Writer's Workshop - the impossibly fun poem

It's that time again. Time for Mama Kat's Thursday Writer's Workshop. I decided to be super brave this week and write a poem. Remember my sorry attempt at a haiku during my very first Writer's Workshop post? I'm won't lie to you. It sucked, and I promise this poem will be way, way better.

First, you need to understand that I'm not a poem kind of girl, and I wasn't sure if it would even be possible for me to actually pull this off. I've always loved writing, but poems are just not my forte. I suck at rhyming and all stuff that poems are made of. But, I like a good challenge, so I chose the prompt about writing a poem. These are the requirements:

Write a 26-line poem using all the letters of the alphabet, where the first line starts with the letter "A," the second "B," the third "C," etc., culminating with the final line starting with "Z."

I sat down and started writing a poem all about baby poop and baby barf and how I hadn't showered in 2 days, and I was pretty impressed with myself for the line that began with the letter F. The preceding lines had been about dealing with said poop and such, and it was high time for an expletive, so the line went like this: "Frick, frick-a-frack, cock-a-doodly-doo." I was too proud of that not to share it with you. Unfortunately, that little piece of genius didn't make the final cut because my poopy, barfy, non-showery poem sucked.

It just wasn't coming together. So, I deleted what I had, took a step back, and decided that I needed to write something that didn't have to do with being a mom or my newest obsession with the Duggars.

So, without further adieu, I present you with my poetic masterpiece...

Alphabet Soup

All things that are chocolate,
Books that aren't true.
Candy and
Daisies, but not
Even the
Flu.
Girly accessories,
Headbands and rings.
I'm talking about all of my favorite things.
Jumpin' Jehosephat - that's fun to say!
Kitty cats,
Lollipops and steak
Marinade.
Norah Jones, but not
Oprah.
Pink stuff and juice.
Quite frankly I even like Dr. Suess.
Randy from Idol and
Seattle Grace.
Try to hurt me and I'll spray you with mace.
Umbrellas in rainstorms and
V-Dubya bugs.
Weddings, my family, and
Xeptional rugs.
Yard sales, and coupons - some sparkly bling.
Zeze are a few of my favorite things.

I think I've created a monster...

Seriously. Someone needs to take my temperature. I think I'm coming down with something.

I DVR'd "Bringing Home Baby Duggar." Do you think it's safe to say that I've officially gone off the deep end? Please, please don't answer that...it was a rhetorical question.

When I started blogging I never imagined that I would suddenly take such an interest in this family. I'm blaming it on Mama Kat because I never blogged about them until she prompted me to write a letter to someone who bothered me, and I happened to choose Michelle Duggar. Click here to read the letter.

Now I just can't stop. The family has always intrigued me and freaked me out a bit, but the more I learn, the more sucked in I get.

I think Michelle is sending out some sort of weird voo doo vibes through the television or something. I don't know.

Anyway, I don't want to overdo it, so I think I'm going to start a "sometimes weekly" slot for my reflections on the Duggars. I am hesitant to say it will be every week because I hate pressure, and that's too much pressure. So, it just depends on if I have material and if I have time. It will be called - Freaky Fridays: Your Weekly Dose of the Duggars or something similar to that anyway.

I'll change it up from week to week so you won't have to constantly be reading these hugely long posts about why the Duggars baffle me. Some weeks we'll have longer commentary, other weeks it'll be quick thoughts, and we'll even throw in a video here and there.

It's going to be crazy, fun times, people. Crazy, fun times. Emphasis on the crazy.

And for my regular readers who are wondering, Miss Kaylee is doing a bit better. Still not 100%, but she's getting better. Last night she was groggy again after throwing up, but we knew she was okay because she was clapping in her sleep. :) Thanks for the well wishes!

Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It - Duggar Style

This week, I'm paying tribute to Josh Duggar - the oldest of the Duggar Family's 856 children. Whey does he deserve a tribute? Because. Because this crazy kid managed to escape and moved out of his family's home when he married Anna.

(Is anyone else as freaked out by the matching polo shirts as much as I am?)

Alright, now that I've paid him tribute, I don't feel so bad about talking some smack. Let's get to it!

So, yesterday I told you all about how Dennis played a very cruel joke on me by actually recording "A Very Duggar Wedding." We all know how I feel about the Duggars. I do think that watching the show may have shown a temporary lapse in sanity on my part. But, from the beginning, I knew it would provide me with some good blogging material, so please sit back, relax and enjoy reading some things I learned by watching this psychotic show.

Let me just add a little disclaimer that we foolishly deleted the episode after watching it, not thinking about the fact that I would need it to gather direct quotes from so that I could accurately report what I watched. I searched far and wide on YouTube and couldn't find what I was looking for, so please don't come after me with baseball bats telling me I misquoted something.

Ok, so let's move on to the interesting tidbits that I gleaned from this family, shall we?

1. There was absolutely no dancing and no alcohol at the reception. This, in itself, doesn't bother me one bit. But, wait until you hear why. The father of the Duggar boy's wife explained: It's because Jesus didn't actually turn water into wine. The word wine actually meant "grape juice," and also - we know that when ladies dance it seduces the men, so it wasn't even a thought in their mind to have dancing.

2. The Bible says a woman's hair is her crowning glory. So, I guess that explains why all the Duggar girls have long hair. God forbid they ask if they could get a hip, stylish bob because that would mean they would be cutting off their crowning glory.


3. Anna was IRONING Josh's clothes on the wedding day. Are ya effin' kidding me? Really? REALLY!?!?!

4. The Duggar boy and his wife did not kiss until they were at the altar. And that is precisely why their engagement only lasted 3 months. (That last sentence is just me drawing a rather obvious conclusion.)

5. They had "chaperones" with them the day of the rehearsal and the day of the wedding so they weren't alone together. Apparently people who are in their 20s and getting married need chaperones because they cannot be trusted to not have sex in a church. On their wedding day. Where any of their 800 million siblings could walk in on them at any time.

6. The chaperone thing wasn't just a one time deal. It was part of the relationship. The entire time. I did my research, people. So, a story that People magazine did about the Duggars explained the "courtship." They met at a home-schooling conference and "kept in touch by phone ever since, including some visits – chaperoned, of course." (Click here for the source, if you don't believe me. ) I have no words for this. No words.

7. Jim Bob (Duggar Daddy - yes, Jim Bob is his real name) takes his son to give him the "Birds and the Bees" talk - on his WEDDING day, and presents him with a Christian DVD all about the wedding night, and a book, complete with illustrations, just so dear sonny boy can figure out "how things work." He actually used the words, "It's kind of like Legos." No. WAY. No way. Of course Josh acted mortified that his dad would provide him with such things and told him, "I think I know how it works." Yeah. You may have sheltered the crap out of your kids, but do you really think he doesn't know how to do the hibbity dibbity? Come on, Jim Bob.

(At this point, my right eye had been completely jabbed out with the butter knife. But, since I still had one eye left, I kept watching - I couldn't turn away)

8. Never once did I see Michelle without a smile. Even when she was crying as her son said his vows, she had her freaky, brainwashed smile plastered on her mullet head.

9. The Duggar kids have a sense of humor. One brother hooked up the brake line to the horn so when they drove off after the wedding, the horn went off every time he hit the brakes. Oh, and they wrapped the car in saran wrap. Duggar boy and wifey were PaHISSED. They were ready to go to the hotel and get busy starting their future family of 86 children. Because Michelle said she would eat them alive if Anna wasn't pregnant for every year of her non-menopausal life.

10. They also committed to each other - in their vows - that they were going to allow God to determine the amount of children they would have as well as the timing of each child. This is why I wish I still had the episode on the DVR. The way the statement was written just sounded so weird and brainwashy. I don't have a problem with people having the religious belief that God will determine the size of their family. Think what you want to. Whatever. But, this girl promised to God (in not so many words) that she wouldn't use birth control or attempt to avoid having kids. Ever. That just seems like a lot of pressure. Say she has one and realizes that she needs a fair amount of time to pass before ever thinking of having another child because it was so difficult and draining. Nope. From the way I understand things, she doesn't have a choice. And, I have a hard time believing that God is actually upset with people who choose to put some space between their kids in order to maintain some semblance of sanity.

*Left eye has been completely jabbed out by this point*

So, Josh Duggar, my hat is off to you for being the first to successfully escape your crazy brainwashing parents. But, I'll take my hat back now because I'm 124% sure that you are going to do the exact same thing to each of your own children. And that scares me. A lot.

Now, go check out Jay and Deb for more Tuesday's Tribute posts, ya hear?

Oooooh, no he didn't...

Yes. Yes, he did.

The following conversation took place this morning at our house:

Dennis: Oh. Hey, hon! Guess what I DVR'd for you?

Me: I don't know. What?

Dennis: Guess.

Me: I don't want to guess. Just tell me.

Dennis: I'll give you a clue. It's about one of your favorite people EVER!

Me: *naively thinking he is being serious, I jog through the possible choices in my head - Brad Pitt, Stephen Colbert, Will Ferrell...* I don't know! Just tell me!

Dennis: I recorded "A Very Duggar Wedding!!!"

Me: You did NOT.

Dennis: Yes, I did. *insert evil grin here*

And, yes, we watched it. Out of pure, morbid curiosity. And it's a good thing I can type without looking at the keys because I jabbed both my eyes out with a butter knife by the time the show ended.

Tune in tomorrow to find out what fun new things I learned about my favorite family ever - The Duggars.

(And if you actually believe they're my favorite family ever, I think you better go read my letter to Michelle Duggar.)

Flying off the handle

God, I hate it when I lose it. And boy did I lose it this morning.

It started last night. I had a stressful day at work. We were operating on a Condition Red which means all the beds were full and people were backed up in the ER waiting to be admitted to the hospital for hours. This puts a huge strain on our department because one of our primary goals is to get patients discharged. Everyone was stretched to the max and freaking out a bit. So I left work and was feeling a bit frazzled.

Then, right after I got off work we met a friend of ours for pizza. After that I had to run to CVS because I had $20 in Extra Care Bucks that expired yesterday, so I had to use them last night or else it would be like throwing away money, and that would have been just ridiculous. So, I shopped and I got 2 Colgate toothpastes, 3 Gillette shampoos for hubby, and a luxurious Vitamin shampoo for myself, spent just 14 cents, and got about $15 in back in Extra Care Bucks to use on future retail therapy. Well worth the trip.

So, by the time I actually got home, it was nearly time for Kaylee to go to bed, which bummed me out. I hadn't had any good, quality one-on-one time with her that day. Here begins my bummed outedeness (I love inventing new words).

I had two sinks of dirty dishes, a dishwasher full of clean dishes that needed to be put away, a load of clothes in the washer (that are still there, by the way, and probably starting to get stinky...) and 3 loads of laundry on the couch that needed to be folded. The kitchen was starting to smell from the chicken guts that were in the trash from when I actually cooked dinner the previous night. The kitchen counter was being overtaken by random stuff.

So much for my new rules of not piling laundry on the couch unless I put it away immediately and the rule of picking up the kitchen nightly to prevent pileups.

I have always struggled with housekeeping, and I give myself no mercy. I lay the guilt trip on myself if things start to get messy, and I tell myself I suck at being a good housewife.

Remember how I spent an entire day cleaning while my mom watched Kaylee for me? Our kitchen, dining room and living room have been CLEAN ever since. I just maintain them daily by picking stuff up, and it's really not so hard.

So, last night I got home, and the last damn thing on my mind was doing anything domestic. I just needed to decompress, so I got on the computer, checked my email and did blog stuff.

Then it was time for bed. I couldn't sleep. I was feeling anxious. I felt like my house was headed for the shitter again because it's just a domino effect around here. Once things start piling up it goes down hill quickly, and before you know it, I will need another all day cleaning fest.

When Dennis came to bed I told him I couldn't sleep and was feeling anxious. I was getting that funny, anxious feeling in my chest and I was trying not to freak out because I didn't want to have an anxiety attack like the one and only one I've ever had, which was 4 days postpartum with Kaylee. It was terrifying. So, I just took some deep, slow breaths and tried to calm down.

I managed to sleep, and then this morning happened.

The house smelled like ass (excuse my French - I'm pissy this morning, and I cuss more when I'm pissy. It's just who I am.) from the damn rotting chicken in the garbage. It's a smell that just permeates the whole house and makes you feel nauseous.

Then I spent the better part of the morning working on getting our dinner ready (we're having crock pot chicken and dumplings tonight - thank God for comfort food), getting Kaylee's food ready for the day, and packing her bag for the babysitter's. By the time all that was done, nearly an hour had gone by, and who wakes up but my little princess.

Crying. And hungry. As she very well should be after sleeping for 11 hours straight. But my hair was wet, dammit! My makeup wasn't on. My favorite jeans that I wanted to wear for casual Friday were frickin' WRINKLED and I didn't have time to iron them (which turned out to be okay because once I put them on and realized how wrinkled they were I also realized how tight they were). Add another thing to my list of frustrations. My damn pants are too tight. Grrrr...

I just couldn't take it. I flew off the handle. I blew up at Dennis. All because he couldn't read my mind and know all the things I wanted help with. Ice Queen had emerged, and apparently there are 6 more weeks of winter because she would NOT go back underground.

I hate it. I HATE it when I get like this. But I just can't keep it together all the time...

Dammit.

Just call me the stain vigilante

A few days ago I sat down at my little computer to share this very cute picture with you.


We had just introduced Kaylee to blueberries, and she was just the cutest little purple mess I'd ever seen in my life.

Then it occurred to me...her new found love of blueberries was going to mean many a ruined outfits unless I put a smock over her and covered every square inch of her hair/skin/face/appendages with plastic wrap or something. And I'm not really crazy about wrapping my kid in plastic wrap just for the sake of saving her clothes - it seems a wee bit risky, if you ask me.

So, in my blueberry post, I made a remark about how the Tide to Go pen was going to become a much bigger part of our lives now, and wouldn't ya know...someone who works with Tide doing PR work emails me. :)

Know what I got in the mail today? A box full of Tide to Go pens. Some are to keep on hand and some are to give away to my readers. (More details on how you can win one of these handy little doo dads as well as a mini motherhood survival kit tomorrow...)

But, before I just start handing these things out like hotcakes, I figured it would probably be a good idea to tell you a little bit about why I love them.

This is what happens to Kaylee's onesies when we let her delve into a full rack of ribs at Chili's. Since we were not at Chili's and since my child was busy crying about her vampire teeth poking her tender little gums, I decided to do a little test. I had to do something to distract myself and to avoid throwing a shoe through my living room window at record speed.

So, here you have it. A barbecue stain on one of Kaylee's perfectly white onesies.

Oh, dear me. What ever will I do? Hmmm, I don't know. Perhaps it's time to bust out a little piece of magic I like to call the Tide to Go Mini.

Yes, you heard me. Mini. Meaning it still packs the same mean punch as the regular Tide to Go pen, except that it's smaller, leaving more room in your purse/diaper bag for other important things, like pieces of chocolate, or a small bottle of vodka.

So, I bust out the pen, press it into the stain, and then basically just color the stain away with the pen. It's so awesome. See for yourself.


You'll notice a little of the bbq sauce color, but I didn't work it in for too long (screaming vampire baby, remember?) So, now we're good to go and I'll just add a little extra pre-treating to it before I wash it. It works great on things like juice, ketchup, bbq sauce, coffee - all the stuff that we usually spill on our clothes at the most inopportune of times.

Dennis is a teacher, and one of my lovely readers who also happens to be a teacher said these things work great for getting coffee stains off the front of shirts.

So, there you have it. My new best friend. The Tide to Go Mini.

Now, if I only I can resist the urge to go purposely stain things in my house, just for an excuse to use my little pen...it's that fun. You know you want one...

Aprons and Tide pens and screaming babies with vampire teeth, oh my!

Sure as shit, today is just going to be one of those days...

So, Kaylee has her bottom 2 teeth in, right? The two top teeth usually come next, right? Well, uh - not so much with my kid. She's got her two little vampire teeth poking through under the gums and they are SHARP. I wish they'd just come through already.

Anyway, I'm officially declaring today Screaming Vampire Baby Day at our house because that is all that's going on around here. Screaming. And screaming. And screaming. I'll be screaming next - anytime now. Poor kiddo is only happy if she's being held, and it's really hard to eat, take a shower and dry my hair while holding a child. Hence the screaming child who cannot be held every waking moment.

In an effort to maintain my sanity and happiness, I am going to tell you about a few happy things that you really need to be aware of.

Let's start off with some giveaway news. Who doesn't love a giveaway, right?

First giveaway: It's week three of Mama Kat's apron giveaway. This week she's featuring aprons from another great seller at etsy.com. This is my favorite apron in her etsy shop. Isn't it cute? I think it definitely has my name written all over it. So, click here to visit Mama Kat and to enter the giveaway for yo bad self.


Second giveaway: Summer at Le Musings of Moi is having one of the coolest giveaways I've ever heard of. It's a care package, carefully selected and prepared by Summer herself. It's got skin care, makeup, a headband, nail polish, and more! It sounds so girly and fun and fantastic. I'm hoping I win that one, too. So, click here to visit Summer and check out her giveaway.

Third giveaway: I'm jumping up and down for joy over this one! Do you remember me telling you about how I was about to embark on a beautiful relationship with a little something called the Tide to Go pen? Well, a certain someone who works with Tide is overnighting me some of these little beauties to give away to my fabulous readers! So, hang on to your hats because that will be happening soon and very soon.

In other news, you need to check out April over at April Showers by clicking here. She was the featured blogger over at SITS yesterday and she's working with me to redesign my blog. I know, I know - I just redid the layout not long ago, but it's just not what I'm looking for, and I'm Photo Shop challenged. She's got lots of orders, so a bit of time will need to pass before the changes are up, but I'm totally excited about it.

Well, please excuse me and my ringing ears as I attempt to pry my squealing child off of me so I can go finish getting ready for my day.

Where's my damn chocolate!?!?

All the validation I need

I triumphed over my technical difficulties, so I have a video for you of my little cheerleader. I thought it was appropriate for Tuesday's Tribute. So, this week I'm paying tribute to my clapping genius of a child. Clap on, Kaylee. CLAP. ON.

Be sure to go check out Jay and Deb for more Tuesday's Tribute posts from other bloggers.

Yo Claim Jumper...you WILL be mine.

Betcha can't guess where I'm going to lunch today...

Chocolate mother lode cake, personal pepperoni pizza and delectable salad with Asian pears, candied walnuts, raspberries and citrus dressing...

You will be mine. Oh yes. You will be mine.

Clap on, clap off - the clapper!

Kaylee started clapping in the recent past, but today something finally clicked, and no matter what she's doing, if we say, "Yay!" she'll clap. On demand. It's so sweet - she hates to perform on demand, but for now - she'll do this.

So, I've come up with a fun little plan.

Let me first start off by telling you that Dennis is great about making me feel appreciated and he tells me thanks for what I do around the house. But, what about those times during the day when it's just me and Kaylee, and I've crushed 5 different Cheerios into the carpet in 5 different places, I forgot to put the lid on the washing machine down and all the suds disappeared without the clothes actually getting washed, and I never hit start on the dishwasher even though there's still another load in the sink waiting to get washed? What about THOSE days, people?

She doesn't speak yet. Who will tell me what a good job I'm doing then?

Well, Kaylee, of course.

I got it on video tonight, but of course I'm having electronic issues.

So, maybe you'll get a video later, but for now my little dialogue will have to do. It went something like this.

Me: "Kaylee, Mommy's doing laundry. Yay!!!!"

Kaylee: *big smile and claps*

Me: "Kaylee, Mommy's cooking dinner tomorrow night. Yay!!!"

Kaylee: *big smile and claps*

Me: "Kaylee, Mommy just ate 2 pounds of chocolate. Yay!!!"

Kaylee *big smile and claps*

I love her so much...

First Post Friday - How my choas all began

So, Deb over at Dirty Socks & Pizza came up with a fabulous idea to link up to your very first post, giving readers a chance to see how it all began.

I haven't been blogging for all that long, but when I started out I had very few readers. Now that I have more readers and followers (I love followers - follow me on the right side bar. It's easy, and fun, and all the cool kids are doing it!), I figured I'd join in and link you up to my very first post, just so you know why I write what I write.

So, here ya have it....my very first post. Enjoy.

Welcome to the Chaos

And hey, if you have nothing else to do, feel free to read some of the other archives, too. I highly recommend Fishin' for Turds: My Maiden Voyage. It's pretty darn funny, if I do say so myself.

I'll take some Tap Tap Revenge with a side of 30 Rock, please

This week's Writer's Workshop from Mama Kat (see above) is frickin' awesome! You better be excited because you're gonna get to read a whole crap load of fun stuff from me today. Wanna know what's in store?

Well, I've got a fabulous music video for your viewing pleasure, circa early 1990s. Next, I'll be sharing one of my favorite recipes with you. You'll also have the privilege of discovering what 5 of my most current favorite things are. Are you jumping up and down with excitement yet? Because you should be. If you're not, then you better get your head examined.

So, first off, allow me to share with you a fabulous song from the first CD I ever purchased with my own money. Frickin' Ace of BASE, people. Name of the CD? The Sign. I remember playing basketball outside by myself with my larger than life boom box next to the hoop, playing this very song on repeat for HOURS. One time the crotchety old lady from next door came over and asked me to turn it down. What a bizatch! I listen to the song now, and I realize how ridiculous of a song it is, but it just takes me back, and all I can do is smile.

I'm notorious for screwing up song lyrics, but I swear the first line of this is: "I bought a phone, yeah!" Tell me what you think. I'm pretty much 23% sure that I've gotta be right on this one.

Without further adieu, I bring you the classic '90s hit, "The Sign." Don't enjoy it too much.



Next! A favorite recipe...

I love recipes that are easy, delicious, and taste like I spent forever working on them. The recipe I'm going to share with you is a variation on a recipe called Chicken Surprise that a friend shared with me, and a crockpot recipe I found online. I really don't have a name for this, but it's good. Let's call it Crockpot Chickeny Salsa Bean Extravaganza. If you need to cook gluten-free, check out The Crockpot Lady's site for her version.

Crockpot Chickeny Salsa Bean Extravaganza

1. Turn your crockpot to Low.
2. Add about 4 or 5 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (you can even add them frozen!)
3. Dump in a jar of salsa (I recommend whatever brand is on sale - who frickin' cares, anyway?).
4. Dump in a can of black beans.
5. Cook for about 6-8 hours.

You can eat as is, or you can shred the chicken. You can also add corn if you want at the beginning, but I choose not to. Now, if you want it to be creamy, add a brick of cream cheese during the last 30 minutes and then stir it all together. We've tried it both ways, and we prefer it without the cream cheese. If you want it to be soupier, add some chicken broth - however much you want.

And lastly, I will be sharing 5 of my current favorite things with you. Let's take it from the top.

One: L'Oreal beauty tubes mascara























Listen to me. Are you listening? You HAVE to buy this mascara. HAVE to. I've always had an issue with mascara smudging, rubbing off, making me have raccoon eyes halfway through the day, or clumping. Not pretty. This stuff frickin' rocks! I bought it after I read Summer's review (please go check her out at Le Musings of Moi, by the way - she's a riot!), and I will never go back. You really need to read Summer's review - I'm pretty sure you'll feel compelled to buy it after you read it.

DOS and TRES: The 8 gig iPod touch. One of THE best inventions ever. Given to me by Mom and Pops at Christmas, it's definitely going down as one of the best Christmas gifts ever given to anyone. anywhere. Number 3 goes right along with it, and that - my friends - is Tap Tap Revenge. Available free at the app store, it's like a handheld version of guitar hero. Just warning you - it's addicting. You probably won't get anything done for at least a day after you discover the fun that IS Tap Tap Revenge (that's it on the screen right there).























Four: Frickin' baby formula. Seriously. I love this stuff (for Kaylee, not me personally). It makes my life easier, and it means my boobs are mine again. In fact, I'm so excited about formula that I wrote a whole post about how excited it makes me. Click here to read all about it.














And, lastly, #5. Liz Lemon.

Otherwise known as Tina Fey's character on NBC's 30 Rock. Dennis and I watched an episode a couple seasons ago and weren't really crazy about it, but this year we gave it another shot, and now we don't miss an episode. It's so dang funny! Liz Lemon is my favorite. Enjoy this quick little montage of Liz Lemon-isms. Funny stuff, people. Funny stuff.

Click the picture of Mama Kat at the beginning of the post to check out more brilliant Writer's Workshop posts from other bloggers.

Hellloooo, Tide to Go Pen

We just tried blueberries, and I have a feeling this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship with a little something I like to call the Tide to Go Pen - for instant stain removal purposes. How I've managed to make it without one in the diaper bag for this long I have no idea...

Thanks to Angie at 7 Clown Circus for hosting another fun Wordful Wednesday. Pop on over and say hello by clicking on the button below.

Snowed In

Well, our wish came true. We're sittin' at home enjoying our snow day. They haven't even touched our roads yet, so we'll be keeping our cozy little selves inside for a while.

Kaylee wasn't exactly thrilled with the snow. Maybe next year.

I know, I know. You are jealous of my ability to create such beautiful writings in the snow with one of these bad boys.


We don't have a sled, so we just got creative with a giant storage tub. Hey, it worked. That little multi-colored poof in the corner? That's Kaylee's head.

Michael Phelps, the Michelle Duggar wannabe, and a few other things weighin' on my mind...

This week for Mama Kat's Thursday Writer's Workshop, I could have written a poem, told you about a talent I have, shared a lie I told, or - OR - I could choose to do one of my most favorite hobbies - write a list. The list must be made up of ten things that were on my mind this week. That shouldn't be a problem, since the wheels are always turning up in this noggin. So, let's get on with the list, shall we?

Ok.

1. Michael Phelps. What the hell, Michael Phelps? You let someone take a picture of you smoking pot? Your a friggin' celebrity, dude. Have you not heard about Paris Hilton's little snafu? And now you're trying to pass this off as a youthful mistake? You used up your stupid youthful mistakes quota when you got your DUI at age 19. Knock it off, dude. Like you NEED something to give you more of the munchies - you already eat 80 bajillion calories a day and have zero percent body fat (for that I hate you, by the way). Quit being such a cotton-headed ninny muggins, you stupid fool.

2. The lady who had 8 babies at once. Ok, so at first I heard the story and I was all, "WOW. That's so amazing - the babies were all born healthy! What fantastic news - this is such a miracle." Yadda, yadda, yadda. Then I find out she already HAD 6 kids and now she's asking for $2 million before she'll give any interviews and such. Father of the babies - not involved, apparently. Two words, people: NUT CASE. Why are such stupid people allowed to keep having babies? She's on the fast track for the Michelle Duggar plan, I guess...

3. It's great to be done nursing, but I forgot about the fact that I no longer burn 500 - 1,000 calories a day for being a dairy cow. Dammit. My pants are starting to be too tight. Now I actually have to do workouts that make me sweat. Someone pass me a tissue, I'm about to cry...

4. I've been a little nervous that maybe Kaylee will start to walk soon. She is now pulling herself up to a standing position like it's nobody's business. And she crawls faster than her little legs can keep up with sometimes. I think it's only a matter of time until she discovers that there's an even faster way to move. Well, tonight I find out that my husband and his sister each walked at 9 months old. Now, what has become a nagging thought in the back of my mind for the past week has become a potential case of severe heartburn. For Pete's Sake, I'm still trying to child proof my house appropriately for a crawler. God help me, but I'm going to push the kid down (ever so gently) when she stands without support. I will do it. And you will not stop me.

5. What the FRICK is up with all these "tell us 25 things about yourself" facebook tags? Holy jeepers, people. I think I've received 875,326 requests to tell you 25 random things about myself. Everyone and their brother is doing this (well, except me, and my brother now that I think of it - I don't think he's done it...). And I'm not. So keep sending me your requests all you want, but I'm not doing it. Even if a teeny weeny part of myself wants to do it, just because...

6. I continue to think about my decision to stop breastfeeding Kaylee, and I continue to have more confidence that I made the right choice. At the same time, I was a little overwhelmed with all the comments that other women had in response to my post about being done. Holy crap, people. Every comment talked about a struggle with breast feeding in one way or the other. Never in one place have I read so many open and honest struggles with the issue. It has really got me thinking, and in fact - I've gotten a little upset that the issue of breastfeeding induces so much guilt among mothers. Guilt that they don't breastfeed. Guilt that they DID breastfeed, but not long enough. Guilt that they could breastfeed one child and not the other. Promoting breastfeeding is a great and all, but it's become a bit more clear to me that SOMEONE had better start sending out the message that if you don't breastfeed you're not a bad mother, and that if you don't have problems along the way, well then - guess what? You're in the frickin' MINORITY, people. *stepping off that soapbox*

7. I've had the chance to have a few consecutive days off of work, and I'm realizing that I'm beginning to feel more confident and comfortable in my role as a mother. I'm starting to loosen up a bit. I don't worry quite as much about if I'm doing things the right way. I'm having more FUN, and I'm not taking myself so seriously or being as hard on myself. Most of the time.

8. Money. This always seems to be on my mind these days. Whether it's trying to balance the checkbook, pay the bills, figure out new ways to save, clipping coupons, or worrying about not having enough days of work this month, it's always there - always in the back of my mind. Sometimes I wish that it weren't an issue - that it was not something that caused me stress. But, if I had so much money that I wasn't stressed out about money, I think I'd have a whole nother set of issues, and frankly - I think I'd rather worry about not having enough.

9. I've also been wishing that I had more time to catch up on all the shows I have DVR'd. I love that stinkin' machine - I just wish I wasn't so far behind on my shows. And I wish I had a pair of 3-D glasses so I could watch Chuck. It looks funny this week if you're not wearing 3-D glasses. Anyone know where I can get a pair?

10. Ok, so remember my post about cleaning my house all day while my mom watched Kaylee? I got my kitchen, living room and dining room all cleaned? Well, we're approaching 2 weeks of keeping those rooms clean, and I'm still scratching my head about how we're managing to pull it off. I guess it's not so bad when you can just maintain it on a daily basis. I kinda feel like giving myself a quick pat on the back. But then following that pat, I feel like giving myself a swift kick in the pants because I still have 2 bathrooms, 2 bedrooms, an office, a car, and a garage that need cleaning, too. Ahhh, cleaning, shmeaning. Always on my mind...

These aprons are off the hizzle

So, I had Dennis take some pictures of Kaylee and I last night for a post I wanted to write about the friggin' awesome apron giveaway that is currently happening on Mama Kat's blog.

Coincidentally, a couple weeks ago when I posted about my brand new apron, there were a couple requests for a picture of the apron, and I never got around to taking a picture of it. So, I was just being a nerd (what's new?) and I put Kaylee's feet in the front pockets of the apron thinking that might be funny (not sure why, but I thought it would be...). So, we're just goofing off having a good time.

And then she decides enough is enough. Dennis caught her in mid-escape. Isn't that just the most mischievous little grin on her face? I love it.

The apron has all sorts of yummy words on it like chocolate, dessert, fondue, frosting...pretty much most of my favorite words are right there on that apron.

So, back to the reason I even had a little photo shoot with the apron last night. Mama Kat is hosting a really frickin' awesome apron giveaway. I would tell you to go check it out because you've probably never seen cuter aprons in your life. Ever. But, if I encourage you to do that, and then you enter yourself to win an apron, that will decrease MY chances of winning an apron. But, there's a giveaway every week in February, and it's impossible for me to win each week, so if only 3 of you promise to enter yourselves, then please go check it out. ;) Seriously, these aprons are the hizzy fashizzy! (Click here to check out the giveaway)

THIS is what's up for grabs this week. And they offer matching gloves to boot? In the words of Brian Regan, "Could life GET any better? I submit that it CANNOT!"


The apron will be mine....it WILL be mine....ah ha ha ha ha ha!!!

This post is a part of Wordful Wednesdays over at Angie's 7 Clown Circus.

Let's hear it for the girls!

This post is a part of a weekly feature called Tuesday's Tribute - the one time each week that Jay and Deb challenge bloggers to write about something other than ourselves, to shine the light elsewhere for a change. If you only have the time to check out one other Tuesday's Tribute this week, make sure it's Jay's because he's up to something pretty cool over on his blog. Thanks for stopping by, and enjoy!


A Jay and Deb Production.

This week my tribute is to "The Girls."

I won't beat around the bush. "The Girls" is pretty much just code talk for my boobs.

Now, I know Tuesday's Tribute is all about paying tribute to someone/something other than yourself, so I'm clearly stating here that this is a tribute to my boobs (oh my gosh, this is making me laugh just typing it...). BUT, you need to understand that we've been through a lot together, so in order for you to fully comprehend why they're worthy of their very own tribute, I need to share our journey with you.

After breast feeding for 9 months, "The Girls" are finally mine again, and I've got a few things weighing on my mind about the whole issue of being done.

You must understand that I am a very determined and goal-oriented woman. So, before Kaylee was even born, I had my mind set on breast feeding her for 12 months. No ifs, ands, or buts. It's what the experts recommended, so doggonnit, that's what I was going to do for my baby.

THAT was when I was just a silly little pregnant lady who didn't know squat about what to expect when it came to breastfeeding. I was naively ignorant and terribly optimistic.

Call me crazy, but I thought this is how it would go down: I would manage to make it through the labor and delivery of my child, and as soon as she was born, they'd put her on my belly, I'd get to cuddle her, and she would instinctively latch on with no problems. That's what the 80 bazillion books I read about told me should happen. If there were problems (highly doubtful), I'd just have the nurse help me and that would be that. We'd return home after 24 hours in the hospital, I'd nurse her every 2-3 hours, and life would be fine and dandy.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Silly little pregnant woman.

Here's how it actually went down...

We DID make it through the labor and delivery just fine. She didn't latch on at first, and to be honest, I wasn't too worried initially. It happens. So what, right? Well, it wasn't just a one-time deal. She wouldn't latch. Period. I felt like a complete and utter failure. I couldn't breastfeed my own baby. Of course I knew it wasn't my fault, but I still blamed myself. It was something I'd thought about and hoped for the past 9 months. I cried. and cried. and cried.

Every 2 to 3 hours we'd attempt to get her to latch for 15 minutes, and when it didn't work, we resorted to "finger feeding" Kaylee. It involves using syringes and tiny little tubes to feed the baby. You line up the end of the tube with the tip of your finger and then slowly push the milk/formula out of the syringe. It's supposed to help babies develop a stronger sucking reflex. Here's a visual for you because it's pretty hard to picture otherwise. Please excuse my puffy and shiny 2-week postpartum face.


We had a routine labor and delivery, so I could have gone home after 24 hours, but since she wasn't nursing, it was recommended that we stay 48 hours to get extra support and help with it before we went home.

We should have just gone home. All it did was exhaust me and frustrate me more. God bless all the people who tried to help us. At times, there were 3 nurses in there at once. They were so patient with me and wanted to help us make it work so badly. But, it just. didn't. work.

I began to develop a really good relationship with the lactation consultant, and by the time we were discharged home, I had decided that I would pump for Kaylee until she was able to latch, however long it took.

So, after 48 hours, we went home. Thus began my love/hate relationship with pumping.

Meet Mr. Medelapumpinstyleadvanced (I figured we spent enough time together that he was worthy of having a "Mr." put in front of his name) - my 5th appendage for the first two months of Kaylee's life.

Now, don't get all crazy and go buy one for yourself just for the sake of having a little extra fun. I mean, I know that this picture makes you want to hook it up to your boobs and have a grand ol' time just pumpin' away. Trust me. It frickin' SUCKS to be hooked up to it and it's not fun. Really. You will literally feel like a dairy cow. Plus, if you want to spend $300 to have fun, figure out a better way to spend your money (but if you will need a pump, I'm telling you this one is the best there is).

At first, I loved Mr. M. He made it possible for my baby to get breast milk. But, it wasn't long and I started to despise this damn machine.

We had a date every 3 hours around the clock for 2 months solid. I began to dread it. And I began to have problems.

When you pump all the friggin' time, it's not as effective as having a baby nurse, so it can cause a host of problems. Not only that, but I was producing enough milk to literally feed two babies - which I was actually doing (Go check out this website - it's amazing. Women who have a surplus milk supply can donate their extra milk to premature babies who need all the extra immunities and goodies that are only found in breast milk). With the pumping and the oversupply combined, I got chronic clogged milk ducts and even a damn boob infection. Can you believe that? And I didn't think I'd have any issues whatsoever.

So, in addition to being attached to that effing pump for what felt like 24 hours a day, I was now doing warm compresses and a host of other remedies to make the clogged ducts go away. At one point I remember thinking the pain was worse than contractions (I'm pretty sure I was just overreacting because contractions are indescribably painful).

By now you're probably wondering why the hell I didn't just give her formula. I don't know. I really don't know. It would have made my life a lot easier.

In addition to Mr. M. I had accumulated what my lactation consultant termed lots of "paraphernalia" - product upon product to help Kaylee latch on. Some stuff helped - sometimes. But mostly, it didn't work. And because I love torturing myself, I was still 100% committed to pumping for her.

We met with the lactation consultant every week and checked Kaylee's weight 1-2 times/week. She was steadily gaining, so that made me feel good. I knew that what I was providing her with was making her itsy bitsy little self grow big and strong. But I was still really, really sad about not being able to nurse her. The lactation consultant told me that babies usually latch on by 8 weeks. That seemed like an eternity.

But, wouldn't you know. My sweet little girl decided on the day she turned 8 weeks old that it was high time she latched, and we never had an issue with it from that day forward. I was absolutely thrilled.

I went back to work after 3 months, and I pumped at work. It worked out quite nicely. I used my two daily 15 minute breaks to go pump, and I'd read a book or a magazine, or doze off. It was a nice, quiet part of my day that I looked forward to. (By the way - here's my shameless plug for the The Milk Memos: How Real Moms Learned to Mix Business with Babies - and How You Can, Too. It's a phenomenal book written by 2 IBM employees who pumped at work. If you are going to pump at work or know someone who is, this book is an absolute MUST). Eventually, though - I got sick of it. Real sick of it. So, one day I just quit pumping. It was fabulous!

I continued to nurse Kaylee while I was at home, and I pumped a bit at home so she could still get milk while she was at the babysitter's, but eventually the supply wasn't keeping up with the demand, and I had to supplement with formula.

I have nothing at all against formula, but we had been on such an emotional roller coaster with the breast feeding that I really, really, really struggled with having to supplement her with formula. I think it brought those feelings of failure/Mommy guilt right back. I felt like I was failing to provide enough for my baby.

Thankfully, I got over that. I realized it just wasn't worth the stress, and Kaylee didn't give a rip what she ate.

Then, we hit another fork in our nursing road. Kaylee got a tooth. And then another tooth. Click here for a humorous little ditty about our first biting incident.

Along with the occasional bite, we were starting to battle what I called boob-induced ADD. Every time I'd sit down to nurse her, she'd latch on and then pop off and look at the light on the ceiling and start to say, "Ooooh! Oooooh! Oooooh!" just as if I'd presented her with her very own pony. But then she'd latch back on. Approximately 6.3 seconds later she would notice the window blinds and decided they looked fun to bat at.

It was getting to be a bit much. You've heard the phrase, "Shit or get off the pot," right? In my head I kept thinking, "Eat or get off the boob!"

So, when I realized how frustrated I was getting 95% of the time I was nursing her, I realized it was time to be done. My goal of 12 months had just gotten tossed out the window, and that was okay.

To be honest, I'm feeling really good about my decision, and sometimes I question whether or not that's how I *should* feel or not. I always thought I'd be really sad about being done. But, I'm not. I'm pretty happy to have my boobs back. Even if they don't feel like my boobs. Let's just say I'll definitely be trading my nursing bra in for a push-up bra...Just doesn't seem fair...after all I did with these boobs they go from making me look like Pamela Anderson to looking like a 4th grader. Well, SHIT. Shit, shit, shit. What can you do? Now I know why some women get boob jobs after they have babies. And I no longer judge them.

So, boobs. I salute you. You have done an incredible job. You've provided for two sweet babies and helped them grow, you've survived an uncanny amount of time with the pump, and you persevered through terrible, horrible, no good, very bad clogs and infections, and you never leaked on me in public. You are my heroes. You deserve a good pick-me-up, and a much-needed rest. So, soon and very soon we will go on an excursion to Victoria's Secret (a.k.a. Wal-Mart because that's what I can afford - but you DESERVE to go to Vicky's Place...) to get you a new wardrobe since you've downsized. Enjoy that rest while it lasts because I'll be calling on you again in a few years. I hope you're up to the task. And if you're not, then screw you. I'll just buy formula.

Details of the date (by request) and my big news

So, blueviolet (by the way, you should go check her out) from A Nut in a Nutshell left me a comment, talking all about how her feelings were hurt that I didn't share more details of my date yesterday. I'm sorry, Blogland. It won't happen again. Below you will find the details.

And, since I left you dangling with my "big news" I figured I might as well tell you what that is, too. Otherwise I'll just keep trying to write the perfect post about it and it will take me days and you'll all leave me comments that you are just dying to know what it is and why won't I just come out and tell you, yadda, yadda, yadda. So. I'll just come right out and tell you.

My 6 months of ABPs is up, so I've been without them for about two or three weeks now. If you're a brand new reader, you're probably like, "Oooh. Woopty doo. Big deal. I don't even know what the heck you're talking about." But, if you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that my ABPs (anti bitchy pills, my fun name for anti-depressants) have been a part of my life since I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. So, with my doctor's okay, I am no longer on them, and so far, so good. Dennis is even giving me the thumbs up. Click here if you want to read more. So, it might not seem like a big deal, but to me, it's a really big deal.

I'm working on a short series of posts that chronicle my struggle with postpartum depression, so that will be posted sometime this month.

And now, for the details of the date...Brace yourselves!

Here goes...

1. Drop off baby at Grandma and Grandpa's.

2. Drive to theater.

3. Smuggle in 2 sodas by using my movie theater purse.

4. Buy 2 tickets and 2 personal pizzas at movie theater using gift card.

5. $1 left on movie gift card. Damn. This place is expensive.

6. Eat pizza.

7. While watching movie.

8. Get heartburn from pizza.

9. I have to pee, but I'm waiting until we get to my mom and dad's because the bathrooms are disgusting, and it's the one and only place I ever barfed when I was pregnant with Kaylee - in the movie theater bathroom. Bad memories, so I'm just going to hold it.

10. Arrive to pick up baby.

11. Pee.

12. Play with baby and talk with Grandma.

13. Drive home.

THE END.