As part of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop, I'm writing a letter to someone who bothers me.
Who is the lucky recipient of my letter, you ask?
In case you live under a rock, that's Michelle Duggar, wife to Jim Bob Duggar, mother to EIGHTEEN children, and I've been wanting to talk to her for quite some time now. I've finally been given the opportunity to share my thoughts with this famous baby mama (thank you, Mama Kat), so I'm hoping Michelle will take some time out of her busy (Get it? Busy? 18 kids? Busy? Never mind...) life to respond to my questions.
Yo. Hey, first, I just want to tell you that I really appreciate you taking a short break from procreating in order to read my letter. I mean, I don't mean to crimp your style (that wasn't a hair joke - your hair is ........ lovely?), but to be honest, you bother me a little bit.
I'm concerned about you. You have 18 children. Were you aware of that? I mean, if you weren't aware of that I'm not blaming you or criticizing you or anything. I mean, shoot - I'd have lost track of them by now. I realize that back in the day, people had lots of kids. People who had 18 kids probably didn't even get a second glance when people walked past them on the cobblestone roads in their horse-drawn carriages - all 18 kids in tow.
Now it's not so common, and consequently, you've become quite an iconic family in America. People are fascinated by you. I mean, here you are - over 40, you're popping out babies left and right, and you haven't demanded that your husband get the old snippety snip yet. In fact, I've read that he says that the decision of whether to have more children is up to you since you're the one who has to carry them and labor through the births. Nice guy. He's considerate.
And you're a little bit of a crazy person. Again, not trying to criticize. I mean, shoot - I was a little bit of a crazy person after I had my first (and only, and will be the only for up to five years, thanks to a handy dandy little device called Mirena - you should really google that and maybe get one for yourself, dearie. On behalf of your hoo ha, I think you need to give it a rest for a while. Seriously.). But, it wasn't anything that a few anti-depressants (fondly known as ABP's at our house) couldn't handle.
You're a mom of many children, so surely you've heard of John and Kate Plus 8, Michelle, haven't you? Kate is real. She has 8 children, and she's not afraid to show that she's a little bit (a LOT bit) frazzled and a little bit crazy. She snaps at her husband and gets mad at her kids and loses her patience. She has less than half the amount of children than you have, lady, and half the time I think she's barely holding it together.
You, on the other hand, obviously love to shake, rattle, and roll, but it appears that you never get shaken or rattled - you act like you have it together all the time. Oh, and you know what? You pretty much freak me out with your constant smiling in public. I've never seen you lose your cool or act like you're stressed out. You just seem to have this weird alien-ish zoned out freaky smile thing going on.
Maybe you can just clear this up for me. I'm thinking one of two things is going on. Mind if I share my theories with you, Michelle?
One - you are not actually a human. You're...some type of robot woman, kind of like the one they made up on Weird Science, only after having 18 kids I'm sure your boobs aren't quite as perky. So, that's my first theory - you're an alien/robot/non-human lady.
Two - you are hooked up to a constant IV drip of Ativan, Xanax, Zoloft, or some combination of several anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications. I don't even know if those things come in IV's, but if I were you, I think I'd demand an IV hook up. In fact, I'd demand that I have one of those buttons that I'm in control of, so I can get the drugs any time I need them, which - if I were you - would be ALL. THE. TIME.
So, allow me to get back to Kate of Jon and Kate Plus 8 for a minute. So, she's got 8 kids, but her and her husband make it a point to spend time with each of the children individually. I'm certainly not saying you don't love your kids. I don't doubt that you love them immensely, but don't they get lost in the shuffle?
You and Jim Bob decided it would be appropriate to announce to your 17 children that you were expecting #18 while you were on The Today Show. No pressure for them to put on a happy face about the news, eh? Anyway, msnbc.com posted a story about your appearance. Here's a direct quote from the story:
"With so many children, there is a sign-up list in the kitchen for children who feel they need one-on-one time with a parent."
I'm sorry. Did I misunderstand that? An effing sign-up list? This, lady, is why you bother me. What are you teaching your children?!? Does a 7-year-old really know what it means to sign his name on a list - scratch that - WAITING list with 17 other kids on it just so he can have some alone time with his mom or dad? Give me a break. So, your kids decide when they need to spend alone time with you, and not the other way around. Wow. Just WOW. The day you decided it was time for a sign-up sheet for one-on-one time was the day you probably should have busted out a Trojan.
Anyway, back to your kids. What do they think of having 80 bajillion sibs? It kind of seems like rather than having a house full of kids you have a house full of miniature parents raising each other.
Ay yi yi, Michelle. It sounds to me like some of your kids are missing out on their childhoods.
And speaking of what your kids think, your oldest son just got hitched. Good for him. I'm just taking a gander that he'll probably have a child or two (or eighty-six) of his own in the near future. What do you think he'll think if you keep having more babies?
In this day and age, when people's grandmas are having babies ON PURPOSE that's just a little, oh, I don't know - WEIRD?
I don't know, Michelle. What else can I say to you? You've already had people make jokes that your bajingo is not a clown car, people make fun of the fact that you dress your teenage daughters in the same plaid dresses as you, and your hair appears to be the nesting ground for a flock of geese, but you just don't seem to care.
Maybe I should be applauding you for all of those things. You just don't care, do you? You just want to keep having babies. And that's all well and good, except that maybe 18 is an appropriate number to say that enough is enough. Maybe it's time to give it a rest and do what other people your age are starting to do...like - oh, I don't know - becoming grandparents, or oh - I don't know, having sex for reasons other than procreation? People DO that, Michelle. It's not just for baby makin'.
Honey, it's a natural part of life to eventually QUIT having babies and start watching your kids raise their OWN babies. Really. I'm not even lying. It's true. People do it. You should try it. Or, at least try this, or this, or this (Hey, it's a free sample! How can you pass that up?). Please?
Oh! Oh. I'll, uh, let you go. I think I hear Jim Bob calling for you. Something about he's got a Barry White CD and a onesie he picked out for the baby you're going to have in 9 months? Maybe I misunderstood him. Anyway, I'll be looking forward to hearing from you soon.
Sera (who thinks life with one baby is enough craziness for at least a couple more years)