Thursday, January 29, 2009

Not diggin' this Duggar

As part of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop, I'm writing a letter to someone who bothers me.

Who is the lucky recipient of my letter, you ask?

In case you live under a rock, that's Michelle Duggar, wife to Jim Bob Duggar, mother to EIGHTEEN children, and I've been wanting to talk to her for quite some time now. I've finally been given the opportunity to share my thoughts with this famous baby mama (thank you, Mama Kat), so I'm hoping Michelle will take some time out of her busy (Get it? Busy? 18 kids? Busy? Never mind...) life to respond to my questions.

Dear Michelle,

Yo. Hey, first, I just want to tell you that I really appreciate you taking a short break from procreating in order to read my letter. I mean, I don't mean to crimp your style (that wasn't a hair joke - your hair is ........ lovely?), but to be honest, you bother me a little bit.

I'm concerned about you. You have 18 children. Were you aware of that? I mean, if you weren't aware of that I'm not blaming you or criticizing you or anything. I mean, shoot - I'd have lost track of them by now. I realize that back in the day, people had lots of kids. People who had 18 kids probably didn't even get a second glance when people walked past them on the cobblestone roads in their horse-drawn carriages - all 18 kids in tow.

Now it's not so common, and consequently, you've become quite an iconic family in America. People are fascinated by you. I mean, here you are - over 40, you're popping out babies left and right, and you haven't demanded that your husband get the old snippety snip yet. In fact, I've read that he says that the decision of whether to have more children is up to you since you're the one who has to carry them and labor through the births. Nice guy. He's considerate.

And you're a little bit of a crazy person. Again, not trying to criticize. I mean, shoot - I was a little bit of a crazy person after I had my first (and only, and will be the only for up to five years, thanks to a handy dandy little device called Mirena - you should really google that and maybe get one for yourself, dearie. On behalf of your hoo ha, I think you need to give it a rest for a while. Seriously.). But, it wasn't anything that a few anti-depressants (fondly known as ABP's at our house) couldn't handle.

You're a mom of many children, so surely you've heard of John and Kate Plus 8, Michelle, haven't you? Kate is real. She has 8 children, and she's not afraid to show that she's a little bit (a LOT bit) frazzled and a little bit crazy. She snaps at her husband and gets mad at her kids and loses her patience. She has less than half the amount of children than you have, lady, and half the time I think she's barely holding it together.

You, on the other hand, obviously love to shake, rattle, and roll, but it appears that you never get shaken or rattled - you act like you have it together all the time. Oh, and you know what? You pretty much freak me out with your constant smiling in public. I've never seen you lose your cool or act like you're stressed out. You just seem to have this weird alien-ish zoned out freaky smile thing going on.

Maybe you can just clear this up for me. I'm thinking one of two things is going on. Mind if I share my theories with you, Michelle?

One - you are not actually a human. You're...some type of robot woman, kind of like the one they made up on Weird Science, only after having 18 kids I'm sure your boobs aren't quite as perky. So, that's my first theory - you're an alien/robot/non-human lady.

Two - you are hooked up to a constant IV drip of Ativan, Xanax, Zoloft, or some combination of several anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications. I don't even know if those things come in IV's, but if I were you, I think I'd demand an IV hook up. In fact, I'd demand that I have one of those buttons that I'm in control of, so I can get the drugs any time I need them, which - if I were you - would be ALL. THE. TIME.

So, allow me to get back to Kate of Jon and Kate Plus 8 for a minute. So, she's got 8 kids, but her and her husband make it a point to spend time with each of the children individually. I'm certainly not saying you don't love your kids. I don't doubt that you love them immensely, but don't they get lost in the shuffle?

You and Jim Bob decided it would be appropriate to announce to your 17 children that you were expecting #18 while you were on The Today Show. No pressure for them to put on a happy face about the news, eh? Anyway, posted a story about your appearance. Here's a direct quote from the story:

"With so many children, there is a sign-up list in the kitchen for children who feel they need one-on-one time with a parent."

I'm sorry. Did I misunderstand that? An effing sign-up list? This, lady, is why you bother me. What are you teaching your children?!? Does a 7-year-old really know what it means to sign his name on a list - scratch that - WAITING list with 17 other kids on it just so he can have some alone time with his mom or dad? Give me a break. So, your kids decide when they need to spend alone time with you, and not the other way around. Wow. Just WOW. The day you decided it was time for a sign-up sheet for one-on-one time was the day you probably should have busted out a Trojan.

Anyway, back to your kids. What do they think of having 80 bajillion sibs? It kind of seems like rather than having a house full of kids you have a house full of miniature parents raising each other.

Ay yi yi, Michelle. It sounds to me like some of your kids are missing out on their childhoods.

And speaking of what your kids think, your oldest son just got hitched. Good for him. I'm just taking a gander that he'll probably have a child or two (or eighty-six) of his own in the near future. What do you think he'll think if you keep having more babies?

In this day and age, when people's grandmas are having babies ON PURPOSE that's just a little, oh, I don't know - WEIRD?

I don't know, Michelle. What else can I say to you? You've already had people make jokes that your bajingo is not a clown car, people make fun of the fact that you dress your teenage daughters in the same plaid dresses as you, and your hair appears to be the nesting ground for a flock of geese, but you just don't seem to care.

Maybe I should be applauding you for all of those things. You just don't care, do you? You just want to keep having babies. And that's all well and good, except that maybe 18 is an appropriate number to say that enough is enough. Maybe it's time to give it a rest and do what other people your age are starting to - oh, I don't know - becoming grandparents, or oh - I don't know, having sex for reasons other than procreation? People DO that, Michelle. It's not just for baby makin'.

Honey, it's a natural part of life to eventually QUIT having babies and start watching your kids raise their OWN babies. Really. I'm not even lying. It's true. People do it. You should try it. Or, at least try this, or this, or this (Hey, it's a free sample! How can you pass that up?). Please?

Oh! Oh. I'll, uh, let you go. I think I hear Jim Bob calling for you. Something about he's got a Barry White CD and a onesie he picked out for the baby you're going to have in 9 months? Maybe I misunderstood him. Anyway, I'll be looking forward to hearing from you soon.


Sera (who thinks life with one baby is enough craziness for at least a couple more years)


Anonymous said...

That woman is terrifying to me. I am completely afraid of her so when the show comes on, I change the channel as fast as is humanly possible.

Astharis said...

(Came over from Mama Kat's Workshop) :)

I don't know how some women count with more than two kids, let alone 18?! That's just insane, and I feel really bad for the children. I know that when I have children myself, I want to make it a priority that I spend quality time with them, but in this instant, there really mustn't be enough time for that.

This lady is more than a little insane!

Sera said...

She terrifies me, too!I tried watching the show once (must have been a momentary lapse in my sanity...) and I had to turn it off before I barfed. They were watching this mother duck and the little ducklings, and she's like, "Look children. Look at the baby ducks. Look at how they obey their mother." F-R-E-A-K-Y.

Dennis said...

That lady's hawt. I can see why Jim Bob can't keep off of that. Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

Sera said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sera said...

Meet my husband, ladies and gentlemen. :)

melanie @ don't expect much said...

Somebody seriously needs to glue this woman's legs shut... Loved Dennis' comment! LOL

Al and Ruth and Noelle said...

We don't have cable, so I've never seen the show, but I have to admit I'm dying of curiosity! I actually happened to see the Today show when they made their big announcement and I felt SO SORRY for their kids having to take news like that along with the entire freaking country! The waiting list is just too much.

I know they say that they're going to let God decide how many kids they have, but God doesn't always hand these decisions down in the form of infertility - he did give us brains and lots of varieties of birth control and if all that fails, there is this little thing called SELF control. Ugh. I could go on and on, but will stop there.

Sera said...

I hear ya, Ruth, and I agree 100%. I bet you could find clips of the show on or youtube if your curiosity get the best of you, and if, of course, you want to TORTURE yourself.

Carrin said...

Perfect post!
what is this woman thinking? How are do they afford all these kids? I have three and I broke all the time!
I hope she takes your advice!

Summer said...

I've never seen this, but now I'm curious. Is she mormon???

I would and could never. Ever. Have more than two. Ever. I would die!

Even Lexi couldn't get me through that!

As I am said...

I must say .... I watch the show. Without barfing. I even TIVO it. My main goal is to learn from Michelle Dugger. I want to be just like her!!! Hahahahahahah NOT!!!

Mama Kat said...

A sign up list? For real!?! That's just sad.

I'm glad her kids are alive and well and healthy...but the family kind of gives me the creeps.

Jim Bob?? Is that REALLLY his name???

The Ratcliffs said...

Hilarious! I have a strange fascination with this show. I would think that they were totally insane, except that their kids are sooo well behaved that they must be doing something right. Still though...

Honey Mommy said...

I have two kids, and right now that is PLENTY for me. I can't even imagine trying to be a good mother to 18 kids. Sheesh!

Kelly said...

Amen sister!!! She scares the s*** out of me! I know that she loves her children and all that, but come on, what is up with her hair?!!!!

Jenners said...

Sooooo, I'm not really clear. Do you admire and respect Michelle Duggar or not? It wasn't really clear to me in your post. I think you should stop being so shy and just say what you mean.

Lordy, girl! This was great! I don't seek her show out (I think it is a show now) but I've seen some specials on her and I find it hard to turn is like watching a car accident. It is so beyond weird. She is weird -- and like you said -- so spacy and strange and robotic. And I feel so bad for these kids ... the older ones raising the younger ones. I hadn't seen the sign-up sheet -- that hadn't been instituted when I saw the show. But that was when they only had 14 or so.

And I saw in one of my silly magazines that the 20-year-old got married. I bet he just wants to get the heck out of the house or something.


And I've been trying to send you e-mails again in response to your comments but they aren't going through again. I guess we are just destined to communicate via comments.

Re: The Blog Around the World thing: Yeah..that was pretty cool to get so many comments. It is a pretty neat blog. I had volunteered to hostess before my vacation without really thinking it through ... I'm like so far behind in responding to comments, visiting blogs and so forth. Every time I think I get caught up with someone's blog, they post more posts. Arggh. Can't all my favorite bloggers just stop posting until I get caught up!!! I mean really people -- how inconsiderate!!

re: The Grandmom thing. Yeah...that was pretty bad but cracked me up as I immediately thought "Oh...I am so blogging this." I love all the support bloggers give! And you are so kind to call me a "coo, hip mama" but really, I am anything but. But I know one thing, I DO NOT LOOK LIKE THE MOTHER OF A 30-YEAR-OLD WOMAN!

Anyway, I'm off to read the others posts of yours I missed and keep on plugging through my other blogs. I think I need to realize that I just can't do it. I just can't read every good blog out there. I think I really do need Bloggers Anonymous. Or I guess I can't take any more vacations! HAHA!

Sera said...

Hey Jenners! I've been getting emails - have you tried just replying to a message I've already sent you from there? Sorry it's not working.

I totally agree with you about the bad accident thing. It's hard not to watch, but I literally could not stand more than just a few minutes of it.

And yep, I have such a hard time keeping up with blog posts of my favorite bloggers - this is how I know it's bad. I've considered writing a blog post about how hard it is to keep up with blog posts. If you end up starting a bloggers anonymous, please send me the place and time for the meetings.

Ali said...

I'm sure they are very nice people but I don't see how they are spending quality time with all their kids--I think the kids will probably grow up and speak fondly of the bond they have with their siblings, not their parents:( A sign up list? Wow!

momma said...

stopping by from sits.

we watch this show. and i get the feeling that something is not right, too. but it is like watching a train wreck - just can't pull myself away.

KatieSaysSo said...

Ok anyone who marries someone with the name Jim Bob is questionable to begin with. Sorry I havent been stopping by much lately with all of the stuff going on around here I just havent had time to catch up on blogs!!! Hope all is well with you! =)

Young Momma said...


That was CLASSIC.

Your ad? "Instant Babysitter Alert" She needs it!

She is a crazy bitch. Sign up list. 18 freaking kids!!! We're over populated enough!!!!!

Craziness. And I'm all about my 5 year protection. ;)

Anonymous said...

Did you get an answer to your letter?

Jonny's Mommy said...

One problem....Kate is crazy and mean to her children. Have you seen recent episodes? She was such a snot about naming the dog. At least Michelle seems to have some compassion. But I agree... a sign-up list? Come on!

Michelle said...

WOW. that's harsh to say the least.

She's a fantastic mom...and loves ALL of her children.

I ONLY have 5...but if one of mine feel as if they arent getting enough time they NEED to come tell me. There is NOTHING wrong with that.

I"M ABSOLUTELY certain she gets time with each of her do watch the show right? I mean, she spends time with them. I've seen parents with one child who don't show their children as much love as Michelle does.

Having a large family, and submitting that area of your life to God, IS foreign to so many people. Would you have her deny God's calling on her life....just so she doesnt stand out?