Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Wordful Wednesday - Ghosts from Halloween Past

If I said that we are the type of people that go all out for Halloween and really prepare ahead of time, I'd totally be lying to you.

So, let me tell you how it goes every year.

Each October, on either the 30th or the 31st, Dennis and I look at each other and say, "Uh. Well. Um, so what should we dress up as this year?"

Our first year of marriage we lived in married student housing at our university, and we were so excited to hand out candy to all the cute little kids. Unfortunately, when you go to the store to get a costume on the afternoon of October 31st, there's pretty much squat left to choose from.

I ended up with a black witch hat that had purple hair attached to it.

Dennis got a crazy Frankenstein mask, and I think we stuffed socks under the shoulders of his jacket to make him look even more...monster-ish?

Last year we pulled our costumes together literally a couple hours before we had to be somewhere for Halloween. I ended up going to my parents' house to snag my brother's baseball gear and I dressed up as a baseball player.

Dennis somehow ended up with a rather nasty looking beard, put a stuffed squirrel in it (not an actual stuffed squirrel - see picture below for what I'm talking about), wore a checkered shirt, and actually ended up being quite a believable lumberjack.

But, last year I did plan ahead for Kaylee. She was just 6 months old, so we didn't get too crazy, but boy, oh, boy was she ever the cutest little ladybug you ever did see.

And this year, her costume is even cuter. Just you wait and see.

Head on over to 7 Clown Circus to check out more fun Wordful Wednesday posts AND enter to win a SWEET Flip video camera while you're there.

Little moments of dizzy joy.

Last night was a rough night - just stressful and overwhelming and emotional.

Put quite simply, my little dumpling was about to push me over the edge, and I was at my wit's end.

She's been on this crazy napping strike, so I've just been letting her stay in her crib during nap time, even if she's not asleep. She doesn't cry. She just talks. And talks. And talks. (And I have absolutely no idea where she gets that trait...)

Even though she's in there and I'm able to actually get some things done around the house on my own, it still drives me crazy. I'm going in to see if she's awake because there's a monster dump in her diaper or what (because she has a convenient way of crapping either as soon as I lay her down for her nap, or right after she's fallen asleep), or I'm going in there to give her The Look and do my best, "KaaaayLEE? LAY. down. NOW. It's NAP time!" in my low, scary mom voice.

It just drives me nuts. This kid didn't nap for her first year of life, and now, after 6 months of awesome naps every day, she's deciding that naps are maybe, just maybe, something that she's is above at this point in her little life.

Well, apparently spending an entire afternoon confined within the 4 walls of the crib charged her up like the freakin' Energizer Bunny. She was an absolute nut case once we finally let her out, and it made our night so memorable.

As I was trying to feed Kaylee her dinner and she was just messing around and irritating me, Dennis told me he'd stay home from karate because it looked like I needed a break. Praise the Lord, I may not lose my mind after all was my first thought...

So, I step into another room to get my composure back, and before long, Kaylee's out of her highchair and creating little whirlwinds all throughout our house.

She starts making this noise she does when she gets really excited about something. To me, it sounds like she's about to hyperventilate, but she gets the crazy baby eyes and this huge trouble-making grin, and then she proceeds to start spinning around in circles and laughing her head off. Then she takes off to try and walk straight and looks nothing short of a 2 1/2 foot tall drunk.

She had to be doing this for a good 15 minutes. And every time she fell down, she'd laugh at herself and get back up to do it again.

The kid drove me absolutely nuts yesterday.

Then, on that same day, all I could do was sit back, laugh my butt off at her, and realize that - without a doubt - one of the reasons she was brought into my life was to remind me not to take life to seriously...to just let go of the stress and the tension - to realize that what really matters is forgetting about all the other junk taking up space in my head and causing me stress - what matters is enjoying little moments like that and just laughing.

So, that's exactly what I did last night. And I enjoyed every minute.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Ahhhhh, finally. The fresh start I've been waiting for.

I'm sitting here right now with a big old sense of relief.

I just hit the publish button on my last review that I committed to do, and I feel like I've finally got the freedom to get back to the basics on my blog - to write for the reasons I began writing, and to not be bogged down by other obligations.

Recently I wrote about how I want to head in a new direction on the blog - stepping away from doing so many product reviews and giveaways (yet not being closed off to them completely), and actually sitting down to figure out exactly why it is that I have a blog in the first place.

I felt the need to establish a clear direction and clear set of goals for myself so that, in the future, I won't get distracted by all the other stuff that's out there that I don't necessarily need to be a part of.

Doing this final review on my to-do list was a huge wake up call to me. I agreed to do a book review, and it didn't take me long to decide that I was so not into this particular book. But, I was committed, so I invested my time in finishing it so that I kept my word. I love reading - it's one of my favorite things to do in the whole wide world, so to be spending time reading a book I did not love made me wake up and smell the coffee.

I realized there is no sense in doing something I don't want to do. My time is more valuable than that. So, I will only be writing about things that mean something to me and that do not cause me any more stress than I already have.

So, here's what I've come up with. I hope you'll stay along for the ride.

*Stick to the basics. The name Laughing Through the Chaos says it all. That's what I strive to do - to be able to laugh at myself and to be able to laugh through the tough stuff. And I hope I can help you do the same.

*Keeping it well-rounded. I may be a mommy blogger, but I don't always want to talk about all things mommy. There's plenty of other things that make me who I am, so I'll be talking about other stuff, too.

*Provide more information and resources relating to postpartum depression/postpartum mood disorders. I've become very passionate about this in the last year and a half, and I want this blog to be a place you can come for resources, support, and information.

*I want to use my blog to make a difference when it comes to certain social causes. I've been honored to use my blog as a way to get the word out in the past about an amazing non-profit group called The Fresh Air Fund (a group that provides inner-city kids with the opportunity to experience things they may never have the chance to do otherwise, such as fishing, chasing butterflies, or camping in the woods), and I hope to bring awareness about other organizations that mean something to me as well.

*I'm cutting way back on product reviews and giveaways, but - at the same time - I am not going to close my blog off to them completely. I am aiming to make product reviews few and far between, and they will only make it on to the blog if I'm absolutely crazy about them, and if I think they will benefit you in some way as well.

*On a related note, I am hoping that by cutting back on reviews and giveaways, it will allow me more time to create a sense of community among my readers. That could mean more interactive discussions in the comment section, actually having time to respond to some of your comments on an individual basis, and being able to visit some of your blogs. I continue to be amazed by the sense of community there is when a few of us all say that we've gone through the same thing.

So, that's where I'm headed. Those are my goals, and I think it's good to step back and re-evaluate them from time to time.

Thanks to all of you for actually caring about what I have to say and for sharing your own experiences along the way as well. You rock my face off. :)

Friday, October 23, 2009

The lowdown on my Vegas vacation

Time for a recap of my recent trip to VEGAS, baby!

It was a girls weekend filled with decadent food, nights on the town, relaxation and friends.

I arrived at the Venetian and was absolutely floored by how fancy it was. Paintings on the ceilings, glitz and glamor everywhere, little Italian men walking around the indoor fountains playing the accordian - it was unbelievable. And then I got to the room, which looked like THIS:

Cushy, heavenly blankets and pillows...

... a living room to hang with the girls...

... and one incredible bathroom...

Yes. That is a TV in the bathroom. Facing the tub. And yes, I watched TV in the tub while I ate a Krispy Kreme donut. At 1 in the morning.

My roommates, Rachel and Summer, arrived shortly after I did, and we wasted no time in getting ready for our night out.

Here's Rachel and I getting all glamorous.

We clean up rather nicely, wouldn't ya say?

So, after we got all beautimous, it was off to the SITS dance party, in our own private ballroom. But first, we all got to walk the red carpet (seriously - they had a freakin' red carpet!) and stop for a pose.

Here's a bunch of us hotties getting down with our bad selves at the party.

(Rachel, Kathy, me, Jen, and Summer)

After the SITS party it was on to Club Tao, which was THE "it" place to be since Kim Kardashian was there for her birthday. We saw her throw a fit before the party (surrounded by her massive bodyguards), and some shrimpy guy was standing in front of her videotaping the whole thing. She's so tiny! And gorgeous, of course. I didn't have my camera with me, but here's a picture of Kim, just for good measure.

Come to find out, K Fed was there that night, too. I'm so heartbroken I didn't get to feast my eyes upon that. (Kidding, I'm kidding...seriously.)

The next day was filled with speakers, a catered lunch, and then another evening out on the town, but toned down quite a bit. No celebrity sightings and no mobs of crazy drunk people.

This, my friends was my delectable dessert at lunch. And yes, I was so excited about it that I took its picture. Do you SEE that huge piece of curled chocolate. H-E-A-V-E-N.

In between lunch and our night out, I had some time to myself, so I went frolicking about, pretending I was in Italy. I never did get my gondola ride, but one of the Italian gray-ponytail-toting accordian players did say it was time for "my song" and proceeded to play The Chicken Dance for me. Anyway, isn't this just a heavenly sight? And to think - the sky is not even real - it's a painting. Loved it...

After my time pretending, me and some other hotties hit the town for dinner and some shopping for the kidlets. Here's me and the girls, posing with the likeness of the hotness known as The Rock. Mmmmm.

Me, Kristi, Bobbi, Alicia, Margarita, and Connie

Hands down, my favorite part of the whole weekend was getting to meet friends for the first time, and getting to meet so many new friends. The girl time was the best. And the break from reality wasn't bad, either.

Thanks to Tiffany and Heather for putting together one heck of a weekend for all of us!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Real motherhood.

Motherhood has changed me in so many ways. I could talk about the cup size reduction, the fat relocation, the lack of sleep, the fact that I now eat things off the floor on a regular basis and occasionally partake of toddler foods for my own snacks, but today, I just want to focus on one aspect of how motherhood has changed me. And that, my friends, is the fact that I'm no longer as judgmental toward mothers.

Before I entered the world of motherhood, I will admit that I was totally judgmental.

I'd see moms in their sweats and messy hair and think, "Man, she's let herself go. Would it hurt to spend 5 minutes with a brush and a tube of mascara?" Mean, I know.

On the other end of the spectrum, I'd see those moms who were just totally gorgeous wearing the nice outfits, toting around their beautiful, well-behaved gorgeous children with perma-smiles on their faces and think to myself, "See? She took some time for herself? She hasn't let herself go. Look how cute her kids look in those trendy little outfits! Awww!"

Aw, BARF is what I think to myself now, as I sit in my sweats with no mascara on trying to pick spaghetti and peanut butter out of my hair.

Barf to the lady with the perfect outfit, the perfect children, and the smile that never fades. I'm calling her bluff because that's not real motherhood.

Now, hear me out. I like to look nice when I go out in public. I usually wear makeup every day, and I, for the most part, try to be presentable. Nothing wrong with that. But, there's also nothing wrong with going to the store in your sweats and crazy hair. To each his own.

What bugs the heck out of me is when women put this crazy pressure on themselves to act like they always have it together and that every single moment of every day with their children is filled with nothing but love and laughter and hugs. Oh, and no one ever farts or burps or says a cuss word in their little world, either.

Sure, there are moms who may have a better handle on things than others. Some may be more organized, more calm, better able to cope in stressful situations, but let's be honest - trying to act like it's all fun and games is just silly.

It's hard - plain and simple, and to me - it's really refreshing to be able to talk about the way it really is. I've been so blessed to have friends (and readers!) who are also willing to tell it like it is.

Frankly, I don't have time for sugar coating in my life (unless that sugar coating is on a piece of cake - in that case, I have PLENTY of time). I want people around me who can relate, who can be open and honest and not afraid to admit that this motherhood gig is no cakewalk.

When we give ourselves permission to admit that we have days when it feels like we weren't cut out for this, I think it helps us to enjoy and appreciate and relish in the multitude of fun and down-right hilarious days of motherhood as well.

In real motherhood, you can't have one without the other.

*This post is a part of Mama Kat's Thursday Writer's Workshop, hosted at Mama Kat's Losin It.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Wordful Wednesday: Motherhood, Tupperware and Toddlers - it's a beautiful mix.

What does motherhood mean?

It means a whole heck of a lot of things. Scraped knees, bonked heads, explaining dead goldfish, tickle fights, tooth fairies, learning to put someone else's needs before your own, and many, many other things.

Right now, one thing motherhood means to me is that my days of having a Tupperware cabinet where I can find exactly what I am looking for thanks to my six beautiful and elegant bins from Dollar Tree are gone. For several years to come.

And I'm quite okay with that.

*This post is a part of Wordful Wednesday, hosted by Angie at Angie's 7 Clown Circus.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Pondering the meaning of it all.

So, I got back from Vegas last night, and I'll tell you all about that soon. I promise. And as for pictures, I was not loving the idea of lugging out my inconveniently sized Canon camera, so I'm going to have to jack some pictures from my friends who are brilliant and carry cameras the size of iPods that are not cumbersome.

There will be pictures and stories to follow, for sure, but you're just going to have to wait. I'm mean - I know. I hate waiting, but you're not the boss of me, so you can't make me do anything. :)

Lately I've been thinking about the direction and purpose of my blog, and I've realized that here and there I've gotten distracted and in some ways I've gotten away from some of the most important reasons I started blogging in the first place.

I've enjoyed doing some reviews and giveaways, but I've had several things on my to-do list of reviews lately and it's become overwhelming and stressful to me, and no longer fun. So, I'm going to finish what I committed to because I feel strongly about keeping my word and following through with my commitments, and then I'll be cutting way back on things related to reviews and giveaways.

So, forewarning - I've procrastinated and have 3 CD reviews that are all due today, one product review that is due, and a book review as well (see what I mean? In over my head much?) so this week you'll be seeing more than usual of that, but I want you to know it's just because I need to FINISH these things. To get them off my plate, and then I can focus on what I really want to do with this blog.

Plus, I feel like the majority of you don't come here to read about products or win things because that's not the primary focus of my blog. I hope you come here because you want to read what I have to say, and hopefully some of it resonates with you.

I feel the need to prioritize things and establish a clear direction I want to go in. It's like I've had a little blog ADD or something, and I just need to step back, decide what needs to stay, what needs to go, and what is worthy of my time.

I promise it will all be worth it.

Gotta go figure out some plans for dinner, but watch for more stuff on Vegas later this week!

Friday, October 16, 2009

It's Vegas or bust, baby.

If you're reading this, I'm in Vegas. I know, sniff, sniff - you're really sad for me because I'm not going to have any fun at all.

I mean, I'll be staying at a total dump.

Relaxing in luxury.


Dancing like a fool (seriously, like a fool - must I remind you I have no rhythm?).

Meeting blog friends for the first time.

Like Summer from Le Musings of Moi.

And Mama Kat from Mama's Losin' It.

Riding a gondola while a little Italian man sings to me.

Eating lovely food.

Watching TV in the bathroom. Because there's a TV in the bathroom.

Walking around, pretending I'm actually in Venice, even though it's far, far away.

And smiling from ear to ear.

Because I'm going on vacation. SITScation, to be exact, with a bunch of lovely ladies from SITS - otherwise known as The Secret is in the Sauce.

No diapers to change, no bills to pay, to work to go to, no dishes or clothes or spilled spaghetti-o's to clean up.

Just a girl's weekend in Vegas.

But, since we're all bloggers, I can tell you that what happens in Vegas, won't be staying in Vegas. ;)

Have a great weekend, and I'll tell you all about it when I return!


Thursday, October 15, 2009

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - she's my rock star.

The day was April 29, 2008.

It was the day Kaylee was born, but it was also the day I saw my mom in a whole new light.

She was there with me all day as I labored through contractions and walked up and down the halls in the labor and delivery unit.

With Dennis on one side and my mom on the other, I managed to endure about 8 hours of labor without my much-anticipated epidural.

When I was in the hospital bed and could tell I was about to get hit by a ginormous contraction, I'd close my eyes and just squeeze my mom's hand like there was no tomorrow. And it got me through, every time.

A lot of the details are fuzzy, but her and Dennis were like a tag team that day, taking turns rubbing my back and letting me squeeze their hands through the pain.

Dennis never left my side - he was rubbing my back pretty much the whole time.

But the face I remember seeing the most when I think back to that day is the face of my mom.

I remember her staying calm when I freaked out and I can still just picture her looking at me, and I could tell that if there was any way for her to take the pain from me, she would have. In a heartbeat.

I remember the look of excitement on her face when she first showed up at the hospital and I was still in the triage unit - it was like her face was telling me, "The day is finally here! We get to meet Kaylee - finally, and today I'll be a grandma! Woo hoo! Let's DO this thing!"

I'm so glad my mom was there with me that day. I needed her. I needed her right there beside me, holding my hand, reassuring me, and being there for me to lean on.

When all was said and done, and Kaylee had safely entered the world, that's when I realized my mom was more than just a mom.

I realized my mom is a rock star.

She managed to bring me into this world without any pain medication. I had my frickin' awesome epidural and didn't feel a thing once it kicked in. The contractions were unbearable at the end (hence, the epidural), but I don't even want to know what actually pushing the kid OUT would have felt like without drugs.

I realized that I put my mom through a heck of a lot the day I was born, and that was just the beginning.

She's always been there for me, through everything - stupid mistakes, stupid boys, zits, smart ass remarks, shopping for bras, leaving home for college, planning a wedding, getting married, being there for me the day Kaylee was born - and now - being there for me on my good and bad days as I do my best to be a rock star for my own daughter.

She's my mom, and she's my rock star, and I'm so, so lucky to have her.

Love you, mamacita. :)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wednesday humor courtesy of moi. You're welcome.

Well, if you don't share my sense of humor, you may not laugh - you may think this is ridiculous and stupid, but I love it.

And frankly, I think we're in need of a little humor around here. We saw this a few days ago on TV and it just had me in stitches. Another reminder that when you're down in the dumps, funny stuff can really help lift you out of the funk you're stuck in.

Dennis and I get so excited every time Andy Samberg comes up with a new digital short on Saturday Night Live. He's just crazy and hilarious, and we love him. I wish we could be friends with him so we could sit around and insist that he makes us laugh all day and all night. But, he would probably think that was be weird, and - well, he's a celebrity, so we'll never be friends.

I'll just have to settle for watching his videos online. This is his latest, and it had us cracking up and rewinding the DVR to watch parts of it again. His facial expressions just kill me.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow this house down.

This past week I've felt a bit like The Hulk when he starts to go from scrawny human to angry green monster.

It's made me feel a bit compelled to write about the aspect of depression that shows up as anger, because - frankly - I think that component is overlooked all too often.

Before I had actually experienced it for myself, I always associated depression with things like sadness, crying, having no energy, being down in the dumps, staying in bed all day - those types of things. I think those are the ideas that a lot of people in our society think of when we think depression.

But how often do we associate anger, and dare I even say it? RAGE with depression?

Because it is a symptom, but from my little corner of the world I never realized depression and anger went together until I experienced it for myself.

It doesn't fit the picture we all have in our minds.

I think one of the more common thoughts that probably comes into people's minds when they think of women with the baby blues, postpartum mood disorders, or just flat out depression is a picture of a woman who sits at home and cries all day.

Those of us who have been knee deep in depression or postpartum mood disorders know that's not how it is.

It's different for all of us. For some, maybe it does mean sitting at home crying all day. But, for me, and for several women that I have talked to in my own life, anger seems to be a pretty common theme, and if we're brave enough to admit it, we'll even tell you that the anger can turn to rage.

I'm talking about the feeling that your blood is actually boiling, you're on the verge of trembling and literally want to throw your TV set through your window kind of rage. You're mad, mad, MAD, and you can't talk yourself down from it. You don't think or act logically and you say things you regret.

You are 100% aware of what you are experiencing and how you are acting, but you have no power to change it.

Simply put - you are out of control.

It's amazing to me how we can put on our "I've got it all together faces," when really - we're falling apart and beating ourselves up over the fact that we are treating our families like dirt and have these emotions that seem unmanageable.

Now, I realize some people use a diagnosis to excuse their behavior, but that's not what I'm talking about here, and that's what makes it so difficult to grasp and to accept.

You act a certain way - you are mean, you are angry, and you want to stop. You hate what you see yourself doing, but it's happening anyway, and all you can do is wait for it to pass.

And in my case, wait and hope and pray and cross your fingers that the medication will kick in and do the same magic it did last time...

Ladies? If you've gone through this or are going through this - trust me. You're not alone. It happens, and there's help. You might feel crazy, but you're not, and you shouldn't have to feel like you need to just suck it up and move on. There's plenty of help out there that's yours for the taking, but you have to make the choice to accept it.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Wordful Wednesday - Watch out, kids - she bites!

See that kid? That one on the right? She's mine. And she's a biter.

Up until Monday, the worst thing I'd heard whenever I picked her up from someone's house who watched her was, "Yeah. She used a blue crayon to color on the dog."

No big thang, right?

Yesterday one of my best friends, who happens to have a daughter just a couple months younger than Kaylee, watched her for me.

We decided when the girls were just weeks old that they'd be each other's BFF, and now we can say they are well on their way.

I arrived to pick Kaylee up and asked how she did. My friend said she did great, but that there was one little incident. Oh, crap! Not my sweet little child (who is nothing short of a little pistol) - no!

She totally bit Maggie's finger, which made Maggie cry, and then Kaylee started crying. My friend said she didn't even have to scold Kaylee. She just looked at her and said, "Kaylee!!!" and she could tell that Maggie's crying was enough of a lesson.

So that picture above is Kaylee giving Maggie a hug after what we now call "the incident."

The looks on each of their faces just kill me. I love it.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

5 milligrams - down the hatch.

Tonight, I'm filled with cautious optimism.

We've been swimming around in some all-too-familiar water these days.

All of us know that when we're under a lot of stress, we don't exactly put our best foot forward.We have a shorter fuse, we're a bit more cranky and lot less willing to have a sense of humor about things.

For me, an overwhelming amount of stress can often mean that I lose much of my ability to cope in appropriate ways, so instead, I turn to things like yelling - real, actual yelling - at my loved ones, eating too much, being cranky and rude, and getting focused on being in a "funk."

That's been me lately. I definitely think I had some situational depression these past few weeks when Kaylee was so sick. You can only take so much of seeing your kid go from doctor appointment to doctor appointment, hospital to hospital, and being put on medication after medication, only for the same infections to remain for over a month.

Optimism and hope aren't so easy to come by.

Negativity, pessimism, and all-around crankybuttedness begin to dominate. You start to realize you're becoming someone you're not.

And for me, it made me realize that maybe I'm not as okay as I thought I was...

I was on anti-depressants for 6 months after being diagnosed with postpartum depression 3 months after I had Kaylee. The medication worked absolute wonders. At the 6 month mark, my doctor and I agreed that I could come off the meds because it appeared that my depression had been treated.

Since then, I've questioned whether or not that was really the case, and when I went to see my OB in June I told her I felt like my depression was coming back. The thing was, feelings of depression and changes in mood were a possible side effect of my birth control, so we decided to switch to something else to pinpoint what the precise cause was. She wanted me to give it a month and see how I felt.

After that time passed, Dennis and I noticed a huge difference, so we pretty much wrote off any depression, even though - from time to time - we'd see a symptom emerge here and there. I think we chose to ignore it for the most part because it really was a drastic change from where I had been before.

About the same time I talked to my OB, I talked to my new primary care doctor who said that, based on my symptoms, she thought that what I was describing sounded a lot more like anxiety than depression, and I agreed with her, although I was still having symptoms of both.

She recommended some lifestyle changes before getting back on any medication, so I implemented her ideas, and I continued to sail along with minor symptoms here and there, but they were small enough to write off as day-to-day crankiness - pretty minor stuff, it seemed.

But, one thing Dennis and I finally concluded a couple nights ago was that lifestyle does make a difference (eating healthy, exercising, getting outside, getting good sleep, etc.), but in my case, it seems that, since I had Kaylee, there's always been something underlying, whether it's irritability or anger, or a panic attack waiting to happen. Up until more recently, it was pretty much under the radar and tolerable. But, really stressful situations just seemed exacerbate the symptoms and show us the scarier side of what has really seemed to be there all along.

When I shared my story on postpartum depression, I wrote about how I reached a point where I'd forgotten what it felt like to be myself, and I'm bummed to say it, but that's where I'm at again.

Lately, it's just been crazy amounts of anger and irritability. Anger over the stupidest little things, and I told Dennis it frickin' sucks that I can't just get through a day without getting really mad about something. That is not. ME. At all. But, it's how I've been acting, so something needs to change.

And now, I finally realize it won't be a 6-month trial of the meds. I was on them before. They worked. Life was good. And now things are starting go to crap again. I've come to accept that things went a little haywire with my brain chemistry after Kaylee was born, and I'm not sure they'll be going to back to normal. Possibly ever. I've talked with several other moms (many fellow bloggers) who feel this same way.

So, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm a bit whacked out, and I can unwhack what's whacked.

I need my trusty little pill to help me, and that's okay.

It's okay because I've been here before, and I know it doesn't have to be this way. I know that my life can get back to the way it was, and I will feel like myself again.

There is help, and I'm going to accept it. And if I still don't feel back to me with the medication alone, I'm going to find a counselor to talk to because my family and I deserve for me to be happy and healthy.

So tonight, I've got 5 milligrams down the hatch, and I'm more relieved than I can even describe, just knowing that it won't be long and I'll remember what it feels like to be me again.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Just give me a hot drink and my DVR and I'm set.

Dennis is at karate and Kaylee is sleeping. My house is filled with with this unfamiliar thing I like to call silence.

I'm about to make myself a hot chai latte, pop some popcorn, grab some tissues and get set to watch last night's season premier of Private Practice.

One of my favorite shows ever, and no matter what - I cry at pretty much every episode. I'm such a frickin' sap.

Oh, how I love my alone time. So very much.