Forgetting how to be a grown-up

So, last night our Mommy and Me exercise group (of about 30 women) went out to a wine bar. It was yet another reminder that becoming a mother has caused me to forget how to be a grown-up.

A couple months ago, I went out shopping with a dear friend of mine for the afternoon. It had been quite a while since I'd been out in public with a friend.

She picked me up, I got in the car, and I was at a loss for words (and when my dad and my husband read that I was at a loss for words, their jaws will simultaneously crash to the ground). It was like I forgot how to communicate.

I couldn't think of anything to say, and when I did say things I either stuttered or rambled on with such nonsensical words as, "Kaylee I she pooped six times yesterday spaghetti I made for dinner need oil change."

The words would just come out and there was no logic to them at all. And I've been friends with this girl for about 10 years. I felt like such a moron.

I just had to look at her and tell her it had been a while since I'd actually gotten to hang out with a friend and not have the baby with me - it was like I forgot how to be. It was so bizarre.

It took me a good 20 minutes to get back in my groove, to where I could actually form sentences that normal people understand. It was like I needed to thaw out or something. It was crazy.

So, we finally pull up to our destination, I put the car in park, and we are still just gabbing away (we both love to talk). Finally, it hits me that we can continue the conversation inside the store, so I look at my friend, without actually thinking this through, and say in an excited Mom voice, "Ya wanna go outside?!" Just as if I was asking the question to my child, or to a puppy.

We got lost in our laughter, and eventually made our way into the store. She's got 2 kids, so she'd been in my shoes before. She totally got me, and it was no big deal.

Still, it made me wonder why, along with my once-skinny waist, my size 6 shoes, my perky boobs, and a living room floor that didn't used to be covered in crushed Cheerios - WHY did my ability to socialize like a normal human being have to disappear, too?

By nature, I'm an outgoing woman - I love to talk to people, meet new people, listen to people, but ever since becoming a mom, it's like some switch got flipped in my brain, and from time to time I revert back to my shy, nerdy high school girl persona.

So, back to last night's outing. I show up in JEANS (with a cute top and cute shoes, though) at a wine bar - what was I thinking?! And then I start comparing myself to all these moms who are just made up all gorgeous in their cute, trendy clothes. I felt like such a frumpalumpagous.

And I froze.

I didn't say much. I smiled or laughed when someone said something funny, I nodded at the appropriate times, I chimed in here or there with a comment, but I still didn't feel entirely comfortable.

Sure, it was nice to be out of the house and spend time with some other women, but it was just another reminder to me that somewhere in this past year, I've lost a little bit of myself, and I really, really hope I can find it again.