Writer's Workshop - the impossibly fun poem

It's that time again. Time for Mama Kat's Thursday Writer's Workshop. I decided to be super brave this week and write a poem. Remember my sorry attempt at a haiku during my very first Writer's Workshop post? I'm won't lie to you. It sucked, and I promise this poem will be way, way better.

First, you need to understand that I'm not a poem kind of girl, and I wasn't sure if it would even be possible for me to actually pull this off. I've always loved writing, but poems are just not my forte. I suck at rhyming and all stuff that poems are made of. But, I like a good challenge, so I chose the prompt about writing a poem. These are the requirements:

Write a 26-line poem using all the letters of the alphabet, where the first line starts with the letter "A," the second "B," the third "C," etc., culminating with the final line starting with "Z."

I sat down and started writing a poem all about baby poop and baby barf and how I hadn't showered in 2 days, and I was pretty impressed with myself for the line that began with the letter F. The preceding lines had been about dealing with said poop and such, and it was high time for an expletive, so the line went like this: "Frick, frick-a-frack, cock-a-doodly-doo." I was too proud of that not to share it with you. Unfortunately, that little piece of genius didn't make the final cut because my poopy, barfy, non-showery poem sucked.

It just wasn't coming together. So, I deleted what I had, took a step back, and decided that I needed to write something that didn't have to do with being a mom or my newest obsession with the Duggars.

So, without further adieu, I present you with my poetic masterpiece...

Alphabet Soup

All things that are chocolate,
Books that aren't true.
Candy and
Daisies, but not
Even the
Flu.
Girly accessories,
Headbands and rings.
I'm talking about all of my favorite things.
Jumpin' Jehosephat - that's fun to say!
Kitty cats,
Lollipops and steak
Marinade.
Norah Jones, but not
Oprah.
Pink stuff and juice.
Quite frankly I even like Dr. Suess.
Randy from Idol and
Seattle Grace.
Try to hurt me and I'll spray you with mace.
Umbrellas in rainstorms and
V-Dubya bugs.
Weddings, my family, and
Xeptional rugs.
Yard sales, and coupons - some sparkly bling.
Zeze are a few of my favorite things.

I think I've created a monster...

Seriously. Someone needs to take my temperature. I think I'm coming down with something.

I DVR'd "Bringing Home Baby Duggar." Do you think it's safe to say that I've officially gone off the deep end? Please, please don't answer that...it was a rhetorical question.

When I started blogging I never imagined that I would suddenly take such an interest in this family. I'm blaming it on Mama Kat because I never blogged about them until she prompted me to write a letter to someone who bothered me, and I happened to choose Michelle Duggar. Click here to read the letter.

Now I just can't stop. The family has always intrigued me and freaked me out a bit, but the more I learn, the more sucked in I get.

I think Michelle is sending out some sort of weird voo doo vibes through the television or something. I don't know.

Anyway, I don't want to overdo it, so I think I'm going to start a "sometimes weekly" slot for my reflections on the Duggars. I am hesitant to say it will be every week because I hate pressure, and that's too much pressure. So, it just depends on if I have material and if I have time. It will be called - Freaky Fridays: Your Weekly Dose of the Duggars or something similar to that anyway.

I'll change it up from week to week so you won't have to constantly be reading these hugely long posts about why the Duggars baffle me. Some weeks we'll have longer commentary, other weeks it'll be quick thoughts, and we'll even throw in a video here and there.

It's going to be crazy, fun times, people. Crazy, fun times. Emphasis on the crazy.

And for my regular readers who are wondering, Miss Kaylee is doing a bit better. Still not 100%, but she's getting better. Last night she was groggy again after throwing up, but we knew she was okay because she was clapping in her sleep. :) Thanks for the well wishes!

Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It - Duggar Style

This week, I'm paying tribute to Josh Duggar - the oldest of the Duggar Family's 856 children. Whey does he deserve a tribute? Because. Because this crazy kid managed to escape and moved out of his family's home when he married Anna.

(Is anyone else as freaked out by the matching polo shirts as much as I am?)

Alright, now that I've paid him tribute, I don't feel so bad about talking some smack. Let's get to it!

So, yesterday I told you all about how Dennis played a very cruel joke on me by actually recording "A Very Duggar Wedding." We all know how I feel about the Duggars. I do think that watching the show may have shown a temporary lapse in sanity on my part. But, from the beginning, I knew it would provide me with some good blogging material, so please sit back, relax and enjoy reading some things I learned by watching this psychotic show.

Let me just add a little disclaimer that we foolishly deleted the episode after watching it, not thinking about the fact that I would need it to gather direct quotes from so that I could accurately report what I watched. I searched far and wide on YouTube and couldn't find what I was looking for, so please don't come after me with baseball bats telling me I misquoted something.

Ok, so let's move on to the interesting tidbits that I gleaned from this family, shall we?

1. There was absolutely no dancing and no alcohol at the reception. This, in itself, doesn't bother me one bit. But, wait until you hear why. The father of the Duggar boy's wife explained: It's because Jesus didn't actually turn water into wine. The word wine actually meant "grape juice," and also - we know that when ladies dance it seduces the men, so it wasn't even a thought in their mind to have dancing.

2. The Bible says a woman's hair is her crowning glory. So, I guess that explains why all the Duggar girls have long hair. God forbid they ask if they could get a hip, stylish bob because that would mean they would be cutting off their crowning glory.


3. Anna was IRONING Josh's clothes on the wedding day. Are ya effin' kidding me? Really? REALLY!?!?!

4. The Duggar boy and his wife did not kiss until they were at the altar. And that is precisely why their engagement only lasted 3 months. (That last sentence is just me drawing a rather obvious conclusion.)

5. They had "chaperones" with them the day of the rehearsal and the day of the wedding so they weren't alone together. Apparently people who are in their 20s and getting married need chaperones because they cannot be trusted to not have sex in a church. On their wedding day. Where any of their 800 million siblings could walk in on them at any time.

6. The chaperone thing wasn't just a one time deal. It was part of the relationship. The entire time. I did my research, people. So, a story that People magazine did about the Duggars explained the "courtship." They met at a home-schooling conference and "kept in touch by phone ever since, including some visits – chaperoned, of course." (Click here for the source, if you don't believe me. ) I have no words for this. No words.

7. Jim Bob (Duggar Daddy - yes, Jim Bob is his real name) takes his son to give him the "Birds and the Bees" talk - on his WEDDING day, and presents him with a Christian DVD all about the wedding night, and a book, complete with illustrations, just so dear sonny boy can figure out "how things work." He actually used the words, "It's kind of like Legos." No. WAY. No way. Of course Josh acted mortified that his dad would provide him with such things and told him, "I think I know how it works." Yeah. You may have sheltered the crap out of your kids, but do you really think he doesn't know how to do the hibbity dibbity? Come on, Jim Bob.

(At this point, my right eye had been completely jabbed out with the butter knife. But, since I still had one eye left, I kept watching - I couldn't turn away)

8. Never once did I see Michelle without a smile. Even when she was crying as her son said his vows, she had her freaky, brainwashed smile plastered on her mullet head.

9. The Duggar kids have a sense of humor. One brother hooked up the brake line to the horn so when they drove off after the wedding, the horn went off every time he hit the brakes. Oh, and they wrapped the car in saran wrap. Duggar boy and wifey were PaHISSED. They were ready to go to the hotel and get busy starting their future family of 86 children. Because Michelle said she would eat them alive if Anna wasn't pregnant for every year of her non-menopausal life.

10. They also committed to each other - in their vows - that they were going to allow God to determine the amount of children they would have as well as the timing of each child. This is why I wish I still had the episode on the DVR. The way the statement was written just sounded so weird and brainwashy. I don't have a problem with people having the religious belief that God will determine the size of their family. Think what you want to. Whatever. But, this girl promised to God (in not so many words) that she wouldn't use birth control or attempt to avoid having kids. Ever. That just seems like a lot of pressure. Say she has one and realizes that she needs a fair amount of time to pass before ever thinking of having another child because it was so difficult and draining. Nope. From the way I understand things, she doesn't have a choice. And, I have a hard time believing that God is actually upset with people who choose to put some space between their kids in order to maintain some semblance of sanity.

*Left eye has been completely jabbed out by this point*

So, Josh Duggar, my hat is off to you for being the first to successfully escape your crazy brainwashing parents. But, I'll take my hat back now because I'm 124% sure that you are going to do the exact same thing to each of your own children. And that scares me. A lot.

Now, go check out Jay and Deb for more Tuesday's Tribute posts, ya hear?

Oooooh, no he didn't...

Yes. Yes, he did.

The following conversation took place this morning at our house:

Dennis: Oh. Hey, hon! Guess what I DVR'd for you?

Me: I don't know. What?

Dennis: Guess.

Me: I don't want to guess. Just tell me.

Dennis: I'll give you a clue. It's about one of your favorite people EVER!

Me: *naively thinking he is being serious, I jog through the possible choices in my head - Brad Pitt, Stephen Colbert, Will Ferrell...* I don't know! Just tell me!

Dennis: I recorded "A Very Duggar Wedding!!!"

Me: You did NOT.

Dennis: Yes, I did. *insert evil grin here*

And, yes, we watched it. Out of pure, morbid curiosity. And it's a good thing I can type without looking at the keys because I jabbed both my eyes out with a butter knife by the time the show ended.

Tune in tomorrow to find out what fun new things I learned about my favorite family ever - The Duggars.

(And if you actually believe they're my favorite family ever, I think you better go read my letter to Michelle Duggar.)

Flying off the handle

God, I hate it when I lose it. And boy did I lose it this morning.

It started last night. I had a stressful day at work. We were operating on a Condition Red which means all the beds were full and people were backed up in the ER waiting to be admitted to the hospital for hours. This puts a huge strain on our department because one of our primary goals is to get patients discharged. Everyone was stretched to the max and freaking out a bit. So I left work and was feeling a bit frazzled.

Then, right after I got off work we met a friend of ours for pizza. After that I had to run to CVS because I had $20 in Extra Care Bucks that expired yesterday, so I had to use them last night or else it would be like throwing away money, and that would have been just ridiculous. So, I shopped and I got 2 Colgate toothpastes, 3 Gillette shampoos for hubby, and a luxurious Vitamin shampoo for myself, spent just 14 cents, and got about $15 in back in Extra Care Bucks to use on future retail therapy. Well worth the trip.

So, by the time I actually got home, it was nearly time for Kaylee to go to bed, which bummed me out. I hadn't had any good, quality one-on-one time with her that day. Here begins my bummed outedeness (I love inventing new words).

I had two sinks of dirty dishes, a dishwasher full of clean dishes that needed to be put away, a load of clothes in the washer (that are still there, by the way, and probably starting to get stinky...) and 3 loads of laundry on the couch that needed to be folded. The kitchen was starting to smell from the chicken guts that were in the trash from when I actually cooked dinner the previous night. The kitchen counter was being overtaken by random stuff.

So much for my new rules of not piling laundry on the couch unless I put it away immediately and the rule of picking up the kitchen nightly to prevent pileups.

I have always struggled with housekeeping, and I give myself no mercy. I lay the guilt trip on myself if things start to get messy, and I tell myself I suck at being a good housewife.

Remember how I spent an entire day cleaning while my mom watched Kaylee for me? Our kitchen, dining room and living room have been CLEAN ever since. I just maintain them daily by picking stuff up, and it's really not so hard.

So, last night I got home, and the last damn thing on my mind was doing anything domestic. I just needed to decompress, so I got on the computer, checked my email and did blog stuff.

Then it was time for bed. I couldn't sleep. I was feeling anxious. I felt like my house was headed for the shitter again because it's just a domino effect around here. Once things start piling up it goes down hill quickly, and before you know it, I will need another all day cleaning fest.

When Dennis came to bed I told him I couldn't sleep and was feeling anxious. I was getting that funny, anxious feeling in my chest and I was trying not to freak out because I didn't want to have an anxiety attack like the one and only one I've ever had, which was 4 days postpartum with Kaylee. It was terrifying. So, I just took some deep, slow breaths and tried to calm down.

I managed to sleep, and then this morning happened.

The house smelled like ass (excuse my French - I'm pissy this morning, and I cuss more when I'm pissy. It's just who I am.) from the damn rotting chicken in the garbage. It's a smell that just permeates the whole house and makes you feel nauseous.

Then I spent the better part of the morning working on getting our dinner ready (we're having crock pot chicken and dumplings tonight - thank God for comfort food), getting Kaylee's food ready for the day, and packing her bag for the babysitter's. By the time all that was done, nearly an hour had gone by, and who wakes up but my little princess.

Crying. And hungry. As she very well should be after sleeping for 11 hours straight. But my hair was wet, dammit! My makeup wasn't on. My favorite jeans that I wanted to wear for casual Friday were frickin' WRINKLED and I didn't have time to iron them (which turned out to be okay because once I put them on and realized how wrinkled they were I also realized how tight they were). Add another thing to my list of frustrations. My damn pants are too tight. Grrrr...

I just couldn't take it. I flew off the handle. I blew up at Dennis. All because he couldn't read my mind and know all the things I wanted help with. Ice Queen had emerged, and apparently there are 6 more weeks of winter because she would NOT go back underground.

I hate it. I HATE it when I get like this. But I just can't keep it together all the time...

Dammit.

Just call me the stain vigilante

A few days ago I sat down at my little computer to share this very cute picture with you.


We had just introduced Kaylee to blueberries, and she was just the cutest little purple mess I'd ever seen in my life.

Then it occurred to me...her new found love of blueberries was going to mean many a ruined outfits unless I put a smock over her and covered every square inch of her hair/skin/face/appendages with plastic wrap or something. And I'm not really crazy about wrapping my kid in plastic wrap just for the sake of saving her clothes - it seems a wee bit risky, if you ask me.

So, in my blueberry post, I made a remark about how the Tide to Go pen was going to become a much bigger part of our lives now, and wouldn't ya know...someone who works with Tide doing PR work emails me. :)

Know what I got in the mail today? A box full of Tide to Go pens. Some are to keep on hand and some are to give away to my readers. (More details on how you can win one of these handy little doo dads as well as a mini motherhood survival kit tomorrow...)

But, before I just start handing these things out like hotcakes, I figured it would probably be a good idea to tell you a little bit about why I love them.

This is what happens to Kaylee's onesies when we let her delve into a full rack of ribs at Chili's. Since we were not at Chili's and since my child was busy crying about her vampire teeth poking her tender little gums, I decided to do a little test. I had to do something to distract myself and to avoid throwing a shoe through my living room window at record speed.

So, here you have it. A barbecue stain on one of Kaylee's perfectly white onesies.

Oh, dear me. What ever will I do? Hmmm, I don't know. Perhaps it's time to bust out a little piece of magic I like to call the Tide to Go Mini.

Yes, you heard me. Mini. Meaning it still packs the same mean punch as the regular Tide to Go pen, except that it's smaller, leaving more room in your purse/diaper bag for other important things, like pieces of chocolate, or a small bottle of vodka.

So, I bust out the pen, press it into the stain, and then basically just color the stain away with the pen. It's so awesome. See for yourself.


You'll notice a little of the bbq sauce color, but I didn't work it in for too long (screaming vampire baby, remember?) So, now we're good to go and I'll just add a little extra pre-treating to it before I wash it. It works great on things like juice, ketchup, bbq sauce, coffee - all the stuff that we usually spill on our clothes at the most inopportune of times.

Dennis is a teacher, and one of my lovely readers who also happens to be a teacher said these things work great for getting coffee stains off the front of shirts.

So, there you have it. My new best friend. The Tide to Go Mini.

Now, if I only I can resist the urge to go purposely stain things in my house, just for an excuse to use my little pen...it's that fun. You know you want one...

Aprons and Tide pens and screaming babies with vampire teeth, oh my!

Sure as shit, today is just going to be one of those days...

So, Kaylee has her bottom 2 teeth in, right? The two top teeth usually come next, right? Well, uh - not so much with my kid. She's got her two little vampire teeth poking through under the gums and they are SHARP. I wish they'd just come through already.

Anyway, I'm officially declaring today Screaming Vampire Baby Day at our house because that is all that's going on around here. Screaming. And screaming. And screaming. I'll be screaming next - anytime now. Poor kiddo is only happy if she's being held, and it's really hard to eat, take a shower and dry my hair while holding a child. Hence the screaming child who cannot be held every waking moment.

In an effort to maintain my sanity and happiness, I am going to tell you about a few happy things that you really need to be aware of.

Let's start off with some giveaway news. Who doesn't love a giveaway, right?

First giveaway: It's week three of Mama Kat's apron giveaway. This week she's featuring aprons from another great seller at etsy.com. This is my favorite apron in her etsy shop. Isn't it cute? I think it definitely has my name written all over it. So, click here to visit Mama Kat and to enter the giveaway for yo bad self.


Second giveaway: Summer at Le Musings of Moi is having one of the coolest giveaways I've ever heard of. It's a care package, carefully selected and prepared by Summer herself. It's got skin care, makeup, a headband, nail polish, and more! It sounds so girly and fun and fantastic. I'm hoping I win that one, too. So, click here to visit Summer and check out her giveaway.

Third giveaway: I'm jumping up and down for joy over this one! Do you remember me telling you about how I was about to embark on a beautiful relationship with a little something called the Tide to Go pen? Well, a certain someone who works with Tide is overnighting me some of these little beauties to give away to my fabulous readers! So, hang on to your hats because that will be happening soon and very soon.

In other news, you need to check out April over at April Showers by clicking here. She was the featured blogger over at SITS yesterday and she's working with me to redesign my blog. I know, I know - I just redid the layout not long ago, but it's just not what I'm looking for, and I'm Photo Shop challenged. She's got lots of orders, so a bit of time will need to pass before the changes are up, but I'm totally excited about it.

Well, please excuse me and my ringing ears as I attempt to pry my squealing child off of me so I can go finish getting ready for my day.

Where's my damn chocolate!?!?