What my husband really thinks of me

So, just in case you were ever curious what my husband really thinks of me (let's be honest here - you and I both know that you probably wonder about that - oh, at least 12 times a day, right?) - well, now you've got your answer.

These, my friends, are the six words he uses to describe me. And I've got to be honest with you - I couldn't have picked six more accurate words myself. Truly.

(Ok, so I only would have picked #1, #3, and #6, but that's beside the point...)

1. hilarious
2. beautiful
3. loving
4. generous
5. adorable
6. retarded

Last night I told him I needed him to help me with my blog post for Mama Kat's Thursday Writer's Workshop, and he patiently obliged. I asked him to think of six words that described me. The assignment is to have a loved one describe you in six words and then write about just how well you think they really know you, based on how they described you. I asked him to email me whatever he came up with so I wouldn't have to remember it.

So, within a matter of minutes after making my request, I get a new email. The subject line is something to the effect of "Here's your damn list." Heh, heh, heh.

Allow me to elaborate on what I think of the above list. Let's take it from the top...

#1 : Hilarious. I've got to agree with him on this one. I'm one of those nerds that laughs at myself often. I'm not talking like, "Oh, you need to be able to laugh at your mistakes. Ha, ha, ha." No. I'm talking, I do goofy crap even when it's just me, just because I think it's funny. Take this for example: No one else is in the house but me. I'm in the kitchen, probably looking for food or something, and all of a sudden Beyonce's voice comes booming through the speakers in my living room. Heck YES I bust a move in the middle of the kitchen! I might even sing along and make funny facial expressions as if I myself were Beyonce. Why? Because I'm hilarious. That's why. Dennis probably thinks I'm hilarious because I make him laugh all the dang time. However, I think I make him laugh all dang time because I am #6.

#2 : Beautiful. Awwww. I may not always feel like it myself, but he's always giving me the best compliments. Like this one: "I think you look really pretty without your makeup." Now, if I over think that one too much it might cause me to think something irrational like, "Hmmm, I wonder if that means I look like a dirty pirate hooker (Will Ferrell, Anchorman, people - come on) with my makeup on. Maybe he's trying to tell me something..." But, that would be stupid to think that. Honestly, it's one of my favorite things to hear because I often have to stifle screams in the morning when I get that first look in the mirror after just waking up and having no makeup on.

#3 : Loving. Yep, that's true. Sure, I've got people in my life who irritate the living daylights out of me (those are the people who inspire me to repeat "I love you, but I don't have to LIKE you" over and over in my head), but I'd definitely say that I'm a really loving person. Good call, Dennis. Good call.

#4 : Generous. This one stumps me a bit. In fact, I'm not sure why he picked this word. For instance, I am not generous enough to give him the first bite of pizza (the first bite is the best bite, and it was never meant to be shared). I am not generous enough to let him have my dessert, unless it's a ginormous restaurant dessert that we decide ahead of time to split. I think I scare him sometimes when he messes with my food. You need to understand that I savor my food and enjoy every single bite. I can get a good 6 bites out of a Ghirardelli caramel chocolate square. So, if he so much as takes a little bite out of something I'm really excited to eat, I (pardon my French) go ape shit. Hmmm, what else...I am most definitely not generous with the covers. And, I'm a social worker, so I'm certainly not generous in an Oprah Winfrey give-away-a-freakin'-car-to-everyone-in-the-audience kind of way because us social workers don't exactly blow our noses in hundred dollar bills, if you know what I mean. (If you don't know what I mean, go rent Dumb and Dumber).

#5 : Adorable. Ok, I'll take that one. That one's a nice one. But on second thought, #5 could also be linked to #6.

#6 : Retarded. If you knew me in real life, you'd know that I mean no harm or disrespect in using this word. But, since the majority of you don't know me in real life, I just needed to get that out. This is a little ongoing joke that Dennis and I have. I think I've always been a bit retarded (I am a natural blond), but it got progressively worse when I got knocked up. I truly believe the reason my baby is a miniature genius is because every smart brain cell she now has used to take up residence inside my head. But, while she was in utero, she must have used her crazy fetus powers to teleport all my smart cells into my uterus so she could steal them for herself. Selfish little turd. But it doesn't stop there. Pretty much all the moms I've talked to about this are in agreement that the birth canal is the emergency exit for any smart brain cells that remain after the baby steals the first ones from you during your pregnancy. So, I'm doomed. I now say retarded things like, "Do you hear that smell?" and "When your mom I went to the shoe sleep chicken." Crazy combinations of words come out of my mouth sometimes. They make NO sense at all, and even as I utter the crazy words I myself am stumped as to how I am uttering such strange things. I have no control over it. It's as if some connection in my brain got zapped the very moment I opened my mouth. So, when he says I'm retarded, it's true. I am. But I'm okay with it.

So there you have it. That's me. Retarded, loving, beautiful, generous, adorable little old me...