Because I'll need this reminder on the bad days.

Sometimes I feel like I'm such a sucky mom.

The baby just cries and cries some days. She could be teething, needy, tired, hungry, who knows - but on those days when there's a whole lot of crying I just get so frustrated, and I hate what I become.

I ever-so-quickly lose my patience, my negativity takes the wheel, and I basically decide right then and there that it's going to be a bad day. The thing is - it's a choice, and all to often, I intentionally make that choice.

The end of the day comes around, and I realize that an entire day has gone by that I will never get back. I know we all have bad days, I have no desire to be Supermom, and I know I can't possibly have a positive attitude 100% of the time, but when I look back on days like that, it really bums me out that I chose to be so ridiculous.

Something I struggle with all too often is spending time with my baby vs. taking care of household tasks during the day when I'm not working outside the home. I just have a hard time finding a good balance.

So, it's days like today when I'm reminded that everything else in my day may be out of my control, but my attitude is the one thing I can choose to be in control of.

At the moment, my little one is working on her first one year molar - not a fun time. She was pretty fussy this morning, but I decided it was going to be a good day. I also sent up a lot more prayers than I typically have been, so I'm sure that contributed to the better day as well.

Sometimes, I think it's really important to just step back and really take a look at my attitude, my priorities, and my current perspective on things. Because, most of the time, I need to readjust all of the above...

So, today, this is what I've learned:

Being home with my baby part-time is a privilege. Many women out there wish they could be home with their babies and their circumstances do not permit it, so I really need to appreciate each day I'm home with my baby.

She'll have some particularly clingy days, and it may get on my nerves when all she wants to do is to be held, but it means that she's coming to me for comfort and attention because she feels safe with me, she trusts me, and she loves me.

Building towers out of blocks only to have them knocked over 86 times, tickling for belly laughs, listening to the talking tea pot, the singing Leapfrog fridge DJ and the Silly Songs Countdown, along with pushing my kid around in a toy car, reading stories and dancing around the house like a fool are some of my new favorite hobbies.

I may have never-ending laundry, a checkbook that needs to be balanced, emails to answer, hair that hasn't been washed in 2 days, yogurt, bananas, spaghetti and other unidentifiable food smeared on my clothing, but my baby won't be a baby for long. When she's in school, all grown up, and eventually out of my house, I will still have laundry to do, a checkbook to balance, emails to answer, hair to wash, and the occasional food item on my clothing, but my baby won't be readily available to play with and cuddle. She'll be learning about square roots, going to dances, driving a car, and growing up. I need to enjoy her every minute that I can. Right now.

***

Thanks to Sassy Stephanie over at Our Piece of Quiet for regularly reminding me to really enjoy every minute with my baby while I can, even when it's a particularly rough day. :)

Because blowing kisses makes it alright.

So, it's my first week doing Blogversations with Summer, and I'm so excited! Summer is hilarious, and I just love her Blogversations each week. Go check her OUT!

I've finally overcome my technical difficulties, so I'll be playing along this week.

I'm a big believer in baby steps, so this week you get to hear my voice, but you don't get to see me. Instead, you get to see Kaylee. Maybe next week I'll be brave enough to show you my face. If you're lucky. (Are you feelin' lucky... punk?)

You've read my posts where I whine and complain about my messy house and my struggle to keep it clean. Now...well, now maybe you can see part of the reason why.

This load of clean laundry was on the couch, and by the time I went to get the camera it was all on the floor. That's all the time it took. So, I put everything BACK on the couch, and she didn't hesitate to mess it all up again.

Don't you love how she deliberately ignores me, and then gives me a quick look like, "What? Sorry. Can't hear you."

The selective hearing begins so much earlier than I anticipated...

What am I? Chopped liver?

So, my little sweetie has taken the term "Daddy's Girl" up several notches these days...

She's always shown a slight preference for Dennis, and I never had a problem with that. I want them to have a really strong bond. I want for her to always look to her daddy for guidance. To see him as her protector and provider and to know how much he loves her.

He's an absolutely amazing father. The minute he held Kaylee in his arms for the first time it was like he was a different man. It came so naturally. When I freak out, he remains calm. He sticks to his guns. He does what he says he'll do. He sets boundaries with her. He's just an amazing father.

And right now - she likes him better. A lot better, if I'm being totally honest with you. And boy, oh, boy does it ever hurt me to the core.

Before, when she was littler, it was always kind of cute and funny, but the more her personality is starting to come through (and boy does this kid have a dynamic personality - let me tell you...), the more blatant she is in her "not-so-much" attitude toward me.

Last night we read her a bed time story. I held her in my lap. Dennis read the book. Lights out. Music on. Bottle out. And...she's screaming at me, lunging toward her dad, and quiets the instant she's in his arms. So much for a peaceful little rock with me and my baby while she drifts off to La La Land.

This morning Dennis was holding her and she was smiling at me. That's good, right? Well, as he gets ready to go outside to load the car with all her baby paraphernalia for the sitter's, I said, "Oh, I'll hold her while you do that!" thinking I could get in a few minutes with my babe before I had to go to work for the day, too.

Holy fit from HELL! She screamed the moment I began to hold her. She's bawling her little eyes out - tears just rolling down her little face, and she starts banging her head into my chest in all of her little baby anguish.

I'm betting you can guess exactly what she did the minute Dennis came back in and I handed her over.

Instant calm. Instant quiet. Insert a Kaylee smile here.

So, she's happy, she content, and I go to give her a kiss before they leave. Do you know what she did? She moved her whole head back - away from me - and actually turned her cheek so that I could not give her a kiss.

I admit it. I called her a brat. I retreated to my room and the cry fest that began last night after the bed time showdown commenced yet again.

You know the phrase all moms have in their bag of tricks? "After all I've DONE for you?!?! After I carried you for 9 months and gave BIRTH to you and NURSED you and..." Yep. That went through my head. I think it was always ingrained in my head, and not until this moment did it truly emerge.

Dennis and I talked a lot about this last night because never had I struggled with this issue so much. Our consensus is that she is showing a preference for him because she sees him as the more "fun" one. When he gets home, they get to play. He's definitely better at that than me.

Don't get me wrong - I love playing with Kaylee. It's just that I've constantly got this scrolling to-do list in my head. "Balance the check book, make the mortgage payment, start dinner, get Kaylee's food ready for the babysitter's tomorrow, pick out my outfit for tomorrow, throw in a load of laundry..." NEVER. ENDING.

When I'm home with her, it's so hard to ignore all those other things because - well, you've read my posts about how stressed out I get when my house goes to crap. I feel this overwhelming responsibility to keep this house up and running AND spend quality time with my baby.

I told Dennis I feel bad because it seems like I MADE her this way by not playing with her enough. Mommy Guilt? You bet your booty I've got THAT going on right now.

In what appears to be a gift from up above sent at precisely the right time - I've got the next 6 days off of work. Dennis suggested going out and doing things with Kaylee and not worrying about the house stuff. If I'm not at home, I won't be distracted by everything that needs attention.

So, tomorrow, we're heading to the play center at the mall, and we'll do some window shopping. Thursday we're going to story time with our Mommy and Me group, followed by a picnic at the park. Maybe we'll even throw in a play date at some point. Maybe I'll take up drinking. Who knows.

What I do know is this - this week it's all about me and Kaylee. We're going to play. We're going to have fun. And we (ME) are not going to get our undies in a bunch if the house looks like crap.

She's growing up WAY too fast for my liking, and even if she screams and cries and kicks her legs in the process, we're going to have one helluva fun week together.

Whether she likes it or not.

So there.

Flying off the handle

God, I hate it when I lose it. And boy did I lose it this morning.

It started last night. I had a stressful day at work. We were operating on a Condition Red which means all the beds were full and people were backed up in the ER waiting to be admitted to the hospital for hours. This puts a huge strain on our department because one of our primary goals is to get patients discharged. Everyone was stretched to the max and freaking out a bit. So I left work and was feeling a bit frazzled.

Then, right after I got off work we met a friend of ours for pizza. After that I had to run to CVS because I had $20 in Extra Care Bucks that expired yesterday, so I had to use them last night or else it would be like throwing away money, and that would have been just ridiculous. So, I shopped and I got 2 Colgate toothpastes, 3 Gillette shampoos for hubby, and a luxurious Vitamin shampoo for myself, spent just 14 cents, and got about $15 in back in Extra Care Bucks to use on future retail therapy. Well worth the trip.

So, by the time I actually got home, it was nearly time for Kaylee to go to bed, which bummed me out. I hadn't had any good, quality one-on-one time with her that day. Here begins my bummed outedeness (I love inventing new words).

I had two sinks of dirty dishes, a dishwasher full of clean dishes that needed to be put away, a load of clothes in the washer (that are still there, by the way, and probably starting to get stinky...) and 3 loads of laundry on the couch that needed to be folded. The kitchen was starting to smell from the chicken guts that were in the trash from when I actually cooked dinner the previous night. The kitchen counter was being overtaken by random stuff.

So much for my new rules of not piling laundry on the couch unless I put it away immediately and the rule of picking up the kitchen nightly to prevent pileups.

I have always struggled with housekeeping, and I give myself no mercy. I lay the guilt trip on myself if things start to get messy, and I tell myself I suck at being a good housewife.

Remember how I spent an entire day cleaning while my mom watched Kaylee for me? Our kitchen, dining room and living room have been CLEAN ever since. I just maintain them daily by picking stuff up, and it's really not so hard.

So, last night I got home, and the last damn thing on my mind was doing anything domestic. I just needed to decompress, so I got on the computer, checked my email and did blog stuff.

Then it was time for bed. I couldn't sleep. I was feeling anxious. I felt like my house was headed for the shitter again because it's just a domino effect around here. Once things start piling up it goes down hill quickly, and before you know it, I will need another all day cleaning fest.

When Dennis came to bed I told him I couldn't sleep and was feeling anxious. I was getting that funny, anxious feeling in my chest and I was trying not to freak out because I didn't want to have an anxiety attack like the one and only one I've ever had, which was 4 days postpartum with Kaylee. It was terrifying. So, I just took some deep, slow breaths and tried to calm down.

I managed to sleep, and then this morning happened.

The house smelled like ass (excuse my French - I'm pissy this morning, and I cuss more when I'm pissy. It's just who I am.) from the damn rotting chicken in the garbage. It's a smell that just permeates the whole house and makes you feel nauseous.

Then I spent the better part of the morning working on getting our dinner ready (we're having crock pot chicken and dumplings tonight - thank God for comfort food), getting Kaylee's food ready for the day, and packing her bag for the babysitter's. By the time all that was done, nearly an hour had gone by, and who wakes up but my little princess.

Crying. And hungry. As she very well should be after sleeping for 11 hours straight. But my hair was wet, dammit! My makeup wasn't on. My favorite jeans that I wanted to wear for casual Friday were frickin' WRINKLED and I didn't have time to iron them (which turned out to be okay because once I put them on and realized how wrinkled they were I also realized how tight they were). Add another thing to my list of frustrations. My damn pants are too tight. Grrrr...

I just couldn't take it. I flew off the handle. I blew up at Dennis. All because he couldn't read my mind and know all the things I wanted help with. Ice Queen had emerged, and apparently there are 6 more weeks of winter because she would NOT go back underground.

I hate it. I HATE it when I get like this. But I just can't keep it together all the time...

Dammit.

Michael Phelps, the Michelle Duggar wannabe, and a few other things weighin' on my mind...

This week for Mama Kat's Thursday Writer's Workshop, I could have written a poem, told you about a talent I have, shared a lie I told, or - OR - I could choose to do one of my most favorite hobbies - write a list. The list must be made up of ten things that were on my mind this week. That shouldn't be a problem, since the wheels are always turning up in this noggin. So, let's get on with the list, shall we?

Ok.

1. Michael Phelps. What the hell, Michael Phelps? You let someone take a picture of you smoking pot? Your a friggin' celebrity, dude. Have you not heard about Paris Hilton's little snafu? And now you're trying to pass this off as a youthful mistake? You used up your stupid youthful mistakes quota when you got your DUI at age 19. Knock it off, dude. Like you NEED something to give you more of the munchies - you already eat 80 bajillion calories a day and have zero percent body fat (for that I hate you, by the way). Quit being such a cotton-headed ninny muggins, you stupid fool.

2. The lady who had 8 babies at once. Ok, so at first I heard the story and I was all, "WOW. That's so amazing - the babies were all born healthy! What fantastic news - this is such a miracle." Yadda, yadda, yadda. Then I find out she already HAD 6 kids and now she's asking for $2 million before she'll give any interviews and such. Father of the babies - not involved, apparently. Two words, people: NUT CASE. Why are such stupid people allowed to keep having babies? She's on the fast track for the Michelle Duggar plan, I guess...

3. It's great to be done nursing, but I forgot about the fact that I no longer burn 500 - 1,000 calories a day for being a dairy cow. Dammit. My pants are starting to be too tight. Now I actually have to do workouts that make me sweat. Someone pass me a tissue, I'm about to cry...

4. I've been a little nervous that maybe Kaylee will start to walk soon. She is now pulling herself up to a standing position like it's nobody's business. And she crawls faster than her little legs can keep up with sometimes. I think it's only a matter of time until she discovers that there's an even faster way to move. Well, tonight I find out that my husband and his sister each walked at 9 months old. Now, what has become a nagging thought in the back of my mind for the past week has become a potential case of severe heartburn. For Pete's Sake, I'm still trying to child proof my house appropriately for a crawler. God help me, but I'm going to push the kid down (ever so gently) when she stands without support. I will do it. And you will not stop me.

5. What the FRICK is up with all these "tell us 25 things about yourself" facebook tags? Holy jeepers, people. I think I've received 875,326 requests to tell you 25 random things about myself. Everyone and their brother is doing this (well, except me, and my brother now that I think of it - I don't think he's done it...). And I'm not. So keep sending me your requests all you want, but I'm not doing it. Even if a teeny weeny part of myself wants to do it, just because...

6. I continue to think about my decision to stop breastfeeding Kaylee, and I continue to have more confidence that I made the right choice. At the same time, I was a little overwhelmed with all the comments that other women had in response to my post about being done. Holy crap, people. Every comment talked about a struggle with breast feeding in one way or the other. Never in one place have I read so many open and honest struggles with the issue. It has really got me thinking, and in fact - I've gotten a little upset that the issue of breastfeeding induces so much guilt among mothers. Guilt that they don't breastfeed. Guilt that they DID breastfeed, but not long enough. Guilt that they could breastfeed one child and not the other. Promoting breastfeeding is a great and all, but it's become a bit more clear to me that SOMEONE had better start sending out the message that if you don't breastfeed you're not a bad mother, and that if you don't have problems along the way, well then - guess what? You're in the frickin' MINORITY, people. *stepping off that soapbox*

7. I've had the chance to have a few consecutive days off of work, and I'm realizing that I'm beginning to feel more confident and comfortable in my role as a mother. I'm starting to loosen up a bit. I don't worry quite as much about if I'm doing things the right way. I'm having more FUN, and I'm not taking myself so seriously or being as hard on myself. Most of the time.

8. Money. This always seems to be on my mind these days. Whether it's trying to balance the checkbook, pay the bills, figure out new ways to save, clipping coupons, or worrying about not having enough days of work this month, it's always there - always in the back of my mind. Sometimes I wish that it weren't an issue - that it was not something that caused me stress. But, if I had so much money that I wasn't stressed out about money, I think I'd have a whole nother set of issues, and frankly - I think I'd rather worry about not having enough.

9. I've also been wishing that I had more time to catch up on all the shows I have DVR'd. I love that stinkin' machine - I just wish I wasn't so far behind on my shows. And I wish I had a pair of 3-D glasses so I could watch Chuck. It looks funny this week if you're not wearing 3-D glasses. Anyone know where I can get a pair?

10. Ok, so remember my post about cleaning my house all day while my mom watched Kaylee? I got my kitchen, living room and dining room all cleaned? Well, we're approaching 2 weeks of keeping those rooms clean, and I'm still scratching my head about how we're managing to pull it off. I guess it's not so bad when you can just maintain it on a daily basis. I kinda feel like giving myself a quick pat on the back. But then following that pat, I feel like giving myself a swift kick in the pants because I still have 2 bathrooms, 2 bedrooms, an office, a car, and a garage that need cleaning, too. Ahhh, cleaning, shmeaning. Always on my mind...

Takin' care of business

So, I got a crapload of cleaning done today, and - as is evidenced in the background of one of the photos I'll be sharing with you soon- I also managed to watch Grey's Anatomy from last night. Ho. Lee. Cow. Tear-jerker.

I'm so glad Dennis wasn't home - I'm sure he just would have shaken his head at me and thought I was a crazy woman for getting all teary over a fictitious show.

Let me just tell you - it was a fabulous day. I pretty much power cleaned like a mad woman, never adding more than 3 things to my to-do list at a time, and crossing each one off with alternating blue and yellow highlighters as I went along. I will be sharing a picture of my pretty little list with you when I get around to posting the others from my day.

So, I conquered the kitchen, living room, dining room, and part of the master bedroom. I lost track of how many loads of laundry and dishes I did. Anyway, it feels good. My house feels bigger and I didn't realize we had so much floor. Wow.

I've still got a fair amount of organizing to do so that things don't get so out of hand again, but at least for now, things are picked up and are put in bins or boxes, out of site, until I can figure out the best way to store stuff.

It's amazing how a clean(er) house makes you feel more peaceful and relaxed.

I just figured out the self-timer on my camera today, and I couldn't get a picture of me and the apron that didn't make me want to jab my eyes out with a sharp object (actually, to be honest - that's an exaggeration...none of the pictures wanted to make me jab my eyes out - I just wanted to be dramatic) so once I manage to get a pic that I'm semi okay with, I'll be sure to share it with you as well.

Can I also just say that it was really nice to have a day to myself? It was refreshing and even somewhat rejuvenating. By the time Dennis and I went to pick up Kaylee, we were literally racing to the front door of my Mom and Dad's house to see who could get to her first. (He is bigger and stronger than me, so he won).

I was so excited to see my little peanut! And she had a wonderful day playing with her grandparents. It was good for both of us.

Well, as much as I would love to stay and chat, I have the honor and privilege of going to work tomorrow - on a Saturday - (it's really not that bad - I just like to moan and groan about it at every chance I get because I really would much rather be home with my little familia), and so it's time to go read my Twilight book and then pay a visit to Mr. Sandman.

I'll post pictures of the day as soon as I can.

Possibly tomorrow.

If you're lucky.

Oh, what ever will I do?

Psssst...

Guess what?!?!

Tommorrow my mom is taking the day off work and watching Kaylee for me so I can have a chance to watch the episodes of Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy that I DVR'd tonight.

Wait, scratch that! I did not just say that!

She's watching Kaylee so I can get some stuff DONE around here tomorrow. Like the laundry, the dishes, blah, blah, blah. Plus, she needs some Kaylee time, and I had a helluva day yesterday, so it's really a win-win situation.

I'll be sporting my brand new, very first apron, just so I feel all domestic-like. Ha ha ha. I might even take a picture of it so you can see how sweet it is. My BFF found it hiding behind some other ridiculously ugly aprons at Ross, and I scored it for something crazy like 6 bucks. It's awesome. You're going to be jealous.

So, anyway, head on over here at some point on Friday so you can find out what I really did with my time.

Only time will tell...

Things I Could Be Doing Right Now...

I realize that by posting what I am about to post, I run the risk of you all thinking I'm a major slob. But, if you think that, then poo poo on you because, if you're a mom, I'm venturing a guess that your house has looked like this at some point, too. If not, then, please - by all means - lend me your supermom cape for the day. I promise I'm not a slob. Hopefully you'll see these pictures and not feel so bad about your own little messes. Or, if your house happens to be clean right now, pat yourself on the back until 6 o'clock tonight when it's a mess again.

Kaylee decided 5 a.m. would be a grand time to wake up this morning. Then she proceeded to fuss for 2 hours straight. Fun times, people. Now, this is what she's up to...

*insert Hallelujah chorus here*

So, it's officially nap time at our house, and there are a few things I could be doing right now - like...

1. Taking a shower
(oooh, or scrubbing soap scum off shower walls....)

2. Picking up the kitchen


3. Folding this laundry


4. Washing the stack of dirty cloth diapers that are inside this Diaper Genie, and that are now starting to pile on top of the Diaper Genie


5. Cleaning the living room


Nahhh. That would have been the old me - the one that had not yet learned the lesson of why God provides mamas with baby naps...the girl who thought that nap time meant "productivity time" and power cleaned like a mad woman. Yes, I could have gotten a lot done around the house, but that's not what I needed to be doing. Ya see, those messes will be there all day. That's a fact.

BUT! These moments of quiet tranquility could end at any given moment, so I'm going to savor them. I'm going to use nap time for what I believe God intended nap time to be. ME TIME. I need my quiet time - my time to sit back, relax and do something for myself. I can clean the house later when Kaylee is awake and playing in her jumperoo or something.

For now, I'm going to eat my Fiber One bar, toss back a cold glass of water, and do a little blog hopping. In my pajamas. And I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Not one bit. So there.