From sleepless nights to potty training: Reflections on my two-year journey as a mother

It's the night before my sweet little Kaylee Bug turns two years old.

I came in here to write after spending a short while with her before bed, where we read her favorite new book - Ladybug Girl, and she asked to say her "pears" (prayers) - prayers in which she frequently thanks Jesus for things like Captain Feathersword from The Wiggles, as well as other important things like candy, Costco and Grandma.

After the reading of the book (and my refusal to read the book again), the pears, and the stalling, I succumbed to her request of "Mommy yay down, too?"

So, this little mommy yayed down, too.

And, in those little moments, I realized how far we'd come in two years.

We made it through postpartum depression and anxiety, an overwhelming sense of when in the hell am I going to figure this whole motherhood thing out (answer = uh, never), very sleepless, unpredictable nights, the horror of teething, so many firsts, so many laughs and tears and holycrapIamgoingtoLOSEit moments.

We've made it through so much. And while I will always remember those really, really hard times - the belief that I would literally never sleep again, the terrifying panic and worry, the worse-than-contractions-kind-of-pain I had after giving birth, the insane sleep deprivation, the unbearable irritability, our 9-month battle with breast feeding, Kaylee's refusal to take naps for her first 12 months of life, multiple trips to the ER and a stay in the children's hospital, and did I mention the sleep deprivation? - I can honestly tell you that I don't have anywhere near the vivid imagery of those events that I did months ago. The emotional pain of those struggles fades more and more as time goes on, believe it or not, and I thank God for that.

When I look back on the last 2 years, those really sucky moments are not what stands out most to me anymore. For the longest time, I couldn't get past those haunting memories. I felt like they were so deeply etched in my mind, and for the longest time, I had a hard time believing things would get much better, or that it would ever become easier for me to look back and not have those be the most dominating memories I had of being a mother.

Will I ever completely forget what that junk was like? Oh, heck no. I will always remember how real and how difficult those days and months were. But now, I'm able to see myself as an even tougher woman for actually surviving all that. Those were bumps in the road that helped me grow, helped me learn more about myself, and helped to stir up a passion in myself to help other women who are either in that boat now or who have been there in the past.

Now, when I play that little slideshow in my head of the past 2 years, I see things like Kaylee taking her first steps in our office, and then later that night, taking more steps out in the living room after Dennis bribed her with a cookie.

I see her enjoying her first bite of cake, courtesy of my Dad.

I see her running all the way across a soccer field, just to get to the dirt border around the outside so she can play in the dirt and rocks instead of the soft grass.

I see a little girl who decided all on her own that it was time to start potty training, and who pretty much always thinks it's okay to just sit all the live long day on the toilet and "go potty more!" only to get off the toilet, state matter-of-factly, "Don't pee on da floor" and then proceed to pee on the floor.

I see her jacking a can of V8 out of the fridge and toting it around pretending to drink out of it as she walks around the house, and then saying, "Ahhhhh" after she's finished with her pretend drink.

I see a little girl who knows her ABC's and sings the Ippy Pider (Itsy Bitsy Spider) song all on her own.

I see a little girl who uttered, "Dammit!" in Wal-Mart today after I dropped a box of pasta off the shelf.

I see all the times Kaylee's face lit up each and every time Uncle Colin and Sarah came home from college after she'd gone months without seeing them.

I see my spunky little smiling, energetic, funny, smart, absolutely beautiful baby girl.

And, finally, I see myself as a damn good mother.

I no longer see a failure who still can't keep the house clean, who occasionally swears and loses my patience and struggles to stay sane some days. I no longer see a mess of a mom who never had it together.

Now I see a woman who balances a marriage, a job, friendships, family, being a mother, and trying to have some time to myself, among other things like oh, paying the bills and planning meals and countless other super-fun responsibilities.

I see a woman who still swears and loses my patience and struggles to stay sane, but now I see that as normal, rather than seeing it as a character flaw. I still don't have it together many days, and I know I will never "arrive" at a place where I'll have it all together. That'd be a load of crap. I see a mama who does her best and who realizes, more often than not, that that's all I can do.

Forget the pressure to be the perfect mother, to have a clean house, and to be Pollyanna. Screw than, man. It's just not me.

I see the way my daughter has turned out, and I know I've done okay. And I know I will do okay.

While I may not be proud of everything I do and the way I react to everything, I realize that's just fine. And I realize that my daughter needs to see that. She needs to see her mama as human. As imperfect and sometimes messy. As one in need of a daily happy pill and some time to myself, and a good, healthy dose of Grey's Anatomy once a week.

We made it.

We made it two years. And while she tries my patience like no other, she just keeps getting more fun.

Fun enough to give me the crazy notion that it's finally time to do this whole thing over again.

God help me...

Because we can only take so much of Barney and the Wiggles

Kaylee's been sick since about Tuesday (doctor said it was nothing more than a cold), and when she's sick, we let her watch about as much TV as she wants. Often, it's all that will calm her down.

Isn't it amazing how the very things that irritate us the most right now (uh...Barney and the Wiggles) can be so soothing to her?

Dennis and I can only take so much. Seriously. So, we've gotten to the point of just being totally ridiculous.

We can either nix the videos altogether, or we can have one crying, whiny, cranky kid who just needs a dose of Barney or the Wiggles to make the world a better place again.

We'd rather have a happy child.

So, what do we do? We put the videos on and then start dancing like idiots - I mean totally over-the-top, worse than Steve Urkel dancing.

Laugh all you want. It's our way of dealing with it. Parents do some crazy crap when they get an overconsumption of annoying toddler programs. Some turn to booze. Some might take up crack. Others might run away from home or join the circus. Anything to get away.

Us? Well, we dance until we have sufficiently irritated our child - just so she has a taste of the irritation that we, ourselves, experience. We start to dance and after we've gotten obnoxious enough for Kaylee to peel her eyes away from the TV, she notices us and gets a terrified look on her face and begins screaming a frantic, "NO! No-no-no! No! NO!"

And then we laugh until it hurts.

Because laughing is better than crack cocaine, folks.

Let's just go ahead and start things off with some cake down the dress.

Hands down, the funniest thing that happened at our wedding was during the cake cutting at the reception. Dennis and I talked beforehand about how it would go, and we didn't have plans for anything to get too crazy. Maybe a little bit of smeared frosting, but nothing crazy. Nothing crazy was the plan.

And then, the cake Dennis was about to give me took a nosedive straight down the front of my dress. We won't share the comment my dad made. You can just use your imagination. :)

*This post is a part of Writer's Workshop at Mama's Losin' It.

Little moments of dizzy joy.

Last night was a rough night - just stressful and overwhelming and emotional.

Put quite simply, my little dumpling was about to push me over the edge, and I was at my wit's end.

She's been on this crazy napping strike, so I've just been letting her stay in her crib during nap time, even if she's not asleep. She doesn't cry. She just talks. And talks. And talks. (And I have absolutely no idea where she gets that trait...)

Even though she's in there and I'm able to actually get some things done around the house on my own, it still drives me crazy. I'm going in to see if she's awake because there's a monster dump in her diaper or what (because she has a convenient way of crapping either as soon as I lay her down for her nap, or right after she's fallen asleep), or I'm going in there to give her The Look and do my best, "KaaaayLEE? LAY. down. NOW. It's NAP time!" in my low, scary mom voice.

It just drives me nuts. This kid didn't nap for her first year of life, and now, after 6 months of awesome naps every day, she's deciding that naps are maybe, just maybe, something that she's is above at this point in her little life.

Well, apparently spending an entire afternoon confined within the 4 walls of the crib charged her up like the freakin' Energizer Bunny. She was an absolute nut case once we finally let her out, and it made our night so memorable.

As I was trying to feed Kaylee her dinner and she was just messing around and irritating me, Dennis told me he'd stay home from karate because it looked like I needed a break. Praise the Lord, I may not lose my mind after all was my first thought...

So, I step into another room to get my composure back, and before long, Kaylee's out of her highchair and creating little whirlwinds all throughout our house.

She starts making this noise she does when she gets really excited about something. To me, it sounds like she's about to hyperventilate, but she gets the crazy baby eyes and this huge trouble-making grin, and then she proceeds to start spinning around in circles and laughing her head off. Then she takes off to try and walk straight and looks nothing short of a 2 1/2 foot tall drunk.

She had to be doing this for a good 15 minutes. And every time she fell down, she'd laugh at herself and get back up to do it again.

The kid drove me absolutely nuts yesterday.

Then, on that same day, all I could do was sit back, laugh my butt off at her, and realize that - without a doubt - one of the reasons she was brought into my life was to remind me not to take life to seriously...to just let go of the stress and the tension - to realize that what really matters is forgetting about all the other junk taking up space in my head and causing me stress - what matters is enjoying little moments like that and just laughing.

So, that's exactly what I did last night. And I enjoyed every minute.

Ahhhhh, finally. The fresh start I've been waiting for.

I'm sitting here right now with a big old sense of relief.

I just hit the publish button on my last review that I committed to do, and I feel like I've finally got the freedom to get back to the basics on my blog - to write for the reasons I began writing, and to not be bogged down by other obligations.

Recently I wrote about how I want to head in a new direction on the blog - stepping away from doing so many product reviews and giveaways (yet not being closed off to them completely), and actually sitting down to figure out exactly why it is that I have a blog in the first place.

I felt the need to establish a clear direction and clear set of goals for myself so that, in the future, I won't get distracted by all the other stuff that's out there that I don't necessarily need to be a part of.

Doing this final review on my to-do list was a huge wake up call to me. I agreed to do a book review, and it didn't take me long to decide that I was so not into this particular book. But, I was committed, so I invested my time in finishing it so that I kept my word. I love reading - it's one of my favorite things to do in the whole wide world, so to be spending time reading a book I did not love made me wake up and smell the coffee.

I realized there is no sense in doing something I don't want to do. My time is more valuable than that. So, I will only be writing about things that mean something to me and that do not cause me any more stress than I already have.

So, here's what I've come up with. I hope you'll stay along for the ride.

*Stick to the basics. The name Laughing Through the Chaos says it all. That's what I strive to do - to be able to laugh at myself and to be able to laugh through the tough stuff. And I hope I can help you do the same.

*Keeping it well-rounded. I may be a mommy blogger, but I don't always want to talk about all things mommy. There's plenty of other things that make me who I am, so I'll be talking about other stuff, too.

*Provide more information and resources relating to postpartum depression/postpartum mood disorders. I've become very passionate about this in the last year and a half, and I want this blog to be a place you can come for resources, support, and information.

*I want to use my blog to make a difference when it comes to certain social causes. I've been honored to use my blog as a way to get the word out in the past about an amazing non-profit group called The Fresh Air Fund (a group that provides inner-city kids with the opportunity to experience things they may never have the chance to do otherwise, such as fishing, chasing butterflies, or camping in the woods), and I hope to bring awareness about other organizations that mean something to me as well.

*I'm cutting way back on product reviews and giveaways, but - at the same time - I am not going to close my blog off to them completely. I am aiming to make product reviews few and far between, and they will only make it on to the blog if I'm absolutely crazy about them, and if I think they will benefit you in some way as well.

*On a related note, I am hoping that by cutting back on reviews and giveaways, it will allow me more time to create a sense of community among my readers. That could mean more interactive discussions in the comment section, actually having time to respond to some of your comments on an individual basis, and being able to visit some of your blogs. I continue to be amazed by the sense of community there is when a few of us all say that we've gone through the same thing.

So, that's where I'm headed. Those are my goals, and I think it's good to step back and re-evaluate them from time to time.

Thanks to all of you for actually caring about what I have to say and for sharing your own experiences along the way as well. You rock my face off. :)

Wednesday humor courtesy of moi. You're welcome.

Well, if you don't share my sense of humor, you may not laugh - you may think this is ridiculous and stupid, but I love it.

And frankly, I think we're in need of a little humor around here. We saw this a few days ago on TV and it just had me in stitches. Another reminder that when you're down in the dumps, funny stuff can really help lift you out of the funk you're stuck in.

Dennis and I get so excited every time Andy Samberg comes up with a new digital short on Saturday Night Live. He's just crazy and hilarious, and we love him. I wish we could be friends with him so we could sit around and insist that he makes us laugh all day and all night. But, he would probably think that was be weird, and - well, he's a celebrity, so we'll never be friends.

I'll just have to settle for watching his videos online. This is his latest, and it had us cracking up and rewinding the DVR to watch parts of it again. His facial expressions just kill me.

Andy Samberg - I Threw it On The Ground - watch more funny videos

Bustin' out the mommy superpowers

Ok, it's time for another awesome guest post. This time, it's coming from Jenners over at Life With a Little One and More. Jenners is an amazing writer, and she will just keep you in stitches with her humor. She's also an avid reader and has a book blog as well. When you're done reading this post, please go check her blogs: Life With a Little One and More and Find Your Next Book Here.

*****

So when my blogging buddy Sera asked me to write a guest post for her most excellent blog, I immediately said "Yes!" Then I immediately said, "But what should I write about?" Sera came up with the most excellent prompt: Superpowers that were activated the moment you became a mom. So here you go -- the amazing superpowers that came to me when I became a mom. How many do you have?

• The ability to deal with disgusting bodily fluids without throwing up. My entire life, I've been a sympathy gagger. If you throw up, I'll throw up. If I smell throw up, I'll throw up. If I see someone throw up, I'll throw up. I clearly remember a day inkindergarten . All of us kids were lined up in the hall and a kid threw up. The smell made me throw up. Then a bunch of other kids down the line threw up. It was like vomiting kiddominoes . But the moment I became a mom, I was able to deal with all kinds of disgusting things coming from my child without feeling even slightly nauseous -- even when my son vomited all over my face and shirt. However -- and this is important -- this superpower applies to your own children only. If I see someone else's child throw up, my stomach heaves and the nausea descends. And when my husband caught a stomach bug and was vomiting all over the place, I could not be within 10 feet of him without feeling sick.
  

• The ability to see signs of genius based on what others might call "very little evidence." I don't know about your child, but my child is a genius. When he was just 2 days old, he was showing the reflexes of a 8-day old! Although thepediatrician persists in saying my son is undergoing "normal development," I know better. What other 4-year-old answers "razzmatazz " in response to the question "What is your favorite color?" (It is so a real color! Just check the 120-color crayon box.) Although he may seem like a normal 4-year-old boy to you, I am his mother and my superpowers allow me to see the genius within. You see a scribble; I see Picasso. You hear acacophonous banging, I hear the next Keith Moon (drummer for the Who). You hear a boring, repetitive story; I hear the next Faulkner. You see a kid throwing a tantrum; I see a future Oscar winner.
  

• The ability to tell lies without even thinking about it. (Or, if you are morally opposed to lying, call this "the ability to provide plausible explanations at the drop of a hat to suit your own purposes.") I have never been a good liar, but once I became a mom, I found myself able to think up and perpetuate amazingly complex lies quickly and easily. Consider how I deal with the biggest lie of all -- Santa Claus. As my son has gotten older (and remember, I'm dealing with a genius here), he's thrown a bunch of questions at me about exactly how the whole Santa things works. "What if you don't have a fireplace? How does he fit everything into the sleigh? How does he watch me all the time and watch all the other kids?I don't understand why I have to donate some of my toys to Goodwill -- why doesn't Santa bring toys to all the poor children who don't have toys?" I've faced all of these questions and been able to come up with a brilliant lie each and every time. (Well, except for the poor children one. That is a doozy. Even my superpowers couldn't come up with a good answer for that one.) And I've become a master at telling little white lies: "We can't stop atMcDonald's ; the sign says they are closed for renovations." "Oh darn...the ice cream place just closed --they close at 3:00 p.m. in the summer." "That toy is only for children who eatbroccoli every night. It says so on the box." I sure hope this superpower adapts as my son learns to read and write.

• The ability to fall asleep anytime, anywhere, anyplace. Some may call it "a normal reaction to sleep deprivation," but I call it a superpower. Ever since I became a mom, I've been able to sleep inuncomfortable situations without any advance notice -- even if I just woke up 45 minutes before. I could be at a very noisy party and if there is a lull in the conversation, I'll just drift right off -- even if I'm standing up and have a drink in my hand.

• The ability to love and be more selfless than you ever thought possible. I've always been a fairly selfish person. I tend to like things arranged to best suit my needs. Like many others, I've always felt the world revolved around me. (Just ask my mother.) But when I became a mother, I found that I was gifted with a capacity for love that blew away any kind of love I had ever felt before. (Apologies to my husband ... I love you, sweetie, but it just isn't on the same level.) In addition, I was suddenly able to putsomeone's needs ahead of my own without being filled with seething resentment. If I was filled with hunger, I would still take care of my son's needs first. "Mommy's empty stomach be damned. Baby needs a diaper change!" This superpower amazed and surprised me -- and is perhaps the only one that allows me to handle this very difficult and challenging thing called motherhood.

Jenners

The latest scoop on poop

Before I get into our latest story, you should probably go read about our first bathtub poop experience - click here to read "Fishin' for Turds - My Maiden Voyage." It'll help you understand why I'm so excited about a certain bath toy that functions as so much more than just a bath toy...

If you're new to my blog, then you may very well have missed out on a lot of my crappier posts. And by crappier I don't mean that they were bad posts. There were just a lot of posts about, well - about crap, quite literally. They are all still very near and dear to my heart.

There was "Can't a girl just poop in peace?" - a post about how I eventually learned the art of the "fake poop" just to get a few moments all to myself.

There was, "Well, that's just crap-tastic" - a post about my child's first piece of artwork fashioned out of nothing but straight up baby crap.

Then, we had the aforementioned post about my first experience delving into the murky waters of the bathtub poop.

In case you decide to rob yourself of a good laugh and you decide not to read that post, basically I just talked about the first time I barehanded a baby turd out of the tub. It was the tiniest little turd you ever did see, and I wished to high heaven that I would have had a little net to scoop it up with.

Well, not too long after that fun little escapade, my mom got Kaylee some bath toys that all had a fishing theme. There's a fishing pole, fish that squirt water, foam water creatures that stick to the side of the tub, and perhaps most importantly, a "fishing" net so your kiddo can scoop up the toys as if they are on a fun fishing trip. Here's the gorgeous net I speak of.














See, whoever designed this set of bath toys was undoubtedly a parent. They realized that kids would see this as a fun mechanism for collecting toys. But, they knew parents would take one look at this net and they'd instantly come to the realization that this handy dandy net doubles as a poop net.

It's hard to believe, but several months have come and gone, and all the toy has been used for is scooping up toys. But, all good things must come to an end.

Two nights ago as I was sitting on the couch, doing some stuff for work and watching the season premier of Army Wives, I suddenly hear the booming voice of my husband coming from the bathroom where he was giving Kaylee a bath.

"Sera?!?!? Guess who just took a crap in the tub!"

"SERA!!! Get in here!!!"

I start giggling to myself, put my papers down, and run for the bathroom. This time, we had just a bit more than the tiny pencil eraser sized turd. There were multiple sinkers and floaters, and we needed a plan.

I grabbed a towel and Dennis handed me the baby (I was still laughing to myself as I took her to her room to dry her off). I reminded him about the baby turd net, and he bravely fished the turds out of the tub.

So, we finally got to use the "fishing" net for what I believe it was truly designed for. And I'm not even upset that I wasn't the one who got to break it in. I know my time is coming...