Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It - Duggar Style

This week, I'm paying tribute to Josh Duggar - the oldest of the Duggar Family's 856 children. Whey does he deserve a tribute? Because. Because this crazy kid managed to escape and moved out of his family's home when he married Anna.

(Is anyone else as freaked out by the matching polo shirts as much as I am?)

Alright, now that I've paid him tribute, I don't feel so bad about talking some smack. Let's get to it!

So, yesterday I told you all about how Dennis played a very cruel joke on me by actually recording "A Very Duggar Wedding." We all know how I feel about the Duggars. I do think that watching the show may have shown a temporary lapse in sanity on my part. But, from the beginning, I knew it would provide me with some good blogging material, so please sit back, relax and enjoy reading some things I learned by watching this psychotic show.

Let me just add a little disclaimer that we foolishly deleted the episode after watching it, not thinking about the fact that I would need it to gather direct quotes from so that I could accurately report what I watched. I searched far and wide on YouTube and couldn't find what I was looking for, so please don't come after me with baseball bats telling me I misquoted something.

Ok, so let's move on to the interesting tidbits that I gleaned from this family, shall we?

1. There was absolutely no dancing and no alcohol at the reception. This, in itself, doesn't bother me one bit. But, wait until you hear why. The father of the Duggar boy's wife explained: It's because Jesus didn't actually turn water into wine. The word wine actually meant "grape juice," and also - we know that when ladies dance it seduces the men, so it wasn't even a thought in their mind to have dancing.

2. The Bible says a woman's hair is her crowning glory. So, I guess that explains why all the Duggar girls have long hair. God forbid they ask if they could get a hip, stylish bob because that would mean they would be cutting off their crowning glory.


3. Anna was IRONING Josh's clothes on the wedding day. Are ya effin' kidding me? Really? REALLY!?!?!

4. The Duggar boy and his wife did not kiss until they were at the altar. And that is precisely why their engagement only lasted 3 months. (That last sentence is just me drawing a rather obvious conclusion.)

5. They had "chaperones" with them the day of the rehearsal and the day of the wedding so they weren't alone together. Apparently people who are in their 20s and getting married need chaperones because they cannot be trusted to not have sex in a church. On their wedding day. Where any of their 800 million siblings could walk in on them at any time.

6. The chaperone thing wasn't just a one time deal. It was part of the relationship. The entire time. I did my research, people. So, a story that People magazine did about the Duggars explained the "courtship." They met at a home-schooling conference and "kept in touch by phone ever since, including some visits – chaperoned, of course." (Click here for the source, if you don't believe me. ) I have no words for this. No words.

7. Jim Bob (Duggar Daddy - yes, Jim Bob is his real name) takes his son to give him the "Birds and the Bees" talk - on his WEDDING day, and presents him with a Christian DVD all about the wedding night, and a book, complete with illustrations, just so dear sonny boy can figure out "how things work." He actually used the words, "It's kind of like Legos." No. WAY. No way. Of course Josh acted mortified that his dad would provide him with such things and told him, "I think I know how it works." Yeah. You may have sheltered the crap out of your kids, but do you really think he doesn't know how to do the hibbity dibbity? Come on, Jim Bob.

(At this point, my right eye had been completely jabbed out with the butter knife. But, since I still had one eye left, I kept watching - I couldn't turn away)

8. Never once did I see Michelle without a smile. Even when she was crying as her son said his vows, she had her freaky, brainwashed smile plastered on her mullet head.

9. The Duggar kids have a sense of humor. One brother hooked up the brake line to the horn so when they drove off after the wedding, the horn went off every time he hit the brakes. Oh, and they wrapped the car in saran wrap. Duggar boy and wifey were PaHISSED. They were ready to go to the hotel and get busy starting their future family of 86 children. Because Michelle said she would eat them alive if Anna wasn't pregnant for every year of her non-menopausal life.

10. They also committed to each other - in their vows - that they were going to allow God to determine the amount of children they would have as well as the timing of each child. This is why I wish I still had the episode on the DVR. The way the statement was written just sounded so weird and brainwashy. I don't have a problem with people having the religious belief that God will determine the size of their family. Think what you want to. Whatever. But, this girl promised to God (in not so many words) that she wouldn't use birth control or attempt to avoid having kids. Ever. That just seems like a lot of pressure. Say she has one and realizes that she needs a fair amount of time to pass before ever thinking of having another child because it was so difficult and draining. Nope. From the way I understand things, she doesn't have a choice. And, I have a hard time believing that God is actually upset with people who choose to put some space between their kids in order to maintain some semblance of sanity.

*Left eye has been completely jabbed out by this point*

So, Josh Duggar, my hat is off to you for being the first to successfully escape your crazy brainwashing parents. But, I'll take my hat back now because I'm 124% sure that you are going to do the exact same thing to each of your own children. And that scares me. A lot.

Now, go check out Jay and Deb for more Tuesday's Tribute posts, ya hear?