Thursday, August 20, 2009

If I had a million dollars, this is what I'd give you.

Fasten your seat belts, people. It's Thursday, and that means it's time for another Writer's Workshop with Mama Kat from Mama's Losin' It.

This week, we're going to do some pretending. Let's pretend I have a million dollars. And, along with that, let's say I happen to be feeling rather generous. My new found riches and sudden generosity lead me to send you all lovely little gift baskets full of my current favorite things, not unlike Scary Mommy, who is actually having a real favorite things giveaway as we speak, and happened to be Mama Kat's inspiration for this prompt.

In my hypothetical and amazing gift to you, my readers, I'll be covering many aspects of your life - we're talking fashion, snack attacks, gettin' your groove thang on, exercise, baby care, some fabulous television programming to help you escape the stress of your daily life, and some rockin' music for the kids that won't drive you batty in the process.

So, let's start with getting that butt of yours off the couch and into shape. We begin with my pretend boyfriend, Gilad. According to Fit TV, the Wall Street Journal (or some other major publication, don't quote me on the Wall Street Journal Part) "hails" Gilad as "an Israeli studmuffin." Not only is he a studmuffin, but over the past month, he's taken the place of Jillian Michaels in the majority of my at-home workouts. So, your first present from me? One year of personal training with Gilad. He won't fit in the basket, so I'd make you a gift certificate in Microsoft Word and stick it in there with the rest of the goodies. Oh, and no '80's spandex wedgie leotard required, unless you're into that sort of thing.

Next, I'd offer you a year's worth of Zumba lessons. I discovered Zumba a week or two ago, and it's the most fun I've ever had working out. We've already talked about how I couldn't dance to save my life, but maybe - just maybe - I'd have a chance after a few more weeks of Zumba. Seriously - this is some mad fun, people. We're talking Latin dance moves, salsa, cha-cha-cha's and a whole lot of shimmyin' and shakin'. It's like exercise in disquise because it's so fun, and it burns up to 800 calories per hour. If you're wondering what Zumba looks like, and what I look like when I do Zumba, the watch the 30 second video below. Watch the dancers in the back for proper technique, and watch the toddler in front for a more accurate picture of what yours truly looks like during Zumba class.

Ok, next is a snack. We all have snack attacks, and for us moms, when we forget to pack our own snacks in the diaper bag, sometimes we're left with no choice but to eat the snacks we packed for the kids. If your child is a toddler, you can rejoice because this no longer means you have to eat baby food from a jar, flaky, unmixed formula, or Gerber rice puffs. That's right - once your kid hits toddlerhood, you'll be arm wrestling them for their snacks. Dennis and I practically had a knock down drag out fight yesterday when I found out he ate the last four of the Sesame Street Very Vanilla Letter of the Day cookies. If you haven't tried these, you don't know what you're missing. So, let's toss a box or two of these in your gift basket.

Next, you need to feel good in your clothes. I've talked before about wanting the perfect pair of jeans, and finally finding them. In my roller coaster up and down battle with eating sweets and carbs and exercising and not exercising, I've occasionally whined about not being able to fit in my favorite pants. Well, since getting my butt back in gear, the pants fit again, and can I just say there is nothing else in life like have a pair of jeans that fit perfect and get comfier each day you wear them? I love, love, LOVE my Big Star Maddie fit bootcut jeans. Just the right amount of stretch , and oh-so-cute. So, here you go - a hot pair of jeans. You're welcome.

So, since we're having so much fun pretending, let's say you're home by yourself for once in your life. Hey, miracles can happen, people. You put on your favorite jeans that now fit thanks to Gilad and Zumba, curl up on the couch after you grab a handful of your cookie monster cookies and wonder, "Well, what in tarnation should I watch?" You will find the answer to this question nestled to your gift certificate for a year's worth of workouts with Gilad. You will find one of my very favorite shows ever - Army Wives. And it's guaranteed time and space for yourself because you couldn't pay your man enough money to watch an episode with you. I'm giving you Season One in case you've never seen it. Always start from the beginning. Always.

Next, you need to keep your kid distracted while you're driving, and your Top 40 station is just not cutting it anymore. You have finally given in and ventured into the world of children's music, only to be sorely disappointed about having to listen to songs sung by crazy purple dinosaurs (I didn't use the actual "B" word - did you notice?), puppets, or children hopped up on helium. No - there will be none of that for you. You deserve much better. From the band that brought you "One Week," "The Old Apartment," and "Pinch Me" comes a CD that's kid-friendly, but very, very easy on adult ears as well. I'm talking about Snack Time by the Barenake Ladies. Awesome, awesome CD. How can you not love a CD that talks about microwaved chocolate donuts being someone's favorite snack? It's my current favorite kid CD.

Ok, so you've been spending time with Gilad each day, hitting Zumba a couple times a week, slamming your cookie monster letter cookies, spelling all sorts of fun words with them, rocking your new pair of jeans, and driving your kid around town while you run errands listening to music that keeps the kid happy and keeps your sanity in check. So many good things! But, something was bound to go wrong.

Your kid gets a crazy bad fever, and your old put-in-under-the-armpit digital thermometer is taking way too long and your baby hates it, and oh crap, now you have to start taking the temperature all over again because your baby grabbed the thermometer and tried to jab your eye out with it. What ever will you do?

You will not panic, of course, because the last item I will so generously provide you with is a little piece of technological genius known as the temporal thermometer. Just run it across the forehead, and wa-LA. Works on sleeping babies, ready in 1 second, and proven in several hospital studies to be as accurate as the baby bum-bum method of taking temperatures. Every household with kids absolutely, positively needs one of these puppies. It's been a lifesaver, and now it can be your lifesaver, too.

But, only if you go buy it yourself because I'm cheap, and we're just pretending.


Kelly said...

I definitely need to purchase the temporal thermometers!!
Grear list!

Lisa Anne said...

LOl my sister just told me about Zoomba lessons. She asked me to go to her class with her. Since she's spoken of it, all I do is hear people talking about it.

Dan said...

At least I can go for the Bare Naked Ladies tunes. Somehow I don't think the "cute" jeans would go well on me. {*grin*}

TheSingleGirl said...

The cookies have been added to my shopping list...

Those jeans look awesome, how did you know?

And that thermometer, yes please!


Linda @ My Trendy Tykes said...

I keep hearing so much about zumba.....I really want to try it. We have one of those thermometers too!

Molly said...

Funny! Now that is a gift basket I would like to have!

Miss. Candy said...

Where do they sell those jeans at? I am always looking for a place to buy some comfy great fitting ones!!! By the way, my kids think the thermometer is a brain reader!!

Beth said...

Gilad is hilarious. I love BKE jeans! The Star Stretch are my favorite. They make any butt look great!

Allyson said...

Great stuff!! You're so generous to us silly blog stalkers :)

I must get that thermometer...the digital one we have seriously doesn't work. What store did you get yours at?

Have a great day!

Kristen said...

Umm. You can keep Gilad :p And Zumba looks like a blast. And the boy is adorable. So I'm sure you are just as adorable as him. Right?
For the record, I have that thermometer. I have had it for a few years and I love it. LOVE IT!!!

Mama Kat said...

I'll take two of everything. Thank you!

MommyBrain said...

The temporal thermometer is the BEST "baby" purchase I ever made, and I tell all my expecting mommy friends to put it on their registry - 'cause it ain't cheap and you might as well have someone else buy it for you! And, oh, how I love me some BNL - their kids' CD is as much for mommies and daddies as it is for little ones! Great post :)

Jenners said...

Where is the chocolate woman!!!!!????????

And those cookies are awesome.

And Gilad just looks ... cheesy.

The Dapper Darling said...

haha...this is cute. I also love Zumba...I went to one class when I was in the US and was dancing so hard I hurt my knee. It was worth my week of limping!

The Dapper Darling said...

OH I FORGOT...Happy sits sharefest!