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I'm at the tail end of six days off in a row from work. Normally, that would be a really bad thing, but I managed to pick up several extra shifts the second have of December, so it was actually just fine.
Usually, when I have that many days off in a row, I cram each day full of things to get done, places to be, and before the time off even starts, I can see a panic attack at the end of the hallway.
But, this stretch of days was finally different. Finally. Lowering my expectations of myself has been so freeing.
I have by no means mastered balance, and I know I never will, but I'm learning how to let go of some things, and I'm figuring out how I can add more enjoyable things into my life every day.
Like I mentioned a few days ago, by breaking up all my stuff to do into just a couple things per day, I was able to get stuff done that needed to get done, but I was able to relax, enjoy my baby and the rest of my family, and not feel like I constantly had to be doing something.
Kaylee and I played outside. I read books - books that were written for grown-ups! We knocked down towers of blocks over and over. and over. and over. and over. We colored. I did some Gilad workout videos. I got caught up with some friends. The house didn't blow up. The dishes didn't pile up to the ceiling, and miraculously, we all have clean clothes to wear and we have eaten food every single day. Crazy. I know.
So, while I get ready to have a whirlwind of days at work from now to the end of the month, I can actually look back on this past week and be proud of the fact that I was able to fill it with fun memories instead of unrealistic expectations and high levels of stress.
Now...time to dig out those work clothes and bring home some BACON!
Showing posts with label balancing work and home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label balancing work and home. Show all posts
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
It's just what I need.
We all have days (weeks, months...) when we just don't feel right.
The older I get, I'm trying harder to realize exactly what it is that keeps me ticking and keeps me healthy. When my life starts to feel off kilter, I've gotta take a step back, look at things, and try to figure out where I went wrong, because when one area is off, it seems to have a domino effect on all the other areas of my life.
A couple months ago, things started going downhill again. I was feeling depressed. I had quit exercising - period. I was eating whatever and however much I wanted, and I wasn't getting outside much. I wasn't blogging like I wanted to. I quit reading for a while.
And all the while, I was so blind to it. It was like my eyes were just fuzzy over the whole thing, and I think I blamed it on being busy or something trivial like that.
So, I've made some changes in the past weeks, and things are starting to feel normal again. I spoke with the doctor who treated me for postpartum depression about how I was feeling(jury's still out on whether some of my recent symptoms were depression or a side effect from birth control - hopefully I'll have an answer on that soon), and tweaked a few other parts of my lifestyle.
So, in no particular order, these are the things I've realized are oh-so-helpful in making my life feel well-rounded and somewhat normal. Well, normal for me anyway.
1. Time alone. And, I'm not just talking about time alone on the toilet without being bothered (although that would be lovely). I'm talking about time just for me - whether it's walking around Target (window shopping or "window" shopping - *wink, wink*), having the whole house to myself for a couple hours, or going to a restaurant by myself for lunch. I've always needed my alone time, and now that I'm a mom, I need it more than ever. When I don't get it, I am not a happy camper.
2. Exercise. I've always loved being active, from taking gymnastics and ballet as a little munchkin, to playing volleyball in middle school, to developing a love for step aerobics in high school and kickboxing in college, I've always loved being active. Let's not forget to throw in outdoor stuff like hiking, either. I've been consistently exercising for a little over a month now, and I'm working out 6-7 days a week, for about an hour at a time. It's a guaranteed hour every day where I don't have to think about anything else, and I get to blow off steam, and make my body healthier (and buffer, and leaner, and meaner). It's something I've always loved, but now it's an absolutely necessary part of who I am and what I need to do to feel healthy.
3. Healthy foods, appropriate portions, and a few treats here and there. I've gotten great results with Weight Watchers in the past (once before Kaylee - stopped that time as soon as I found out I was pregnant, and once after Kaylee), but after the last time, I decided to discontinue the online program, thinking I could save money and that I was disciplined enough to choose healthy foods and portions on my own. Not so much...I got off track a few times, and I found myself signing up for the program yet again. Right now, I've got a goal to lose a few more pounds. I was sick of my cute pants not fitting, and I was sick of wearing baggy tops to hide the muffin top. This time, my main goal is to get back on track with healthy portions, and I'm planning to stay on the program for quite a while, just to give me the guidance I need to keep making the right food choices.
4. Time alone with Kaylee, and time alone with Dennis. It's so easy for me to get wrapped up in being "busy," but living like that detracts from the most important things. Then, a week goes by and realize I was more concerned about a messy house than just simply having fun. If I get regular alone time with Kaylee and with Dennis, I'm so much happier. They help me slow down and remember what's important, and what's really not so important in the grand scheme of things.
5. Being outside. I remember days when I was home alone with Kaylee when she was a newborn. I'd start to feel all cooped up and anxious and cranky, and then I'd realize I hadn't set foot outside in a couple (or a few) days - not even past the front porch. Not okay, people, NOT okay! I need to be outside every day. Preferably for a longer period of time than it takes me to walk to my mailbox, but even that will do if I'm desperate.
6. My friends and family. They let me vent. They don't judge me. They let me be myself, and they listen when I feel like I'm falling apart. No matter what, they don't go anywhere.
7. A job. I may whine about it from time to time (hey, who doesn't?), but I love my job, and I love that it gives me scheduled time to be around other adults in a professional setting. It lets me use another part of my brain, and it makes me appreciate my time at home with my daughter even more. Plus, it gives her a break from me, which I think is also really important.
8. Prayer. To be honest with you, I know if this was a more regular part of day-to-day life, things would go a lot smoother. Things seem to go better, or - at least - I seem to handle them better when I start my day off with a prayer, and throw a few up throughout the day, too. It's something I'm always working on.
9. Reading for fun. For my whole life, this has been one of my very, very favorite hobbies, and as an adult, it's one way I deal with stress, by escaping into the pages of a book. When I don't have a book that I'm reading, chances are, there's probably another area of my life starting to crumble.
10. The blog. Writing has always been another one of my passions, and I really wish I'd discovered blogging a long time ago. I hate it when I have those spurts where I go a few days without blogging. Writing on a regular basis really helps me deal with stuff. It just feels good to get my thoughts out of my head, and on to my blog. It's therapeutic, and fun, and it's another hobby that brings me enjoyment.
The older I get, I'm trying harder to realize exactly what it is that keeps me ticking and keeps me healthy. When my life starts to feel off kilter, I've gotta take a step back, look at things, and try to figure out where I went wrong, because when one area is off, it seems to have a domino effect on all the other areas of my life.
A couple months ago, things started going downhill again. I was feeling depressed. I had quit exercising - period. I was eating whatever and however much I wanted, and I wasn't getting outside much. I wasn't blogging like I wanted to. I quit reading for a while.
And all the while, I was so blind to it. It was like my eyes were just fuzzy over the whole thing, and I think I blamed it on being busy or something trivial like that.
So, I've made some changes in the past weeks, and things are starting to feel normal again. I spoke with the doctor who treated me for postpartum depression about how I was feeling(jury's still out on whether some of my recent symptoms were depression or a side effect from birth control - hopefully I'll have an answer on that soon), and tweaked a few other parts of my lifestyle.
So, in no particular order, these are the things I've realized are oh-so-helpful in making my life feel well-rounded and somewhat normal. Well, normal for me anyway.
1. Time alone. And, I'm not just talking about time alone on the toilet without being bothered (although that would be lovely). I'm talking about time just for me - whether it's walking around Target (window shopping or "window" shopping - *wink, wink*), having the whole house to myself for a couple hours, or going to a restaurant by myself for lunch. I've always needed my alone time, and now that I'm a mom, I need it more than ever. When I don't get it, I am not a happy camper.
2. Exercise. I've always loved being active, from taking gymnastics and ballet as a little munchkin, to playing volleyball in middle school, to developing a love for step aerobics in high school and kickboxing in college, I've always loved being active. Let's not forget to throw in outdoor stuff like hiking, either. I've been consistently exercising for a little over a month now, and I'm working out 6-7 days a week, for about an hour at a time. It's a guaranteed hour every day where I don't have to think about anything else, and I get to blow off steam, and make my body healthier (and buffer, and leaner, and meaner). It's something I've always loved, but now it's an absolutely necessary part of who I am and what I need to do to feel healthy.
3. Healthy foods, appropriate portions, and a few treats here and there. I've gotten great results with Weight Watchers in the past (once before Kaylee - stopped that time as soon as I found out I was pregnant, and once after Kaylee), but after the last time, I decided to discontinue the online program, thinking I could save money and that I was disciplined enough to choose healthy foods and portions on my own. Not so much...I got off track a few times, and I found myself signing up for the program yet again. Right now, I've got a goal to lose a few more pounds. I was sick of my cute pants not fitting, and I was sick of wearing baggy tops to hide the muffin top. This time, my main goal is to get back on track with healthy portions, and I'm planning to stay on the program for quite a while, just to give me the guidance I need to keep making the right food choices.
4. Time alone with Kaylee, and time alone with Dennis. It's so easy for me to get wrapped up in being "busy," but living like that detracts from the most important things. Then, a week goes by and realize I was more concerned about a messy house than just simply having fun. If I get regular alone time with Kaylee and with Dennis, I'm so much happier. They help me slow down and remember what's important, and what's really not so important in the grand scheme of things.
5. Being outside. I remember days when I was home alone with Kaylee when she was a newborn. I'd start to feel all cooped up and anxious and cranky, and then I'd realize I hadn't set foot outside in a couple (or a few) days - not even past the front porch. Not okay, people, NOT okay! I need to be outside every day. Preferably for a longer period of time than it takes me to walk to my mailbox, but even that will do if I'm desperate.
6. My friends and family. They let me vent. They don't judge me. They let me be myself, and they listen when I feel like I'm falling apart. No matter what, they don't go anywhere.
7. A job. I may whine about it from time to time (hey, who doesn't?), but I love my job, and I love that it gives me scheduled time to be around other adults in a professional setting. It lets me use another part of my brain, and it makes me appreciate my time at home with my daughter even more. Plus, it gives her a break from me, which I think is also really important.
8. Prayer. To be honest with you, I know if this was a more regular part of day-to-day life, things would go a lot smoother. Things seem to go better, or - at least - I seem to handle them better when I start my day off with a prayer, and throw a few up throughout the day, too. It's something I'm always working on.
9. Reading for fun. For my whole life, this has been one of my very, very favorite hobbies, and as an adult, it's one way I deal with stress, by escaping into the pages of a book. When I don't have a book that I'm reading, chances are, there's probably another area of my life starting to crumble.
10. The blog. Writing has always been another one of my passions, and I really wish I'd discovered blogging a long time ago. I hate it when I have those spurts where I go a few days without blogging. Writing on a regular basis really helps me deal with stuff. It just feels good to get my thoughts out of my head, and on to my blog. It's therapeutic, and fun, and it's another hobby that brings me enjoyment.
So...what about YOU? What makes you tick? What is it that you just have to have in your life in order to feel like you have balance? Leave me a comment about it!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Because I'll need this reminder on the bad days.
Sometimes I feel like I'm such a sucky mom.
The baby just cries and cries some days. She could be teething, needy, tired, hungry, who knows - but on those days when there's a whole lot of crying I just get so frustrated, and I hate what I become.
I ever-so-quickly lose my patience, my negativity takes the wheel, and I basically decide right then and there that it's going to be a bad day. The thing is - it's a choice, and all to often, I intentionally make that choice.
The end of the day comes around, and I realize that an entire day has gone by that I will never get back. I know we all have bad days, I have no desire to be Supermom, and I know I can't possibly have a positive attitude 100% of the time, but when I look back on days like that, it really bums me out that I chose to be so ridiculous.
Something I struggle with all too often is spending time with my baby vs. taking care of household tasks during the day when I'm not working outside the home. I just have a hard time finding a good balance.
So, it's days like today when I'm reminded that everything else in my day may be out of my control, but my attitude is the one thing I can choose to be in control of.
At the moment, my little one is working on her first one year molar - not a fun time. She was pretty fussy this morning, but I decided it was going to be a good day. I also sent up a lot more prayers than I typically have been, so I'm sure that contributed to the better day as well.
Sometimes, I think it's really important to just step back and really take a look at my attitude, my priorities, and my current perspective on things. Because, most of the time, I need to readjust all of the above...
So, today, this is what I've learned:
Being home with my baby part-time is a privilege. Many women out there wish they could be home with their babies and their circumstances do not permit it, so I really need to appreciate each day I'm home with my baby.
She'll have some particularly clingy days, and it may get on my nerves when all she wants to do is to be held, but it means that she's coming to me for comfort and attention because she feels safe with me, she trusts me, and she loves me.
Building towers out of blocks only to have them knocked over 86 times, tickling for belly laughs, listening to the talking tea pot, the singing Leapfrog fridge DJ and the Silly Songs Countdown, along with pushing my kid around in a toy car, reading stories and dancing around the house like a fool are some of my new favorite hobbies.
I may have never-ending laundry, a checkbook that needs to be balanced, emails to answer, hair that hasn't been washed in 2 days, yogurt, bananas, spaghetti and other unidentifiable food smeared on my clothing, but my baby won't be a baby for long. When she's in school, all grown up, and eventually out of my house, I will still have laundry to do, a checkbook to balance, emails to answer, hair to wash, and the occasional food item on my clothing, but my baby won't be readily available to play with and cuddle. She'll be learning about square roots, going to dances, driving a car, and growing up. I need to enjoy her every minute that I can. Right now.
Thanks to Sassy Stephanie over at Our Piece of Quiet for regularly reminding me to really enjoy every minute with my baby while I can, even when it's a particularly rough day. :)
The baby just cries and cries some days. She could be teething, needy, tired, hungry, who knows - but on those days when there's a whole lot of crying I just get so frustrated, and I hate what I become.
I ever-so-quickly lose my patience, my negativity takes the wheel, and I basically decide right then and there that it's going to be a bad day. The thing is - it's a choice, and all to often, I intentionally make that choice.
The end of the day comes around, and I realize that an entire day has gone by that I will never get back. I know we all have bad days, I have no desire to be Supermom, and I know I can't possibly have a positive attitude 100% of the time, but when I look back on days like that, it really bums me out that I chose to be so ridiculous.
Something I struggle with all too often is spending time with my baby vs. taking care of household tasks during the day when I'm not working outside the home. I just have a hard time finding a good balance.
So, it's days like today when I'm reminded that everything else in my day may be out of my control, but my attitude is the one thing I can choose to be in control of.
At the moment, my little one is working on her first one year molar - not a fun time. She was pretty fussy this morning, but I decided it was going to be a good day. I also sent up a lot more prayers than I typically have been, so I'm sure that contributed to the better day as well.
Sometimes, I think it's really important to just step back and really take a look at my attitude, my priorities, and my current perspective on things. Because, most of the time, I need to readjust all of the above...
So, today, this is what I've learned:
Being home with my baby part-time is a privilege. Many women out there wish they could be home with their babies and their circumstances do not permit it, so I really need to appreciate each day I'm home with my baby.
She'll have some particularly clingy days, and it may get on my nerves when all she wants to do is to be held, but it means that she's coming to me for comfort and attention because she feels safe with me, she trusts me, and she loves me.
Building towers out of blocks only to have them knocked over 86 times, tickling for belly laughs, listening to the talking tea pot, the singing Leapfrog fridge DJ and the Silly Songs Countdown, along with pushing my kid around in a toy car, reading stories and dancing around the house like a fool are some of my new favorite hobbies.
I may have never-ending laundry, a checkbook that needs to be balanced, emails to answer, hair that hasn't been washed in 2 days, yogurt, bananas, spaghetti and other unidentifiable food smeared on my clothing, but my baby won't be a baby for long. When she's in school, all grown up, and eventually out of my house, I will still have laundry to do, a checkbook to balance, emails to answer, hair to wash, and the occasional food item on my clothing, but my baby won't be readily available to play with and cuddle. She'll be learning about square roots, going to dances, driving a car, and growing up. I need to enjoy her every minute that I can. Right now.
***
Thanks to Sassy Stephanie over at Our Piece of Quiet for regularly reminding me to really enjoy every minute with my baby while I can, even when it's a particularly rough day. :)
Friday, April 10, 2009
Random thoughts from my exhausted little mind
I exercised tremendous restraint today by eating one FOURTH of a maple frosted donut with sprinkles at work.
I survived one of the most mentally draining and sad weeks I've had at work in a long time.
I compensated for only eating 1/4 of the donut by eating, oh, FOUR, rolls with cinnamon butter at Texas Roadhouse. Plus potatoes. And steak, and a salad covered in Ranch dressing.
Did you know Sunday is my baby's first Easter outside of the uterus? Isn't that exciting?
I love different opinions, and I love it when grown adults can have civil conversations about said different opinions.
New comments and followers on my blog make me wanna party like it's 1999.
Even though I haven't blogged about the Duggars for a while, they still cross my mind at least once a day (ridiculous, I know...) and I remain baffled. I hope they do something that's blog worthy soon because I'm starting to feel withdrawls from not blogging about them.
Internet etiquette 101: WRITING EVERYTHING IN ALL CAPS IS ONE OF THE MOST COMMON FORMS OF BAD ETIQUETTE ONLINE.
I loved every stinking bite of those delectable rolls. Eating so many was one of the smartest things I did all day. And I'm not being sarcastic.
Just in case you didn't know, Will Ferrell rocks my face off.
Choosing not to engage in silly arguments about things that don't matter is not bad etiquette. It's called healthy boundaries and being a mature grown-up who wears big girl panties.
I have 6 days in a ROW off from work, starting tomorrow, and I couldn't be happier about it. What, WHAT!!!
My feet stink.
If I don't respond to your comments on my blog, don't feel blue. Half the time I don't even remember to respond to emails from my own family, so don't take it personal. I promise that I still read every single comment that you write.
Blog drama is for the birds - you won't find that here.
Book 2 in the Twilight series is calling my name, so I'm signing off for the night.
You stay classy, San Diego.
I survived one of the most mentally draining and sad weeks I've had at work in a long time.
I compensated for only eating 1/4 of the donut by eating, oh, FOUR, rolls with cinnamon butter at Texas Roadhouse. Plus potatoes. And steak, and a salad covered in Ranch dressing.
Did you know Sunday is my baby's first Easter outside of the uterus? Isn't that exciting?
I love different opinions, and I love it when grown adults can have civil conversations about said different opinions.
New comments and followers on my blog make me wanna party like it's 1999.
Even though I haven't blogged about the Duggars for a while, they still cross my mind at least once a day (ridiculous, I know...) and I remain baffled. I hope they do something that's blog worthy soon because I'm starting to feel withdrawls from not blogging about them.
Internet etiquette 101: WRITING EVERYTHING IN ALL CAPS IS ONE OF THE MOST COMMON FORMS OF BAD ETIQUETTE ONLINE.
I loved every stinking bite of those delectable rolls. Eating so many was one of the smartest things I did all day. And I'm not being sarcastic.
Just in case you didn't know, Will Ferrell rocks my face off.
Choosing not to engage in silly arguments about things that don't matter is not bad etiquette. It's called healthy boundaries and being a mature grown-up who wears big girl panties.
I have 6 days in a ROW off from work, starting tomorrow, and I couldn't be happier about it. What, WHAT!!!
My feet stink.
If I don't respond to your comments on my blog, don't feel blue. Half the time I don't even remember to respond to emails from my own family, so don't take it personal. I promise that I still read every single comment that you write.
Blog drama is for the birds - you won't find that here.
Book 2 in the Twilight series is calling my name, so I'm signing off for the night.
You stay classy, San Diego.
Monday, March 23, 2009
What am I? Chopped liver?
So, my little sweetie has taken the term "Daddy's Girl" up several notches these days...
She's always shown a slight preference for Dennis, and I never had a problem with that. I want them to have a really strong bond. I want for her to always look to her daddy for guidance. To see him as her protector and provider and to know how much he loves her.
He's an absolutely amazing father. The minute he held Kaylee in his arms for the first time it was like he was a different man. It came so naturally. When I freak out, he remains calm. He sticks to his guns. He does what he says he'll do. He sets boundaries with her. He's just an amazing father.
And right now - she likes him better. A lot better, if I'm being totally honest with you. And boy, oh, boy does it ever hurt me to the core.
Before, when she was littler, it was always kind of cute and funny, but the more her personality is starting to come through (and boy does this kid have a dynamic personality - let me tell you...), the more blatant she is in her "not-so-much" attitude toward me.
Last night we read her a bed time story. I held her in my lap. Dennis read the book. Lights out. Music on. Bottle out. And...she's screaming at me, lunging toward her dad, and quiets the instant she's in his arms. So much for a peaceful little rock with me and my baby while she drifts off to La La Land.
This morning Dennis was holding her and she was smiling at me. That's good, right? Well, as he gets ready to go outside to load the car with all her baby paraphernalia for the sitter's, I said, "Oh, I'll hold her while you do that!" thinking I could get in a few minutes with my babe before I had to go to work for the day, too.
Holy fit from HELL! She screamed the moment I began to hold her. She's bawling her little eyes out - tears just rolling down her little face, and she starts banging her head into my chest in all of her little baby anguish.
I'm betting you can guess exactly what she did the minute Dennis came back in and I handed her over.
Instant calm. Instant quiet. Insert a Kaylee smile here.
So, she's happy, she content, and I go to give her a kiss before they leave. Do you know what she did? She moved her whole head back - away from me - and actually turned her cheek so that I could not give her a kiss.
I admit it. I called her a brat. I retreated to my room and the cry fest that began last night after the bed time showdown commenced yet again.
You know the phrase all moms have in their bag of tricks? "After all I've DONE for you?!?! After I carried you for 9 months and gave BIRTH to you and NURSED you and..." Yep. That went through my head. I think it was always ingrained in my head, and not until this moment did it truly emerge.
Dennis and I talked a lot about this last night because never had I struggled with this issue so much. Our consensus is that she is showing a preference for him because she sees him as the more "fun" one. When he gets home, they get to play. He's definitely better at that than me.
Don't get me wrong - I love playing with Kaylee. It's just that I've constantly got this scrolling to-do list in my head. "Balance the check book, make the mortgage payment, start dinner, get Kaylee's food ready for the babysitter's tomorrow, pick out my outfit for tomorrow, throw in a load of laundry..." NEVER. ENDING.
When I'm home with her, it's so hard to ignore all those other things because - well, you've read my posts about how stressed out I get when my house goes to crap. I feel this overwhelming responsibility to keep this house up and running AND spend quality time with my baby.
I told Dennis I feel bad because it seems like I MADE her this way by not playing with her enough. Mommy Guilt? You bet your booty I've got THAT going on right now.
In what appears to be a gift from up above sent at precisely the right time - I've got the next 6 days off of work. Dennis suggested going out and doing things with Kaylee and not worrying about the house stuff. If I'm not at home, I won't be distracted by everything that needs attention.
So, tomorrow, we're heading to the play center at the mall, and we'll do some window shopping. Thursday we're going to story time with our Mommy and Me group, followed by a picnic at the park. Maybe we'll even throw in a play date at some point. Maybe I'll take up drinking. Who knows.
What I do know is this - this week it's all about me and Kaylee. We're going to play. We're going to have fun. And we (ME) are not going to get our undies in a bunch if the house looks like crap.
She's growing up WAY too fast for my liking, and even if she screams and cries and kicks her legs in the process, we're going to have one helluva fun week together.
Whether she likes it or not.
So there.
She's always shown a slight preference for Dennis, and I never had a problem with that. I want them to have a really strong bond. I want for her to always look to her daddy for guidance. To see him as her protector and provider and to know how much he loves her.
He's an absolutely amazing father. The minute he held Kaylee in his arms for the first time it was like he was a different man. It came so naturally. When I freak out, he remains calm. He sticks to his guns. He does what he says he'll do. He sets boundaries with her. He's just an amazing father.
And right now - she likes him better. A lot better, if I'm being totally honest with you. And boy, oh, boy does it ever hurt me to the core.
Before, when she was littler, it was always kind of cute and funny, but the more her personality is starting to come through (and boy does this kid have a dynamic personality - let me tell you...), the more blatant she is in her "not-so-much" attitude toward me.
Last night we read her a bed time story. I held her in my lap. Dennis read the book. Lights out. Music on. Bottle out. And...she's screaming at me, lunging toward her dad, and quiets the instant she's in his arms. So much for a peaceful little rock with me and my baby while she drifts off to La La Land.
This morning Dennis was holding her and she was smiling at me. That's good, right? Well, as he gets ready to go outside to load the car with all her baby paraphernalia for the sitter's, I said, "Oh, I'll hold her while you do that!" thinking I could get in a few minutes with my babe before I had to go to work for the day, too.
Holy fit from HELL! She screamed the moment I began to hold her. She's bawling her little eyes out - tears just rolling down her little face, and she starts banging her head into my chest in all of her little baby anguish.
I'm betting you can guess exactly what she did the minute Dennis came back in and I handed her over.
Instant calm. Instant quiet. Insert a Kaylee smile here.
So, she's happy, she content, and I go to give her a kiss before they leave. Do you know what she did? She moved her whole head back - away from me - and actually turned her cheek so that I could not give her a kiss.
I admit it. I called her a brat. I retreated to my room and the cry fest that began last night after the bed time showdown commenced yet again.
You know the phrase all moms have in their bag of tricks? "After all I've DONE for you?!?! After I carried you for 9 months and gave BIRTH to you and NURSED you and..." Yep. That went through my head. I think it was always ingrained in my head, and not until this moment did it truly emerge.
Dennis and I talked a lot about this last night because never had I struggled with this issue so much. Our consensus is that she is showing a preference for him because she sees him as the more "fun" one. When he gets home, they get to play. He's definitely better at that than me.
Don't get me wrong - I love playing with Kaylee. It's just that I've constantly got this scrolling to-do list in my head. "Balance the check book, make the mortgage payment, start dinner, get Kaylee's food ready for the babysitter's tomorrow, pick out my outfit for tomorrow, throw in a load of laundry..." NEVER. ENDING.
When I'm home with her, it's so hard to ignore all those other things because - well, you've read my posts about how stressed out I get when my house goes to crap. I feel this overwhelming responsibility to keep this house up and running AND spend quality time with my baby.
I told Dennis I feel bad because it seems like I MADE her this way by not playing with her enough. Mommy Guilt? You bet your booty I've got THAT going on right now.
In what appears to be a gift from up above sent at precisely the right time - I've got the next 6 days off of work. Dennis suggested going out and doing things with Kaylee and not worrying about the house stuff. If I'm not at home, I won't be distracted by everything that needs attention.
So, tomorrow, we're heading to the play center at the mall, and we'll do some window shopping. Thursday we're going to story time with our Mommy and Me group, followed by a picnic at the park. Maybe we'll even throw in a play date at some point. Maybe I'll take up drinking. Who knows.
What I do know is this - this week it's all about me and Kaylee. We're going to play. We're going to have fun. And we (ME) are not going to get our undies in a bunch if the house looks like crap.
She's growing up WAY too fast for my liking, and even if she screams and cries and kicks her legs in the process, we're going to have one helluva fun week together.
Whether she likes it or not.
So there.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Flying off the handle
God, I hate it when I lose it. And boy did I lose it this morning.
It started last night. I had a stressful day at work. We were operating on a Condition Red which means all the beds were full and people were backed up in the ER waiting to be admitted to the hospital for hours. This puts a huge strain on our department because one of our primary goals is to get patients discharged. Everyone was stretched to the max and freaking out a bit. So I left work and was feeling a bit frazzled.
Then, right after I got off work we met a friend of ours for pizza. After that I had to run to CVS because I had $20 in Extra Care Bucks that expired yesterday, so I had to use them last night or else it would be like throwing away money, and that would have been just ridiculous. So, I shopped and I got 2 Colgate toothpastes, 3 Gillette shampoos for hubby, and a luxurious Vitamin shampoo for myself, spent just 14 cents, and got about $15 in back in Extra Care Bucks to use on future retail therapy. Well worth the trip.
So, by the time I actually got home, it was nearly time for Kaylee to go to bed, which bummed me out. I hadn't had any good, quality one-on-one time with her that day. Here begins my bummed outedeness (I love inventing new words).
I had two sinks of dirty dishes, a dishwasher full of clean dishes that needed to be put away, a load of clothes in the washer (that are still there, by the way, and probably starting to get stinky...) and 3 loads of laundry on the couch that needed to be folded. The kitchen was starting to smell from the chicken guts that were in the trash from when I actually cooked dinner the previous night. The kitchen counter was being overtaken by random stuff.
So much for my new rules of not piling laundry on the couch unless I put it away immediately and the rule of picking up the kitchen nightly to prevent pileups.
I have always struggled with housekeeping, and I give myself no mercy. I lay the guilt trip on myself if things start to get messy, and I tell myself I suck at being a good housewife.
Remember how I spent an entire day cleaning while my mom watched Kaylee for me? Our kitchen, dining room and living room have been CLEAN ever since. I just maintain them daily by picking stuff up, and it's really not so hard.
So, last night I got home, and the last damn thing on my mind was doing anything domestic. I just needed to decompress, so I got on the computer, checked my email and did blog stuff.
Then it was time for bed. I couldn't sleep. I was feeling anxious. I felt like my house was headed for the shitter again because it's just a domino effect around here. Once things start piling up it goes down hill quickly, and before you know it, I will need another all day cleaning fest.
When Dennis came to bed I told him I couldn't sleep and was feeling anxious. I was getting that funny, anxious feeling in my chest and I was trying not to freak out because I didn't want to have an anxiety attack like the one and only one I've ever had, which was 4 days postpartum with Kaylee. It was terrifying. So, I just took some deep, slow breaths and tried to calm down.
I managed to sleep, and then this morning happened.
The house smelled like ass (excuse my French - I'm pissy this morning, and I cuss more when I'm pissy. It's just who I am.) from the damn rotting chicken in the garbage. It's a smell that just permeates the whole house and makes you feel nauseous.
Then I spent the better part of the morning working on getting our dinner ready (we're having crock pot chicken and dumplings tonight - thank God for comfort food), getting Kaylee's food ready for the day, and packing her bag for the babysitter's. By the time all that was done, nearly an hour had gone by, and who wakes up but my little princess.
Crying. And hungry. As she very well should be after sleeping for 11 hours straight. But my hair was wet, dammit! My makeup wasn't on. My favorite jeans that I wanted to wear for casual Friday were frickin' WRINKLED and I didn't have time to iron them (which turned out to be okay because once I put them on and realized how wrinkled they were I also realized how tight they were). Add another thing to my list of frustrations. My damn pants are too tight. Grrrr...
I just couldn't take it. I flew off the handle. I blew up at Dennis. All because he couldn't read my mind and know all the things I wanted help with. Ice Queen had emerged, and apparently there are 6 more weeks of winter because she would NOT go back underground.
I hate it. I HATE it when I get like this. But I just can't keep it together all the time...
Dammit.
It started last night. I had a stressful day at work. We were operating on a Condition Red which means all the beds were full and people were backed up in the ER waiting to be admitted to the hospital for hours. This puts a huge strain on our department because one of our primary goals is to get patients discharged. Everyone was stretched to the max and freaking out a bit. So I left work and was feeling a bit frazzled.
Then, right after I got off work we met a friend of ours for pizza. After that I had to run to CVS because I had $20 in Extra Care Bucks that expired yesterday, so I had to use them last night or else it would be like throwing away money, and that would have been just ridiculous. So, I shopped and I got 2 Colgate toothpastes, 3 Gillette shampoos for hubby, and a luxurious Vitamin shampoo for myself, spent just 14 cents, and got about $15 in back in Extra Care Bucks to use on future retail therapy. Well worth the trip.
So, by the time I actually got home, it was nearly time for Kaylee to go to bed, which bummed me out. I hadn't had any good, quality one-on-one time with her that day. Here begins my bummed outedeness (I love inventing new words).
I had two sinks of dirty dishes, a dishwasher full of clean dishes that needed to be put away, a load of clothes in the washer (that are still there, by the way, and probably starting to get stinky...) and 3 loads of laundry on the couch that needed to be folded. The kitchen was starting to smell from the chicken guts that were in the trash from when I actually cooked dinner the previous night. The kitchen counter was being overtaken by random stuff.
So much for my new rules of not piling laundry on the couch unless I put it away immediately and the rule of picking up the kitchen nightly to prevent pileups.
I have always struggled with housekeeping, and I give myself no mercy. I lay the guilt trip on myself if things start to get messy, and I tell myself I suck at being a good housewife.
Remember how I spent an entire day cleaning while my mom watched Kaylee for me? Our kitchen, dining room and living room have been CLEAN ever since. I just maintain them daily by picking stuff up, and it's really not so hard.
So, last night I got home, and the last damn thing on my mind was doing anything domestic. I just needed to decompress, so I got on the computer, checked my email and did blog stuff.
Then it was time for bed. I couldn't sleep. I was feeling anxious. I felt like my house was headed for the shitter again because it's just a domino effect around here. Once things start piling up it goes down hill quickly, and before you know it, I will need another all day cleaning fest.
When Dennis came to bed I told him I couldn't sleep and was feeling anxious. I was getting that funny, anxious feeling in my chest and I was trying not to freak out because I didn't want to have an anxiety attack like the one and only one I've ever had, which was 4 days postpartum with Kaylee. It was terrifying. So, I just took some deep, slow breaths and tried to calm down.
I managed to sleep, and then this morning happened.
The house smelled like ass (excuse my French - I'm pissy this morning, and I cuss more when I'm pissy. It's just who I am.) from the damn rotting chicken in the garbage. It's a smell that just permeates the whole house and makes you feel nauseous.
Then I spent the better part of the morning working on getting our dinner ready (we're having crock pot chicken and dumplings tonight - thank God for comfort food), getting Kaylee's food ready for the day, and packing her bag for the babysitter's. By the time all that was done, nearly an hour had gone by, and who wakes up but my little princess.
Crying. And hungry. As she very well should be after sleeping for 11 hours straight. But my hair was wet, dammit! My makeup wasn't on. My favorite jeans that I wanted to wear for casual Friday were frickin' WRINKLED and I didn't have time to iron them (which turned out to be okay because once I put them on and realized how wrinkled they were I also realized how tight they were). Add another thing to my list of frustrations. My damn pants are too tight. Grrrr...
I just couldn't take it. I flew off the handle. I blew up at Dennis. All because he couldn't read my mind and know all the things I wanted help with. Ice Queen had emerged, and apparently there are 6 more weeks of winter because she would NOT go back underground.
I hate it. I HATE it when I get like this. But I just can't keep it together all the time...
Dammit.
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