Friday, February 20, 2009

Flying off the handle

God, I hate it when I lose it. And boy did I lose it this morning.

It started last night. I had a stressful day at work. We were operating on a Condition Red which means all the beds were full and people were backed up in the ER waiting to be admitted to the hospital for hours. This puts a huge strain on our department because one of our primary goals is to get patients discharged. Everyone was stretched to the max and freaking out a bit. So I left work and was feeling a bit frazzled.

Then, right after I got off work we met a friend of ours for pizza. After that I had to run to CVS because I had $20 in Extra Care Bucks that expired yesterday, so I had to use them last night or else it would be like throwing away money, and that would have been just ridiculous. So, I shopped and I got 2 Colgate toothpastes, 3 Gillette shampoos for hubby, and a luxurious Vitamin shampoo for myself, spent just 14 cents, and got about $15 in back in Extra Care Bucks to use on future retail therapy. Well worth the trip.

So, by the time I actually got home, it was nearly time for Kaylee to go to bed, which bummed me out. I hadn't had any good, quality one-on-one time with her that day. Here begins my bummed outedeness (I love inventing new words).

I had two sinks of dirty dishes, a dishwasher full of clean dishes that needed to be put away, a load of clothes in the washer (that are still there, by the way, and probably starting to get stinky...) and 3 loads of laundry on the couch that needed to be folded. The kitchen was starting to smell from the chicken guts that were in the trash from when I actually cooked dinner the previous night. The kitchen counter was being overtaken by random stuff.

So much for my new rules of not piling laundry on the couch unless I put it away immediately and the rule of picking up the kitchen nightly to prevent pileups.

I have always struggled with housekeeping, and I give myself no mercy. I lay the guilt trip on myself if things start to get messy, and I tell myself I suck at being a good housewife.

Remember how I spent an entire day cleaning while my mom watched Kaylee for me? Our kitchen, dining room and living room have been CLEAN ever since. I just maintain them daily by picking stuff up, and it's really not so hard.

So, last night I got home, and the last damn thing on my mind was doing anything domestic. I just needed to decompress, so I got on the computer, checked my email and did blog stuff.

Then it was time for bed. I couldn't sleep. I was feeling anxious. I felt like my house was headed for the shitter again because it's just a domino effect around here. Once things start piling up it goes down hill quickly, and before you know it, I will need another all day cleaning fest.

When Dennis came to bed I told him I couldn't sleep and was feeling anxious. I was getting that funny, anxious feeling in my chest and I was trying not to freak out because I didn't want to have an anxiety attack like the one and only one I've ever had, which was 4 days postpartum with Kaylee. It was terrifying. So, I just took some deep, slow breaths and tried to calm down.

I managed to sleep, and then this morning happened.

The house smelled like ass (excuse my French - I'm pissy this morning, and I cuss more when I'm pissy. It's just who I am.) from the damn rotting chicken in the garbage. It's a smell that just permeates the whole house and makes you feel nauseous.

Then I spent the better part of the morning working on getting our dinner ready (we're having crock pot chicken and dumplings tonight - thank God for comfort food), getting Kaylee's food ready for the day, and packing her bag for the babysitter's. By the time all that was done, nearly an hour had gone by, and who wakes up but my little princess.

Crying. And hungry. As she very well should be after sleeping for 11 hours straight. But my hair was wet, dammit! My makeup wasn't on. My favorite jeans that I wanted to wear for casual Friday were frickin' WRINKLED and I didn't have time to iron them (which turned out to be okay because once I put them on and realized how wrinkled they were I also realized how tight they were). Add another thing to my list of frustrations. My damn pants are too tight. Grrrr...

I just couldn't take it. I flew off the handle. I blew up at Dennis. All because he couldn't read my mind and know all the things I wanted help with. Ice Queen had emerged, and apparently there are 6 more weeks of winter because she would NOT go back underground.

I hate it. I HATE it when I get like this. But I just can't keep it together all the time...

Dammit.

24 comments:

Kelly said...

((hugs))!!! God I HATE when my day starts off with a whiff of rotting chicken guts!!! It sound like you are having a tough day....I hope it gets better!

Summer said...

Okay, I go through this once a week. I feel like I can NEVER keep up on everything, and if I allow myself to really look around and take in all that needs to be done, I get the beginning of anxiety too.

One thing I try to tell myself is that at least it's a mess because it's filled with people we love (sometimes)... ;-)

Keep taking deep breaths and just know you are doing the best you can.

Heck you're making dinner and you work. I stay home and I don't even make dinner. So you are waaaay ahead of me there!

April said...

I hope your day gets better. Sometimes life can just be over whelming. Most of the time I can handle everything but others I just break when it all piles on me at once. Good luck girl.

Sassypants Wifey said...

A.M.E.N. I am struggling with the same thing. Hubs has been out of town for 2 weeks and I did very very little cleaning the whole time. Well he is running early and will be home sooner tonight that I planned. Oops. I wish you luck. I need to wade through the clothes on our couch and put them away.

Deb said...

okay, your blow up sounds perfectly reasonable (but then again, i can justify pretty much anything).

and i have to say, i kind of like it when you go all PG-13 on us. you go girl.

my advice is blame the whole dang thing on those crazy old ladies. i hate to say this, but maybe apologize (but keep it short and sweet) to dennis.

i've been there. yesterday, in fact. and the day before.

Molly said...

Oh, how I can relate to this! Just last week I told the hubs "this house smells like ass!" (it was also due to chicken guts) Maybe we should quit cooking and eat out every meal. No smell, no mess = tons of time saved. I think I might be onto something...

namaste said...

I'm sending you a big hug.... cuss away girl. I feel ya. I have those moments too, then you feel all embarrassed because you flew off the handle but geez! If things hadn't just gotten so out of control and if people (husbands) had just read your mind and taken care of everything (like they are suppose to), then you wouldn't be where you are... it's awful. But, it's life. Don't sweat it chicka. You can't. It's just not worth the drama. So, take a deep deep breath (ok, only if the chicken gut smell is gone) and try to move on. It can only get better!

sassy stephanie said...

Ok, here are some things to say "ahhh, it's not so bad, I guess":

1. You HAVE a job. Many peeps do not right now.
2. You have a supa sweet hubby and baby girl.
3. At least you are not a fam of five like us...laundry piles up unless you do AT LEAST one load/day.
4. Blogging is super cheap therapy.
5. So is a glass of wine.
6. You did in fact get to use those ECB, saving more $$ for your fam! (don't forget to do the MIR for the Vitamin shampoo=free!)
7. You can recognize that you 'lost' it and learn that blowing off some steam every now and them makes you feel better.

HUGS!

sassy stephanie said...

oh, and btw...your comment at my place cracked.me.up. I love 'stealing' things too. And you are right...quite a high!!!

Debbie said...

I'm sorry you had one of those days. Hopefully, you'll return to normal self in no time.

Jenners said...

Oh Sweetie! Everyone has days like this ... it is totally normal. Being a working mom is unbelievably hard. I mean, can you really expect yourself to work, be a mom, be a "housewife," and be happy all the time? No. You are being way too hard on yourself. I would have reacted the same way. But I'm glad you just did something for you and didn't drive yourself crazy cleaning like a madwoman. Just take it one step at a time, take the time you need, play with Kaylee, and just leave work at work as much as you can. Easier said than done, I know. Sending you good thoughts!

And if you need help from Dennis, you have to ask him. Men can be dumb sometimes. You have to spell it out. It is his house too!! : )

pam said...

I know the feeling well. It seems to build up inside your chest until you just about explode. It has to come out one way or another!! Don't beat yourself up.

Nice to have found you!!

Cathy said...

I could have written this post myself! And, I don't work outside the home! We all have those days....days where it just doesn't pay to get out of the bed. You are doing the best you can. Think happy thoughts!

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Have you heard? Today is Day 1 of the Where in the World is Wenda? Contest. Head over to Three Bay B Chicks and Hot Chocolate Caramel Mocha to join in the fun. Can’t wait to see you there!

-Wenda

Ter said...

hi! I came here through Jenners who featured you on her blog this week! :) She featured me last week and I got a few visitors and I know how that made my day so I thought I would come and hopefully make your day by having new visitors! :)

Don't worry about being grouchy sometimes, it happens to the best of us! Anyway, I wanted to say I like your blog title...sometimes that's all you can do... just laugh....

Veronica Lee said...

Hi and welcome to MBC!

Young Momma said...

(((hugs))) I know how it feels, so well!!! Don't worry. You're an awesome mom and wife!!! We're all allowed those shitty days and I hope your feeling better ASAP! I'm always here to listen. :)

Becky said...

My house is looking like it is going to need a full day clean right now and I, like you, had promised to do the kitchen nightly, fold the laundry (and put it away) and keep on top of things but somehow it got out of control!
Don't be too hard on yourself, you're doing such a great job!!

lisaschaos said...

With a day like that I think I would have been bummed out too!

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Day 3 of the Where’s Wenda? Contest is here. Today I am visiting all of the SITStas that commented on Three Bay B Chicks. That means you! Thanks so much for stopping by and for being a great SISta!

-Wenda

angie said...

I would have lost it too. Sometimes we just need to let it all out in order to move on. I hate how I feel afterwards too......and wish I could take it back, even if there is a sort of release......:)

blueviolet said...

I know that smell and that would put me right over the edge as well. That was Friday so I'm hoping now that it's Sunday all is well and all smells well.

Jessica said...

I am so sorry and you have no idea how much better your post made me feel.... that's the kind of weekend I have had.... I really started to think I was the only one who had clean clothes all over and dishes in the sink and stinky trash.... that is why I LOVE your blog... Hope things have improved since Friday!!

Jessica

Wendy said...

Luvs ya, hun! Pissy-ass language and all. ((hugs))

 
ss_blog_claim=e944dbd713f37d550ebdc4631fb44f56