Getting back on track.

Man, it's been quite a week.

Kaylee started walking full speed ahead. Along with this walking, she's decided to declare herself Spiderbaby and has been attempting to climb walls...














... and anything and everything else. The ottoman, the dining room chairs, the stereo (yes, I said the stereo) It's like all these crazy neurons are just firing in her pretty little head all at one time.

Dennis and I are just plugging along and looking ahead to next Monday. If you recall last Monday I went to see my doctor and told her that I feel like the depression is coming back. She switched my birth control and wanted me to wait a month to see if the previous birth control was the culprit of the crankiness.

After last week, I practically had to hide the phone to keep from calling her to ask for anti-depressants. Irritability through the roof, crying, anxiety - the whole gamut. It was the worst week in a really, really long time in terms of symptoms, and I realized there's no way in heck I'm waiting a month to call her if this doesn't clear up.

I'm not trying to be pessimistic, just realistic, but I think this is the real deal. I'm coming to accept the fact that it seems my brain chemistry is just whacked ever since I had Kaylee, and I'm finally ready to acknowledge that it's more than just the postpartum depression. It's more than likely a depression that will need to be treated for years to come, and that's okay. Because this right here is no way to live. If there's relief out there, you bet your booty I'm going to jump all over it.

Dennis and I talked, and I'm continuing to track all my symptoms for one more week. Last week I had 2 out of 7 days where I felt like myself and wasn't on the verge of creating World War III within the walls of my own home. I don't think the doctor - or me, for that matter - thought things would continue at this rate. Otherwise, I doubt she'd have asked me to wait a whole month to call her.

So, July 13 is the magic day. My 2 week trial period will be up, and me, along with my trusty symptom tracking notebook will be calling her and doing something to get back on track. It makes me feel better knowing that help is just around the corner. I just want to stick it out for the two weeks to say we tried, and so that we can completely rule out that it was the birth control.

Speaking of getting back on track, some other things are changing around here, too...

I've been so proud of the fact that I haven't weighed myself for such a long time. It's really helped me to not obsess over body image issues and to feel better about myself. But, at the time when I tossed the scale, I was taking good care of myself.

Lately? Not so much.

I don't think it's a coincidence that during this last month when I started to notice symptoms of depression creeping back in, I slowly backed away from the exercise - not exercising for a full month, and eating whatever I wanted - mostly sweets and carbs - total comfort food. My pants are all too tight. I have one pair of jeans that are comfortable. I feel uncomfortable and self-conscious in the majority of my clothes.

That's how I know it's time to make some changes. Well, that and the fact that I peeked at the scale when the nurse weighed me before my appointment last week. I'm just a few pounds away from my heaviest (non-pregnant) weight ever which is not a healthy weight for my height and body type.

So, I've reinstituted a temporary relationship with my scale again. I have a strict rule to only weigh in ONCE per week until I meet my goal weight. I'm not trying to get hung up on numbers, but since things have gotten out of hand, I'm giving myself a tangible goal to work toward. I've joined a fitness challenge with some friends, and I'm feeling motivated.

I also started working out again, and ordered some Jillian Michaels workout DVDs with a gift certificate I had. I bought and prepared some fresh produce for snacks, and I'm packing my lunches for work again. Because it really is about eating right and keeping this body of mine on the move.

So, I'm not beating myself up about anything. I'm just looking forward to improving myself - my body, my noggin, the whole thing.

It won't be long and things will turn around for the better.

I just needed to get back on track.

Weight just a minute now...

So, not too long ago, I decided to break up with my scale.

Nada. No more. Hasta la vista. It's done. We're over. I'm through.

It was causing too many problems. I'd step on it a couple times a day, or at least once every day. I'd freak out over fluctuations in my weight and I'd beat myself up, telling myself things like, "Yep, shouldn't have eaten all that pepperoni pizza. You need more salads!" "Well, if you would have gotten off your lazy butt and gone to the gym this probably wouldn't have happened..." And on and on and on.

Weighing myself constantly had quite the little snowball effect on me because every time I got off that scale, I found it necessary to stop and look in the mirror at critique myself from head to toe.

I'd look in the mirror, see a zit - get up closer in the mirror and notice a wrinkle, and another zit, and holy mackerel when was the last time I got my eyebrows waxed?!?!

I'd get dressed in the morning and analyze my lovely stretch marks and stand sideways to see how far my belly stuck out. I'd notice blemishes, sagging (why, WHY?!?!?), and a little extra chub a dub dub here and there.

I'd try on pants I knew were too small, and I'd get upset that I couldn't fit into them anymore. I'd tell myself I looked frumpy and tired and that I was just letting myself go.

It was exhausting, and it was a real bummer.

But, before I go any further, I must admit that this break-up was not my idea. I was inspired by Summer at Le Musings of Moi. Summer shared her own struggles with weight and body image issues, and stressed the importance of all of us women recognizing that we are beautiful, and we shouldn't let our scales tell us otherwise. She talked about getting rid of her scale because it was torturing her, too.

I thought it sounded like a good idea - I friggin' hated my scale, so why not give it a shot, right?

So, I gave up my scale cold turkey, and I haven't stepped on it since.

I can't even begin to tell you what a difference it has made all around. I mean, shoot! I know that weight fluctuates throughout the day - weighing in each day is ridiculous, and really, it doesn't even matter. I am at a healthy weight, so there was no reason to be obsessing over it. I literally had no reason I needed to be setting foot on that scale. It was almost like I just wanted to torture myself. I don't understand it.

When I ditched the scale and decided to do my very best to look for my beauty instead of my flaws, my confidence in myself changed. A lot.

I got new pants. Pants that fit. I'm not the same lady I was before I had my baby. I have fewer brain cells, a tad less of my sanity intact, and my boobs, butt, hips, thighs and everything else will never be the same again. It's the nature of motherhood.

So, instead of trying to fit into the mold of my pre-baby self (and all the pre-baby clothes that fit that particular mold), I am learning to accept this new body - sags, stretch marks, extra fluff and all. Because I'm fine. I'm fine just the way I am.

I only wear clothes that make me feel good. If it's baggy, or if it's too tight and uncomfortable, I don't wear it.

After ditching the scale, I've found myself wanting to take better care of myself. I have fun fixing up my hair and my makeup, and I can look in the mirror and smile back.

If I go a week without exercising, it's okay because I just do what I can when I can, and I do my best to stay fit. Sometimes my best is once in two weeks, and sometimes my best is three times a week. It just depends.

I let myself enjoy decadent, delicious foods that I love. I just do it in moderation, and I make sure I'm choosing healthy things as well. If I'm choosing, for the most part, to eat healthy and throwing in a few things here and there that are a bit more on the high-calorie side (translation: a bit more on the freakin' delicious side), then that's fine, and there's no reason to beat myself up for enjoying cookies, truffles and Cheetos. There are things I love that I am going to enjoy, and I'm not going to deprive myself of them out of the fear of gaining a little weight.

So scale, to be honest - I don't miss you. I don't miss your stupid numbers, your blinking sign telling me to wait, and your stupid error message when I stepped on you too soon.

I don't miss the never-ending self criticism and low confidence that you encouraged in me.

Scale - you are stupid, you are ugly, and your mother dresses you funny. So there.

(This post is a part of Mama Kat's Thursday Writer's Workshop.)

Beautiful.

As women I think we struggle with body image for most of our lives, and having a kid only compounded those lovely issues for me. Almost a year has gone by since Kaylee was born, and this is still a big struggle for me, one that I struggle with some days more than others.

But, thanks to a video that Summer posted this weekend, I'm hoping that I can really start to shift my way of thinking as I work toward becoming a more healthy me. I'm already trying to exercise more and eat healthier, but it doesn't matter how many times I go to the gym, or how many smart food choices I make. If I don't try and work on my own ideas about my body image, everything else is just a waste of my time.

And let me tell you...it's a heck of a lot harder to make changes in your mind than it is in your body. Ever since I got to really thinking about this topic this weekend, this song keeps popping up in my head.

It's an absolutely beautiful song, and it's got such a strong message. So watch it. Listen to it. Believe what she sings. Because it's true. You ARE beautiful. No matter what.

Stop by tomorrow for more thoughts on this topic.




(I did the post before I realized there was a specific prompt for today's Musical Monday. Hope I don't get kicked out. I just had to post this one...)