What am I? Chopped liver?

So, my little sweetie has taken the term "Daddy's Girl" up several notches these days...

She's always shown a slight preference for Dennis, and I never had a problem with that. I want them to have a really strong bond. I want for her to always look to her daddy for guidance. To see him as her protector and provider and to know how much he loves her.

He's an absolutely amazing father. The minute he held Kaylee in his arms for the first time it was like he was a different man. It came so naturally. When I freak out, he remains calm. He sticks to his guns. He does what he says he'll do. He sets boundaries with her. He's just an amazing father.

And right now - she likes him better. A lot better, if I'm being totally honest with you. And boy, oh, boy does it ever hurt me to the core.

Before, when she was littler, it was always kind of cute and funny, but the more her personality is starting to come through (and boy does this kid have a dynamic personality - let me tell you...), the more blatant she is in her "not-so-much" attitude toward me.

Last night we read her a bed time story. I held her in my lap. Dennis read the book. Lights out. Music on. Bottle out. And...she's screaming at me, lunging toward her dad, and quiets the instant she's in his arms. So much for a peaceful little rock with me and my baby while she drifts off to La La Land.

This morning Dennis was holding her and she was smiling at me. That's good, right? Well, as he gets ready to go outside to load the car with all her baby paraphernalia for the sitter's, I said, "Oh, I'll hold her while you do that!" thinking I could get in a few minutes with my babe before I had to go to work for the day, too.

Holy fit from HELL! She screamed the moment I began to hold her. She's bawling her little eyes out - tears just rolling down her little face, and she starts banging her head into my chest in all of her little baby anguish.

I'm betting you can guess exactly what she did the minute Dennis came back in and I handed her over.

Instant calm. Instant quiet. Insert a Kaylee smile here.

So, she's happy, she content, and I go to give her a kiss before they leave. Do you know what she did? She moved her whole head back - away from me - and actually turned her cheek so that I could not give her a kiss.

I admit it. I called her a brat. I retreated to my room and the cry fest that began last night after the bed time showdown commenced yet again.

You know the phrase all moms have in their bag of tricks? "After all I've DONE for you?!?! After I carried you for 9 months and gave BIRTH to you and NURSED you and..." Yep. That went through my head. I think it was always ingrained in my head, and not until this moment did it truly emerge.

Dennis and I talked a lot about this last night because never had I struggled with this issue so much. Our consensus is that she is showing a preference for him because she sees him as the more "fun" one. When he gets home, they get to play. He's definitely better at that than me.

Don't get me wrong - I love playing with Kaylee. It's just that I've constantly got this scrolling to-do list in my head. "Balance the check book, make the mortgage payment, start dinner, get Kaylee's food ready for the babysitter's tomorrow, pick out my outfit for tomorrow, throw in a load of laundry..." NEVER. ENDING.

When I'm home with her, it's so hard to ignore all those other things because - well, you've read my posts about how stressed out I get when my house goes to crap. I feel this overwhelming responsibility to keep this house up and running AND spend quality time with my baby.

I told Dennis I feel bad because it seems like I MADE her this way by not playing with her enough. Mommy Guilt? You bet your booty I've got THAT going on right now.

In what appears to be a gift from up above sent at precisely the right time - I've got the next 6 days off of work. Dennis suggested going out and doing things with Kaylee and not worrying about the house stuff. If I'm not at home, I won't be distracted by everything that needs attention.

So, tomorrow, we're heading to the play center at the mall, and we'll do some window shopping. Thursday we're going to story time with our Mommy and Me group, followed by a picnic at the park. Maybe we'll even throw in a play date at some point. Maybe I'll take up drinking. Who knows.

What I do know is this - this week it's all about me and Kaylee. We're going to play. We're going to have fun. And we (ME) are not going to get our undies in a bunch if the house looks like crap.

She's growing up WAY too fast for my liking, and even if she screams and cries and kicks her legs in the process, we're going to have one helluva fun week together.

Whether she likes it or not.

So there.

I've come a long way, baby

It's been a big year for me.

The biggest thing that's happened for me in the past year was welcoming sweet Kaylee into the world. She's going to be ONE next month - a concept I still can't wrap my head around.

I've learned a crap load of things about myself since becoming a mom. There's things I can do now that I could never do before, and believe it or not - a handful of these things actually have nothing to do with being a mom.

After Kaylee was born, I doubted myself so much, especially in those first few weeks. I had a really hard time making the adjustment from being just a wife to being a wife and a mother.

But, this past year, my confidence has grown a lot. I think it started when I realized that I can't be a "perfect" mother. I had to face it - Kaylee wouldn't always get a bath every day, a hot, home cooked meal was not always going to be on the table, I wouldn't get to shower every day, and there would not be one single day of my life since the day my baby was born that my entire house would be clean.

Go ahead and insert a big sigh right about here.

Finally realizing that I couldn't live up to my idea of the perfect mother/wife was directly related to a boost in my self-esteem (don't get me wrong - there are still plenty of days when my confidence goes down the crapper...) While I was becoming more confident in my role as a mother, my confidence starting growing in other areas of my life as well.

A year ago, there were so many things I just simply couldn't do.

I couldn't establish and stick to a strict budget without buying "little things" here and there that we may or may not have needed. Now I can.

I couldn't sit on the toilet and pee, while holding a child and talking on my cell phone - all at the same time. Now I can.

I couldn't imagine what it would actually look like to have my living room floor covered in ripped up tissue in a matter of seconds. Now I can.

I couldn't talk on the phone while wiping someone's ass. Now I can totally do that.

I couldn't spend less than about $100 on groceries in a week. Now I can.

I couldn't fit into my favorite pants. Now I can!

I couldn't imagine letting my child sit in front of the TV for 30 minutes (ok - 45 sometimes...) before she was even a year old, just so I could have some peace and quiet. Now I can.

I couldn't walk in to a patient's room at my job and ask them to talk to me about why they wanted to end their life. It was too scary for me, and I just couldn't do it. Now I can.

I couldn't understand why some moms yelled at their kids in the grocery store. Now I can.

I couldn't look at a tiny little turd and even think about just fishing it out of water bare handed - no way in heck, dude! But that changes when you run the risk of your kid eating that little turd. No way I could have done it a year ago. Now I can.

I've come a long way, baby.

I'm a proud, money-savin', butt-wipin', waist-shrinkin', domestically disabled, barehanded turd-wranglin' mom who loses my patience more than I wish I did, and who lets her baby watch TV.

But, I can hold my baby and talk on the cell phone while I pee, so that makes up for everything else, because there's probably a lot of people out there who couldn't do that even if they tried.

This has been another Thursday Writer's Workshop post - made possible by the lovely and talented Mama Kat from Mama's Losin' It.

Michael Phelps, the Michelle Duggar wannabe, and a few other things weighin' on my mind...

This week for Mama Kat's Thursday Writer's Workshop, I could have written a poem, told you about a talent I have, shared a lie I told, or - OR - I could choose to do one of my most favorite hobbies - write a list. The list must be made up of ten things that were on my mind this week. That shouldn't be a problem, since the wheels are always turning up in this noggin. So, let's get on with the list, shall we?

Ok.

1. Michael Phelps. What the hell, Michael Phelps? You let someone take a picture of you smoking pot? Your a friggin' celebrity, dude. Have you not heard about Paris Hilton's little snafu? And now you're trying to pass this off as a youthful mistake? You used up your stupid youthful mistakes quota when you got your DUI at age 19. Knock it off, dude. Like you NEED something to give you more of the munchies - you already eat 80 bajillion calories a day and have zero percent body fat (for that I hate you, by the way). Quit being such a cotton-headed ninny muggins, you stupid fool.

2. The lady who had 8 babies at once. Ok, so at first I heard the story and I was all, "WOW. That's so amazing - the babies were all born healthy! What fantastic news - this is such a miracle." Yadda, yadda, yadda. Then I find out she already HAD 6 kids and now she's asking for $2 million before she'll give any interviews and such. Father of the babies - not involved, apparently. Two words, people: NUT CASE. Why are such stupid people allowed to keep having babies? She's on the fast track for the Michelle Duggar plan, I guess...

3. It's great to be done nursing, but I forgot about the fact that I no longer burn 500 - 1,000 calories a day for being a dairy cow. Dammit. My pants are starting to be too tight. Now I actually have to do workouts that make me sweat. Someone pass me a tissue, I'm about to cry...

4. I've been a little nervous that maybe Kaylee will start to walk soon. She is now pulling herself up to a standing position like it's nobody's business. And she crawls faster than her little legs can keep up with sometimes. I think it's only a matter of time until she discovers that there's an even faster way to move. Well, tonight I find out that my husband and his sister each walked at 9 months old. Now, what has become a nagging thought in the back of my mind for the past week has become a potential case of severe heartburn. For Pete's Sake, I'm still trying to child proof my house appropriately for a crawler. God help me, but I'm going to push the kid down (ever so gently) when she stands without support. I will do it. And you will not stop me.

5. What the FRICK is up with all these "tell us 25 things about yourself" facebook tags? Holy jeepers, people. I think I've received 875,326 requests to tell you 25 random things about myself. Everyone and their brother is doing this (well, except me, and my brother now that I think of it - I don't think he's done it...). And I'm not. So keep sending me your requests all you want, but I'm not doing it. Even if a teeny weeny part of myself wants to do it, just because...

6. I continue to think about my decision to stop breastfeeding Kaylee, and I continue to have more confidence that I made the right choice. At the same time, I was a little overwhelmed with all the comments that other women had in response to my post about being done. Holy crap, people. Every comment talked about a struggle with breast feeding in one way or the other. Never in one place have I read so many open and honest struggles with the issue. It has really got me thinking, and in fact - I've gotten a little upset that the issue of breastfeeding induces so much guilt among mothers. Guilt that they don't breastfeed. Guilt that they DID breastfeed, but not long enough. Guilt that they could breastfeed one child and not the other. Promoting breastfeeding is a great and all, but it's become a bit more clear to me that SOMEONE had better start sending out the message that if you don't breastfeed you're not a bad mother, and that if you don't have problems along the way, well then - guess what? You're in the frickin' MINORITY, people. *stepping off that soapbox*

7. I've had the chance to have a few consecutive days off of work, and I'm realizing that I'm beginning to feel more confident and comfortable in my role as a mother. I'm starting to loosen up a bit. I don't worry quite as much about if I'm doing things the right way. I'm having more FUN, and I'm not taking myself so seriously or being as hard on myself. Most of the time.

8. Money. This always seems to be on my mind these days. Whether it's trying to balance the checkbook, pay the bills, figure out new ways to save, clipping coupons, or worrying about not having enough days of work this month, it's always there - always in the back of my mind. Sometimes I wish that it weren't an issue - that it was not something that caused me stress. But, if I had so much money that I wasn't stressed out about money, I think I'd have a whole nother set of issues, and frankly - I think I'd rather worry about not having enough.

9. I've also been wishing that I had more time to catch up on all the shows I have DVR'd. I love that stinkin' machine - I just wish I wasn't so far behind on my shows. And I wish I had a pair of 3-D glasses so I could watch Chuck. It looks funny this week if you're not wearing 3-D glasses. Anyone know where I can get a pair?

10. Ok, so remember my post about cleaning my house all day while my mom watched Kaylee? I got my kitchen, living room and dining room all cleaned? Well, we're approaching 2 weeks of keeping those rooms clean, and I'm still scratching my head about how we're managing to pull it off. I guess it's not so bad when you can just maintain it on a daily basis. I kinda feel like giving myself a quick pat on the back. But then following that pat, I feel like giving myself a swift kick in the pants because I still have 2 bathrooms, 2 bedrooms, an office, a car, and a garage that need cleaning, too. Ahhh, cleaning, shmeaning. Always on my mind...

Armageddon is nowhere in sight, and a reflection on the newborn days

So, remember when I told you Kaylee's new sleeping habits may just be a hint that Armageddon was coming? Well, now I know that it most definitely is NOT.

We had two good nights.

The first night she slept for 9 hours and 45 minutes. Night # 2 was about 8 hours or so. And, last night we were back to the midnight wakeup call.

And wouldn't you know - each night she slept so well I went to bed by 9 to prepare myself in case she woke up multiple times. And she didn't. Last night I stayed up until the absolutely insane hour of 11 o'clock (oh, dear me!). I had trouble falling asleep, and just as I was dozing off at approximately 11:49, she starts crying.

I gave her a couple minutes because sometimes she just cries for a short bit and then goes back down. Not last night.

So, as I logged more rocking miles on the glider, I reminisced back to Kaylee's newborn days. I really struggled a lot then, and suddenly I recalled a conversation that I had with my mom.

Sleep was not a regular part of my life at that point, and it was really taking a toll on me. I was experiencing a fair amount of mommy guilt as well, and I felt the need to share it with my mom. At the time, I felt I was taking a risk by admitting my true struggle to her.

I remember telling her, "Mom, I feel so bad because I'd rather keep sleeping than get up to comfort Kaylee."

Man, I felt like an ass. I was so selfish, right? Wanting to sleep, wanting to put my needs above my child's, playing the tug of war between my pillow and the sweet babe in the Pack 'N Play at the end of my bed. I was seriously afraid my mom would think I was a bad mom (well, I know she wouldn't think that of me, but it's how I thought at the time).

Now I think back to that very feeling that made me feel so crappy. That feeling still exists sometimes, but I've lost much of the guilt over it.

Fortunately, I've accumulated enough sleep (and popped enough ABP's) to realize that it's okay to want to sleep instead of getting up with the baby. It doesn't mean I love her any less! I'll always want to comfort her and make her feel better when she's crying (and you better believe I'll always want to kick anyone's ass if they ever make her cry), but when I'm tired and I feel like staying in bed instead of getting up to rock her back to sleep, that's okay.

I'll eventually get my butt out of bed and stumble into the nursery to make her feel better (or I'll send Dennis in).

But, it's just one of those things that has taken me a good 8 months to realize that it's not worth feeling guilty about. It's not a bad thing to want sleep. And I want sleep. I want 8 hours of sleep. Every night. Really bad.