Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It - Duggar Style

This week, I'm paying tribute to Josh Duggar - the oldest of the Duggar Family's 856 children. Whey does he deserve a tribute? Because. Because this crazy kid managed to escape and moved out of his family's home when he married Anna.

(Is anyone else as freaked out by the matching polo shirts as much as I am?)

Alright, now that I've paid him tribute, I don't feel so bad about talking some smack. Let's get to it!

So, yesterday I told you all about how Dennis played a very cruel joke on me by actually recording "A Very Duggar Wedding." We all know how I feel about the Duggars. I do think that watching the show may have shown a temporary lapse in sanity on my part. But, from the beginning, I knew it would provide me with some good blogging material, so please sit back, relax and enjoy reading some things I learned by watching this psychotic show.

Let me just add a little disclaimer that we foolishly deleted the episode after watching it, not thinking about the fact that I would need it to gather direct quotes from so that I could accurately report what I watched. I searched far and wide on YouTube and couldn't find what I was looking for, so please don't come after me with baseball bats telling me I misquoted something.

Ok, so let's move on to the interesting tidbits that I gleaned from this family, shall we?

1. There was absolutely no dancing and no alcohol at the reception. This, in itself, doesn't bother me one bit. But, wait until you hear why. The father of the Duggar boy's wife explained: It's because Jesus didn't actually turn water into wine. The word wine actually meant "grape juice," and also - we know that when ladies dance it seduces the men, so it wasn't even a thought in their mind to have dancing.

2. The Bible says a woman's hair is her crowning glory. So, I guess that explains why all the Duggar girls have long hair. God forbid they ask if they could get a hip, stylish bob because that would mean they would be cutting off their crowning glory.

3. Anna was IRONING Josh's clothes on the wedding day. Are ya effin' kidding me? Really? REALLY!?!?!

4. The Duggar boy and his wife did not kiss until they were at the altar. And that is precisely why their engagement only lasted 3 months. (That last sentence is just me drawing a rather obvious conclusion.)

5. They had "chaperones" with them the day of the rehearsal and the day of the wedding so they weren't alone together. Apparently people who are in their 20s and getting married need chaperones because they cannot be trusted to not have sex in a church. On their wedding day. Where any of their 800 million siblings could walk in on them at any time.

6. The chaperone thing wasn't just a one time deal. It was part of the relationship. The entire time. I did my research, people. So, a story that People magazine did about the Duggars explained the "courtship." They met at a home-schooling conference and "kept in touch by phone ever since, including some visits – chaperoned, of course." (Click here for the source, if you don't believe me. ) I have no words for this. No words.

7. Jim Bob (Duggar Daddy - yes, Jim Bob is his real name) takes his son to give him the "Birds and the Bees" talk - on his WEDDING day, and presents him with a Christian DVD all about the wedding night, and a book, complete with illustrations, just so dear sonny boy can figure out "how things work." He actually used the words, "It's kind of like Legos." No. WAY. No way. Of course Josh acted mortified that his dad would provide him with such things and told him, "I think I know how it works." Yeah. You may have sheltered the crap out of your kids, but do you really think he doesn't know how to do the hibbity dibbity? Come on, Jim Bob.

(At this point, my right eye had been completely jabbed out with the butter knife. But, since I still had one eye left, I kept watching - I couldn't turn away)

8. Never once did I see Michelle without a smile. Even when she was crying as her son said his vows, she had her freaky, brainwashed smile plastered on her mullet head.

9. The Duggar kids have a sense of humor. One brother hooked up the brake line to the horn so when they drove off after the wedding, the horn went off every time he hit the brakes. Oh, and they wrapped the car in saran wrap. Duggar boy and wifey were PaHISSED. They were ready to go to the hotel and get busy starting their future family of 86 children. Because Michelle said she would eat them alive if Anna wasn't pregnant for every year of her non-menopausal life.

10. They also committed to each other - in their vows - that they were going to allow God to determine the amount of children they would have as well as the timing of each child. This is why I wish I still had the episode on the DVR. The way the statement was written just sounded so weird and brainwashy. I don't have a problem with people having the religious belief that God will determine the size of their family. Think what you want to. Whatever. But, this girl promised to God (in not so many words) that she wouldn't use birth control or attempt to avoid having kids. Ever. That just seems like a lot of pressure. Say she has one and realizes that she needs a fair amount of time to pass before ever thinking of having another child because it was so difficult and draining. Nope. From the way I understand things, she doesn't have a choice. And, I have a hard time believing that God is actually upset with people who choose to put some space between their kids in order to maintain some semblance of sanity.

*Left eye has been completely jabbed out by this point*

So, Josh Duggar, my hat is off to you for being the first to successfully escape your crazy brainwashing parents. But, I'll take my hat back now because I'm 124% sure that you are going to do the exact same thing to each of your own children. And that scares me. A lot.

Now, go check out Jay and Deb for more Tuesday's Tribute posts, ya hear?


April said...

I'm speechless! OK, not really. How did he know wine meant grape juice? He must be old to remember that. Also, if a boy knows how to wire the brakes to the horn, he either already knows about the birds and the bees or the fact that he doesn't shows why he knows how to wire a car like that! Just my opinion.

Pemberly said...


First, I love reading your blogs, I wander over from the Stith Trio blog because your titles are so much fun.

I too saw "A Very Duggar Wedding" and choked when I heard Anna say her vows. Although the choking was possibly also a continuation of her father's explanation of how Jesus turned water into 'grape juice'. I feel bad for the younger boys because after all their sisters get married off I wonder who will raise them.

Thank you for your blogs...and the laughs.

Jenn@mylifewiththecrazies said...

Stopping over on Tuesdays Tribute! i cant stand this show... I dont watch it but your take on it was awesome! Thanks for sharing!

ptwammy said...

Sera, you are too funny! It's hard to pick my favorite but I think #5 probably wins! I laughed out loud while I was reading your blog tonight. Thanks for the humor!

Jenners said...

Girl, I think you have found your blogging niche! All Duggars, All The Time! I thought this was so freakin funny! If I wasn't throwing up in my mouth half the time, I would have laughed out loud. And the Lego thing ... what the heck? If that is how he describes it, how does he have so many kids. And the chaperone thing? Really. And I love how you pay tribute with like one insulting line and then just rip them to shreds. And your writing is just so fun to read! You da best!

miss amy said...

Thanks for all the insight about the creepy Duggars.
I have watched it a couple of times but made me feel like a failure pile.
How patient can a mother be? My God!
I have bad days with one child, never mind 345 children up in my grill.

KatieSaysSo said...

omg i am soooo glad you posted this because i laughed my ass of the entire time!!!! that is soooo funny!!! that just all sounds so crazy to me! i cant help it!!!

Young Momma said...

LMAO!!! I can't believe I missed it!!! That's hilarious! Our only hope was that he'd admit that his parents were crazy and he'd do his own thing! lol We'll see when he'll get his own show! lol Maybe they'll get lucky and have 14 at once. Take Nadya Suleman for her money!

Deb said...

i am sorry, but this reminds me of the lady in texas that drown all her kids. remember her? she had that same type of husband and he even made her live in a bus for a while?

silverhartgirl said...

I have never seen this and have avoided it. thank you for suffering through it to let us all know how it went. wow no dancing and chaperoned at 20 wow

Kristen said...

Umm...crazy...coo-koo. Well she prob wont get preggers for awhile...legos and all. WTF? Legos! Mom must be seriously unsatisfied.
So my daughter was in my lap taking pics of your blog...just long enough for me to read it :) I love digital cameras. Though I'm afraid to see my closeup pics...can you say pores?

Molly said...

So after a really crappy day, I read this and had a great laugh. Thank you! I watched this too simply because I saw one episode and I am addicted to jaw opening, shock and awe tv. Every episode makes me gasp!

angie said...

I'm so glad you posted about this. It was certainly entertaining to me. Now, if a womans hair is her crowning glory, I'm surprised they allow their girls hair to show......b/c, wouldn't that be seductive in itself?

Marcie said...

Sera, you crack me up!!! One of my students said to me today, before even entering the classroom, "Wouldn't it be cool if the Duggars could come to our school?" I had to laugh!!

Debbie said...

Thanks again for a good laugh after a very tiring day. Your pure hatred towards all things Duggars is hilarious.

Images By Miranda Photography said...

Ok, I love this. I was laughing the entire time. Thanks for making my day!

Side Note: Just to let you know, my very first kiss was at the alter at my wedding and my husband and I dated for 4 years!!!! (crazy man to put up with me that long!) I guess that makes me only kinda of weird and not Dugger weird...lol.

Michelle said...

Just to let you know because tone is hard to interpret on the 'net. I'm not mad, at all. I find the Duggars to be awesome...totally different perception from you. So, you know, this is a lighthearted discussion and not meant to ruffle any feathers...I almost NEVER see people disagreeing on blogs...everyone always agrees and loves one another. Well I'm here to tell you...I disagree.

1. I agree that was just weird.

2. It DOES! and we all are convicted by GOD in different ways.

3. I didnt notice that! Weird!

4. And is also why ours did. NOTHING wrong with WAITING. Maybe if more people waited our country would not be in moral decline.

5. they wanted them...it's part of their lifestyle. And wise, if you ask me.

6. I seriously don't get why you are against this. If they disagreed they wouldnt have followed it. They must have both realized their parents must have had some wisdom in this. For the record, we are doing this with our children, as they become old enough to "date".

7. Waiting till the wedding night was so that his son didnt "Awaken love until it so desires"...you know, like the Bible tells us???

8. That's HARSH! And just mean and catty, if you ask me. No, I'm NEVER like that...but I would love it if I was. See when I watch the show...I start looking at the way I treat my kids and DONT smile all the time...and then I try harder to be all soft and kind, like her.

9. I thought that was funny!!!!

10. They just believe that children are a blessing. YOu know...like good health. If you had a no colds for all of 2008, would you ask God to slack off on the good health blessings because you need time to regain your sanity...says she who has 5 and is trying for 6. I LOVE kids...God prepares you for the next one. and I didnt think it was a kind of I HAVE TO DO THIS OR MY FAMILY WILL BE SHUNNED (like the FDLS sect). No, this was more like, I love children and I desire that God blesses me as he sees fit. AND here they are almost a year later and still no children. And sometimes letting God decide your blessings means there are no blessings.

If you REALLY want to read about brainwashing...

Read: Stolen Innocence...I'll trade you my copy for something you've recently read and enjoyed and that I would totally love.

I'll try to keep my pants on until you respond to me.

Golgotha said...

Just for the record: In John 2:9, where it describes Jesus turning the water into wine, the original Greek word used here is "oinos", which does indeed describe the fermented juice of the grape. In other words: the ignoramus on the video was wrong. It was indeed alcoholic wine that Jesus served and, most likely, drank.

Michelle said...

WHAT still no response? FOR SHAME. Not only is it cruel NOT to argue with me on your blog, it's bad ettiquette not to reply.

Dennis said...

If I had a brain-dead, obnoxious twit with diarrhea-of-the-mouth visiting MY blog, demanding that I reply to her trite comments like some sort of self-absorbed attention whore, I think I might ignore her as well.

By the way, you never replied to my reply of your reply. FOR SHAME. I think I'll go pout.

Alix said...

How judgemental can you be? Can you not respect that other people choose to live in different ways? Your blog post says a lot more about you than it says about the Duggar family. I do not agree with all (or even most) of what the Duggars believe in, but I respect their choices and do not judge them. I live and let live. Maybe you should consider doing the same.

Anonymous said...

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