Tuesday, January 12, 2010

This little piggy went to market, this little piggy went home, and this little piggy went to gym class and became a mean old stealer of parking spaces

It's true. It's really true. Today I stole someone's parking space at the gym. Go ahead and unfollow my blog - I'm a terrible person. This much I know.

We were running late. I hate being late to class. I don't want to miss a minute of the cardio portion of the class, and if I didn't get my butt into class pronto, there would be calories that would never have the opportunity to burn. So sad. Plus, there are never any spots in the far, far away parking lot, waaaay in the back of the gym. It was cold. I had to unload all the crap from the car and then buckle my kid into the stroller. The task before me was not an easy one.

The spot was RIGHT in front of the entrance. As I turned on to the street, I saw the sporty red car backing out, making room for me to park - allowing me to get to class on time. Hallelujah! Had I strained my ears a bit closer to heaven, I am pretty sure I'd have heard the angels singing. A spot at the entrance?!? On a day when I'm LATE? Be still my heart!

Of course, in my mind, as soon as the sporty red car backed out, I staked my claim on that spot. It would be mine!

But, to my dismay, as I approached that stinking gorgeous parking space, I noticed The Red Jeep.

Poor, poor, victimized Red Jeep.

The Red Jeep had its blinker on. A blinker which happened to not only be pointing in the direction of the entrance to the parking lot, but that also happened to be pointing in the direction of my parking space, sent to me straight from the heavenly angels up above. How would I know where she really mean to turn? I pretended she meant to turn into the parking lot and not into the space.

So, I had about 4 seconds to solve my moral dilemma of the century. Do I politely keep driving ahead and let The Red Jeep have the spot, or do I decide to be a mean old selfish hag and take the spot for myself?

Well, to be honest with you, I am not familiar with what it feels like to be a mean old selfish hag, and I thought - What the heck? Today's as good a day as any, right? I wanted to try it out. So I did something I've never before done in my life...I took the spot. For myself. The spot that was clearly not mine because it had a big, fat tag on it that said: This spot belongs to The Red Jeep.

My good old Lutheran guilt got to me a bit, but I tried to tell myself it was no big deal, and I watched as The Red Jeep circled the parking lot.

"Oh, CRAP! Please don't let it be one of the moms in my class!!!" I hoped and prayed.

About 5.6 seconds later, I found out it was most definitely not one of the moms from my class.

I was strapping Kaylee into her stroller as fast as my little fingers could get her in there, hoping against all hope that I could get inside before The Red Jeep lady exited her vehicle. There was no way I was making eye contact if I could help it. I may have been a mean old selfish hag, but I was still ashamed and embarrassed.

All of a sudden, I hear a voice. A voice that is addressing me. The voice from The Red Jeep. Dang it.

She says, "That was really RUDE of you take my space."

Well, reeeer! I felt like saying, "Oh yeah? I didn't see your name on it!" and sticking my tongue out at her. Please - I spend my days with a toddler. Regression is bound to happen at some point. But worry not, I didn't say it, and I didn't even stick my tongue out.

So instead, I sincerely said, "I'm sorry." And then - before I knew it, the words were out of my mouth...

I said sarcastically, "Well, I can pack my kid up in the car and move so you can have it back."

Goodness, me. Where did that come from? From sincere to sarcastic in 2 seconds flat. That's me, people. That's me.

...Me who waits for eons for the old people to scoot across the crosswalk at Wal-Mart.

...Me who will let one or two cars go when no one ahead of me has.

...Me who drives defensively and takes great pride in my safe driver discount.

...Me who has never had a speeding ticket or moving violation in my LIFE.

...Me who is a polite and courteous driver (and by polite and courteous I mean that I don't flip people off. Do I occasionally utter swear words when they cut me off in traffic? Yes, ma'am. But the windows are up, so give me a break).

And just in case I didn't hear her the first time, she took one more opportunity to whine at me about how rude I was and then drove off angrily.

Seriously, I am usually so nice and would never do such a thing - steal a parking space OR smart off like that. To complete and total stranger no less.

But, the woman pissed me off. She actually blocked traffic behind her (preventing anyone else from stealing any other parking spots, I'm sure. What a killjoy!) so that she could stop and inform me that I was rude.

Dude, I know I was rude. I'm nice to strangers 98.6% of the time. I know what I did was wrong. I apologized. Pull up your big girl panties and go find another frickin' parking spot. It is what it is.

Will I steal another parking space? Probably not.

At first, when I thought about it, I considered how fun it was to get chewed out in public and I decided it would probably be awesome if I made a daily habit out of stealing parking spaces.

I'd be like, "What's that, Kaylee? You're tired of Barney and you want to go steal things? I've got just the ticket! Let's go steal parking spaces for the next 3 hours! YES!"

But, just as anyone should do before taking up a new hobby, I decided to google it.

But, after what I found, I'm not sure I should tempt fate, lest my luck run out and eventually I end up like this poor guy - stabbed in the chest with an ice pick for stealing a parking space, or like this poor girl who got knifed in the head, shoulder and arms after she got in a fight with another chick over a parking space.

I guess I'm done trying out this whole mean old selfish hag gig. It's not worth an ice pick to the chest.


hotpants™ said...

I think twice about doing it, but only because people do get killed over such things. Two grown men got into an altercation here recently because one guy parked too close to the other. They had words. One guy went back to his car for his gun, and shot the other man. All of this happened in front of their wives and children. It's crazy how mad people get over such small things.

Ashley said...

Haha I cant believe she stopped to complain to you! Wow.

Molly said...

Sera! How dare you destroy your good girl image?!?
We all love you and for that, must ask you to not steal anymore parking spots. It would be awful to loose you to a ice pick.

(Ok, but now I really want to try it.) :)

Alicia said...

oh my goodness! not the sweet sara i met in vegas?! lol...you rebel! well i'm glad she didn't get all crazy on you!

Jenners said...

Love your post title.

And the stuff you googled and found out? That is the kind of stuff my husband fills my head with ALL THE TIME. I don't do stuff like this out of fear ... not politeness. People are nuts out there.

Deb said...

oh dear. i think maybe you've been hanging around me a little too long. turning on the victim is a classic move of mine.

listen, since we're confessing here, i left the shopping cart at the front of my parking space instead of wheeling it back to the little cart return area. first time in my life i ever did such a thing. but i was underdressed for the cold and tired.

i need to email you because i need to pick your brain about something (something nice, not something criminal. although, it's good to know you might be a good resource on that, too!)

Linda @ My Trendy Tykes said...

I might have to unfollow.....I mean, I am such a nice young (AHEM YOUNG) lady. I would hate to get a bad rep from hanging around a PARKING SPACE STEALER.

Let me think about this.

I need time.

and space

UH OH, don't you even think about stealing my PARKING SPACE. GEEZ!

Oh heck, now I'm feeling quite "bad". Maybe I'll go steal someone's parking space RIGHT.NOW.

(I have to tell hubby to move his car first.)


Rachel said...

This made my day. I can't tell you how many times I have felt the same way. As a fellow rule- follower, I understand the courage it took to take that space. I am proud of you!