors who lived in the green house next door are still there. They told us people moved in who were selling crack or some other illegal drug.

Frickin' idiots.

Our family was never made of money, but my parents sure did a heck of a lot of things to make sure we had a buttload of fun memories to look back on.

And that, to me, is one of the things I get most excited about when it comes to being a parent. Now it's my turn to teach my kid all sorts of fun stuff like how to start a rock collection, how to make volcanoes in your back yard, and how to get out of cleaning your room for 3 minutes. There's so much to look forward to!

This post is a part of Writer's Workshop, hosted by Mama Kat over at Mama's Losin' It

"Great Success!"

2009-09-29T22:35:00.002-07:00

I said I'd never watch Borat, but never say never, right? I caved. I watched it. I fast forwarded through the disgusting parts. And yes, I laughed at a lot of things, too. So, I had to use that for my title.

Anyway, some of your comments on Twitter made me realize I didn't let you know how Kaylee's surgery went.

It went GREAT! It was unbelievably fast, and she did fantastic.

She's such a Daddy's girl, and often favors Dennis over me, so when the nurses told me this little story, I about melted right then and there...

They explained that when the kids come out of anesthesia, they're often "little barbarians" what with the kicking and hitting and biting (crazy, huh?). They're scared and confused and don't know what the heck is going on.

Well, when Kaylee woke up, the first thing she said was, "Mama, please?"

That's my girl. :)

She's on some ear drops and an antibiotic for a week, and we'll go for a follow-up in 3 weeks.

And I just want to say thanks for all of you who left comments here and on Twitter offering encouragement and giving examples of your successes with the ear tubes. It was so awesome to see all that support, and I really appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers for Kaylee.

NOW we're talking...

2009-09-28T19:25:00.004-07:00

So, ya know how I posted earlier today about all the frustrations with doctors since Kaylee's been sick? It got worse.

This afternoon I got a call from the ENT in Phoenix, cancelling our appointment for this Wednesday. That was supposed to be our answer. That was supposed to be the appointment where we figured things out, made decisions and got on the ball to get Kaylee BETTER.

Our pediatrician told me that when we saw the specialist Wednesday, I needed to push him to get her scheduled for surgery Thursday - that very next day. So, you can imagine that when I got the call that he had to cancel all his appointments for that day, I seriously nearly lost my marbles permanently.

I got our pediatrician's office on the phone and told them I was willing to see our local ENT (who we decided not to see before, when he couldn't be reached to see Kaylee during her first trip to the hospital).

The ENT office called me within the hour and told me to have Kaylee at their office in 45 minutes. And you know what else they told me? They had my sweet baby on the surgery schedule for 7 a.m. tomorrow to have ear tubes placed in both ears.

Now how is THAT for a step in the right direction?

He explained that they are on call 24/7 for their established patients, but with only 2 of them in our whole town, they can't respond to every call they get from the hospital to see a patient, unless it's one of their own. Understandable. So, now we're cool.

Tomorrow should be the start of some brighter days ahead for all of us.

Thank you, God.

The Mama Bear in me

2009-09-28T13:36:00.007-07:00

I used to be pretty timid and I was petrified to stand up for myself.

As I've grown older, more independent, and more sure of myself, I am not afraid to say what I need to say. I don't let people walk all over me, and I will speak my mind.

Then, Kaylee was born. I had this tiny, helpless little human to protect and nurture and raise, and God help me if anyone ever even THOUGHT of hurting her. Out comes the first sighting of Mama Bear.

Then, Kaylee got sick.

And out comes the ferocious Mama Bear. Claws, fangs, growls and all.

Out came the part of my personality that, until then, still hid from time to time. The part that has strong instincts and doesn't question them. The one that will stand up for my daughter come hell or high water, and the one who gets infuriated when those who should know more than me only prove their ignorance.

I know it's okay to question doctors. I also know that there's a reason they went to medical school and I didn't. I've always been of the mindset that you ask questions and keep asking questions. You advocate for yourself. You have to. And, then there comes a point where you need to trust that the doctors know better than you do.

THEN. Oh, then there comes a day.

We shall call this day Sunday. Sunday the 27th of September, 2009. Let's call it Kaylee's 3rd Trip to the ER This Friggin' Month.

Dennis and I called it the last chance. They'd screwed up twice before. First, by misdiagnosing Kaylee with pneumonia and never calling us to say we could take her off the heavy duty antibiotics because the x-ray was clear. And second, we find out that last time we went to the ER to rule out a bone infection in Kaylee's ear, the doctor told our pediatrician said she "didn't look too bad" and was just going to send her home on oral antibiotics. Thankfully, our pediatrican said ooooh, no you don't, and that's when we eventually had to transfer Kaylee to a children's hospital for inpatient IV antibiotics.

Yesterday was their last chance. Maybe the first two times were a fluke. But this was it. They screw up again, and we're done. The bad part of that? The next closest ER is 2 hours away. Do you chance it and make the trip, or leave your child's health and wellness in the hands of a bunch of incompetent morons? What do you DO?

So, yesterday - when Kaylee began to get redness behind her ear and her ear started sticking out like a little Hobbit ear again - JUST as it had done when it was bad enough to transfer her to another hospital, we took her straight to the ER. This is what we got from the doctor:

"It really doesn't concern me." Told me the plan was home with oral antibiotics and he told me how to recognize symptoms of meningitis in case the infection turns into that. Gee, thanks - DOC. We brought her in so it wouldn't progress to THAT.

NO! No, no, no, no, NO! You did NOT!

This, after I told him her detailed history of not responding to several oral antibiotics and how our pediatrician and all the doctors at the children's hospital were alarmed by the way her ear looked, when it looked just like this last time.

It was like pulling teeth getting him to agree to do anything besides the oral meds. I asked for IV meds since I knew that treated it well last time, but he agreed to do a shot in the leg of antibiotics instead. And I think he probably just did it to get me to shut up.

At this point, I don't even know what to think. Today, her doctor said both ears are now full of this yellow gunky stuff, and the infection is back with a vengeance.

I don't know what's going on, but I do know this...NO ONE is going to feed me another line of bull crap. We are getting this fixed - one way or another, and this Mama Bear's got her claws out, ready for a fight.

Enough already.

2009-09-26T22:05:00.004-07:00

I'm realizing that one of the hardest things about being a mom is finding yourself in situations where there is no clear cut answer about what you should or should not do.

And there is no worse feeling than knowing your child is hurting and having to watch them experience any kind of discomfort.

Kaylee's been sick for over a month.

We've been home from the hospital almost 2 weeks now, and although she's not 100% better and will need a drainage of one ear and probably ear tubes, at least she's been getting better. Acting more like herself, eating more, no fevers, finally finished her umpteenth course of antibiotics.

And then today she wakes up with a snotty nose from hell and a high temperature that took a few hours to come down, even after we gave her Motrin and Tylenol.

Like I've said before, I do my best to be optimistic with whatever I'm up against, but this is just ringing all too familiar to me because it's exactly like her illness started out a month ago.

I can't help but think that maybe her ear is infected again, and the fact that she had such a serious complication of her ear infection that she landed in the hospital last time makes me ultra cautious about it.

We talked about taking her the ER this morning, but decided against it after her fever finally came down, and eventually stayed that way, even after several hours with no medications.

I'm just rambling, and I really don't have incredibly clear thoughts about this whole thing, except to say that I just want this to be over. I just want her to be WELL. I just want her to be able to carry on and be healthy like she has been up until this point.

It scares the heck out of me.

Oh, dear sweet oatmeal chocolate chip pancake...come to MAMA!

2009-09-23T19:53:00.007-07:00

Today will not go down in history as one of those days you could consider more fun than a barrel of monkeys.

Nothing monumentally bad happened. In fact, by most standards, it really wasn't a bad day at all.

But, I'm on call this week again, and as luck would have it, my sleeping butt got woken up at 2 a.m. with the buzzing of my pager, beckoning me to come to work. I had so much fun. It was a blast. Not really.

Anyway, I got home at 4:30 a.m. and finally fell asleep. About 15 minutes before the alarm went off, beckoning me BACK to work for my regular shift. Do I really need to explain that I was Miss Pissy Pants all day long, or did you just assume that before I even explained it? Because I WAS a stick in the mud all day. It was one of those one friggin' thing after another days.

And, believe me - I'm thankful to have a job, so I'll take some bad days here and there. But, let's just say my coping mechanisms were malfunctioning.

I ate almost a whole Dove chocolate bar (which, by the way, I do not regret - I fully believe it helped me from going completely mad at times) and I got a mini pizza for lunch, which I haven't done in WEEKS. Didn't feel so hot about those choices, but it was all about the comfort food.

So, I came home and changed into my comfy clothes and got to relax a bit. And even though the plan was to eat some chicken that I cooked up in the crock pot yesterday, it just wasn't going to do the trick for me.

It was definitely a breakfast for dinner kind of night.

Quickly, I cracked open the pages of my Hungry Girl cookbook and got out a mixing bowl and the ingredients for my current Hungry Girl obsession - "Oat-Rageous Chocolate Chip Pancake Minis."

Now, the recipe makes 5 mini pancakes, but I get all crazy with my bad self and just make one huge honkin' pancake. And it is so. GOOD. I'm telling you!

It was total comfort food, and just 3 of my daily 18 Weight Watchers food points. I could indulge and not feel one bit guilty.

I'm sure I'm breaking some sort of law by sharing this with you, but I'm feeling fiesty, so I'm going to tell you how to cook up some of these bad boys for yourself...

Oat-Rageous Chocolate Chip Pancake Minis

Ingredients

3 Tbsp. regular oats (not instant)
3 Tbsp. fat-free liquid egg substitute
2 Tbsp. whole-wheat flour
1 Tbsp. light vanilla soymilk
1/2 Tbsp. mini semi-sweet chocolate chips
1/4 tsp. baking powder
1/8 tsp. vanilla extract
1 no-calorie sweetener packet
(I also like to add some cinnamon)
Dash salt

Directions

Place all ingredients in a small bowl, except for chocolate chips. Add 1 Tbsp water and stir until thoroughly mixed. Fold in chocolate chips.

Bring a large pan sprayed with nonstick spray to medium heat. Pour batter in the pan to form 5 mini pancakes (or one ginormous pancake, like I do). Once pancake(s) begin to look solid, after about 1 minute, gently (or ferociously) flip.

Cook for an additional minute, or until both sides are lightly browned and insides are cooked through.

My favorite toppings? I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Spray, sugar-free (or sugar-filled) syrup, and/or fat-free Reddi Whip.

Makes 1 serving

Source: Hungry Girl 200 Under 200 recipe book, page 30 - with a few of my own words and variations thrown in here and there.

Random thoughts over a piping hot bowl of popcorn

2009-09-21T19:24:00.006-07:00

Took a little blogging holiday, and I must say it was rather refreshing. Now I'm ready for some more talking.

First off, I must say that Orville Redenbacher is a damn genius. I think his 94% fat free butter popcorn is largely under appreciated. It's just so delectable, low in fat, and chased with a couple tall cold ones, totally fills up the belly. Guilt free and oh-so-good. Mmmm.

So - Swedish massages. Last week when I had my "moment" and dropped Kaylee off with mi madre, she slipped me a few extra Washingtons, and so I decided to get a Swedish massage (followed by a spa pedicure). Loved. Every. Minute. If I was physically able, I would have kicked and screamed and threw a fit when the masseuse told me it was over. But, I am not entirely sure I was even half conscious at that point, and I was moving at a snail's pace. I think our family needs to quit drinking milk and eating cereal, and then I can just put that money toward getting a massage every month. I need to start thinking of a way to break the news to Dennis...

My attitude has sucked lately. Ever since we brought Kaylee home from the hospital on the 14th, it was the only thing I could think about. I'd even venture to say I was obsessing about it. Just replaying the events over and over in my head and thinking about how bad it could have been, and that's just not me. I'm not a pessimist. I do my best to see the positive in everything, but the whole thing sort of just shook my world up a bit, and I let it get to me more than I should have.

Along those same lines, I got a call today from the hospital she was at and found out that our bill is $13,000 and that's before the doctors bill for their services - that fine chunk 'o change is just for the hospital facility charges. All I can say is I am SO glad we have insurance so we won't have to pay the entire amount. I guess we won't be having any trouble paying that deductible this year...

So, a while back I told you I was getting back on track. Eating better. Taking care of myself. Reading. Working out. Trying to lose a bit of extra poundage off the badonkadonk. I'm taking the slow route, but I've managed to lose 5% of my body weight since I started Weight Watchers again eight weeks ago. It feels good to fit into my pants again, and - believe it or not - I even have some pants that are loose - what, WHAT!?!?!

Here are some things that have helped me the most with the whole eating better, working out, losing weight thing...

Hungry Girl - namely, her book 200 Under 200, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Spray (Hello! Zero Fat. Zero Calories. Hallelujah!), Zumba, Pump Iron (group weight lifting/cardio class), of course my dear, sweet Gilad, Mommy and Me class, and eating chocolate every day. Maybe I'll talk more about that stuff another day.

But for now, I'm calling it a night.

And no - I'm not kidding about the chocolate every day. I'm serious. A little bit each day keeps me from totally overindulging. I highly recommend it. Personally, I think it's a pretty genius plan.

Psssst! Come check it out!

2009-09-17T06:22:00.005-07:00

So, not long ago I signed up for the whole Blog Frog thing, and last night I finally had some time to mess around getting it all set up.

In case your like, "Eh? Blog WHAT?" Blog Frog is a place where you can find new blogs, get more exposure for your own blog, and where you can create a community for your readers to talk to each other.

See that sidebar to the right? When you visit the blogs of people who are on Blog Frog, you'll show up in THEIR Blog Frog sidebar when you go to their blog and vice versa, so it's one way to get people to find your blog.

But! My favorite part is the community/forum on Blog Frog. I just created the first forum discussion last night on my page last night, and it looks so lonely over there! So come on over, and let's get talking. Click here to visit my forum. Got ideas for future topics to discuss? Leave me comments with your ideas.

And if you haven't already, go check out Blog Frog and get yourself hooked up. There's lots of fun to be had!

Wait, wait. I'm having a moment here...

2009-09-16T19:37:00.009-07:00

Sometimes all I want is just a minute.

Well, that's a lie. I want more than a minute. I'd like 5, 10, 45 minutes, or hey - how about a whole afternoon? A whole day? A weekend? That's probably pushing it...

My life has a tendency to spin a bit out of control at times, just as I'm sure yours does from time to time. Things pile up, the stress continues to mount, and I reach a point where I have a hard time just carrying on as usual.

Sometimes it just gets to be too much, and if I could just have a minute (and by minute I mean at least a couple of hours), I could function oh-so-much better.

Do you ever have those times in your life where you feel like so much is going on that you don't have the ability to just sit? Just be? Just think and ponder and reflect and get back to basics?

That's what kind of time I'm having.

I try to wind down every night by reading a book before bed. It relaxes me, it distracts my mind, makes my eyes tired, and helps me get a restful night's sleep. But even that doesn't give me what I ultimately need, and the majority of the time, I don't make what I need a priority.

I think it has to do with the fact that there are these unspoken expectations that go along with being a wife and a mother and, in general, a woman in today's world. I think we're finally making some progress as it is becoming more acceptable to take care of ourselves, but that is not how it's been for women in our society.

You can talk about women's liberation until you're blue in the face, but the fact is - we are still followed around with these expectations that we are supposed to do certain things and be a certain way.

Cook dinner. Take care of your babies. Listen. Nurture. Behave. Don't be bitchy. Don't be rude. Volunteer. Don't lose your temper. Don't confront. Say yes. Go there. Be there. Do this. Do that.

It's so sad that for many of us, it's like pulling teeth just to say no to something. We're plagued by this guilt, and for those of us that are moms, we all suffer from Mommy Guilt in its many forms.

Guilt...

For not spending enough time with our kids.
For not feeding them organic or fresh food.
For giving them pre-packaged, microwave it in 30 seconds lunches.
For plopping them in front of the TV so we can have some silence.
For wanting to get away.
For using formula instead of breast feeding.
For getting mad at them.
For yelling at them.

We're scared...

Of being judged.
Of not being perfect.
Of not being as good as those other moms who appear have it all together.
That we really can't handle all that comes our way.

But, that's not how it's supposed to be.

We shouldn't plague ourselves with guilt. We shouldn't be scared of failing or of being judged or of falling short of the mark.

We are humans. We are moms. And we are doing the best that we can.

But, if there's one thing we suck at, it's taking care of ourselves. Taking care of ourselves without the guilt...

...Realizing that just because we want to get away from our kids and our spouses and our homes and our responsibilities - THAT DOES NOT MEAN WE ARE BAD MOMS.

We can't be on our game if we're burning the candle at both ends and constantly on edge about something because we've just had it up to HERE and feel like we're going to crack. We have so much on our plates as women - I don't care if you have kids, work outside the home, are married, are single, whatever. The mere fact that we are women automatically means that we have a tremendous amount of responsibility, stress, and unrealistic expectations.

We all just need a minute. A minute to breathe, to think, to be ALONE and not be bothered.

I've felt the need for my own little minute coming for quite a while now, and the events of the past couple weeks, eventually resulting in my 16-month-old spending 3 nights in the hospital have only made that more clear to me.

I have so much on my mind. I feel so overwhelmed. And I am still shook up about everything that happened. But, I came home to past due bills, piles of laundry, not a clean pair of underwear in sight, and a kitchen full of dirty dishes. I couldn't just melt down. I had things to tend to.

So, hmmm...have a much-needed cry fest and let everything out, or gee - get our house payment in the mail yesterday to avoid late fees and annoying calls at 8:45 p.m. from the idiots at the bank? Let's go ahead and just make that payment. The breakdown can wait for another day...

I want to be able to just sit and think. I want some time to myself where I don't feel the need to accomplish chores and run errands and be productive.

And Friday, I'm going to have my minute.

I've got to play the mom card first thing in the morning to take Kaylee to a follow-up appointment, but after that...I'm a free woman.

I'm getting a spa pedicure at a fancy little spa (thank you Colin and Sarah!) where they have huge cushy chairs that you sink way down into. They have big copper bowls with marbles in the bottom, bubbles galore, and rose petals on top of the bubbles where your toes soak and soak and soak. There's scrubbing and massaging and hot paraffin wax dips. And beautimous toes, freshly painted in what I'm guessing will be a deep, sparkly red.

Who knows what will come after that. All I know is there will be no washing of clothes or dishes, no paying of bills, no poopy diapers, no naptimes (unless I decide I want a nap), no crying from people whose name is not Sera, and no stress.

I don't have a plan. And that's how I want it. No strings. No real plans. Just time. Time to chill out, to let things sink in, to cry if I want to, and to get myself back together - back where I feel like I can handle things again and where I feel more at peace.

What would YOU do with a minute?

*This post is a part of Mama Kat's brainchild - Writer's Workshop - taking place every Thursday over at Mama's Losin' It.

Wordful Wednesday - She's my brave little toaster

2009-09-15T22:55:00.003-07:00

My daughter's resiliency has me sitting here completely befuddled.

She's been through the ringer this past month. I've lost count of the number of pediatrician visits she's had. The ER visits have been a bit easier to keep track of as there have been two, but that's two more than any mom wants to have with her child. Ever.

This kid has had bronchitis, breathing treatments, three different antibiotics, a freaking ruptured eardrum, green crusty and gooey junk coming out of her ear, and let's not talk about all the testing - blood, urine, swabs, cultures, ick.

It's too much. It's more than an adult should have to endure, and I can say for damn sure it's more than any kid should have to endure.

Things just kept going downhill, and Friday, after seeing the pediatrician for high fevers and red swelling behind her ear, she said Kaylee needed to straight to the ER. Ok...scary?

Then she told me the reason why she had to go NOW.

She said she was afraid Kaylee may have something called mastoiditis - which, apparently- is an infection that gets into the bone and air pockets behind the ear. The concern, she explained, was that this area is so close to the brain and it needs to be treated immediately and agressively because the worry is that it can spread to the brain.

I can't even describe what went through my mind at that moment, except to say that I'm darn glad I was sitting at the time.

She fussed when she got poked or when the nurses tried to take her vitals or look in her ear, but other than those times, you never would have guessed anything was wrong.

I mean - shoot. The kid ruptured her eardrum and we DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE. She didn't whine and cry. She was still my sweet little Kaylee, and there I was a complete wreck watching this all happen.

She had more testing, IV antibiotics, IV fluids, and a CT scan of her head. I will never be able to erase the image of her getting all wrapped up in the protective equipment and having them wrap her little head like a mummy around the thing she was laying on to keep her head from moving while they did the scan.

All I could do was stand back while a room full of people, including the doctor - just in case something went wrong - hurried here and there and talked in low voices while my baby was crying and I couldn't DO anything. I couldn't comfort her or make it stop.

We eventually got transferred to a children's hospital a couple hours away to see a specialist and to have Kaylee admitted for more IV antibiotics.

It was a rather long weekend, but we finally got to come home yesterday. I'm so happy to say that she's doing phenomenal. Her body responded really well to the IV medicine and there was no need for surgical intervention, and everything on her CT indicated that the infection never made its way to the bone. We were incredibly lucky.

To be honest, I'm feeling a bit out of sorts. I've had some good talks with Dennis and with my mom, but I'm still having a hard time just processing everything that happened, and I've got a lot of thoughts floating around in my head, so the tone of my posts may be a little bit different for a little while since I finally actually have some time to ponder things. It sure sheds perspective on so many aspects of my life, and it's really made me take a step back and be thankful for things.

Here are some pictures of my brave little toaster during our crazy little weekend away from home.

Remember her newfound fascination with fashion and her insistence on wearing certain things? After digging through her bag, she found these and just had to wear them.

Going home - finally...

I am SO proud of her. OH, so proud. She is amazing and resilient and such a fighter. I am so proud to be her mom.

This post is a part of Wordful Wednesdays, a weekly feature at Angie's 7 Clown Circus.

Tuesday's Tribute - To Caitlin

2009-09-15T15:40:00.005-07:00

We had quite a scare with little Kaylee last week.

Long story short - we had to take her to a children's hospital a couple hours away to get her to a specialist that could treat her for a nasty complication of an ear infection. More on that tomorrow - today is about Caitlin, an amazing nurse that cared for Kaylee 2 of the 3 nights we were in the hospital with her.

She was to the moon and back amazing. She was so gentle, and so patient with Kaylee. She let her play with the stethoscope, thermometer, just talked quietly to her and took her time in gaining Kaylee's trust.

Caitlin was constantly coming in to check on Kaylee, and to check on us, and she did a lot of the jobs that nurses normally leave for the CNAs - there was nothing she wouldn't do. If she ever got tired of my never-ending questions about what was going on with Kaylee and what the plan was, she never acted annoyed. She just answered every question as best as she could.

She told us that at that hospital, they don't just treat the patients, they treat the whole family, so she was constantly reminding Dennis and I that we needed to take care of ourselves, get out of the room every now and then, and making sure we were doing well.

She gave me hugs and talked me down from a potential panic attack. She was the only one, out of all the nurses that took care of her during our time there, that Kaylee was not uneasy around. Kaylee trusted her. She played with her. She smiled and waved at her. She wasn't afraid of her like she was most of the other nurses.

Aside from one terrible nurse that we had during 2 different day shifts, the other nurses weren't bad, but they just didn't go above and beyond like Caitlin did.

I could tell she genuinely cared about my baby and her health, as well as our whole family.

She did a phenomenal job, and we will never forget how she helped us get through the scariest thing we've had to deal with as parents to date.

*This post is a part of Tuesday's Tribute over at Angie's 7 Clown Circus.

Oh, that? It's nothing. It's just my front yard. Floating down the street.

2009-09-09T19:08:00.011-07:00

They say there's a first time for everything, and I say - yeah, there's a first time for everything, and all those first things can be boiled down into two very simple categories: first times that rock your face off, and first times that scare the living daylights out of you.

Let's talk specifics.

So...first times that rock your face off...

First car. First time on the Gravitron at the fair. First plane ride. First job out of college. First baby. First time your baby laughs. First time you do a Total Body Sculpt workout with Gilad. First time you simultaneously hold a small child while peeing and talking on your cell phone. Are we getting the picture yet?

Now, first times that scare the tar out of you...

First time you lacerate your middle finger on a broken olive oil jar. First time you bare hand a turd out of the tub (your child's, not your own - let's just be clear now as I can't having you all thinking I poop in the bathtub - I assure you I do not). First time you lose someone you love. First time your front yard decides enough is enough and it packs up, along with a mighty rushing river and decides to bid you farewell without so much as even a goodbye wave as it goes floating down the street in front of your house.

We got some freak of nature rainstorm in our neighborhood this week (in an area notorious for droughts, I'll have you know) and it ransacked our front yard. Hmmm. I think ransacked might be a more appropriate word to use when describing what burglars do to a house, but I'm using it here anyway. It sounds good.

Anyway, this God-forsaken storm took out part of our cement step, all of our landscaping, and the fabric that was underneath the landscaping. The water (and clay-like dirt from our property) also decided to take a fun trip through our air conditioner and our vents, and flooded the crawl space under our house, where our electric water heater is housed.

And, insurance isn't covering a thing because - oh, I don't know why...BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE FLOOD INSURANCE because no one in this town has flood insurance because we are in a frigging DROUGHT area.

But! The claims specialist assured me that, in the future, they WILL cover landscaping if someone, other than myself, is driving a motor vehicle and runs into either my trees or my shrubs, uprooting or damaging them. Gee, thanks, lady. I don't have any trees or shrubs - it's a drought area and I don't want to pay a gajillion dollars a month to water them so we have landscape rocks, which happen to not be covered even though they cost more than your precious trees and shrubs...

So, getting back on point. Yes, there's a first time for everything. I never thought I'd experience the first time I watched my front yard float down the road, but now I can say that I have, and that I hope to high heaven and all the way back that it never happens again.

Here's our mighty raging river...

This post is a part of one of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop, taking place every Thursday over at Mama Kat's Losin' It. If you're not playing along, you totally should be.

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