Don't Bite the Boob That Feeds You

Dear Kaylee,

My boob is not a chew toy. I mean it, little missy.

Last night I nearly shot through the roof with the excruciating pain that accompanied your attempt to slice off my nipple with your jagged tooth. I know you feel the need to knaw on something, but please - I beg you. Use the cold, wet washcloth that I give you. Use a sock. Use your toes. Use a teething ring, for Pete's sake. Just please, keep your jagged little tooth off of my booby. It still hurts and you bit it over 12 hours ago.

I've been kind enough to open the booby bar 24 hours a day for you. The least you can do in return is NOT BITE THE BOOB THAT FEEDS YOU.

Now, I'm going to have to look this up to verify it, but I'm pretty much 99.99 % positive that my health insurance will not pay to have my nipple surgically reattached if you bite it off. I'm sure the out of pocket cost for such a procedure is not cheap. Your dad and I are not made of money. Not only that, but biting off my nipple will rob your future sibling of the boob, and that's just plain mean of you.

Do you want a cookie? A pony? A puppy? Just tell me what you want, and if you promise never to bite my boob again, it's yours in a heartbeat. Seriously.