Wednesday, January 7, 2009

What my husband really thinks of me

So, just in case you were ever curious what my husband really thinks of me (let's be honest here - you and I both know that you probably wonder about that - oh, at least 12 times a day, right?) - well, now you've got your answer.

These, my friends, are the six words he uses to describe me. And I've got to be honest with you - I couldn't have picked six more accurate words myself. Truly.

(Ok, so I only would have picked #1, #3, and #6, but that's beside the point...)


1. hilarious
2. beautiful
3. loving
4. generous
5. adorable
6. retarded

Last night I told him I needed him to help me with my blog post for Mama Kat's Thursday Writer's Workshop, and he patiently obliged. I asked him to think of six words that described me. The assignment is to have a loved one describe you in six words and then write about just how well you think they really know you, based on how they described you. I asked him to email me whatever he came up with so I wouldn't have to remember it.

So, within a matter of minutes after making my request, I get a new email. The subject line is something to the effect of "Here's your damn list." Heh, heh, heh.

Allow me to elaborate on what I think of the above list. Let's take it from the top...

#1 : Hilarious. I've got to agree with him on this one. I'm one of those nerds that laughs at myself often. I'm not talking like, "Oh, you need to be able to laugh at your mistakes. Ha, ha, ha." No. I'm talking, I do goofy crap even when it's just me, just because I think it's funny. Take this for example: No one else is in the house but me. I'm in the kitchen, probably looking for food or something, and all of a sudden Beyonce's voice comes booming through the speakers in my living room. Heck YES I bust a move in the middle of the kitchen! I might even sing along and make funny facial expressions as if I myself were Beyonce. Why? Because I'm hilarious. That's why. Dennis probably thinks I'm hilarious because I make him laugh all the dang time. However, I think I make him laugh all dang time because I am #6.

#2 : Beautiful. Awwww. I may not always feel like it myself, but he's always giving me the best compliments. Like this one: "I think you look really pretty without your makeup." Now, if I over think that one too much it might cause me to think something irrational like, "Hmmm, I wonder if that means I look like a dirty pirate hooker (Will Ferrell, Anchorman, people - come on) with my makeup on. Maybe he's trying to tell me something..." But, that would be stupid to think that. Honestly, it's one of my favorite things to hear because I often have to stifle screams in the morning when I get that first look in the mirror after just waking up and having no makeup on.

#3 : Loving. Yep, that's true. Sure, I've got people in my life who irritate the living daylights out of me (those are the people who inspire me to repeat "I love you, but I don't have to LIKE you" over and over in my head), but I'd definitely say that I'm a really loving person. Good call, Dennis. Good call.

#4 : Generous. This one stumps me a bit. In fact, I'm not sure why he picked this word. For instance, I am not generous enough to give him the first bite of pizza (the first bite is the best bite, and it was never meant to be shared). I am not generous enough to let him have my dessert, unless it's a ginormous restaurant dessert that we decide ahead of time to split. I think I scare him sometimes when he messes with my food. You need to understand that I savor my food and enjoy every single bite. I can get a good 6 bites out of a Ghirardelli caramel chocolate square. So, if he so much as takes a little bite out of something I'm really excited to eat, I (pardon my French) go ape shit. Hmmm, what else...I am most definitely not generous with the covers. And, I'm a social worker, so I'm certainly not generous in an Oprah Winfrey give-away-a-freakin'-car-to-everyone-in-the-audience kind of way because us social workers don't exactly blow our noses in hundred dollar bills, if you know what I mean. (If you don't know what I mean, go rent Dumb and Dumber).

#5 : Adorable. Ok, I'll take that one. That one's a nice one. But on second thought, #5 could also be linked to #6.

#6 : Retarded. If you knew me in real life, you'd know that I mean no harm or disrespect in using this word. But, since the majority of you don't know me in real life, I just needed to get that out. This is a little ongoing joke that Dennis and I have. I think I've always been a bit retarded (I am a natural blond), but it got progressively worse when I got knocked up. I truly believe the reason my baby is a miniature genius is because every smart brain cell she now has used to take up residence inside my head. But, while she was in utero, she must have used her crazy fetus powers to teleport all my smart cells into my uterus so she could steal them for herself. Selfish little turd. But it doesn't stop there. Pretty much all the moms I've talked to about this are in agreement that the birth canal is the emergency exit for any smart brain cells that remain after the baby steals the first ones from you during your pregnancy. So, I'm doomed. I now say retarded things like, "Do you hear that smell?" and "When your mom I went to the shoe sleep chicken." Crazy combinations of words come out of my mouth sometimes. They make NO sense at all, and even as I utter the crazy words I myself am stumped as to how I am uttering such strange things. I have no control over it. It's as if some connection in my brain got zapped the very moment I opened my mouth. So, when he says I'm retarded, it's true. I am. But I'm okay with it.

So there you have it. That's me. Retarded, loving, beautiful, generous, adorable little old me...

18 comments:

April said...

That's so funny yet so true. Imagine the crazy things you say after 3 kids. The other day Hubby asked if he needed to buy ice and as soon as the words came out of his mouth I replied with Ice, Baby. So it went a little like "Ice, Ice, Baby!" He just looked at me and said "where the hell did that come from?" I hve know idea, it just popped out.

Shanna said...

LOL yep about being retarded after getting "knocked up" hahaha ;) It only gets worse the more you have too!
Dirty pirate hooker? AHAHAHAAHA - I did not remember that line - cracks me up!
Cute place you have here, I'll have to come back and take another peek soon!

Kelly said...

I also contibute my dumb ass to my daughter! I do not combine phrases I just stop mid word and completely blank out....."Hey did I tell............*crickets chirping*........." My Hubby gets so fricken annoyed!

Jen said...

Awesome! Good to know you a little better.

Suzi said...

I have to agree, the more you have the more retarded you get. I have 3 and often speak with a friend of mine who has 4 about how I feel as if I have gotten dumber with each kid. Great post and very humorous! Thanks for the laug.

blueviolet said...

One out of 6 isn't bad at all. Even though #6 could seriously alter the other five. ;)

Mama Kat said...

Retarded has always been a "go to" word for me. I use it to describe myself frequently...until I started blogging and one lady confided in me that she didn't read Pioneer Woman because Pioneer Woman uses the word retarded...I was all "note to self!"

So I don't use it. Sometimes it's hard because it's the most perfect work to accurately express whatever I'm expressing...

I love that your husband cooperated nicely...give him a nice sturdy handshake for me.

Debbie Moyer said...

Love it! I think if I had chosen that prompt, DH would have used a variation of your #6. He calls me a dork/nerd on a regular basis (not in the mean sense either). I also love the new look to your blog. Are you using Photoshop?

Sera said...

Regarding Photoshop and the new look...If you click on the link on the bottom, it will take you to Lena's site - she designed the template, and I'm working in paint.net to recreate a header. The one I had before has a format that's too small. This 3 column header calls for a much bigger header. I'll also be changing the colors and backgrounds, but that's not in photoshop - it's just done in blogger in the html code.

Sera said...

Regarding Mama Kat's comment - first of all, I had to google pioneer woman, and now I have a new website to love - I think I will really like the pioneer woman. Anyway, I honestly went back and forth and back and forth about whether or not to use the word "retarded." I worried about losing readers, offending people unintentionally, and coming across as disrespectful, and I don't want any of those things to happen. In the end I chose to include it and take the risk of those other things happening. You can't ever please everyone and sometimes you just can't always be politically correct.

sassy stephanie said...

Generous is one of mine but it is so weird. I'm an only child in a TOTAL only child selfish way. But my hubs always describes me as generous. I have to agree with him. I am very giving, but selfish. Is that weird?

Jenners said...

OK, first of all, Wow! Your blog makeover is really coming along! I knew it would be pink ... cool! Now I'm getting more ideas from you!

And I saw your Tuesday Tribute post the other day ... so lovely! I just was in a rush and didn't leave a comment. Bad bloggy friend. Bad bloggy friend.

This post was totally hilarious! Again, we were separated at birth. I do "retarded" things by myself all the time and laugh out loud at them. (There I'll use it too so you don't feel bad. I totally know what you mean. It is a bit of a loaded word. And I keep seeing this Pioneer Woman popping up -- I guess it is a really big deal blog -- I sense quite a bit of jealousy when I hear about it. I think I'll have to check it out.)

OK...where was I? I kind of lost myself in parentheses there! Oh...and the saying wrong words when you talk? I do that ALL THE TIME! It is bad when a 4-year-old is correcting the words you say. It is ridiculous. I guess that is another symptom of Mommy Brain. Darn kids --- stealing all our smarts!

And the first bite of pizza. Oh yeah -- the little triangle must be mine! The tip must be in MY MOUTH -- it is the best part. (That sounds really dirty now that I read it.) Yeah ... no one messes with my food either . And I'll hide "good stuff" from my own son so I don't have to share. How bad is that?

And I meant ask you: Have you been getting e-mails I've been sending to you? I think some are bouncing back? I can't tell. I e-mailed you re: a comment the other day when you wrote on my "diet" blog. I'm not doing Weight Watchers because I lose and then just gain it back and I'm just out of the money -- I'm going for the big life change. (Not going well, by the way). Did you get that e-mail? Couldn't tell.

Could I ramble more? Could I leave a longer comment? Am I making any sense any more? I don't know but I know you are awesome!

Dan said...

I liked the list. Your husband obviously thinks fast on his feet.

I wouldn't worry overly much about the R word, the blogosphere is noted for the lack of a PCness.

Thrilled by the Thought said...

What a fun project. I'm totally going to have my hubby make a list. I love that you belt out Beyonce all by your lonesome! She's catchy, she is. I don't blame you!

April said...

I left you a little something on my post today.

Shanna said...

Thanks for stopping by, commenting and following!! :) C'ya around!

Dennis said...

Well done!

Hey... you should tell them the story of the motor home and the little red sports car. That one is definitely rated R for "retarded".

Come to think of it, you've got plenty of dirt on me as well, so I should probably shut up...

sassy stephanie said...

C'mon over and see the good news. You have a little sumin' sumin' coming you way.

 
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