Friday, March 20, 2009

And my fears gave way to hope

I absolutely loved being pregnant with Kaylee.

I don't know a time when I've ever had a more optimistic and hopeful outlook on life.

I'll be honest with you, though. I didn't start out so optimistic. I didn't want to get my hopes up in case anything happened. In fact, at my first appointment to confirm the pregnancy with my doctor, I was so paranoid that I practically begged her to do an ultrasound to show me that I was, in fact, having a baby. I was just so worried something wasn't right. She just smiled patiently, went down the hall to get the portable ultrasound machine, and waltzed back into the room.

And then we saw this.

My tiny little jelly bean-sized bambino. Proof that she was there. That she existed. That my at-home pregnancy test wasn't playing a cruel joke on me. She was real, and she was growing, and I was finally going to be a mama.

This little picture meant the world to me, and for days and days, I'd just stare at it each night before I drifted off to sleep. Before I was able to hold this picture in my hands, I had these totally unfounded fears that something was wrong, and this picture just gave me so much hope.

A few (long) weeks later, we had another ultrasound and heard Miss Kaylee's heart just thump-thump-thumpin' away. More of my fears were eased as we soared past the riskiest part of the pregnancy.

A few weeks later, I had a little scare, and I remember calling in sick to work because I had to go in for another ultrasound to find out if my wee babe was alright. I had never been so terrified in my life. I remember crying, praying to God that my baby was okay, trying to keep my composure, and trying to remain optimistic.

I was scared to look at the ultrasound screen, and then we saw this.

In case you can't make that out, that's my girl. Doing a headstand. We couldn't help but laugh, and again, our fears and worries were chased away. Do you think God was trying to tell me to lighten up?

At this point, I finally realized I needed to quit focusing on fears and all the what if's. I had a healthy, thriving, future gymnast/ninja (I said gymnast. Dennis said ninja.) bopping around in my ever-growing belly, and I reached a point where I could finally accept that God was in total control, and all I could do was to sit back and trust that he would care for my baby. And I love control, so that was not an easy task for me.

It's too easy to get caught up in negative thinking, because - let's face it - there's plenty of things in life that suck and that can go wrong.

But, I want to teach Kaylee to love life, to live it fully, and to be optimistic as heck. She'll learn from me. She already mimics everything I do from coughing to laughing, to pretending to snore, to clapping and clicking her tongue. Why should I believe that's going to change any time soon?

Here's to teaching my daughter the beauty of an optimistic spirit...

Tiffany at The R Family Diaries is having a link up filled with optimistic posts. Head on over and vote for mine! Be sure to check out other posts while you're there too.


Deb said...

oh look at the peanut! that's quite an impressive little spine! tell dennis i think future ninja, too.

you are so right... optimism isn't necessarily easy! wise young woman, you are!

Kelly said...

I am loving all the positive posts that are floating around the blogosphere! I SO needed some positive thinking in my life! Thanks for having immpecable timing!!

Jonny's Mommy said...

Great post. Wow, I can so relate. I am so...pessimistic and need to be reminded to be optimistic. I was awful when I was pregnant -- so stressed out and worried something horrible would happen. Sometimes I think that is why I don't want to be pregnant again. I don't want to worry the whole time. But great post to show being positive is the way to go!

April said...

What a great post. With my first, I was to young and dumb to realize what could happen. With my second, I was so scared something would happen. She is my husbands first child and I wanted so badly for everything to be perfect for her and him. He had dealt with a miscarriage before with his previous wife and so I kept my fears to myself. The first thing he said when we got home with her was "God sure knows what he is doing." I realized right then and there nothing is in my control, but Gods and I have been so much happier since that day.

Joy said...

Well done overcoming your tendency to be fearful! Such a valuable thing to teach our children. :o)

Young Momma said...

I remember those early days so well. It was so easily a scary time - but I agree - you have to be optimistic!!! :) Very nice post.

Wayne said...

what great picture of a baby. I always think its amazing how they can take thoe kind of pictures

great photo friday

septembermom said...

Seeing the little peanut from the ultrasound picture is a defining moment in a pregnancy! A connection with the baby seems to strengthen instantly. It all feels so real at that moment. Nerves go out the window for a while as you ponder on the miracle of life growing inside. Now even after 4 kids, I get a special little feeling each time I see one of my ultrasound pictures.

Kristen said...

I remember vividly every US I had of J-bug. And the tears of joy!

Autumn Twig said...

this was such a beautiful post :) hopeful and happy with lots of life and memories.

*prayers and luck*

Diva Scrapper said...

Isn't it just the best feeling in the world to see our little ones growing inside our body. I've posted about my little one too in regards to optimism, please stop by.
Thanks for you sharing your story.

Jenners said...

I so relate to this post. I reacted the same way -- the first ultrasound was a talisman I looked at every night to remind myself it was real. Then I made my husband buy one of those fetal heart beat detectors (waste of money, by the way) because I was so scared that something was going to happen. Then during another ultrasound, they found some abnormalities in his kidney development and they wanted to monitor me more frequently -- this was a mixed blessing as I was terrified of the outcome but elated at getting to get regular ultrasounds so I could keep up with what was going on in there. It is so hard to just trust that things will be OK. And he was OK -- his kidneys were just fine. But I remember how much I worried and if he didn't kick for awhile, I would work myself up into a panic. I wasn't a person who loved pregnancy -- I was so glad when it was over and I could actually SEE him, and TOUCH him and CHECK that he was breathing and HOLD him.

I should post one of my ultrasounds -- I have a great one where you can see my son CLEARLY sucking his thumb! : )

Tiffany said...

Fabulous post. ... every mom can totally relate... I think you need to optimistic to survive parenthood in one piece!